The sun was warm and the air cool. Winter was leaving and the trees were healing for summer. It was the last Hogsmeade weekend their group had decided to participate in before cramming for their sixth year N.E.W.Ts.
James had finally managed to convince Lily and Marlene to let him tag along the whole time. And Peter was busy trying to smart up to his new girlfriend from Hufflepuff. They all walked together, through Zonko's, Dominic Maestros, and finally they all conjoined in Honey Duke’s.
“I’ll shove these Sugar quills up your nose I swear James-”
“I love sugar Quills.” James said, jumping out of the way as Lily tried to kick him.
They all smiled. It seemed those two were getting closer by the day. About damn time Sirius thought.
“ Hey, do you think Katie would like these?” Sirius turned to face Peter holding up some sort of fancy chocolate in the shape of hearts.
“I think she’d like them more like this really.” Sirius waved his wand morphing the chocolates into something crude. Peter guffawed and quickly shoved the chocolate to the bottom of the display. Sirius snickered.
“Hey Pete, can you come over here for a sec?” Katie Salwic called over her shoulder, Peter practically skimpered to her side. Sirius almost felt sorry for Peter, his friend had never been really out there. And so when Katie asked him out at the last Quidditch game he pretty much became enamored with her from that moment. Despite having not met her before and had previously taken part in James and Sirius’ jabs at her bitcher than thou attitude since she became Prefect, Peter was really just grateful to be noticed by a girl, any girl for that matter. It was clear, at least to Sirius, that Katie was only really interested in using Peter for her own self-esteem.
She’d been broken up with publicly by her seventh year boyfriend of a year. Apparently she was too immature and clingy for him now. Her ex was a douche anyway but Sirius didn’t like seeing one of his friends be used as a rebound.
Sirius had stayed on the fringes of the group all afternoon, laughing and joking when he thought it was expected of him but not really stepping out there. If anyone noticed his sullen aura no one mentioned it. Even if they did, Sirius didn’t think they would, fearing they'd make it worse. This whole year had been bollocks.
As Remus and Marlene laughed at a joke he receded more towards a display on the wall. It was filled with foreign candy. Turning his back to the group completely he let his face drop as his eyes roved over the selection. He was sixteen and officially without family. Except his Uncle, who seemed promising but it was too early in their pen pal letters to tell. It’s been two months since he dropped the hitch and ran from his family, since he was officially disowned a week later. And it's been a month since the accident. Sirius took a glance to the opposite wall, over a stand of sweets that claimed to change your tongue rainbow. Remus was in deep discussion with Marlene, or rather she was talking and he was staring at her with a fond smile. Sirius whipped his head back to the display of sweets on his wall, and inhaled deeply. He began to sort through the different candy under the display anxiously. It was his fault Remus wasn’t laughing with him instead, it was his fault. No one else could be held accountable for what he’d done. If it wasn’t for gentle James then Sirius would and could have been tried for the death of a student. And it would have ended up with Remus in Azkaban for doing something he never meant to. All because of Sirius.
A crash and a series of raucous laughter from the opposite side of the store made Sirius tense up. He could be happy over there with his friends if he hadn’t been so scatterbrained and selfish. Snivillus was a right arse but he, Sirius, wasn’t a murderer. Sirius came across the chocolate eclair shaped into hearts that Peter had been looking at earlier.
“Wicked Rem, honestly I would’ve lost my shit”. Marlene said from across the store. A few snickers could be heard from the group.
“Oh no no Marls, I did lose my shit”. Remus went on explaining some story Sirius couldn’t hear as they moved out of earshot, towards the registers probably. Sirius took another deep breath and yanked his hands away from the heart chocolates.
What sort of fucking wanker decides to hang out with his friends after making probably the worst mistake of his entire fucking life that ended up endangering those friends. This wanker. Sirius Orion Black, a fuck up in all fields, just wait long enough and he’ll fuck up your life just like he fucked up his.
The weekend before Hogwarts got all Valentine-ed up for the most lovey dovey holiday in the entire fucking world. And Sirius was here–trailing behind his best friends in the entire world, and behind the sweetest boy he’d ever met and whose life he completely fucked up just last week. Sirius recalled the snippets of conversation he’d heard in HoneyDuke’s, with a sinking feeling Sirius felt it must have been about him. Who else would Mo-Remus be pissed off at? If he should be pissed at anyone it should be Sirius. He’d taken the cake for the biggest dickwad in all of Remus’ life–maybe not the biggest, that’d have to be rewarded to the douchebag who bit him. Sirius felt his face fall even more upon realizing he must be equal too or right below that person. He lagged even further. Absently he noticed the sky getting greyer, clouds became thicker. It was going to rain, of fucking course. Sirius stopped dead on the side of the street to look down from the sky to his friends–they weren’t there. He looked around, craned his neck to see over the hoards of students out and about–among other persons. No messy brown hair, fiery locks, or sandy blonde in sight. Sirius slumped down and stopped peering around, suddenly self-conscious. His stomach felt heavy and his heart felt all achey, like how it felt when Mother would insult Reggie, or his little Brother’s face when he saw him leaving. Hopeless. Alone. It felt like his insides were against him, and the outsides it seemed. As his eyes got wet, so did the cobbled stone. He felt frozen. The rain started coming down fast and hard, it only reminded Sirius of that night. Both of them. And now it’ll remind him of this. This sinking and alone feeling. He never felt like this. He always had someone. Reggie, Prongs, Moony, Wormtail even. And now he was standing on the side of a quickly diminishing Hogsmead street, his head down and his fists clenched like some brain dead sissy.
He stood there till the last straggler students stumbled their way out of shops and started up to the school. Before making his way back slower than the now thundering sky would warrant. He’d skipped dinner and sluggishly made his way up to the dorms, before retiring for the night, feeling as much a burden in the cozy room as he did in his own house.
Unaware of the awkward and forced conversation happening in the Great Hall for dinner that night, the Gryffindor table seemed as dim as the enchanted cloudy sky above it.