“I love him”
Part I: Scorpia
12th February, 1976
The first person who walked into her room that morning was Sirius Orion Black. The third, of course. Which is, Scorpia was sure, a rare occasion. She might not have been here for the last few years, but it doesn’t take much to notice how hard it is for your brother to get up early. And now it was more than early, it was 30 minutes before the start of their first period, which would normally begin at half past eight. There should be a reason. It is worth mentioning — she could guess it easily.
So, as her brother was approaching his seat, next to her desk, she knew what to think. The complicated part was the three boys walking in right behind him. Would they be talking about Remus in front of Remus? Had she taught him nothing?!
“Morning?” Scorpia raised a brow, eying Sirius. He was grumpy - everything about him screamed bad mood, honestly - but she would need him to talk. To say what bothers him, so she could help properly, not basing on her assumptions. Not that those would be wrong…
She got a hum from Sirius in response, without him looking up. The boy was pretending to look for something precious at the bottom of his bag. So, when James spoke, he didn’t quite pay attention. “We… Um… Hey, Remus, I think I forgot the book in the dorm. Could you come with me?” Thank Merlin for James Potter, Scorpia thought, a little smile appearing on her lips to let him know he’s doing the right thing. Her eyes stayed still on Sirius, however.
It was good to see James trust her. Just a few days ago he would fight anyone but not leave Sirius alone with another Black family member. Did he meet Andy yet? Her and Sirius seemed to get along quite well. Where is she now, how is she? Never thought I would look forward to coming back to that house... “Yeah, okay,” Remus nodded, cutting her thoughts off, and making her eyes finally leave her brother. Remus was still looking a little confused, but understanding at the same time. Is it because he knows we have to talk about him, so it makes him feel awkward with having to leave? Probably. But he still agrees to. How does he feel about Sirius defending him and being mad at me - his own sister, by the way, her brain supplied, because I made an educated guess? I really hope Siri wasn’t mad at James. If he was… Mental note - add that to the conversation. “Thanks,” James swallowed, looking nervous about his obvious retreat, “Pete, coming?”
It wasn’t that obvious to Peter, apparently. “Sorry mate, I wanted to get ready a little, I’ll wait here, yeah?” He smiled softly, heading for another desk.
Remus stepped up. “Peter.”
In a second, his whole posture switched. The name came out more like a growl, something almost scary in his appearance. He seemed even taller, with his shoulders down and hands in fists by his sides. Peter still seemed confused, but obeyed immediately (Scorpia wondered if Remus had to use that voice often), picking up his bag and following James out (Scorpia also saw what Sirius loves about Remus better, now). “Thanks, mate,” the latter smiled, clearly being the “good cop” compared to Remus.
Scorpia’s eyes fell back on Sirius, as the door closed.
“Amour?” She tried. Now, there were few ways to continue the conversation. A) He is willing to shove all the pride or whatever down and tell me what’s wrong so we discuss it B) He will be denying everything, so I just assume that he’s mad at me for asking about Remus, and start from there C) He yells at me, because he could - because he’s angry. D) He shuts down, and puts the walls back.
“I think I love him.”
Oh. Okay. Okay, so that wasn’t what she expected.
Scorpia blinked a few times, giving her brother time to talk, but being honest, she just wasn’t sure her voice was available right now.
Several moments went by, before he decided to continue, “Like, I love him. Yes, I love James too, and I love you and I love Effie, but I just love him, the other type of love.” He swallowed, probably trying not to break and cry, “I know I’m not making much sense right now. But do you… do you know what I mean?”
She did, so she nodded. Nothing else was needed, really.
“The way he sits on the window reading his book, the way he rolls his eyes when James goes on about quidditch, the way he makes Lily and Marlene laugh in the gardens in the morning…” he was smiling, wet eyed, finally looking back at her. “What is wrong with me?” he whispered, a tear running down his cheek.
So, it turns out Sirius didn’t know. He didn’t know he likes Remus, with the way he tries to be around him all the time, just attracted, just a magnet. He didn’t know that Remus likes him back, twitching at every contact, following Sirius with his eyes - sometimes even undressing, but they are 15, for Merlin’s sake, (and she felt ready to repeat that again and again) - and relaxing when they’re around.
