Don't you give up,
Please don't give up,
Honey I belong, with you and only you baby.
~
Sirius has been uncertain about many things in his life. His childhood, his over confidence , even his care for his brother Regulus, despite his loyalties to his family.
Even so, he was certain, so certain, that Remus Lupin would never, ever forgive him.
It had been days, possibly weeks since the incident. 'The Prank', he heard Peter call it, and he hadn't ever felt worse. He knew he was crawling back into the dark hole of nothingness he fought so hard to get out of. And yet, he let himself seep in deeper.
He had spent most of his time in his bed, then when Regulus started to check on him he seeked refugee elsewhere and went to the only quiet place, the room of requirements.
He had been lying there, still, for so long he couldn't feel his body anymore. He remembered getting up, going to the bathroom. Cursing himself over and over, leaving marks on his pale smooth skin.
He couldn't bring himself to stop, he knew he deserved it. Remus would have never done this to him, not when Sirius had annoyed him or taken jokes a step too far, not ever.
Remus was good-- great. And Sirius was, well, Sirius. There's not much to say than that. He makes a mess, Remus cleans it up. That's how it'd always been.
So why couldn't Remus clean this up? Why couldn't he fix it? It was selfish, he knew, but Sirius had always hoped Remus would fix him.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Sirius clenches his fists and watches the blood spill onto the ground.
This is what Remus would've wanted, he tells himself. Remus would've done this to him.
He ignores the voice in his head replaying his last conversation with the other boy, if you could even call it that.
"I'm so sorry" Sirius held Remus' hand with both of his, he felt his eyes burn up from tears he'd been holding in. "I'm so sorry Remus, please, please. Don't ignore me, do anything else." He begged "Do anything else, just don't ignore me."
Remus didn't even look at him. He removed his hand and started to walk away.
"Don't pretend I'm not here, please." Sirius' breath hitched as Remus stopped. "Remus?" He watched as Remus rubbed his face, contemplating, then walked again.
But Sirius wouldn't let him, he couldn't. Soon enough, he was in front of him again.
"Hit me" He said, his voice light, as if he was amused. This time, Remus did speak.
"What?" He furrowed his brows in confusion. Sirius was so glad to hear the boy talking to him again, he just let the words flow out.
"Hit me Remus, please, please." The tears began to fall. "Hit me Remus!" He didn't realise he was yelling until he felt a tug on his arm, James.
"Calm down Sirius, you need to give him space" He whispered, like it was a secret. Like they weren't in the middle of the common room.
"Hit me Remus! Please!" He shouted, tears still poured. "I deserve it! don't I?" Sirius turned to James "I do, don't I James? Tell him, please tell him." He panted, eyes wide "So that he can forgive me"
"Sirius.. " James' movements were hesitant, like he was scared. Scared of him, Sirius realised and his heart sank.
"I just want him to understand!" Sirius looked back at Remus, who's eyes were darting around, watching everyone watch them. "You do understand, don't you? It's the only way, just hit me. I promise I'll do better. I promise"
"I'm not hurting you. " Remus stared at the ground, his voice small.
"I promise you I can't feel a thing, hit me" It now sounded more like a demand. Sirius watched as Remus took a step back "No.. No, Remus. I'll get better if you do it, I won't even cry. I promise I'll stop, right now." he began wiping his tears, so hard he knew his eyes were red. But he has stopped crying. "Look! Now you can do it" He smiled "And you won't feel bad."
He doesn't remember much after that, just that Remus had walked away. He had walked away and left him there crying, which was somehow worse than being hit.
Eventually, Dumbledore found him in the room of requirements. He wasn't mad, which made Sirius mad. Because how, how couldn't he be angry with Sirius? After everything he did, he didn't even seem upset.
He told Sirius that although he understands and empathies with him, that he cannot stay in bed all day and avoid classes.
So here he is, taking his first shower in a while. He doesn't bother with thoroughly washing his hair, when he's finished getting dressed he ties it back, scowling at the strands keep that escaping the hair tie.
