Chapter Twelve
Remus POV
I chewed on the end of my quill trying to focus on the DADA essay I was writing. James lay with his back on the floor, tossing a crumpled ball of parchment in the air and catching it. I silently groaned, rubbing the knots in my shoulders. I set down my quill and grabbed the bag I had prepacked for full moon nights.
“Heading down already, Moony?” James asked, sitting up.
“Yeah,” I answered and held up an envelope. “I’ve got to mail this letter to Da first. It’s the anniversary of Mum’s…” I trailed off, but James already knew what I meant. I had told him back in our second year about the attack that had caused my mothers fatal injury.
“I can mail it,” he offered, stepping forward and rubbing slow, gentle circles on my back.
“That’s okay,” I replied, grabbing my coat and shrugging it on. “I need to stretch my legs before I go to the shack.”
“I’ll come with you.” James and I headed towards the door. Before I could open it, Sirius barged in the room. He looked murderous. Sirius slammed his fist against his bedpost.
“Padfoot!” James cried, but Sirius didn’t stop, his knuckles cracking again and again on the wood. The post creaked in protest before snapping.
“Sirius!” I shrieked. He turned towards me and I gasped. His face was red with self-inflicted scratches.
“Please,” Sirius begged. “Please.”
“Siri?” James cautiously took a step forward, but Sirius scuttled away.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius gasped. I worried that he would pass out from lack of oxygen. “Please. Please, Mother,” Sirius whimpered, curling into a ball. James and I glanced at each other wide eyed. I crouched down as Sirius continued to mumble in between sobs.
“No, don’t! Please. Punish me. Not him. Me, Mother. I’ll do anything…anything…” I doubted James could hear Sirius’s whispers but they registered clear as day to me.
“Sirius,” I said softly, slowly reaching out. “You’re at Hogwarts. Your mother isn’t here. You’re not at Grimmauld Place. You’re safe.” Sirius sniffled.
“You're not,” he breathed. James and I looked at each other again.
“We’re all safe,” James reassured. “It’s okay.”
“It's not okay,” Sirius insisted, looking up. His red, puffy eyes were haunted and filled with ghosts. As much as I had suffered from my lycanthropy, I had never experienced the horrors that Sirius had.
“I couldn’t save Reggie,” Sirius moaned, seeming to collapse in grief and agony. “And I can’t save you.”
Sirius shoved something at me. It was the Daily Prophet, disheveled and crumpled. I smoothed it out on the floor and read:
Orion Black passes Werewolf Regulation Law claiming all werewolves over the age of twenty-one must be tracked and all magic traced. He is nobly defending our children, he claims, saying in a recent interview, “I have two sons attending Hogwarts. Soon they will be out in the world—one where werewolves run free. I know my eldest in particular is very concerned with these beasts. I’m sure he wouldn’t want anything to happen to his friends.” This new law will be enforced this upcoming year, Mr. Black reassures the—
I stopped reading. “Sirius, this isn’t your fault,” I insisted, firmly. “It’s your father’s.” Sirius sobbed.
“He wanted to get at me, so he’s coming through you!” He cried. “I never should have left.”
“Sirius!” I cried. “You can’t be, well, serious! Of course you had to leave!” Sirius was shaking his head, but James was nodding furiously.
“Moony’s right, Pads. They tortured you. They tried to force terrible ideals onto you. You come back from holidays with these terrible scars and nightmares. When you showed up at my house last year…” James closed his eyes looking pained. “There’s not a day that goes by that I'm not thankful you got out.”
“I left Reggie,” Sirius whimpered. “I’m horrible.”
“You were brave to leave the only home you had ever known,” James told his best friend—practically brother. Sirius looked up again.
“Brave maybe, but not kind.”
I reached out and folded Sirius into a hug. “It was all wrong. You never should have had to make the choice,” I said.
James joined the hug and we sat there intertwined. The clock chimed. James sprung up.
“Remus, you have to go!”
“I know,” I grabbed my bag again. “Stay with Padfoot.” I faced Sirius. “You are one of the greatest people I know. Don’t forget it.”
I turned and flung open the door, heading away from my family that sat huddled on the dorm floor.
Regulus POV
I stormed down the Owlery steps shoving the letter deep into my robe pockets. Winter wind bit at my face but I relished the pain. I hadn’t been expecting a letter. The whole reason I had come up here was to have some peace and quiet away from everyone. One might argue that I had more than enough quiet on my hands, with the girls as the notable exception. But what with finals approaching and that stupid match yesterday, I just needed to be alone. No one ever came up here in the dead of winter.
No human at least. Ivan, my jet black owl, however, was not deterred. He had chirped elegantly and dropped that stupid, high quality, pine scented paper into my lap. It was from Mother, because of course it was. It’s not like anyone else sent me letters. I had been expecting more information on our “guests” but alas, nothing nearly so helpful. Instead, it was filled with reprimands. Somehow she had got wind of Sirius beating me at the match yesterday and with his excellent genes and breeding, Ivan had managed to get here the very next day. Why on earth she would care about a Hogwarts Quidditch match and house rivalry was beyond logic, but my mother had never been a terribly logical person. Emotionally driven, Sirius had once quipped, and that emotion was more often than not, rage.