She wasn’t sure about breaking the news. Was he going to believe her if she said his love is mutual? Even if he would, was it her place to tell him? Was it something they had to figure out by themselves? Probably. But she wanted to show him, oh how she wanted.
“I know,” she smiled sadly, reaching out with her hand, but not touching. “There is nothing wrong with you, Sirius. I know what you mean, I really do, I promise. It’s great that you feel this way, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. You get it?”
He came closer to her outstretched hand, bumping into her palm with his chest. It bothered him greatly, she could tell. For a long time. Scorpia was surprised by his quick attitude change, to be honest. The way he walked into the classroom made her expect yelling or ignoring, but not… not confessing and crying. Not opening himself up the moment others are away. He had really been bothered by it, then. Anyhow, Scorpia was proud to see her brother talk his feelings aloud in this way. It sure takes a lot of effort, even realizing, first.
“I thought you were mad at me?” She raised an eyebrow, taking Sirius’ collar in her hand and pulling him into a hug. The boy breathed heavily, and after a few moments, mumbled into her neck:
“I am mad at you, or I want to be, or I don’t know. But I can’t, you’re my sister! See, him panicking because someone else found out makes me mad so mad that I would yell at anyone protecting Moony and I mean anyone even my sister but I don’t want to be mad with you but I am because I… I love him Scorp and it just goes in a closed circuit like that—”
“Hold on love, just breathe. I get it. I know you want to protect him, it’s normal. And it’s something to be proud of.” Sirius pulled away, sitting on a desk. She wiped the tear from his face, and sat down on her chair in front of him. Moony? I guess that’s Remus, right? Nickname? That’s cute. Is it just for Sirius or does everyone call him that? It makes sense, Moony for a werewolf… “You don’t have to be mad at me, I mean no harm to Remus, especiallywith how much you care for him. I just wanted to know, the question came suddenly. I was probably wrong for pulling James into it, but it would be worse if I asked him directly, wouldn’t it? Are you lot upset with James there?”
Sirius looked up abruptly, and shook his head. “No, no… not really. Remus said he forgives him, which I’m not sure how much to believe, but I’m not really mad at him either. I… I don’t know, I am just so tired of being angry with everyone, that right now I just feel sad. Sad for the way Moony feels.” There were tears in his eyes again, while he looked right at Scorpia.
“Okay. It’s okay, there’s nothing wrong. Moony is Remus, yeah? I never heard of that nickname before.” She tried to change the topic. For now.
“Oh, yeah, he’s our Moony.” Sirius seemed to light right back up. “We made those names for a… I mean. In third year, somewhere, we just came up with them, it’s now something of an inside joke.” Why did he just lie? Feels like something he wouldn’t trust me with because I am an adult, for the way he corrected himself immediately, but still stayed calm. I should ask. Or… Maybe let’s pause on asking awkward things for a while here? “I’m Pads by the way, Padfoot. James is Prongs, Wormtail’s Pete.” He smiled, but then was fast to correct himself, “Don’t tell anyone! I’m not… exactly supposed to tell the teachers.” He smiled again. Ah, there it is. Scorpia smiled right back, “Well, I hope I don’t really count as one,” she winked, and got up from the chair to start wiping the green board.
It wasn’t exactly a board, in fact. Yes, Scorpia had used it for her classes. However, from her office it played the role of a window - a huge window to see the whole classroom from her desk. She made it an option as soon as she realized her little office room was placed right behind the board. Now, she could watch everyone while being away, without the class knowing. She could also make it come back and just be a normal wall, as always, in case one of the students decided to come in.
“Thank you,” her brother mumbled from his seat shyly, just as she finished writing instructions for the new class, and looked back at him. Someone opened the door.
“Hi, Professor, I—… Oh. Can we… come in?” Judy Curtis, a 5th year Ravenclaw, stopped at the door.
“Yes, please come in.” Scorpia smiled at the girl, then looked back at Sirius. He nodded. Okay, everything is starting to settle, then. It wasn’t exactly the conversation she wanted to have with him on the topic of his gay-panic, but… We’ll have to deal with what we have right now.
