Sunday 18th June 1978.
Remus' POV- Sunday 18th June 1978.
Looking in the mirror he could see the scars that lined his body all over, sweeping across him, marking him, tainting him, a mere reflection of the burden he had been carrying for years, steadily overwhelming him.
And he hates it, the reminder etched into his skin, he hates looking at them, acknowledging their existence. And still, despite all that, he has never quite seemed to learn how to look away.
They are a part of him after all. A big screaming part of the ugly monstrosity he is, that he has always been. A reflection of his life, and the resounding disappointment it is, it always will be, a sign, a marking, a branding made to deter people, make them look the other way, even without them ever needing to know why he has them in the first place.
It shows the true regret his existence brings to people, brings to him, all the faults that lie buried within etched into his skin, his flaws laid bare for everyone to see. This irredeemable awful person he has always been, maybe, that he was always destined to be, even before he was 5.
As he slowly steps closer to the mirror, he reaches his left arm up to begin pulling down the front of his shirt by the collar to try and get a better look at the biggest scar he has, the one painted across the front of his chest.
He's essentially torturing himself, some of his scars are hidden away, he could just appreciate that, move on, leave them hidden.
But he doesn't, never has, doesn’t think he ever will. He seems to seek out the pain, the sight of them, almost seeking to hurt himself, to punish.
He might be a masochist, he's not denying it, he can't help it.
So he stares down the line of the scar, eyes boring into the skin, willing it to fade under his glare, until it disappears. But it never does, simply slips out of view under the line of his shirt where he can't pull it down far enough.
Yet he just looks, continuing to stare on, no longer needing the sight in front of his eyes in order to bring the image to mind, it’s burned into his brain, lingering at the edges of his thoughts all the time, tainting his days with hatred festering at the corners of his very being.
He hates it, he hates himself.
Hates that these scars, these markings, they dictate his life.
Signing the registry or not. His life has been over since five years old.
He's just a tragedy walking.
A pitied tragedy by all his friends and he hates it.
Hates that the caring, the compassion, and the pitying looks manage to make it all worse.
If he could just do something, be something. Atone for mistakes he has never made, remove the guilt within him that has no cause but lingers non the less.
How is it that the guilt for the things you could do are worse than the guilt for things done?
If he could prove to himself that he has value, that his existence isn’t a burden, maybe things would be better?
And it’s foolish to think, he knows. Finding the flaws within oneself, flaws other people tell you aren’t real, figments of your imagination, simply ideas you have created, your mind trying to punish itself. Finding those flaws, seeking to fix them, expecting that to make everything better,
Well its dumb. Fixing flaws, alleviating guilt that has no cause. It won’t get you anywhere, it’s a fool’s errand.
If you want to be better you must step into the light, reflect. Give into the truth, step away from repression.
But Remus has been used to living in the shadows, and he has never considered himself anything greater than a fool.
He hears a grumble from a bed across the room, and looks over his shoulder to see Sirius' bed, no Sirius in sight, well Sirius is there, but his form is but a lump under the blankets.
The only part of him peeking out might be his head? But he can't tell because drunk Sirius decided to wrap himself up in the invisibility cloak to sleep.
He can't decide if it was adorable or annoying. Everything with Sirius seems to be a perfect 50/50 mix between the two these days.
He loves him.
Sirius knows it.
He's in love with him.
Sirius hasn't heard that yet.
He keeps watching the bed, just the rise and fall of the blankets where the invisibility cloak hasn't covered, watching the sign of breathing, of life.
And he just smiles, slightly, pulled out of his own head, his faults for just a second, at the mere thought of the man across from him.
He looks back into the mirror, takes a beat, then rightens his shirt before adding a jumper over the top.
Usually he just wears them without the shirt, but ever since he got with Sirius they somehow magically disappear from his frame ending up on the other boy without his knowing whenever they go out, so naturally, he has become accustomed to making sure he has a shirt underneath.
Once he is properly dressed he exits the dorm to go meet Peter in the common room before heading down to breakfast.
He doesn't bother trying to wake Sirius, he's impossible to wake anyway, and based on the pile of wrappers next to his bed, he successfully executed his usual 6am drunk trip to the kitchens.
He isn't quite sure when James left though, but he figures Peter might know, or he'll meet him down at the table, he always wakes ridiculously early after all, another ridiculous part of quidditch in Remus' opinion.
But he can't tell James that.
So he heads down the stairs, looking out for the other boy, but the only head he sees in the common room is one of fiery read.
"Lily"
He walks up behind her to get her attention before looking around the room again for Peter, he's not surprised the rooms practically empty, it's Sunday most people are asleep or hungover from last night, but still the lack of the other boy confuses him, he said he was going to wait.
“Hey Remus” she glances over her shoulder to look towards him from her place on the couch, looking up at him with a smile before lifting herself up of the couch so she can walk around the couch towards him linking her arm into his.