When he looks in the mirror, he almost cries. Because truthfully, he looks like shit. His face is sunken in, making his eyes pop out, which, as if they don't stand out on their own, are slightly red from crying. Under his eyes are slightly black, a little purple. His skin is pale, except from the dark red on his arms, peaking out from his robe. He quickly pulls his sleeves down, he can't let anyone see that. Then they'd really think he's crazy, like the kind-of-conversation with Remus wasn't enough proof of that.
As he makes his way to his seat, his head is down. He does not dare to look up, to address everyone or to hear the whispers he knows must be about him.
He's taking out his book when the door opens. He knows then, that Remus just walked in and stops.
--
He knows Remus has paused too because he can't hear footsteps anymore.
"Are you going to keep staring out into nothing Lupin? You're holding up the class you know." Slughorn smiles. After a few seconds, he hears the footsteps again, they stop at the other end of the classroom. Furthest away from him.
He hears Slughorn make a joke about how he hasn't been in class for a while, earning a few snickers and giggles across the classroom. Still, he doesn't look up.
Not even when McGonagall walks in and shares whispers with Slughorn, He hears his name then feels eyes slowly fall on him. He keeps his eyes on the empty couldren all lesson.
"Sirius? Lesson is over" He blinks he almost winces at how dry his eyes feel. He looks up at James and sighs. "And..are you okay? You haven't been around much.. and.. well.." he trails off before Peter speaks.
"You look dead" Peter states and James gapes at him.
"Peter! You can't say that!" Lily pinches her bridge of her knows and sighs. "What he means to say is, we're worried about you. How are you doing?" Sirius doesn't know how long he took to answer but when he blinks again everyone's looking at him. By everyone he means Lily, Peter and James. Remus wasn't there, of course. They were the only ones in the classroom.
"Fine" He says, his voice hoarse. He coughs in attempt to clear his throat, then starts to pack away.
"Are to coming back to the dorm?" James asks "Listen, I know you and Remus aren't speaking but.. Well, he misses you. We all do." Sirius walks to the door and stops, he turns slightly and looks at James.
"Did he tell you that?" He already knows the answer when James starts to tremble and Lily avoids eye contact.
"No, but I know-" James was getting desperate, he took a step forward and Sirius took one back.
"Right." He turns around and walks out, leaving them with their thoughts and wishes.
Tonight he'll curse himself, he determines. He'll curse himself for being so rude to his friends.
--
Sirius went to a majority of his classes, however after lunch, which he spent in the room of requirements staring out into the quidditch pitch, he goes to madam promfey and claims he doesn't feel well.
She takes his temperature - it was fine - but let's him take the rest of the day off due to how pale he is.
As he's walking, he jumps when Regulus walks out of a dark corner of the corridor.
"You're weird" Sirius blinks.
"Where have you been?" Regulus asks, staring at his hands. Sirius follows his gaze and steps back when he sees the Spider crawling on them. As a child, Regulus had been extremely interested in insects and often spoke about them to Sirius, who never understood the appeal. Still doesn't.
"You're so weird." He says again, just for good measure.
"Sirius, what have you been doing?" He puts his hands down, letting the Spider crawl up and down his arm. He looks at Sirius' and his eyebrows rise "What happened to you?"
"You know what happened. " His hands ball up into fists.
"Still?" Regulus tilts his head. "I mean it makes sense, you seriously fucked up."
"Yeah, I get it. "
"Maybe you should just find new friends" Regulus smiles slightly. Sirius rolls his eyes at this.
"What do you know about that? You don't have any friends, you talk to insects all day!" He exclaims, gesturing to the spider dangling from his finger.
"I'm just trying to help." Regulus frowns, looking at Sirius who scowls in response.
"Yeah? Well stop it I don't need help from someone like you" Sirius watches Regulus' eyebrow twitch before he stops smiling.
"Okay." He looks down, his hair covering his eyes "Okay, whatever." Sirius walks past him, shoving him slightly in the process.
When he gets to the room he collapses onto his bed.
He doesn't know how late it was when he woke up from his nap, just that it's dark outside and he's sweating.
As he soon remembers his encounter with his friends and with his brother, he heads to the bathroom. In which he curses and curses until he's shaking and his bottom lip is bleeding from biting it too hard.