I had already spent the entire night tossing and turning, replaying every second of the match to see what I could have done differently to change the outcome. I cared about it of course, but why did she have to?
I knew the answer. Because it wasn’t about quidditch, it was about being a Black. Black’s were pure bloods and Slytherins and always, always came out on top.
I fisted the letter and felt it crinkle beneath my palm. If I didn’t answer, she’d take it as a sign of disrespect. So now I had to think up platitudes on top of finals studying and packing for break. Fantastic.
As I rounded one of the tight turns I ran smack into something, or rather, someone.
“Hey!” Lupin yelped, angrily shoving his messy hair out of his eyes and glaring up at me. They narrowed as he recognized me.
I nearly screamed in frustration. Of all the people for me to run into in this Merlin forsaken place, of course it would be one of his friends.
“Merlin,” I swore under my breath. “Where are the rest of your…friends.” I may have sneered at the last word but at the moment I didn’t care. I could not see my brother today without possibly losing my mind and definitely losing my temper. I tried to shove down the panic.
“They’re not here,” Lupin bit out. “Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Well isn’t that a surprise.” I tried not to let my relief show. “Never let them out of your sight,” I muttered under my breath. “Tag along like a faithful servant.” Apparently I wasn’t as quiet as I thought.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snapped. “Just because you don’t have friends doesn’t mean you have to hate on everyone else who does.”
I didn’t let that sting. “He’s not your friend, you know. Sirius.” The words left my mouth before I could stop them. They were meant to be biting but come out more strangled than I meant them to.
“No,” Lupin said forcefully. “He’s my family.”
It felt like the breath had been punched out of me. “And look how he treats his family,” I said, my tone deadly low tone. “He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself,” the words started to leak out, like this dam I had built around the truth was starting to crack.
“You’re wrong.” I could tell Lupin was holding on to his self control by a thread, his words coming out tight.
“No. I’m not. Ask me how I know.” I took a step closer to him.
“That’s not what that was. He wasn’t being selfish,” Lupin’s voice wavered in restrained anger.
“Then what was he being?” I could feel my throat closing up. I refused to let tears spring to my eyes. Not in front of him. “Cowardly? Traitorous?”
“You don’t deserve to be his brother!” Lupin shouted.
Something snapped inside of me and blind fury shot through my veins, straight to my heart. “You’re blind to his faults!” I shouted at him. “You only see the good in him! One day he’ll stab you in the back and you’ll realize that you were the one who gave him the knife.”
“That’s a lie,” Lupin hissed. “You are the one who only sees the worst in him. You never give him a chance!”
I gripped the first cover railing so hard my knuckles turned white. A chance? My whole life was giving him a chance. I sized this idiot up. He was scrawny but there was something scrappy about him. And then there were his eyes. There was a hard glint in them, slightly haunted, that I had sometimes glimpsed in my own reflection. He knew how to fight. I know he did. That almost made it more appealing. But this halfblood was beneath me.
“I’m not wasting anymore of my breath on the likes of you,” I told him, giving him one final searing look before sidestepping around him. I noticed he, too, was gripping the railing.
“Likewise. I have more important things to do then deal with Slytherin scum,” he muttered as he started to ascend the tower.
I ran all the way down the staircase, then across the grounds towards the castle. I relished the pain. The way the cold air sliced down my throat, the way my legs burned. I needed to get to my dorm. Needed to be locked away in the common room where there was absolutely no chance I would see my brother or any of his other minions. I prayed to be left alone. No such luck. As I bursted onto a sub ground landing, panting, I physically ran into Iris.
She smiled at me. A cheerful smile, a carefree smile. I felt resentment ballooning in my chest. I wanted to be like that, be like her. Carefree. But I knew I never would be.
Her face fell as she took in my expression. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
And suddenly it all came pouring out of me. Remus and our fight, my mothers letter, the shame of losing. How mad I was. How done.
At the end she put a hand on my arm and said, “I’m so sorry Reg.” Reg. She was the only one who called me that. “Just because you don’t have friends doesn’t mean you have to hate on everyone else who does.” I could hear Remus’s voice echoing in my head. Showed how much he knew.
“I can’t believe your mother would say those things,” she breathed, looking heartbroken.
“I can,” I muttered.
“And I’m sorry Remus said those things too.”
“Can't expect anything more from a halfblood,” I spat. Then I flushed as she pulled herself up to her full height. “Sorry,” I said, looking down. “Habit.”
“I understand that you're angry with him. It’s not like it’s an easy subject to talk about in the first place, much less with someone so close to him. But you have to at least try to understand that he was just sticking up for his friend,” she said in a maddeningly patient tone.
“You’re taking his side?” I asked, incredulously. “You’re seriously defending Sirius?” I couldn’t believe her. Couldn’t believe she wasn’t standing up for me. Had he somehow gotten her under his leather jacket, daring eyed spell, like everyone else?