“Have you seen Pete?” he asks, still looking around the room as if waiting for the other boy to appear, “he said he was going to wait for me?”
“What am I not good enough?” lily asks, a grin working its way onto her face, her smile brightening further.
“No afraid not, you know Pete he’s the love of my life, you all but pale in comparison,” he jokes right back, a smile fighting his way onto his face when he had been upset only mere moments ago.
But he’s not surprised really, it’s Lily after all, she has a way of making people see the good in themselves, or at least distracting them from the bad. She has a way with words, he reckons anyone would follow her anywhere, he knows he would.
She is one of his best friends, almost an honorary marauder if you will, or at least she would be if the boys weren’t all so secretive. After all she is so very close, to all of them.
Her and James dated for a while, they broke up sure, but it was amicable and they never lost their bond, they just discovered that it was formed and suited for an entirely different relationship.
She is there for Sirius in all their ‘sibling needs’, although Sirius never strays too far from his brother to need support, it’s still nice for them both to have it in each other. A mutual understanding. One that has been very beneficial since Sirius left his house this Easter, he still isn’t quite sure what happened there but the brothers haven’t been the same since. He’s glad Sirius has Lily, that they have each other.
After all, Lily knows Regulus too, and not just in passing, they were friends, once, or they still are? It’s unclear. What with all the problems revolving the growing war and muggleborns and families, Remus, Lily and Regulus would have small meetings, slight smiles in the hall, over books, or their advanced classes.
But, it all came to an abrupt halt after Easter, with both Remus and Lily wanting to reach out to Reg, their friend. And they would have, if not for the fact that he had pulled away. And they can’t quite get a hold of him without causing a scene, so it’s all tough.
Then there’s Peter, she isn’t quite as close with him in all honesty, but they get along all the same, no one would say they weren’t friends. They play chess, and gossip and other things Remus isn’t quite aware of, but still they make it work.
And him, well he has been with Lily since the beginning, they rode the boat over to the castle together in first year, him a boy with scars across his face, and her the first person who didn’t seem to care.
He was wary at first, to say the least, but she was stubborn, they had that in common- almost all their friends seem to have that in common.
Regardless, he is so grateful she was, he doesn’t know where he would be without her. She was the first, and only person who he told about his… problem, the marauders living with him had managed to figure it out for themselves by second year, and Regulus being smart enough seemingly managed to figure it out before they even became friends- though he has never actually said it out loud, but Remus knows he knows. It’s an unspoken truth, such a Regulus thing to do.
The point is he is grateful, for everyone, for Lily and just his life in general, because he somehow managed to live through it long enough to find his people.
But Lily talking again pulls him back out of his own head, “Oh I sent him down to the hall, he seemed hungry and I volunteered to wait for you,”
Which, is perfectly plausible, except he doesn’t believe her, she goes down to the hall early, earlier than this, every morning no matter what state she’s in, she shouldn’t have still been waiting when Peter came down.
So she was waiting for him presumably, as now that she has him, her arm still looped through his, she is finally walking him out of the portrait hole and leading them down to breakfast.
“Thought we might have a little chat,” she queries, even though they both know there’s no getting out of it, if Lily Evans wants to speak to you, she will speak to you.
“Oh yeah,” Remus asks the grin falling off his face slightly, it’s not like Lily makes him nervous, or worried- he trusts her with his life. But her tone is serious and she seemed to seek him out, planned to talk.
“Yeah what are you thinking about Dumbledores thing?”
“What thing?” and yeah, it’s a stupid way to buy time, but he doesn’t really know what to say, Dumbledore had called all of the Gryffindor 7th years into his office the other day to, proposition them, with an ‘order’ he called it, a resistance to the war that is becoming undeniable. He asked them to fight, to help, contribute. If they would be willing to live with themselves if they stood to the side and just let people die.
Naturally, most of them agreed. It was on Friday night, just before the full moon, the night before the quidditch match, and they all seemed to say yes, eagerly almost.
He couldn’t help but feel nervous at the prospect of war, this world that denies him over and over again, that he finally started to fit into because of his friends, and now he has to fight?
And he doesn’t even know what going on with everyone, they all agreed to sign up of course. They are Gryffindor’s, brave to the point of stupidity, they don’t back down. But not all of his friends are Gryffindor’s, not all his friends have family on the right side of this.
Not all of their friends seemed eager.
Regulus is good. He is a good person and Remus’ friend. Remus doesn’t doubt that, he could don a death eater mask and follow in his family’s footsteps, but a part of Remus will always be convinced he’s good at heart.
Intentions matter, they may not make the world go around, but they make hearts beat.
