Remus had been trying to silence his crying but he knew that he wasn’t doing a great job. It had been a really bad day, and his knee was hurting with every step. He'd been having a rough day in all aspects but the final straw was when he was trying to talk to someone on the editing team, and he just couldn’t process what they were saying. His brain had felt foggy, and it was an accent that Remus wasn’t used to. So, no matter how hard he tried to focus, he had only been able to understand about half of the conversation. So now, hours later when he was finally home and safe, Remus was huddled between the toilet in the sink in their small loo. It gave him comfort on days when he was remembering the past: just that he had a sense of control of where to be and it was there in case he needed it. He was rocking gently and trying to think of anything else but that horrible day.
Sirius knew that he liked to sit there when he was struggling although not the reason why.
The moon was coming soon and on top of all of that there was a low level itching beneath his skin, and he had his fists clenched so that he didn't scratch because it did nothing to help.
“Remus?” Sirius said, knocking softly on the door.
Remus thought hard about not answering. He knew that he had to look a mess, but he would eventually have to come back out. This was the only loo in their flat after all. He slowly pulled himself to standing and tried to keep as much weight off of his right knee as possible. As soon as he limped out, Sirius took him into his arms and the scent of Sirius’ coconut shampoo and the faint smell of motor oil helped to calm him enough to stop crying.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius asked, gently.
“Uh…” Remus mumbled. He knew that he really should let Sirius know what happened in his past. Today had sucked but it had only led to him spiraling about the things he hadn't had the courage to say. But thinking about it and talking about it just hurt so badly, and he didn’t want Sirius to look at him differently, so until now, he'd largely kept quiet.
“How about some tea and a biscuit,” Sirius offered. He was, once again, being so good to Remus. Seeming to sense what he needed. He fidgeted with the corner of the placemat while Sirius prepared their snack and tried to get everything straight in his mind. He had talked with his mind healer a lot and he had been encouraged to do this.
“So, you know how I told you I was in a bad relationship? And that he was the reason that I was bitten?” Remus said.
“Yeah. Fenrir, right?” Sirius answered carefully, pushing the tea closer.
“He hurt me in other ways first, I guess. Do you know what BDSM is?” Remus asked. He knew that he wasn’t being quite as cohesive and he probably should be, but he didn’t know how to put it all together.
Sirius choked a bit on the mouthful of biscuit. “A little,” he said, voice scratchy even after he had taken a sip of tea.
“Okay. That makes it a little easier. Anyways. I met him and he seemed so nice. He listened to me talk about books and writing, took me to nice restaurants, and just generally seemed like a nice guy. But a couple of months in, he asked if he could try a few things. I agreed just to see… And what he did at first, I liked. So he got me to sign this contract. And there was a lot of stuff I didn’t really research or know if I would like it. But he said we could always renegotiate. And he did, to a certain extent, especially at first. Because I found that I didn’t really like many kinds of pain, which I guess isn't always typical? I dunno, he didn't seem the happiest but said that it was good otherwise. So, he dialed back on that, and he slowly got me where I was living with him, and he had me quit working. I felt both grateful to him and also scared because I always liked to have my independence. And the first time he hit me outside of the negotiated spankings, looking back, I knew that I should have just left. No matter what situation I was in financially or whatever. But he convinced me that it was a punishment for something. I don’t really know what it was at this point. The second time, I yelled at him because he didn’t want me to go to my cousin’s party and I said I never asked for all my freedom to be taken away. That’s when he fucked up my knee. Stomped on it and you know that it’s never been the same since then. I never got to go to my cousins, we spent the night at the hospital lying to doctors. He was good for awhile after, I had to have the surgery and he didn't do scenes or anything while I was healing. I couldn't help but be relieved that maybe it would stop completely.
But of course it didn't. The—” Remus stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose. He really wanted to just back out of this. Because it was bad enough that Sirius knew this much, he didn't want to admit anything else that happened.
Remus took a deep breath and picked at his nail beds. “The third time. Uh. That was the worst. He… Well… I consented to a lot of sexual things. But. He was doing something that I didn’t like and he'd done it before so he knew I didn't. So I used the safeword. And he stopped. Not right away, but after a few minutes. But… He wasn’t happy about it. He tied one of my wrists to the corner of the bed and went out. I could move around a bit but I couldn't go far. The only place that didn't put stress on my wrist was sitting on the door. I tried to distract myself, but it was a long time. I— tried to call for help. But he didn’t come in. He boasted later that he watched the whole thing, but it was bad. I was crying, I was thirsty and in pain.
And I…” Remus trailed off really not wanting to keep going, but forced himself to.
“I really don't know how long I was there. I couldn't help it and I tried to wait. But… I wet my pants, Sirius. Like a little kid. I hated it and I felt like I lost every bit of control. I think that is what he wanted. To humiliate me. I had to sit there like that and just wait. Maybe it sounds like a little thing compared to everything else but… I don't know. I just felt less than human curled on the floor, tied up and soaked.