After a few minutes, James and the others came back. Remus immediately noticed Sirius’ red eyes, shooting him concerned looks over their table. James, instead, raised his eyes at Scorpia. She tried to smile reassuringly, though it might have just looked pitiful. The class started.
***
“Something is bothering you?” Scorpia raised her eyes from the assignment parchments she’d been checking to look at James. He was sitting in front of her, on the visitor chair again, fidgeting with his hands nervously but smiling to his thoughts. The class ended 10 minutes ago, and all this time she was reviewing the papers while waiting for the boy to start talking. He hadn’t, so Scorpia prompted. “You’ve been like that for a long time. Is it…” she stopped on time. When did she start to lose her grip with patience? Just let him talk. If he needs time, he needs time. Maybe it’s important and serious.
“Yeah, I’m definitely just being silly. I’m sorry, you probably had something to tell me, and I’m just sitting here, overthinking stupid things, oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I…”
“Gosh, James. Take your time. I don’t exactly have anything to start with, so let’s consider this is what our lesson will begin with. You’re worried about something that has to do with me, but it isn’t something bad, so just collect yourself and go for it, alright?”
“I told my parents. About you. And, I mean, it just sounds mean, but at the end you’re Sirius’ sister, and he’s under their custody now, and it would make sense for him as their kid to inform them of new interesting things and what’s happening in school, also, you know, you’re an actually nice member of the family.. oh that was mean I’m so sorry—“
“No, continue.”
“Sorry. Yes. So. I don’t know why I’m freaking out but I am.”
“Am I right when I say… you are “freaking out” because you owled your parents mentioning Sirius’ sister coming to school, and you think it’s… mean?”
James looked at her for a few seconds, deep in his thoughts. Then he blinked a few times, and arched an eyebrow “Yeah?”
“Why?”
He stared back again. Probably Scorpia should have directed her question more straightforwardly. But then, let’s give him space to say and improvise. His mind will wonder that way. Honestly, his mind seems to be a mess already.
“I… don’t know? It feels disrespectful to me, when I have to tell someone I talked about them with other people. Isn’t that… kind of rude?”
“Well, did it feel disrespectful to you while you were “talking about me to other people” then?” Scorpia made air quotations with her hands, holding in an amused smile. She was enjoying this way too much, something told her. The kid is worried, and she is smiling. Great.
Meanwhile, James looked so serious, as if considering “To be or not to be?”, instead of a simple question “why”. His brows were furrowed, hands clutching to the book bag on his lap, and slightly tapping out some melody with his right foot. Few moments passed before he could get his thoughts together, “No, it didn’t. Is it bad? Should I not have mentioned you at all?”
Today he was quite non-verbal, when usually - as she noticed from her classes - it would take some effort to make him stop talking. “James. I really don’t understand what makes it such a big problem in your head. You shared an important moment for you - and Sirius - with your parents, you have the absolute right to do so.” Alright, let’s rush this just a bit, “Is this what makes you worried? Or is there something else?” He didn’t respond right away, so Scorpia’s mind had some time to wonder. Oh mon dieu, how could I even not think about it? He is probably worried about Sirius. But then, what does it have to do with his parents?, “I can assure you Sirius is okay, if that's what it is.” In response, James shook his head quickly, “No, no. I believed you when you smiled. Right?..” And it was so cute, honestly. James Potter looking for confirmation on the most obvious part of non-verbal communication - a smile. But then, of course he was. He probably considered her his teacher, not just a DADA professor, and it required a different approach?
She nodded, “Yes, I did smile to tell you he’s okay. What is this about then?” Patience, love, Scorpia told herself, what ever happened to that concept, mhm?
“My parents want to meet you” James sent her glances, eyes fixed down, looking as if he was guilty of the worst thing ever, and was expecting her to yell and shout.
Scorpia calmly replied, “I think it is just great, because it happens to be that I would love to meet them, too.” She let herself smile, looking at the slowly crawling understanding on James’ face. He swallowed, then nodded. The whole conversation was… weird for Scorpia. What was he on about? If it would be Sirius in front of her (though she is ready to admit how alike they are, it still feels different to be around them), she would cling on to that weirdness, until she untangles the true reason for his feelings. With James though - she’s not his therapist, is she? - she wanted to erase the topic fully, starting from blank.