And Dorcas, he may not be one of her closest friends, but he knows she’s friends with Regulus too, she may be a Slytherin but the amount of time she spent in the Gryffindor tower, clearly made her a viable candidate in Dumbledores eyes. And yes, she signed up, yes she looked mad, at the fact that there is a war going on in the first place, but they locked eyes at one point across the room, and he couldn’t help thinking that she was thinking of Regulus too.
And then there was Lily, eager like the rest, a muggleborn whose life is under threat no matter whether or not she engages in war. She seemed content with the war, he knew she would feel worried about the killing, about the fighting and the hurt she would cause, but she was more worried about leaving her friends to fight for themselves, leaving the future generations of muggleborn kids walking into Hogwarts at 11, at risk.
Lily wouldn’t do that, he was sure.
Or he thought he was, Dumbledore had asked him to stay behind in the meeting afterwards, and when he finally walked out she had been waiting for him, her face grave, her eyes resolute.
And he meant to ask her about it, but she brushed him off and then disappeared of to the library until this morning, when she was waiting for him in the common room.
And she has power in her step and determination in her eyes, and he understands why Dumbledore wanted her, she’s an extraordinary witch, but he doesn’t know what she’s thinking.
“I don’t trust him,” she continues staring straight ahead, as if ignoring the weight her statement holds.
“Who?” he asks, she turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised slightly as if in question,, “Dumbledore?” he questions her back, knowing the answer but confused and almost waiting to be corrected none the less.
But she just hums affirmation in response.
“Why?” he continues, because apparently he’s leading this conversation now.
“I don’t like what he’s planning, I don’t trust his idea of the greater good,”
“You don’t know what he’s planning,” is Remus’ dumbfounded response, because this is the man who has kept Hogwarts safe, who is leading a resistance whilst the whole world is waiting for the ministry to wake up.
And yes don’t trust anyone blind, Remus ( trust issues) Lupin knows that. But at this point in the world, if you’re going to trust anyone, shouldn’t it be the only one actively talking about the problems everyone else is ignoring.
“I know enough,” she replies, admittedly somewhat darkly.
And he goes to open his mouth, to give an answer in response but she cuts him off, clearly happy to be in charge of the conversation once more.
“ Do you trust him?” she asks, and she looks at him slightly out of the corner of her eyes, her walking slows a bit as she waits for his response.
“I-“ he hesitates, because he does, or at least he should.
This man who gave him a chance at school, who gave him an education when no one else, no other werewolf had been granted one.
He owes him, he is forever indebted to him, but a debt doesn’t equal trust.
Trust isn’t physical it’s a feeling, one that can’t be granted out of guilt or responsibility, one that has to be earned.
So he could trust dumbledore, but Regulus is in his head, and Lily is in his head and the people he trusts lacking trust in a man he owes his life to, well that’s sure to plant doubt.
“You’re hesitating,” and yeah, because they’ve slowed to a stop and he hadn’t even realised, because trust isn’t a question that you should have to ponder over, you feel it or you don’t, and if your trying to find it within you for someone, it isn’t there
The only thing Remus seems to have is feelings of guilt for not having the trust Dumbledore clearly expects, and Remus is fed up of feeling guilty.
Again, he opens his mouth to respond, but this time she pulls him over to the side.
“Do you trust me?” and now she is looking at him right in the eyes, staring into the soul, but there is no judgment, there never is with Lily it’s just pure question.
“Yes.”
One word, one simple answer. That is trust how trust should be, how it is.
No thinking, no worrying, no clawing for any sense of the feeling. It’s intrinsic, if you trust someone you trust them, there is no room for doubt, because it is a feeling, an overwhelming one, and one he physically cant doubt in regards to Lily.
“Good,” is all she responds, then she reaches up and gives him a peck on the cheek, before pulling them out of the alcove he didn’t realise he was in, and continuing the walk down to the great hall.
Lily Pov- Sunday 18th June 1978.
Walking down to the great hall with Remus, her mind is absolutely spinning.
It’s been going a 100miles an hour since their meeting with Dumbledore Friday night and hasn’t stopped whirring since.
She spent Friday night gathering books from the library, before hiding out behind the curtains she spelled shut around her bed in the dorm room, she was reading almost all night.
Then woke up, and went straight back to the library, not stopping for anything, even breakfast.
She checked back in the books she had taken out and finished, and started piling new ones onto the table, ones she had created a list of last night whilst reading through the other books, fact checking, referencing, further information, things she realised she didn’t know, things she learnt she needed to know.
She spent all of Saturday in the library except the two hours she had gone to watch the Quidditch match for the Gryffindor’s sake, and Regulus of course- he flew amazingly per usual, and it only made her more motivated to study, she skipped the party that night using the distraction from it to steal James’ cloak and sneak into the library to compile some more of the books she couldn’t get earlier that were from the restricted section- he wouldn’t mind, and to be completely honest, she doesn’t really care if he does.
