April 9th 1981
Regulus stood outside the large house with the old wooden door. He wasn't even entirely sure why he had come here or how many minutes he had actually been standing on the house’s front step in the late night air. He had been running on adrenaline for days, months of careful planning finally on the edge of fruition. He knew that this was likely a mistake. That this could very well be the end for him, here and now. But he had to see him. One last time.
He finally summoned his courage and hit three distinct knocks at the door.
Silence.
Of course, nobody was there. Why would they be? The war had picked up significantly after he had left Hogwarts, but the past year had been increasingly difficult with the rising number of Death Eaters. Many of the wizarding families that had not fallen under Voldemort’s reign had gone into hiding, even fleeing to other countries.
The house remained silent. Why had he come here? He was about to apparate when to his surprise the creaky door opened, and James Potter stood on the other side, wand up and at the ready.
“Regulus?” James questioned softly, lowering his wand slightly as he made eye contact with the young man who had been knocking at his front door.
“James.”
Regulus had not seen James since before Christmas of his sixth year, and had not spoken to him since that December, when Regulus informed James that he would be taking the dark mark over the holiday, thereby ending the happiest year of Regulus’s life and their relationship in turn.
Regulus carefully took in his image. James was twenty one now, and though he was still incredibly young in years he looked a few years older. He was wearing muggle clothes, a dark gray t-shirt and jeans, relaxed but as if he was ready to spring into action at a moment's notice. His jaw was more pronounced than it used to be, though his dark hair was still unruly as always.
He was no longer the teenager that he would sneak around the corridors of the castle with. He was now a man. A young man, but a man. His eyes sat darker beneath his glasses, lacking the mischievous sparkle they did years ago. He was a man that had been prematurely branded with life, death, and… Regulus finally took notice of the baby boy that slept peacefully on James’s chest … fatherhood.
He hadn’t noticed the sleeping baby at first. He supposed it was because it simply seemed so natural. He had almost forgotten that James had a son. Memories of the new “Potter boy” mentioned in a Death Eater meeting almost a year ago came back to him, though the details of what came after were blurry as he also remembered no longer being able to focus. Because James Potter had a baby. But of course he did. James had always wanted children, he had told him so during one of their routine late night visits to the astronomy tower.
James blinked a few times, as if he was trying to make a hallucination disappear. Regulus knew he must look different too. No longer young and in school robes. His curls had grown longer and his eyes were as gray and cloudy as ever. Life had also marked him with a certain solemness that could only come from witnessing the unspeakable. James was the one who eventually broke the silence.
“Regulus.” He repeated softly. Though this time it wasn’t a question.
“James.” Regulus spoke again, exhaling.
“I-“ James started. But stopped himself once again just looking back at Regulus, mouth slightly agape.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Regulus replied softly. “I only wanted to- I just...” He was sure he had never sounded more frail.
James, still staring, suddenly seemed to remember himself. He quickly looked out the door and down the street and then back to Regulus finally lowering his wand and stepping to the side.
“Come in.” James stated plainly. “Quickly.”
Regulus swallowed hard. He hesitated for a second but did as told, and stepped across the threshold into the Potter household. James was silent as he closed the door firmly again, locking it with enchantments, and moved towards the sitting room.
Though they had technically been together for just over a year Regulus had never actually been to the Potter house before. Too risky. It was so unlike the one he grew up in. He could see why Sirius had liked it so much, and sang its praises every time he returned. You could practically feel the warmth and love radiating off of the walls. It wasn’t just a house, it was a home.
The walls were carefully decorated with photos of family and friends, Sirius in many. He caught a particular photo of his brother, James, Remus, and Peter. It was summertime and they were outside laughing with their arms around each other's shoulders. They couldn't have been older than fifteen. As he slowly made his way, he watched more of the photos. James as a young child with his father learning to ride a broom, James and Sirius on Christmas morning, Sirius and Remus at 20, sitting on the front steps of a house he didn't recognize, talking and passing a cigarette back and forth staring at each other fondly. They obviously didn't know the photo had been taken. He remembered when he and James started talking the two were on bad terms.
And then there was James’s wedding photo. Him and Lily standing eyes on eachother, his hands around her waist. James’s parents were standing proudly beside Lily, while to James’s right Sirius stood with his arm around Remus, and Peter smiling and laughing. He looked back at James and Lily’s faces. There was so much love present between them. Between them all. He finally pulled his eyes away and continued to follow James into the cozy sitting room standing in front of the fireplace.