“I’m not defending him! I’m defending Remus!”
“Remus?! What, you’re on a first name basis with him now?” I snapped.
“Well, yes,” she said, looking slightly uneasy. “Him and Lyla are… well, seeing each other.”
“What?!” I exclaimed. Out of all the students in Hogwarts she had to pick one of them?! “She can’t see him!”
“What?” Iris asked carefully, her voice going taught.
“We don’t know him at all! And clearly he has no problem with what Sirius did. Merlin, he was one of the people Sirius ran away to.”
“I understand you resent him for that-“ she started.
“I don’t just resent him! It’s a question of morals!” I exclaimed.
“Remus isn’t the one who ran away, Reg! You can’t pin that on him.”
“I can and I will,” I said stubbornly.
“You’re being unreasonable,” she said, temper flaring behind her eyes.
“Just don’t let her see him. He’s not good for her,” I told her, hoping to end this fight before it began.
“Let her?!” she exclaimed exasperatedly. “I don’t have to let her do anything. She can do what she wants. Besides, she can decide what’s good for her!” Her face is flushing pink now and her fists clench at her sides. “I’m letting her make her own decisions, Reg. She’s more than capable of it.”
“And I’m telling you she’s not,” I said.
“That’s not your choice to make!” she yelled. “We’ve got on until now just fine without your advice.”
“I can’t believe this!” I exclaimed. “You’re just going to let her fend for herself? You’re going to let her get hurt?”
“That's not what I’m doing,” she said, her face softening in understanding. I couldn’t bear to have her look at me like that. To see me.
“Whatever. It’s not like you have the guts to stand up to either of them anyway,” I said. I wasn’t projecting, I wasn’t. It was true. I willed it to be true, because one thing I would never do was take back my words.
Hurt flashed across her face, unexpected and sudden. Regret pooled in my stomach. I was the one who was hurting her and I hated it. But I couldn’t get past my anger.
I knew how this would pan out. Lyla and Lupin would fancy themselves in stupid little teenage puppy love. And Lyla and Iris would always be inseparable. So if I was hanging out with Iris I would be hanging out with Lupin and how long before his friends tagged along? I couldn’t run that risk.
“Just stay away from me will you?” I spat at her. I had to get away from her. This was a mistake. This whole semester had been a mistake. How had I let her get under my armor?
I could tell, despite the hurt, she was going to try to work this out. To forgive me. I didn’t want her forgiveness. And I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. But I knew I had to keep her away for good.
“Reg-“
“I said stay away from me mudblood! You and your mudblood sister and her halfblood boyfriend. Stay away,” I shouted.
Her face drained of color. I knew there would be no kindness shown, no smile. This wasn’t some random Slytherin in the hallways. This was me. She had let me in and trusted me. And I had thrown it in her face. I wondered if she would be able to trust again. I hoped so. I hoped she wasn’t damaged like me. I left before I could see anymore.
Lyla POV
I opened the doors to the hospital wing. Remus lay on bed, arm thrown over his eyes, looking heartbroken. I hurried over.
“Are you alright? Stupid question. Of course, you’re not alright; you’re going to turn into a werewolf in a few hours. Is there anything I can do?” I babbled.
“Yes,” Remus croaked. He lifted his arm and looked at me mournfully. “Please give this to Regulus.” He handed me an envelope. I pocketed it.
“Okay,” I agreed, frowning. “Can I ask why?”
“We ran into each other, and I blew up on him. This is an apology letter,” Remus sighed, tears slipping out of his eye. I grabbed ahold of his hand. “I am a horrid person.”
“You’re not,” I insisted.
“But—“ Remus started.
“Hey, I’m a Ravenclaw, remember? I’m always right,” I raised an eyebrow. Remus smiled softly, his eyes gaining a sliver of light again. “Now, I don’t need to hear what happened or what you wrote, that’s between you two. What I do need to know is what your favorite post-moon snack is.” Remus smiled wider.
“Chocolate. Anything chocolate.”
“You got it,” I smiled at him. His smile slipped.
“Before…before I transform I try to think of good things that have happened in my life,” he admitted. “I’m not sure what to think about tonight. Sirius is…he had a bad day, and I probably ruined Regulus’s. I just don’t—I don’t have the energy to come up with positive things.” I leaned closer to Remus, my thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand.
“Now might not be the best time in the world, but I do have a good thing you can think about,” I said softly.
“Yeah?” Remus looked hopeful. It was enough to nearly make me burst with happiness.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “A certain professor is hosting a Christmas party for his Slug Club, and I hear dates are highly recommended. Will you come with me, Remus? Will you be my date?” Remus was crying again, tears slowly brimming over in his eyes, but there wasn’t a trace of sadness on his face. Merlin, I adored this boy.
“Yes,” Remus’s voice was thick. “Yes. I’d love to go with you.”
“It’s a date, then,” I grinned, laying down next to him. I waited with him, telling stories of sweet nothings until he had to leave.