She then returned to hide back in her bed the rest of the night, after pawning the cloak of to a drunk Sirius who she had met on his way to get his hangover snack, before retreating back to her bed, reviewing her notes once more and then crashing.
She had then woken up slightly later than usual, though admittedly still early- just not for her, and waited in the common room for Remus, where she then sent Peter off so she could get him alone.
Needless to say, her mind had been going non-stop, to the point she feels as though she’s about to crash, but she has spoken to Remus, she saw his hesitance to declare Dumbledore as someone he trusted, saw Dorcas catch eyes with both her and Remus when Dumbledore was meeting with them, and just knows her other friends in general.
They trust her.
That’s good, she needs that, she needs that, they need that.
She doesn’t trust Dumbledore, and she is getting more and more reason to believe she is right in that regard.
*****
“Dumbledore has called us all to his office,” she looks up slightly brow furrowed as James reads off of the little slip of parchment that has just been delivered to him through the window of the common room.
“When?” Sirius says, always the first to respond to James, but he looks confused too.
“Right now apparently,” and James’ brow furrows slightly more, re-reading over the parchment as if waiting for the message to change.
“It’s 5 o’clock.” Remus responds, looking out the window, the moon hasn’t properly risen yet, but Lily knows it’s due to in about an hour, so she understands why he’s worried, Sirius clearly picks up on it to, because he glances at Remus before walking over behind James to look over at the parchment, resting his head on James’ shoulder as he does.
“It’s asking for all of us, even Moony.”
“Why would that be weird?" Dorcas asks, because they don’t all know about Remus’ lycanthropy, so it makes sense that she would expect ‘everyone’ to mean Remus too.
Lily shoots a glare over at Sirius, before he quickly looks away and keeps talking.
“No, I thought it was for a prank or something, and Moony never gets caught. That’s why he was made a prefect, but no its specifying all the Gryffindor 7th years, all of us, and you Dorcas.”
“Why?” Now its Marlene speaking up, she currently has one leg draped over Dorcas’ lap, but she’s rightened her posture a bit at Dorcas’ name, “She’s a Slytherin, why do they want all the Gryffindors and just one Slytherin?”
“Well, she’s practically an honorary Gryffindor at this rate Marls, and we don’t know- he might have invited other people from other houses and just knew Dorcas was here.”
“But why would he know Dorcas was here?” Lily spoke up again, sceptical.
“Well she always, is isn’t she?” Marlene asked laughing slightly, leaning over to peck a kiss on Dorcas’ face before Dorcas catches Marlenes face in her hands and redirects the kiss to her mouth.
“Have a problem with that do you?” Dorcas asks smiling back at her girlfriend, eyes never straying from Marlenes face.
“OI! Get a room will you?” Sirius whined, turning away.
“Thought you liked the gays Sirius?” Dorcas asked smirking, whilst glancing over at Remus, earning a smile right back from Sirius at the mere implication.
Wow they’re smitten.
“Ok, we should probably head over there now,” James stated reclaiming the attention of the group, “wouldn’t want it to get too late would we?” at that he aimed a pointed glance at Sirius who seemed to catch on and they both started heading over towards the portrait hole, Lily saw Remus slump in what she could only assume was relief.
Trust James to look after everyone.
“It’s only 5.” Mary added, but she started to walk towards the Portrait hole none the less, and Lily got up and linked her arm through the other girls.
“Come on lets go,” Lily started, continuing to follow the groups retreating backs heading down the corridor, and because she just couldn’t help herself, “don’t you think it’s odd?”
Mary hummed in question.
“Dumbledore always seems to know what’s going on, where Dorcas is, everything.” Lily stated.
“Yeah he does doesn’t he,” Mary laughed, but when Lily didn’t join in she turned to looks at Lily, her brow slightly furrowed, “I mean he’s the headmaster he kind of has to doesn’t he, after all he has to deal with all the marauders.” She put marauders in air quotes with the free arm that wasn’t linked up with Lilys and smiled at her, waiting for some response.
So lily smiled back at her, sure it wasn’t quite reaching her eyes, and Mary looked at her for one more second before turning away.
She always appreciated that about Mary, knowing when to turn away.
But still the second the eyes were no longer on her, her smile dropped, and the confusion and fear mingled in her stomach, before clinging together and settling in.
She could tell the feeling was going to be there for a while.
By the time they reached the office, all of them were buzzing with mixtures of nerves and confusion and apprehension. They had never all been called up at once before, and they had all demanded the letter off of James on the way up here, as if a different set of eyes would give them a clue, more information to what Dumbledore wanted, but it didn’t and now they were here, waiting at the entrance of the office as the door opened to let them in.
“Ah, hello, Mr Potter, thank you for gathering everyone here for me.” Dumbledore said gesturing towards the table in front of him, as he swept his wand out and conjured 6 more chairs to add to the original 2. And it should feel cramped as they all settle in, but the space is big and it still feels completely open and yet stifling simultaneously.