He watched as James moved around the room. He collected a small blanket from the sofa and crossed to the other side of the room gently placing the baby in a small bassinet that sat there. James moved through the actions as they were second nature. Confident and sure. It reminded Regulus of how he had once been on the quidditch pitch. James laid the blanket over the small boy ensuring he was laying comfortably then smiling softly down at him.
James eventually moved to stand in front of the couch across from Regulus. There was a good deal of distance and a coffee table between them.
“How-“ James started, “Why, are you here?”
“I had to see you.” Regulus responded carefully. James stood with his hands on his hips.
“Why?” Was all James could say breathing out heavily.
“I needed it to be the last thing I do before…” he trailed off. He truly didn’t even know where to begin. He had thought countless times over what he may say to James if he ever saw him again but now here he was in front of him there were no words. There were no words that could sum up everything he needed to say.
“Look, I don’t know what you’re playing at,” James said in a sharper tone than he had used before, “but I still don’t understand why you are here. Do you realize how many people you put at risk by coming here? Not to mention yourself.”
“I know. I know.” Regulus said quickly.
They let the silence fall around them again for a few moments. James looked at his feet and then back up to Regulus, meeting his eyes with a softer look.
“Did you really leave them?” He said softly. Regulus was shocked. He didn’t expect them to discuss it. The war. The horrible side of it that had divided them.
“Yes.” Regulus stated “But how did you-“
“Protective enchantments.” James stated. “Strong ones. Detecting allegiance before they can even find the house.”
“Of course.” Said Regulus, who was at that moment feeling so incredibly stupid. Of course there were enchantments covering every inch of this house and its property.
“I’m surprised you thought you would just be able to walk up to the front door in the first place.” James spoke harsher again.
“I’m sorry. I didn't think- I’m sorry." Regulus had never felt so exposed in his life. Not even under the countless curses he had endured under the hand of his mother.
Just then a cry came from the bassinet. James let out a sigh and went back to it, picking up the baby inside whispering sweet things with a loving voice and bouncing the boy gently as he laid across on his chest in his fathers arms. Regulus could see him clearer now. He has the same dark hair as James. But his eyes? His eyes were undoubtedly Lily’s.
“He’s beautiful.” Regulus said quietly. The baby started to quiet again as James shifted his gaze once more.
“Thank you.” He said. “His name is Harry.”
“Harry Potter.” Regulus stated.
James rocked back and forth continuing to calm little Harry again.
“Yeah.” James spoke softly. “Though Sirius wanted him named in his likeness of course.” he said sarcastically.
Regulus startled slightly at the mention of his brothers name, but let out a half hearted uncomfortable laugh. His brother was always one for dramatics.
“He’s not here. Sirius.” James placed Harry who was now calm and sleepy again back into the bassinet.
“Oh.” Was all Regulus could say.
“Nobody is. Order Meeting.” James stated. “Though Harry here will not get to sleep so we figured it was best if I stayed.”
He must be the best father Regulus thought. If only he could be around to see it. His emotions and the surrealness of being here finally started to catch up to him as he felt tears start to sting in his eyes.
“James I’m so sorry!” He finally blurted out sounding defeated.
“For what?” James responded, shocked by his sudden outburst of apology.
“For everything.” He started. “I’m sorry for how things ended, I’m sorry for everything that's happened since. I’m sorry for not fucking fighting harder for us, for myself. God I’m so fucking sorry for everything that’s happening! But I’m especially sorry for ever hurting you.”
James still stood on the opposite side of the room, expression unchanged.
“So this is why you showed up here after all of these years?” he said flatly. “To stand here in my parents' sitting room and tell me you're fucking sorry?”
“No. Yes? I just-”
“No please Regulus tell me why. What makes you think that this is okay?”
“I know it's not okay.”
“Do you?” James’s tone was becoming more rough and biting, like it was the night it all fell apart. “Do you really know how much you hurt me?” Regulus swallowed hard, looking down at his feet. He couldn’t bear to hear it but he knew he was going to anyway. “Do you know how hard it was to move on? Alone? Without being able to tell my best fucking friend what was going on?” James’s breathing got heavier.
“I thought you were going to leave them Regulus. You told me you were going to leave. For him, for me. For us! But then you turn around and tell me that you are taking the mark? Becoming one of them? That was betrayal Reg.”
Reg. No one had called him that in years. James didn’t seem to process what he had said.
James moved to stand across from him again as he continued.