He goes to bed satisfied, even if he only gets 2 hours of sleep.
His nightmares keep him up most nights, his thoughts of that house, those people. Usually they don't get this bad, usually he has Remus, shaking him awake and telling him that it's okay. That he's here, and he won't let anything happen to him.
If not him, then James, or Peter. Or Regulus when he let his thoughts wander around him. But Remus and Regulus did it the best because he actually believed him.
He knows Peter cares about him, to an extent. He knows that once Sirius sunk into the deep end, a danger to not only himself but everyone else, that he'd back away, watching him sink deeper but unable to bring himself to even touch the water. He'd call for help but by then Sirius would be too far gone.
James though, he wouldn't hesitate to jump in, but he'd eventually get tired and come up for air. But he knows that Remus would wrap his arms around him and sink with him, hoping to find another way out, from under. And he knows Regulus would stubbornly grab him and swim upwards, help him find his way and they'd both make it back to the surface.
But they were all gone, no one could soothe him of the horrors that is his childhood. He has to thrash and cry and wake himself up.
The next day was almost the same, James comes up to him but Sirius couldn't even bring himself to answer his questions.
Curse, curse, curse, it rings through his head like a sick poem.
He goes to every lesson, even contributing to some. He didn't go to breakfast, or lunch. But at dinner he sits at the end of the table and swirls the food around his plate, not eating once.
He feels eyes on him all dinner but can't bring himself to look up and face whoever it is. Because honestly? He didn't care.
He's disgusting. He thinks as he blurs out Lily trying to talk to him. He's disgusting, he's so disgusting. He puts his head in his hands and huffs, then Lily stops talking.
Disgusting, he looks down at his hands. He's your friend, why would you do that to him? What is wrong with you? His chest is suddenly heavy and his heart fast.
He was your friend, was. Now he doesn't like you anymore.
He can feel his palms start to feel clammy as they sweat. All feels lost, like hes dying. Right here in front of everyone, he's barely keeping himself up right.
Until he hears that voice, that calm soothing voice he hasn't heard in way too long. Everything is now clear, his breathing, his vision, as he listens. Remus isn't even talking to him but he still listens. He stares ahead, at a wall, and listens to him talk all dinner. About a book, about lessons- even about quidditch, which he knows Remus hates.
He gets a fuzzy feeling, the one he always gets when hearing Remus' voice, and wants to take a bath in it.
Eventually, Sirius gets up and goes back to the room. He doesn't curse himself, instead he goes to sleep.
--
The so called 'sleep ' lasts for 15 minutes before the door is being pushed open. Sirius quickly sits up, so fast his head feels light and vision blurry.
When he rubs his eyes, he almost screams. Even though it's dark, he can make out the messy curls of Remus Lupin. He leans to the side, switches on his lamp and quietly gasps.
"Moony?" He tilts his head slightly, forgetting one of the final things Remus said to him, ('Don't call me Moony.'). He notices Remus unpacking something and quietly watches.
"Sirius," He starts, looking up at him. Sirius quickly looks down at the covers. "You need to eat." He demands. He looks back up and stares at Remus.
"What?"
"Eat. " Remus sits on the bed and stares at Sirius "You haven't been eating enough"
"I can't." Sirius tried to move but feels paralyzed. He then realises how weak he actually is, how much meals he skipped without a second thought. "Remus, I can't" His voice was thick as he fell back onto the head board.
He rubs his eyes as he feels his eyes start to shut. He was so tired, he just wants to sleep. He feels the bed dip and sighs.
"Moony?" He gets no reply and frowns. It's his mind playing tricks on him, he determines. Remus isn't really here, he won't save him.
Suddenly he feels something prodding at his lips.
"Open." Remus says, his voice gentle and quiet. Sirius opens his mouth quickly, ignoring his body's pleads to lie down and sleep for weeks. A spoon enters his mouth, he quickly swallows, then coughs. "Don't swallow so quickly, you need to chew." Remus moves a hair out of Sirius ' face. "Okay?" Sirius nods and accepts the next portion.
"Moony.." Sirius whines after the fourth spoonful. "I'm tired."