“I trust you are all very curious about why I have summoned you here,” then he looks towards Remus as he continues- not nearly subtly enough in Lily’s opinion, “ I don’t intend to keep you for long, I know young students such as yourselves probably have places to be, quidditch to stress over, but I was hoping you may all indulge me for a minute.”
No one speaks, everyone seemingly waiting for him to continue, when he doesn’t James speaks up,
“Of course headmaster, how can we help?” and he has a slight smile on his face, not his usual careless grin, but his gentle smile, one he uses on the 1st years and when his friends need comfort, he is trying to keep the situation relaxed Lily can tell.
“I thought you would be so kind Mr Potter, thank you, as you all should be aware, there is a war brewing both outside and inside these walls,” at this Sirius, who Lily had sat next to when they all wandered into the room, tensed up slightly at her side, and all she could think was, Regulus.
But as if Dumbledore couldn’t see the strain he had caused from a simple sentence, or as if he didn’t care, he simply continued on.
“The war, is, I am afraid, looking to be an inevitable future of all of ours, both inside and outside these walls, and while I strive to keep my students safe, you are not going to be students much longer.”
He pauses, as if looking for a reaction, but all he has said so far signifies he is warning them of inevitable death, delightful.
Lily feels a need to role her eyes.
She usually has more patience than this but Remus is bouncing his leg, the moon is on its way, and Dumbledore it being cryptic as usual.
She thought his vague sentences and sentiments where reserved for speeches at the start of year feasts, not for actual grave situations where people are dying, she just needs him to get to the point. It feels as though in the 7 years she has known this man, he never has.
When no one comments once again, Lily nods her head towards him, indulging him, almost as if he is a child who needs to be carefully monitored, not the one doing the monitoring, a concerning thought.
“As some of my most trusted students,” he has rarely spoken with any of them one on one unless you’re including contemplating suspension for the boys, “I was hoping to gather your attitudes towards the war, and more or less a feel as for whether you will be wiling to partake in it.”
And right, why do people respect this man, he is fucking bat shit.
He is sat here, recruiting children to his army. And yes they may all be 18, and yes she knows for a fact they were willing to fight, but he should not be endorsing this surely, they’re still in school.
Maybe, if he had called them in one on one, he would have been able to get them focused on themselves, no one views themselves as immature or a child, it would have felt right to ensure him that they would fight.
But sat here, all Lily can see is her friends, two of which were already on edge because of the moon or their brother, and why is he trying to get children, children to fight in a war.
Dumbledore is the most respected man of their generation, she has no doubt he as access to soldiers, so why does he want children.
She looks up at him, catching his eye, they twinkle in response, and just as she goes to open her mouth in question James speaks up.
“Of course I will.”
“Me too.” Sirius says, because where James goes, he goes, but his leg never stops bouncing, and a smile fails to fill his face, and Lily knows regulus simply won’t leave his mind.
The following conversation is a chorus of “yes.” And “me too.” Until Dumbledore’s gaze turns back to Lily, and not one to abandon her friends she finds herself agreeing too.
“Of course, I will fight on the right side of this war.”
Careful with her wording.
The next 15 minutes, follows the track of Dumbledore telling them all about his “order of the phoenix” and gathering further agreements from them.
During the whole exchange, she keeps her eyes trained on her friends, looking for the slightest sign of discomfort, and, for a while, she finds none.
And it hits her, of course he calls them all up at the same time, James Potter ever the protector, has complete faith in justice and the right side winning, he sees no problem with fighting in a war, he sees a possibility for a bright future, its so endearing Lily almost smiles.
But she cant help but see how, putting a room full of Gryffindors together, setting them a challenge, where he knows one person will agree blindly, the rest of them will follow.
They are loyal to a fault, and won’t back down from a challenge.
He orchestrated it perfectly to find new, unsuspecting recruits.
But then, just as she thinks all her friends are blindly committed, she sees it, there is a slight look, just one. Between Dorcas and Remus.
And it hits her all over again, Regulus.
Regulus associating with known death eaters, Regulus Sirius’ brother, Regulus Dorcas’ best friend.
Dorcas the only Slytherin here, Sirius who Dumbledore doesn’t trust, but they both have access to a death eater. Of course he called them up.
James who is kind and will follow blindly of course he would call him.
Peter would follow James, Marlene will follow Dorcas, Mary won’t leave her friends.
Remus owes him.
Remus won’t leave Sirius.
Of course he would call them.
He wants child soldiers, because they are the right people to get information, the right people to manipulate.
He has spent 7 years gaining trust, 7 years knowing a war was brewing.
Lily feels sick as she thinks about how likely it is he has been looking at 11 year olds for years, so he could begin prepping them for war.