“After everything you had seen them do you joined them. They killed- they're still killing people! And now they're going to-” James voice catching in his throat is what finally made Regulus look back up at him.
James dropped to the sofa behind him holding his hands in front of his face as he tried to compose himself. He was crying. Regulus had never seen James cry before. He had always been the stoic one reassuring everybody else that things would be okay. Regulus hated seeing how this war, how his actions had taken the joy out of the man who once radiated it. James closed his eyes and inhaled sharply.
“They want Harry.” his voice shaking as he said it. “They want to… they want…” more tears fell.
He didn’t have to finish for Regulus to know exactly what he meant. They were after Harry. Rage filled him. He wanted to kill them all, “friends” and family alike. He prayed to the gods that he would succeed and that Voldemort would never get the chance to touch him.
“James I-”
“He’s my life Regulus. It’s him and Lily. There's nothing else.”
God how he wished ti still be a part of that. Of his life.
Silence surrounded them again as Regulus watched tears slowly fall from under James’s glasses. There was nothing he could say to make this better. To make it right.
James sniffed and let out a sad chuckle wiping the fallen tears away.
“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m even telling you this.” he whispered while standing in an effort to make himself look more put together than he had a moment ago.
“It’s alright.” Regulus replied. “I deserve to hear it. The first part, I mean.”
“It always was too easy to talk to you about the hard stuff.” James gave him a half smile, ringing his hands together. “Especially when it came to-”
“Sirius.” Regulus finished returning the same smile.
“Sirius.” James repeated.
“How-” Regulus paused for a moment. He wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to ask after his brother. But he knew he would regret not taking the only chance he may have. “How is he? Sirius?”
“He is good.” James replied without question. Seemingly grateful for the change in topic. “He’s stressed about the war obviously, we all are. He and Remus moved into their own place after school ended and are doing well. He’s been a great godfather to Harry.” Of course Sirius was Harry's godfather, he had always been so loyal and protective when it came to James.
Regulus imagined the life of his brother James spoke of. He envied it. He was grateful that Sirius got out of their parents' clutches, that he had been able to find companionship and love in Remus, and deep friendship and family in the Potters, that he had been able to find that kind of happiness.
“I’m sorry we never got to have that.” Regulus' breath was shaky. Now he was the one who was crying. “That kind of life.”
James crossed his arms tight against his chest. The look he gave back to Regulus was full of pity.
“I’m sorry that you never got to have that Regulus. I found it. Here. With Lily. With Harry.”
More tears fell from Regulus’s eyes as he hurriedly wiped them away, nodding.
“I’m glad you found her. That the two of you are happy.” It was true. Regulus really was glad that he was happy.
“Thank you.” James smiled softly as he played with the gold wedding band on his finger.
“She saved me, Regulus. After, you know… I tried to put on a positive front so the others wouldn’t be suspicious, but Lily knew something was wrong. She always had a way of knowing when I wasn’t okay. Still does. I didn’t even have to tell her what happened for her to pick me up and help me put myself back together again. I swear she’ll always be too good for me.”
“You never told her? Told Sirius?” Regulus was shocked. He was sure that James would have told them all of it. How awful he had been to him. Why things had ended, and how badly He was sure James would have cursed his name.
“No. I never told them.” James confirmed.
Regulus wondered if James would have ever spoken about him to others like he had just spoken about Lily if he had had the chance. With such fondness. If things had been better with his parents, with Sirius. If there wasn’t this stupid war. If he hadn’t forced him under the weight of keeping things a secret. He knew how much that part had hurt him.
“Do you remember the astronomy tower?” Regulus said suddenly.
“What?”
“The astronomy tower. How we would meet there.” James looked confused, but nodded slowly.
“There was one night early on. It was February and it was freezing. You brought me one of your jumpers because you knew that I would forget one of my own. I had gotten a particularly bad letter from home that day, a howler, and had been upset for hours. You didn’t ask questions, or pry, you just hugged me. That’s all. It was simple. And I knew that I was being unrealistic, and that it was probably dangerous, and things with Sirius would become even more complicated, but-”
James was still staring at him with wide eyes as Regulus rambled with tears still flowing down his face.
“I think that’s when I knew.” He finished quietly.
“Knew what?”
“That you were my life.” Regulus replied. “There would be nothing else.” They stood still. The weight of Regulus’s words hanging over them. James, again, broke the silence.
“After all of this time?”
“Until the very end.”