“Okay, anything else?” she tried to smile reassuringly.
“They wanted to… to meet you”, Ah, that’s why he was so worried. He had to ask for something from me, like my time. Such a sweet boy, Scorpia smiled to her thoughts, eyes still on James, who seemed to light up before saying the next phrase. “Our next quidditch match is soon, and they’re coming, so my mom was wondering if she could meet you… Honestly, it sounded more like you don’t have a choice but go and talk to her, but, well, she can be overprotective, especially when it’s Sirius, so–”
“Got it. I will, James. Don’t think that meeting the people who were taking care of my brother was never on my list, alright?”
“Okay. Alright, that’s great, I’ll tell her. Teach me something now!” The boy’s eyes lit up, full of excitement, all the worry gone.
***
“Can you teach me something else! Please!”
Her and Michael were spending time in the house library. He was preparing a paper on transfiguration for his healer application, while Scorpia roamed around, mostly looking for books on the breedings of dark creatures.
“What do you want to know, Mike?” She rolled her eyes slightly, turning from a book shelf to face him, keeping her finger on the book she stopped at.
She knew what. He had been asking her about psychology for the past weeks, all since that one time she taught him a simple check-eye-color trick.
“Je ne sais pas! Quelque chose d’intéressant.” Michael switched back to French. He knew how to ask her for things, just say something out of the ordinary, for example, start speaking English. Make her remember her childhood, get on her good side. But, well, what was the point of doing so if she knew his intentions?
Scorpia waited a little more, seeming to ignore him and turn back to the books. “Come on!”, he whined, “I’m going to be a healer, I will have to communicate with people! Teach me something.”
“Why don’t you read a book about it? I can lend you one.”
“Lend me one? It is probably from my library anyway…” Mike mumbled, resting his head on top of a pile of parchment in front of him. He wasn’t wrong, Scorpia had to admit. It is his library.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to teach him, honestly. No, she was thrilled by the concept of sharing her excitement on the topic. But he really, really needed to practice his English (totally not because she just loved to watch him beg), so she took her time. Her finger finally stopped on a small book with a worn dark-green cover. Pulling it out, the young woman slowly sat down in front of her boyfriend.
“Oka-ay,” she stretched out the vowel, pretending to open the book and start reading. She wasn’t, though. “If you ever speak to someone shy, just make eye contact and nod slightly while listening, it normally encourages people to keep talking. But never let your smile look pitiful or understanding, just make it feel like you’re truly enjoying the conversation.” She looked up to see his amazed eyes. Full of adoration. Honestly, he can be so cute sometimes. Scorpia leaned over the table to kiss his slightly parted lips, and sat back down with a smile.
It took Mike around 5 minutes to get himself together. It seemed like nothing happened, but he was soaking in all the information, all the little details and movements of her tender fingers…
Scorpia was not done, though. “Or, if you are arguing with someone, try to find and focus on something that you both agree on, not on the thing your debate is about. As in, if we are ever arguing about whether it’s better to speak English or speak French at home, our point of agreement could be that we both have history connected to each language, and they both matter to us. I would stick to this, then. Got it?”
“Oui,” he breathed, still staring at her.
***
“Um… Scorpia?” She distinguished James’ voice through the thick gaze of thoughts and memories. Doing her best to wave the handsome guy from her mind, she focused on James.
“Yes. I’m sorry. Before we start, I wanted to talk about our previous conversation. I am sorry for asking about Remus, if I knew it was that important I wouldn’t. Tell me how they reacted, do you feel like they’re mad at you, personally?” She got up, circling her desk to take the poster off. She planned a conversation with Remus. And she doesn’t need him distracted or anxious. Replacing it with a description, - and a little drawing - of Swooping Evil. Written by her for her Dark Creatures and Their Spread paper in 1974, that night with Michael in the library.
James watched her carefully, following every movement. Only when a different poster was up, he spoke. “I don’t know, I couldn’t know. Remus is hard to understand sometimes, but he did say it wasn’t my fault. I don’t think you should apologize… though it was amazing the way you just… guessed it. Are you gonna teach me how to do it?”