Its disgusting.
Its war.
Its disgusting,
Its Dumbledore.
Lily, snatched her attention right back to Dumbledore at that point listening attentively for the rest of the meeting.
Once the meeting comes to a halt, all the students begin to file out of the room one after the other, before a cough.
“Mr Lupin, if you wouldn’t mind,” and with that he gestures back to the seat Remus had just vacated, insinuating their discussion is far from over.
Remus makes his way back over to the table, Sirius in tow before Dumbledore ( rather conveniently Lily thinks) reminds Sirius of a detention he has, and begins to usher the rest of the students out of the room again.
Begrudgingly they all begin to leave, Lily is last for the door, and as they all head off to dinner and Sirius to detention, Lily makes an excuse to her friends and slips back up the stairs to listen in to conversation at hand.
“Mr Lupin, I believe you understand why you may be especially useful for our cause.”
“Do I professor?” comes Remus’ hesitant reply.
“You see, Voldemort, has many tactics to gain followers, some of which include manipulation,”
Not unlike yourself Lily thinks.
“He sees the way, certain people are treated, promises them better under his reign, it is all lies of course, but those with little hope cling to whatever they are given. Voldemort is many things, unintelligent is not one of them, I believe he will, and has already begum recruiting the werewolves to his side, you Mr Lupin, would be incredibly useful at infiltrating his ranks of werewolves, getting information and turning them to our side, you could change the tides of our war.”
A beat.
“Of course professor.”
And Lily is going to be sick, she rushes back down the stairs her mind starting to turn as she goes, Dumbledore is not going to be using Remus, or Dorcas or Sirius. And he is not going to endanger Regulus by association.
He is not going to fool James or manipulate Marlene, Peter and Mary.
And he is not sending Remus into the wolves den.
Lily has nothing against werewolves, her best friend is one, she wants to change the laws against them when she grows up, but if they are with Voldemort they are dangerous.
They are a risk to Remus, a risk she wont permit.
Voldemort may be lying to the werewolves and the vampires and the ogres for all she knows, but Dumbledore is lying to everyone, and she is not going to follow a man who is more secretive than the one they are all fighting.
With the events of their meeting playing on her mind on repeat as they keep walking down to the hall, her mind does not stop whirring.
She doesn’t trust Dumbledore, she is going to protect her friends.
Eventually, they walk up to the table and plop themselves down at it, everyone is already up despite their hangovers except Sirius and James.
She checks the time on her watch.
8:30am
Pandora pov- Sunday 18th 1978.
5:45am, she checks down at her watch, Regulus should be here soon.
She’s at the end of the 2nd floor corridor where they had agreed to meet.
Admittedly it would have been easier if they had just come down here together after the party, but they had come with their friends so Regulus wanted to head back to his dorm with the boys and Dorcas to make sure no one realised he had left during the night, or just not shown up.
They had agreed to meet back up at around 6am, but Regulus is usually early to these kind of things, and Pandora isn’t particularly close to her roommates, so they wouldn’t care if she snuck out, not that she did anyway, she just never went back to her room after the party, instead just wandering around the Hogwarts halls, the party had finished 2 hours ago, but she doesn’t really care. She’s full of energy and worried about Regulus.
Her and Regulus made friends in first year, when he was sorted into Slytherin and she was placed in Ravenclaw, he was in the same year as his brother as he was only 10 months younger, and because his name was called first alphabetically, he was placed at the Slytherin table to wait for his brother, who never showed up, instead heading over to the lions with James.
And Pandora, who had spent the entire sorting watching the boy, saw how much he changed when he lost his brother, and became rather committed to becoming friends.
****
She was standing at the front of the great hall, waiting for her name to be called when she saw him,
Regulus Black.
He was standing awfully close to his brother Sirius, almost clinging to the other boy.
She knew of the Blacks of course, her parents sent both her and her brother off to school making sure they were well aware of the families, the noble houses, who to fall in line with, who was useful, who was ‘pure’.
Naturally Pandora didn’t care about that stuff, her brother did more so, but not really because he cared, more because Pandora didn’t.
He thought if he did right, by the family, by everyone, he could protect Pandora, keep her safe.
She didn’t need that, but she knew how much being a “big brother” by one minute meant to him.
So when their father had saw them off on the train, reminding them to befriend the right people, she didn’t care.
She wasn’t going to befriend the people her father wanted her to, just because he wanted her to.
She was going to befriend people, because she wanted to befriend them.
However Pandora was not stubborn, she did not have a downfall by the name of pride
She did whatever she wanted, and if she wanted to befriend one Regulus Black from the most noble and ancient house of black, she was not going to let her father wanting it stop her.
She wanted to befriend the boy, because he peaked her interest, because she was curious. Because she felt he needed help.
And she wasn’t going to let the fact that he was exactly the person her father wanted her to befriend to stop her.