James had tears in his eyes again. “Reg-”
“God, I’m so sorry!” Regulus started to panic as if he had just committed a great offense. He closed his eyes tight as he continued “I had no right to come here, you didn't need this. It was selfish and you must hate me even more for this, I-”
Before he could finish he felt himself being pulled into a tight hug, James’s arms tight around his shoulders. When he finally processed what was happening he allowed himself to hug James back, tightening his arms around his waist.
“I don’t hate you.” James said softly into Regulus’s shoulder. “I’m glad you made it out.” New tears started to fall from Regulus’s eyes and likely onto James’s t-shirt. They stood there and for a brief moment it felt like they were teenagers on the astronomy tower again. When they were worried about simpler things and they could afford to take risks.
When Regulus felt James shift he took that as his cue to let go.
“I mean it.” James reiterated. “All of it.”
“James I know that nothing will ever make up for what I did, what I… what I have done, but I promise that I will be trying to put a stop to all of this until my last breath.” He was getting more worked up as he lamented this to James, years of pain and anger lying beneath the surface.
“I believe you.” James said, arms crossed again. “You were always very determined. Especially when you were angry.”
“I thought you always liked me when I was angry?” Regulus said mockingly. Both of them chuckled, allowing themselves to live in memories for a moment.
“I did.”
The air around them started to feel thick again, the circumstances of present day returning.
“I’m glad you came, Reg.” James smiled softly. “It's good to know that you are okay.”
“It's good to know you are okay too. That you all are.” Just then Harry’s cry sounded from the bassinet once again. James turned and quickly made his way over, scooping up the baby, beginning to rock and shush him as Regulus had watched him do before.
“He truly is beautiful, James.” Regulus reiterated. “If he’s anything like his father and mother he’s going to do great things.” James smiled at the complement, still bouncing the little boy in his arms.
Suddenly loud chatter came from outside, the front door. People making their way to the front step.
“Shit the others,” James said quickly. “God it’s midnight already. Regulus I-”
“It's okay, I’ll apparate out.” He took out his wand just in case and began to take a step away from James. The chatter was closer now.
“Reg wait! It really was good to see you.” James said quickly. “Be careful.”
“It was good to see you too.”
The small group had now reached the front door.
Regulus took a step back towards James, eyes watering again, and gently placed his hand on his cheek.
“I love you Jamie.”
The front door had now opened but Regulus was gone. Gone just as quickly as he was the first time.
“I love you too.”
“Prongs! We’re back!” Sirius came barreling down the hallway and into the living room just as he had said it. Making his way past him to flop down backwards on the sofa.
“Who were you talking to?”
“Oh.” James was still staring at the spot Regulus had been standing. “No one. Just Harry.”
“Could you be any louder pads? Harry could be sleeping.” Remus scolded his boyfriend as he entered, shooing his feet off of the sofa so he could also sit. Lily followed not far behind.
“He’s not! Look at him, he's awake and alert.” Sirius exclaimed. Harry was calm now in James’s arms but had his eyes open watching the excitement of people entering the room. Lily finally made her way over to him paying notice to Harry first.
“Of course he is, he’s restless just like his father.” she giggled at her son tracing her finger gently down the bridge of his nose a few times. When she looked up to meet her husband's eyes her expression changed to concern.
“Are you alright my love?” James blinked hard, shaking his head. He didn't realize how shaken and out of it he must have looked. But Lily knew. She always knew.
“Yeah.” James reassured his wife. “I’m fine. Just tired.” he could tell by the way Lily held his gaze that she didn't believe him, but she wasn’t going to pry.
“Well, you’ve been up with Harry all night. Here,” She removed Harry from his arms without causing a scene for the others. “I’ll take care of him, you go up and get some sleep.”
“But-” He began to protest but she immediately shut him down.
“No buts.” She smiled gently. “Go. Take care of yourself.” She always knew exactly how to pull him back to earth. She always, somehow, knew exactly what he needed. He looked at her holding their son, running her fingers along his rosy cheek. His whole life.
He stepped forward and kissed her. In it was as much gratitude as he could muster for her and their little family.
“I love you.” He said holding each side of her face. “I’m very glad to have you.” Lily smiled at him and giggled.
“I love you too, you big sap. Now go. Off to bed.”
James made his way upstairs leaving the chatter of his wife and friends behind him. However instead of continuing down the long hallway to the room that was once his parents, he stopped outside the door that had his name fastened to it on a little gold plaque.