And that's why I like to be by the toilet when I'm so upset. Because I never want that to happen again. And I know that it makes no sense. Because I'm not in that situation, and that no one would stop me or make me feel that desperate.
But anyways… I guess he just wanted to teach me a lesson or something and make me not want to tell him no again. But he was mad about it when he came in later, telling me that I had no self control.
I was scared and I was trying to get out, just go see my cousin for a bit, and give us both time to calm down. But… He came after me with a coat hanger. I have no idea why he grabbed that first, but he got me to the floor and tried to choke me with it. I was able to speak a bit so I tried the safeword and he actually stopped, so I thought maybe this was supposed to be some kind of scene. I really didn’t know and wasn’t thinking clearly at all. He took me back to the bathroom and threw me in the shower. I still had my clothes on and must have smelled bad, I don’t know. But he got in after me and started shaking me and ranting about me being a bad sub and boyfriend and that I should do so much better because he was so good and understanding to me.
He started touching me and I tried to push him off but he deserved it. I couldn't get hard so he got mad and tried to make me touch him. I was just so upset though and I guess it didn't make him happy enough. He started yelling again saying that he let me get away with so much and that I went back on our contract and I don’t even know what else. Because I was getting really dizzy, and then blacked out when he started hitting my head against the tiles. I guess I was lucky he got me treatment at all, I don’t know. But I woke up in Mungos, and he had this story about me falling in the shower. I called my cousin to come and get me and then left the phone he had gotten me at the hospital. I hid at her place for a bit, and was able to heal some, but you know that I have my speech processing thing? I usually just say hard of hearing, even though I don’t quite know if it counts? That was one of the things that stuck with me as well as my knee being like it is now. I guess I should be lucky that it only hurts when really stressed, and that my hearing or headaches aren’t worse, because I know they could be because of the TBI.”
“Remus?” Sirius said softly. He wiped tears that Remus hadn’t fully processed were falling from his face and pulled him close. “You don’t have to look at any of the bright sides. None of this is your fault, you know that, right?”
“Some of it is. Because I was stupid agreeing to things I didn’t understand. And it was written and everything. But I gave consent. He could hurt me to punish me, and although there were sometimes he did things that weren't agreed on. And he always stopped eventually whenever I asked him when it came to sex, even if it was something I said was okay to try in contract.”
“Remus. I don’t know much about it, but I do know that doms should always be looking out for the health and safety of their subs. Everything should be talked about before, there should be check-ins about how the relationship is going. If you told him no on something and made it a limit, he should not have done it again. There should be no place for anger at the sub for calling a stop to anything, it should've jumped to aftercare and not to violence and abuse. Because, Remus? That was not punishment. It’s not your fault you were hurt, or how he isolated and manipulated you. It's not your fault that he didn't stop, and that he didn't take care of you and treasured you like you deserve.”
“But…”
“No. Not. Your. Fault.”
“I’ll work on it, okay?” Remus said. He was absentmindedly shredding his napkin and rolling up the pieces into tiny balls. “I still feel like at least some of it was my fault. I was dumb enough to bring on myself,” Remus said. “I told him that he could do things and then freaked out when he did.”
“Okay, we’ll work on it,” Sirius conceded and gave a sad smile. “But promise me you will. I don't think that any of it was your fault, but I'm glad that you trusted me to tell me, and that you are working on healing from it.”
Remus just nodded and sighed, getting ready for the last bit, even though Sirius basically knew already. “Anyways. He found me, of course. I was out looking for a job and he took me to this place in the woods. I don’t really remember, but I do remember the light of the full moon and the sounds of his bones breaking and screams. I honestly don’t know how I missed the fact that he was a werewolf. He had to have used potions or glamors because I never saw his bite or any scars like I have. And, well. The rest is history. I apparated the next morning and the WCU actually did their job and he’s in Azkaban. He has apparently changed other people, and killed others.”
“I’m glad he’s there and can’t hurt you anymore. You’re so strong Remus,” Sirius said, nuzzling his face into Remus’ neck.
“I don’t feel strong. It’s been so many years, Sirius. And you found me crying on the bathroom floor about it,” Remus admitted. He flexed his knee and winced.
“These things don’t have time limits, Remus. Our brains just don’t work like that, and neither does trauma. I’m glad that you trusted me though, and I am happy to listen anytime and do anything I can to help.”
“Do you… See me differently? I know that it doesn’t paint me in the best light?” Remus whispered.
“No. I see you as stronger, and more beautiful and resilient and so bright. You have such a big heart and you still laugh and love and let people in after that pain and hard relationship. He hurt you in so many ways that has changed your life, and you have just kept right on fighting. I love you the way you are, no matter what happened to you in the past, or what might happen in the future. You’re perfect to me, and I love you so, so much.”
“Thank you,” Remus said.
“Anything for you, my love,” Sirius replied.
Sirius took him to the couch and kissed every inch of his body and whispered sweet nothings to him the whole while, trying to infuse him with love, and Remus knew that he’d had a bad day, but things just might really be okay.