After all if she let her choices be dictated by avoiding her father’s wants, she was not doing whatever she wanted.
Pandora has always been a free spirit, that doesn’t always end well for those around her.
Introduced to fire at age 5, probably not a good idea.
Given access to a home with many stories and balconies, not a good idea.
Having limited attention on her because her brother was heir, not a good idea.
But her freedom of spirit was helpful in moments like this when she saw Regulus Black and became curious, not because her family was, but because she was.
Because he was interesting to watch.
His name was called to make his way up to the hat,
“Black, Regulus” McGonagall called out over the hall, her eyes sweeping across the sea of new students for a moment before settling in on Regulus.
He detached himself from Sirius, as if it was a struggle, whilst also being unable to get himself away quick enough.
And he made his way up to the hat, to have it placed on his head.
And he sat on the stool, and the room went still.
That’s what happens when pure bloods take the sorting, people have more preconceptions, ideas of where they will be placed.
There’s more investment in the sorting’s, because for some reason people think that because they know the families, they know the child, the 11 year old child sat on a stool.
And the hat only sees their head, not their future, the whole process is ridiculous in Pandoras opinion. But it’s tradition.
However, when it comes to Regulus its odd.
Someone from such a ‘prestigious’ and well known our blood family, they often get a house shouted out before the hat even touches their head.
The occasional person lasts a couple seconds maybe 10.
Sometimes 20.
But it’s been two minutes and the hat is still on his head, she wants to look to the side, see how his brother is reacting, but before she can, she sees as Regulus’ eyes squeeze shut, he shakes his head slightly, and then his face shuts down.
Blank, emotionless, expressionless.
Not the boy he was mere minutes ago, the one clinging to his brother, hardly daring to let go.
The hat stays on his head for another minute, and he shakes his head once more during the time, as whispers start to roll around the hall.
The hat is still on his head as the teachers start looking at each other, another minute.
At that point she can see him muttering under his breath, his face still completely blank.
Another minute.
He is now officially a hat stall.
Then,
“Slytherin!”
The house is announced, and the hall pauses for a second, before the green table erupts into cheers.
All the other tables remain quiet, usually they would react- she has been told, the other houses don’t like Slytherins, they make it clear.
But no one is reacting, because one of the heirs to Slytherin, one of the sacred 28, a pureblood just had a hat stall. And people want to know why.
And the slytherins are happy, but if his parents are anything like the rest of the sacred 28 they wont be.
Slytherin or not, he shouldn’t have been a hat stall.
Its not ‘proper.’.
So, as the sorting goes on, Pandora keeps darting her eyes back to the other boy, until Sirius is called up.
“Black, Sirius”
And he goes up, and the hat acts normal for a pureblood, 10 seconds- 20 at most.
“Gryffindor!”
Not normal for a pureblood… let alone a Black.
And her eyes don’t even have to snap back to Regulus, they’ve been on him the whole time, but she sees his expression flicker for a moment, something like fear sweeping across his features, but then its back cold and unchangeable and it remains that way for the next 7 years.
*****
Now, waiting in the hallway all these years later, she is glad she noticed him that day, glad she saw the walls he put up the second he lost his brother, the second the hat started hesitating, and glad she essentially forced her way into his life before those walls were sealed shut permanently.
Because, quite frankly, she doesn’t know what he would do without her.
Be dead probably.
Inevitably.
Eventually she sees a lone figure walking down towards him, the sun had already risen by now and its lighting him slightly from the back as he walks to her.
“Hey reg, got away did you”
“Barely,” he responds rolling his eyes, “Barty is a clingy drunk, I’m just glad he’s finally dating Evan, therefore not my problem.”
“Oh you don’t mean that.” She smiles, no frown falling onto her face, because she knows Regulus and she wont let him doubt that she knows him.
But still, he just rolls his eyes, until he reaches her side.
“Are you ready?” he asks, straight to the point, eyes locked on hers, almost searching for a hesitation.
He’s been doing that since she started helping him, waiting for her to hesitate, give any sign that she’s not comfortable so he can cut her loose.
He didn’t want her coming with him, helping him in this war in the first place, he only told her what he knew in an effort to protect her.
In her defence, if he was dumb enough to think she would just drop it, when he told her the plan, which just sounded like a suicide mission to her to be honest, then it’s not her fault.
And after all, she doesn’t hesitate.
Its not what she does, she burns, and she floats, and she cuts and she heals.
But she does not hesitate.
Especially not when it comes to Regulus, she hasn’t hesitated in their friendship since the day she saw him.
She is not starting now.
So she cocks her eyebrow, and stares right into his eyes.
He always says she has this creepy thing about her stare, like she can see right into his soul, like she is privy to all his secrets.
And she can, but that’s just because she is a good observer.