Scorpia smiled. “I already told you how I did it, learn by yourself. I’ll talk to Remus, we’ll figure his reaction out.”
“Don’t… Maybe don’t mention it?” James smiled nervously, watching her go back to her chair and sit down, folding the poster neatly on the crease lines, and placing it gently in the bottom drawer.
“Lycanthropy? James, I know you’re still not convinced, but I’m not a copy of Walburga, okay?”
“No, no, I… You actually are one of the Black’s I do like.” He smiled awkwardly, though he was clearly starting to get impatient.
Yes, of course Scorpia noticed the “one of”. And of course her first thought was that he is not talking about Andromeda. That was a thing to look into… later. She wasn’t going to bother him with her questions right now, because she finally set an agenda in her mind.
“Okay, so, last time I promised you some observations of kids in my classes. I had a Hufflepuff-Gryffindor class yesterday. Third years. How do you think body language changes as we age?” Scorpia smiled at him, and got up from her chair once again, going to the bookshelf.
James was so eager to learn new things, he barely took his time to think, “Well, do you mean just movements? I don’t know, older people are usually slower, their posture changes with age, and… and, I don’t know, their reaction time also slows. Maybe they have trouble walking so they lean on things. Am I right?” He beamed up at her excitedly. Scorpia watched him carefully for a few seconds before replying.
“Well, you are not wrong. But I meant in the feelings way, not the physical aspect of our bodies. Here – how would a kid, say around 5 years old, show their excitement about something?” Scorpia asked, taking in James’ serious face before turning back to her books. She was searching for something she could give him for free-time reading.
This question made James stay silent for a little longer. Just a little, though, before he made up his mind and spoke, “Do you mean… They would probably yell, right? You know, happy screaming?” The woman couldn’t hold her smile, how was this boy so… he was just so James. “James”, the name just fits him, doesn’t it?
Scorpia finally chose a book, and placing it on the desk in front of James, she flopped back into her seat. Putting the humor she saw in his words aside, she thought. And again, he wasn’t wrong, it just wasn't what she was looking for. “Well”, she laughed, “you’re not wrong, one more time. Though, I would say… To show their excitement, a kid would do things like extra moving - jumping up and down, running around, clapping hands. I mentioned that before, the eyes of a person can tell you a lot. And though this one almost doesn’t change through the years, it just shows more complicated emotions with time. Par exemple, our kid’s eyes would just be widened and glossy with excitement, when a teen’s eyes at a similar moment might also have hints for doubt, sadness or other smaller emotions. Got what I mean?”
The boy looked at her, considering what she said. “Yes. That does make sense. Is that something that someone did in class? Imagine a 5th year jumping up and down clapping hands”, he chuckled.
“That wouldn’t be very funny, James. That’s called a psychological disorder. And you should treat those people just as equal as anyone else, and not laugh at their ways to express emotions. I’ll have you know, I believe Pandora has something of a sort. It is not great to ask - and I won’t, and you shouldn’t. But I am telling you, just so you acknowledge, that it's common and is absolutely okay. Your best friend has attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder, though I’m not sure he even knows about it.” She remained serious through her talk, but smiled at the end. Her brother…
That seemed to shut James up for a minute. Well, that makes sense, he is probably rethinking everything that happened with Sirius, what could have he done differently, and…— Scorpia’s thoughts were caught off by James, who finally found his voice, and started talking rapidly. “Okay. Tell me more, please. What is it? How do I know if someone has… a disorder? What should I do? Can I help them, how? Sirius, why doesn’t Sirius know? Isn’t it supposed to be treatable if it’s a disorder?” He listed all his questions one by one, looking Scorpia straight in the eye, and if she’s being honest, she never saw him that serious and concerned at the same time. And, again, of course the first thing he asked about was how to help. What could he do, what should he do to help his friends.
She was so, so, obsessed with the boy.