"I know. But you need to eat something, then you can sleep. " Sirius rests on Remus' shoulder as he feeds him silently.
It should be embarrassing, it should feel humiliating. But it's not and he doesn't. If anything, he feels better.
When his finished, he drinks a whole bottle of water, and eats an orange.
"I'm so sorry" Sirius feels his eyes water "I'm for what I did Remus"
"Stop apologising" Remus sighs, cleaning up.
"But you don't forgive me"
"I'm trying to" Remus starts to tuck Sirius into bed, whilst he's going to open the window he accidentally grazes over Sirius' clothed wrists.
Sirius eyebrows knit together as he closes his eyes and winces. When he opens them again, Remus is staring at him.
"What was that?" He asks.
"What was what?" Sirius whispers.
"What you just did. Why did you do that?" Remus holds Sirius' wrists.
"Ow! Don't do that!" He cries. Remus immediately loosens his grip and takes a step forward.
"Sirius, show me." Remus frowns. "Please."
"No" Sirius tugs his sleeves down, trembling.
"Sirius"
"I can't. I can't!" Sirius shouts, pulling away.
"Why?"
"Because.. Because.." He looks back up at Remus and realises. This is Moony, Moony wouldn't make fun of something like this. Even though he has every right to. Sirius looks up at him and rolls his sleeve up. Remus stays still for a minute.
He hates him, he thinks he's disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting. Repulsive. Curse. Curse, curse, curse.
He doesn't even notice he's crying until Remus has wrapped his arms around him and is quietly shushing him.
"It's okay, it's okay" Sirius sniffles and buries his face into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm so gross. I'm so sorry"
"You're not gross Sirius, you aren't and I.." Remus sighs. Sirius watches his face as it starts to turn a slight pink.
"It's okay, I understand." Sirius smiles, because he does understand. Remus nods and smiles a little.
"You're not gross" Remus assures "But we need to go to Madam Promfey about this, okay?"
"Okay. " Remus rubs his back and Sirius allows himself to hug him tighter "Can we just stay like this for a while?"
"Yeah." Sirius sighs "Yeah of course."
--
"Peter got practically screamed at by James, for saying you look dead" Remus laughs, Sirius grins at him.
"For real?" He asks. It had been 2 weeks since the Remus came to see him. After bandaging him up, he had to stay with Madam Promfey until he he was better. He had gained some weight, got some sleep, and washed his hair. Him and Remus also had a very long talk, and they were speaking again.
"Yeah, you should have seen poor Peter, all red in the face and everything" Remus nudges him.
"Don't tell me that, I'll feel bad" He jokes.
"No, you won't." Remus smiles and Sirius laughs as they walk into the great hall. "Hey, have you gotten taller?"
"Yeah, course I have. You're not the only tall one in the group you know. I grew like, an inch. "
"You're already tall, taller than Peter" Remus notes, Sirius scoffs.
"Everyone's taller than Peter"
"Taller than James!"
"Okay, fair. " They sit on the table and talk, ignoring the stares from his friends and classmates on the table.
"Okay, what is going on here?" James finally asks "I thought you guys were like..I don't know, not friends?"
"It's their own business" Lily rolls her eyes and smiles at them.
"Yeah, it's our own business" Remus smiles and Sirius laughs.
"Yeah but.. Remus, don't you remember what he did?" Peter says "You were really mad. Did he even apologise?"
"Just leave him alone." Remus frowns. "It was between me and him, and it's over now. So can we just not talk about it, please?" James watches them for a while before nodding.
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." Peter nods too, he goes back to eating, James does the same.
-
After breakfast, Sirius goes to find his brother. It's difficult, Regulus is always where he shouldn't be and Sirius didn't want to be late to lesson.
He almost gives up until he passes the greenhouse and sees dark curls peaking out.
"Reg?" He calls. Regulus turns to face him, his face slightly flushed.
"Again, I'm so sorry for what I said" Sirius walks up to him. "I know you choose to be by yourself, and that you could have friends if you wanted to.."
"What? What did you say?" Regulus stammers.
"About you not.. what are you doing?" Sirius' peaks his head into the greenhouse and almost shouts.
"James? What are you doing in here with my brother?"
--