Regardless eventually he relents, not one to break eye contact first, but he has places to be, priorities, and he wont admit it but she knows her stare really does unsettle him.
She finds it funny.
“Come on, let’s go” he says, and starts walking down the corridor without looking back, she glances down at her watch quickly as they round the corner coming to a halt outside moaning myrtles toilet.
6am.
They pause to have a quick glance at each other, before walking into the bathroom.
They’ve been in here before, when they were prepping, getting their bearings, planning.
So when moaning myrtle sweeps out of the toilet, to see who has come in here, she takes one look at Pandora and leaves.
Myrtles seems to have a tendency to flirt with the boys at this school, and she continued that tradition with Regulus.
Pandora found it disgusting, and voiced just as much when she threatened to blow up Myrtles stall if she didn’t piss off and stop flirting with Regulus.
So now, she avoids them.
Thank fuck.
Pandora is nice, most people at the school are under that impression, because that’s how she acts most of the time, but she loves playing with fire- literally, and she is very defensive.
Regulus likes to call her a true Slytherin, argues she is more evil than the rest of them combined.
He doesn’t mean it, but its funny none the less.
She stands back and watched as Regulus hisses at the sink, he found some old book somewhere, referencing parsletongue, and was able to work out that pretty much any snakish phrase works for the chamber, and they both stand back as the sink starts to split down the middle, opening out.
“Are you sure panda, I can do it by myself?”
“Please your worse than my brother.”
And she means it, she means every word as she gently pushes past him and hops down the slide without giving him any more time to proposition her backing out.
The world goes black, for approximately 7 seconds before she is shooting out of the other end of the tunnel, her feet landing on the bones decorating the bottom of the chamber with a crunch.
She grimaces slightly, there’s a reason she is a vegetarian.
A few more seconds later, and she calls up the tunnel to let Regulus know she’s landed so that he can follow down after her.
She looks around again, the place more familiar to her now that they’ve been down here twice before in preparation for their task.
They haven’t been into the actual chamber, but they’ve gotten this far, and the fact that they haven’t died in this area so far brings her little comfort.
She hears a slight sound of friction behind her, clothes on tiles, and then a crunch of the bones as someone lands behind her, and she turns around to look at Regulus.
“Right,” he begins, straight to the point as always, even as he dusts his clothes down a slight grimace working its way across his face.
She likes that about him, it may not always make for the most empathetic moments.
But its helpful none the less.
“We will go over the plan, we have half an hour, then we should be in and out in half an hour- an hour tops.”
“Unless shit hits the fan.” She adds very helpfully, a smile on her face, and a twinkle she knows is in her eyes.
He simply glares at her in response, and she knows he’s nervous, trying not to show it.
She would like to say they can leave, tell someone else, that he doesn’t have to do this.
But she knows that’s not true.
She knows it up to them to do this, and she hates that Regulus yet again has what seems like the weight of the world on his shoulders, hates she cant take the pressure from him.
Hates that she knows her existence in this task is stressing him out much more than he would have been doing this alone.
But there is no way she is leaving.
This mission alone? It’s borderline suicidal, and she is sure Regulus knows this.
She is sure that he knows this and just doesn’t care, and it scares her.
The idea of losing him, it makes her feel like she is choking up.
She would rather die.
She can’t lose him, she thinks maybe if she died, he would have to live for her.
And although she is certain she wont be letting either of them die today.
Although she is certain she wont let Regulus die before her.
Although she is certain Regulus wont let her die.
It doesn’t stop the nerves, the nerves at the clear level of comfort Regulus has in regards to risking his own life.
So she ignores his obvious discomfort, at her company and lets him continue on explaining his plan.
No one is dying today.
“We go in, quiet” he looks imploringly at her and she rolls her eyes, “ hopefully it wont come out, but if it does we cant look at it and need to instead blind it, they are very strong creatures and getting an exact shot to a basilisks version of their Achillies heal will be too difficult, we need to manage to take it out. I have potions, we blind it and then once its weak we can knock it out.”
“You don’t want to kill it?”
“No,” a pause, “ it’s not the snakes fault we need its venom.”
“Ok.” Pandora wont argue with that, it may be more practical but she doesn’t particularly want to kill anything anyway, it’s the whole reason she’s avoiding this war, helping Regulus.
And besides, Regulus can barely stomach the concept of house elves, there’s no way he would be comfortable killing an innocent creature.
“We collect it in these vials,” he hands her three keeping three for himself, “I’ve made them essentially indestructible so we wont loose anything if we drop them. Then we get back out, you wait here and I’ll shoot a couple of healing spells through the door before we lock it to help the basilisk.”
They look at each other one more time, both of them fierce and feeling almost overwhelmed with motivation. Neither of them want this war, and its barely even started.
It’s going to lose them both their brothers.
They won’t let it.
“Are you ready?”