“Not always there is treatment, James. But I appreciate your willingness to help, thank you for taking this seriously. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who don’t. A mental disorder is a condition that can affect your thoughts, feelings, mood or just general perception of the world. There are some common ones, such as clinical depression, anxiety and panic disorders, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia - you have probably heard of that one -, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic disorder, and others like dementia or amnesia. There are specific signs to almost all of them, so you could possibly pick them up. I’m not your private teacher, James, I’m just here to guide your curiosity, okay? I am giving you this book,” Scorpia placed her hand on the hard green cover, moving the book up the table, closer to the boy in front of her, “so you can read it on your own. It’s not homework or anything, but I am confident it will have the answers to most of your questions on the topic. As for Sirius. He doesn’t know it because no one diagnoses disorders in our family. To them, diagnosing basically means putting a label on his behavior. And I tend to think they quite like to believe there is no reason behind their son’s actions, other than his own brain. I could tell him, of course, and I probably will soon. As for you taking care of him. As much as I saw you too interact in the past week, he sees the world in you. I am not going to describe clearly what actions you are doing right, because I do want you to read the book first, but I don’t want you to worry.” She paused a little, considering all her mental notes she had taken on the boy before. Deciding on it, she caught his eyes, “You’re doing more than enough for him, James”
Ah, I was right. His eyes slightly widened, his inhale stopped mid-way, instead sharply releasing all the air. But then nothing. Nothing else, nothing that a normal person would notice. Not that I’m “not normal”. How it goes in her favorite song, “People are strange”, and it does describe a lot. I would rather call it strange. But then strange is mostly for Bella… wicked girl. Where is she now?.. Who was she meant to marry, decided by Cygnus? Attends, à quoi je pense?!
“Okay. Alright, thank you, I will read the book. Anything else I can know?” James came back to his senses, bringing Scorpia to them, too.
“I don’t like the phrase “what can you know”. It’s a free enough environment for you to learn anything and everything, boy. You mostly can know whatever you wish to know, you just have to look properly. Now, if you meant are we done for today - I believe we are, James. It was a lot, though it might not seem like it. Back to your parents - I will most definitely find them during your match and talk to them, tell Euphimea just that.”
“How do you know my mothers name?” James scowled, sliding down in his seat, “Don’t tell me it’s psychology, I’m going to die.”
“Um. Pathetic too much?” She raised an eyebrow, smiling at the boy. “No, not science this time. Pure teacher-skill. I have lists of your guys’ parents. Plus you’re wrong if you think Sirius didn’t talk about you and your parents the whole time during our first night. Answered all your questions?”
He laughed softly, straightening back up. “Yeah, I think so. I swear sometimes I feel like my dad loves Sirius more…”
Oop. A bell. A tiny noise appeared in Scorpia’s head, signaling an important note to take. The boy might be joking, sure, but every joke has a bit of truth to it.
“…Anyway, thank you so much for today. I promise I’ll read the book if I find time while Sirius isn’t around, he went crazy at the idea of me learning… psychology.” James said, getting up and throwing his bag over one shoulder, grinning at Scorpia.
“I could imagine why,” she smiled back, getting up to close the door behind him. “Thank you for staying, James. I appreciate your curiosity. Have a great night, tell Sirius hi from me”, her smile widened, looking at the boy nod and walk away through the empty classroom.
James. James. She was obsessed with saying his name, just as much as she was obsessed with the boy himself. She loved saying his name out loud. Every time she used “Sirius” in a sentence, it made her (probably her brother, too) like she was scolding his for something. Any time she would use Reg’s full name, it would feel like she is trying to bring him back from his always wandering mind, to comfort him. But James. With James, it made her feel like it added seriousness. It added weight to her words, like it made him understand her better. It was a strange feeling. She loved it. She knew she would love the boy one day, too.
Finishing off grading the papers, Scorpia cleaned up her table a little, and walked out of the office, locking the door with a key. She then wiped the green board clean, and leaving the cloth messily laying nearby, she walked out of her class.
Getting in her bedroom, she sighed. Too many things, he brain was already boiling up. She thought of Mike. Of his hands on her waist, of his eyes deep in hers, of his voice above her ear, telling her it will be okay. That she is beautiful. That he loves her.
She fell asleep alone on the huge bed, hugging her covers.