He slowly pushed the door open. The room looked exactly the same as it did when he was a teenager. His mother never brought herself to clean it after he and Lily moved into their own house. She had done the same with Sirius’s room. Quidditch posters, photos of friends, and Gryffindor flags were still plastered on the walls. There was his old quidditch set in the corner, and some old school books and trinkets that had been collected over the years sitting along the dresser.
He bent down to look under the bed retrieving his old school trunk. Dusty from being placed in storage and beaten up from seven straight years of use. He opened the trunk and moved some old sets of robes aside before finally pulling out a quidditch sweater. Worn from the use it received in its prime, and slightly smaller than he was now. He played with the cuffs for a few moments before he found the all too familiar “R.A.B” stitched into one of the green and silver sleeves.
He pulled the sweater close and sat down on the edge of the bed and began to cry again. For something he tried to do seldomly he certainly cried many times tonight. But what he was crying for now he didn’t know exactly. It’s not that he still hoped for a future with Regulus. He was well beyond that now and was incredibly content and happy where he was. Truly happy. Maybe it was all the years of not speaking about it catching up to him. Or that he finally had gotten the chance to say things that he wished he had then, and he still didn’t get to say everything he wanted. Maybe it was a sort of grieving. Or maybe it was just the shock of seeing him again after he never thought he would.
He supposed he was also crying out some kind of joy and relief. Regulus was okay. After all of these years he had finally gotten away from the people who had hurt him the most. He had always wondered what had happened to him, how like them he became or if he was still anything at all like the boy he knew. But now he had an answer.
Though it was messy and complicated and it hurt, James had loved him. He still did, but in different ways. After all, your great first loves never truly leave you. Or at least he thought Regulus had read him something like that once from one of his muggle books full of poetry.
July 13th 1981
“Come on sweetheart you have to eat something!” Lily exclaimed. She was attempting to feed Harry who was much more interested in throwing the food on the floor to the cat from his high chair.
“I bet he just doesn’t like your cooking Prongs.” Sirius said from across the dining room table, his own plate of pancakes over half eaten.
“Yeah well you don’t seem to mind it.” James retorted while beginning to tidy the kitchen from their breakfast. Remus chuckled from his spot beside Sirius.
“It’s not like you can do much better now, can you love?” Remus continued to laugh, James joining him. Sirius was about to protest when an owl arrived at the open window in the kitchen holding The Daily Prophet. He jumped up from his seat, and gave the bird a sickle, sending it on his way before beginning to read without leaving the far side of the kitchen.
The air in the room stiffened slightly. The Prophet was never a cheerful sight anymore. Horrible news of the latest attacks now routinely adorned the front page, and inside the death tolls. They were always holding their breath hoping to not see a name they recognized.
“Oh my god.” Sirius said in shock. The other three froze looking at him.
“What is it Sirius?” Lily said carefully. James could hear the worry in her voice. She always tried to hide it, but James had also learned to know her.
“It’s- it’s my brother.” Regulus? James felt his heartbeat pick up in chest. “He’s dead.”
James froze. No. He couldn’t be. He had just seen him 3 months ago. He had showed up here on his doorstep, saying he wanted to see him before- oh. Regulus had known. James would never know what he could have possibly been planning but why did it sting to know he came to him knowing he would soon die?
Remus moved first after seeing Sirius’s eyes start to glass over. Knowing that this would still be difficult for him. He left the table and made his way over to where he stood while Lily followed but stopped by the kitchen island .
“Oh love I’m so sorry.”
“I'm fine. I’ll be fine. I mean, we haven’t talked in years, I just- I hope he made it out. He deserved to make it out.”
Remus hugged him and the room was silent. James thought his breathing must sound excruciatingly loud.
“Let’s go home, yeah?” Remus looked at Sirius who just nodded. “Thanks for breakfast, maybe we’ll turn around again later. I’ll send an owl.”
“Take care, both of you.” Lily said to them as Remus led a solemn Sirius out of the kitchen and to the front door.
“Are you okay my love?”
Lily was looking at him in concern as he leaned on the countertop with his hands still frozen. Had he moved at all? He somehow managed to snap himself out of it nodding his head and standing upright again.
“Yeah of course. Fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” He tried to reassure her but he knew she would not believe him.
“James. I know you, this is not how you behave when you are fine.”
James leaned backwards against the counter pulling his arms across his chest and closing his eyes tightly.
“It’s okay to be upset.” She consoled “I know you knew him before things got bad and I know you must feel terribly for Sirius.”
James exhaled.
“Yeah.” He breathed “I knew him.”