For an atheist, Remus Lupin has spent a lot of time pondering God. He’s not real, but if he is, why has he chosen to forsake Remus so tirelessly? He’s not real, but if he is, why do bad things happen to good people? He’s not real, but if he is, what did Remus do to deserve this?
These are the kinds of questions that can drive a man to madness. This is why Remus is heavily medicated (among other, diagnosable reasons). Which is why at the bright, early hour of 4:00PM, Remus is opening his eyes for the first time in 15 hours. He rolls over, basking in the sunlight, and aimlessly paws his nightstand. There, he finds his phone, along with a glass of water, a muffin, and a note written in a familiar scrawl.
“Morning Remus!
Baked some muffins this morning. Hope you enjoy. James, Sirius and I are at the library cramming for Econ. Come join us when you’re ready!
-Peter”
Remus smiles at the note, attempting to ignore the familiar feeling of guilt pooling in his gut. He’s not really sure what he did to deserve his friends, and his unworthiness weighs in his mind on a daily basis. He sits with the guilt, as he often does, before turning on his phone to mindlessly scroll for half an hour before getting up.
Once his brain feels properly decayed, he drags himself out of bed, using every ounce of strength he has to do so. Some (most) days, he doesn’t seem to have enough energy to keep his heart beating. Today was one of those days.
By 5:00, he had eaten the muffin, chugged the water, gotten dressed, and brushed his teeth. He grabs his backpack and keys, runs a hand through his waves in a pathetic attempt to tame them, and leaves the apartment.
It was a simmering hot day outside, and he could feel the heat sucking up what little energy he had. The sun seemed to be glaring at him, punishing him. He puts on his headphones and lets the world go quiet for a minute. He finds that the world is much more bearable when it is muted.
He quickly arrives at the library, and immediately sees his friends in the corner waving him over. James is the first to speak.
“Good morning! How was your slumber, sleeping beauty?”
“It was fine, thank you. How’ve you guys been getting on?”
“Oh, fine. This stuff is endlessly boring, though. I don’t know how you can have it as your major.”
“To be frank, I don’t know how either.”
James gestures wildly with his hands, motioning for Remus to sit.
“C’mon, join us.”
Sirius immediately scoots over, pushing James into the wall.
“Hey! Excuse me!”
Peter pipes up.
“Sit with me, Remus, let poor Prongs breathe.”
James shook his head indignantly.
“Thank you, Peter. Nice to know someone here cares about my wellbeing.”
Sirius gave James a shove.
“I care about you plenty. I’m just trying to be hospitable towards our dear Moony.”
“At my expense!”
“God forbid a man does an act of kindness.”
“Oh, we’re bringing God into this, are we? I wasn’t aware you two were so friendly.”
“Well, all these years of Catholic guilt weren’t for nothing, Prongs.”
Remus sighs, letting the two continue bickering as he settles in next to Pete. That was the natural order of the group, anyway. They were all close knit obviously, but James and Sirius were closer, as were Remus and Peter. James and Sirius’s big personalities matched together perfectly, while Remus and Peter’s soft demeanors were drawn to each other almost immediately.
“Did you like your muffin?”
“It was delicious. You’ve outdone yourself again.”
“Oh, you know, I try.”
“Calm down Pete. Don’t act so full of yourself, now.”
Peter gives Remus a half-hearted shove, his cheeks even redder than usual.
Sirius, apparently tired of entertaining James, leans across the table, crowding Remus’s space.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Want to watch Parks and Rec tonight? I’ve got a hefty supply of Tony’s Chocolonely.”
The two had bonded over their shared love for sitcoms, and Sirius’s love for buying Remus chocolates.
“Well, you know I can’t possibly say no to Tony.”
“I keep forgetting you two are involved. How is that going, by the way?”
“He proposed! The wedding is in June. You’re not invited.”
Sirius mock gasps, placing a bejeweled hand over his chest.
“What ever have I done to deserve this? You wound me, Moony. You wound me!”
“Tony doesn’t like you. He didn’t want me to tell you, but, well, here we are.”
“What did I do to him? He should love me! I support his business frequently!”
“He heard you bad-mouth him. Says he can’t bear to have someone who prefers Ghirardelli at his
wedding. It’s just not good for the brand, I’m sure you understand.“
“Did you fight for me?”
“Ehhh.”
“Moony! We’ve been friends since we were ten, and you can’t even bother to invite me to your wedding?”
“Well, you’re quite the upstager, you know. I can see you coming in white.”
“You can’t possibly hold that against me. You know how spectacular I look in white! It really brings out my eyes.”
“Exactly. I can’t have you outshining me on my own wedding day.”
“Oh, fine. Have it your way. I’ll just suffer. Would you do me the honor of giving me the date, so I know when to spend the day sobbing in bed?”
“I guess. It’s the least I can do.”
Later that evening, the two of them had finished with the first season of their show, and polished off three bars of Tony’s. Sirius shuts the laptop closed, turning to lay on his side, facing Remus completely. Remus mirrors him.
Sirius opens his mouth to speak before promptly shutting it. Remus raises an amused eyebrow, tilting his head.
“Spit it out, Pads.”
“Why don’t you date?”
“I think you know.”
Sirius nods slowly, indicating for Remus to elaborate.
“People like me aren’t cut out for dating. Once I’m in love with someone, I’m insanely attached.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people want to be committed. If anything, people seek out the kind of dedication you have.”
“Well, sure, the dedication is great and all, but the rest of me isn’t. I’m already bad enough, but when I’m in love I- well, I transform completely. I become an animal of sorts, deranged, clingy, greedy.”
“I think you just need someone who can handle you. And I know for a fact that anyone would be delighted, elated even, to have you. Really, I think you’re not as difficult as you think you are.”
“People think they can handle it. But when I’m no longer fun and manic, when I’m inconsolably depressed, when I need too much, I’m no good.”
“Listen to me. You are not too much. And I really, truly believe that if you just tried opening your heart to love, you’d be pleasantly surprised. And as your friend, I want to see you happy.”
Remus sighs, giving Sirius an undefinable look before nodding his head.
“Okay. If it really means that much to you, I’ll try. But I expect you to take on the financial burden of buying me chocolates when I inevitably get my heart shattered.”
“Deal.”
Sirius puts his hand forward. Remus laughs under his breath before reaching out to shake it.
Sirius, considering step one of ‘Mission: Pull Remus Lupin’ a success, launches himself off of Remus’s bed, leaving him to ponder the weight of what he just agreed to.
Two weeks later, Remus had a date planned with Benjy Fenwick. Sirius was simply furious.
They were in the dining hall, sans James and Peter, who were taking a Statistics exam. Sirius stabbed an innocent piece of lettuce with his fork, huffing.
“He’s a dick.”
Remus shook his head, confused.
“He’s a sweetheart, you know that. And anyway, you were the one who told me to start dating!”
“Well, I didn’t mean you should just jump into bed with the first person that offers!”
“I’m not ‘jumping into bed’ with anyone. And Benjy and I have been friends for a while. I don’t know what's up your ass, but chill out. You’re being a dick right now.”
Sirius had the sense to be ashamed, ducking his head down.
“Sorry. Just looking out for you, is all.”
“It’s fine. You know I can’t stay mad at you for long anyway.”
Sirius perked up at this, smiling.
“Oh, I knew you loved me.”
“Fuck off.”