The announcement.
Lily’s POV
Shit.
Lily, had always been smart she was well aware of this fact, she was hot headed and stubborn with a fiery temper that, when pushed that could be unpredictable.
But that’s what made her predictable, it’s what made her trustworthy. It’s why before the Marauders even blew up, Sirius and James had sat her down and asked her to rep them. Back then, she had absolutely no clue how it would go, but she trusted James and Sirius with everything, they were her brothers, and although at the time, she wasn't initially planning on stopping her journey to becoming a lawyer, it was only because she couldn’t have imagined that she would find her dream job in being a band manager, and now knowing what she knew, she was so glad she hadn’t turned the opportunity down.
So she became their manager, and it was amazing.
Lily always knew she would like work, the organization, earning your place, she wanted that.
However, she didn’t realize quite how much she could love to work until they day Marauders had released their number one single, the one that had put their name on the map. It had all been a rush ever since, she was taking meetings with potential labels, trying to get them the best representation she could. And Lily loved every second of it.
However, she was their friend first and foremost, and she was terrified of holding them back, after all, law school doesn't exactly prepare you for band management.
So, when it became evident they needed to start touring, she suggested stepping back, letting them find a fully trained manager, properly equipped for the job. But they were adamant to keep her. They had – in no uncertain terms- told her she was a part of the band that they couldn’t afford to lose, that they refused to go without.
So yes, it was the best job she could ever have. It was professional, and hard and rewarding. But it was also fun, because she was working for ( with, they always reminded her she was working with) her friends, and so every event, every publicity paper, she was in, or they refused to do it. Full stop. It wasn’t practical but they refused to go about it any other way.
And it wasn’t just that, the boys, her boys she liked to call them, had been a mess of childlike insanity and immaturity their whole lives, it was all she ever knew them for, and although nothing would have made her turn them down, she was worried it would all come down to her.
But they were passionate about their music, and although they left her to make most decisions without their input saying, We have no fucking clue what’s going on half the time, the only thing we’re sure of is you. They still listened to her advice, almost eagerly, they toned down public stunts when asked, and acted mature when necessary, they entirely followed her guidance and she appreciated that.
However, even with all these amazing perks of the best job she has will ever have, the job she will never turn away from, that doesn’t change the bad days.
And this had the potential to be one of the worst days.
Which brings her back to her original train of thought…
Shit.
Lily remained paused outside of the big white door at the end of the hallway, her hand hovering over the glassy black handle for a second, only a second, before rallying her courage.
This was going to be an awkward conversation, one she didn’t want to have. But despite the power Marauders had given her, she couldn’t own their label, she didn’t have the money to buy them, so she still – begrudgingly- had to bow down to some demands, even when they were especially stupid.
She just hoped this decision, could miraculously, turn out well.
So, she opened the door, and was immediately met with shouting.
Her first thought was, of course, pure appreciation for the fact that the doors are soundproof.
There are executives and meetings going on down the hall, and despite how much they reign in their stupid antics, she cant help but to be grateful that every door in this office seemed to be magically soundproofed after the Marauders were welcomed into the label, it saves for a lot of awkward conversation.
“Lily!”
At the sound of someone calling her name, she immediately whips her head around, and is graced with her eyes locking onto a pair of startling blue ones that was already looking striaght back.
Pandora, with her long platinum blonde hair, that seems to gently cascade down to the middle of her back, falling beautifully in some sort of a mixture between curls and waves.
As Lily took her in she saw that today the other girl had woven in two plaits on one side of her head, one with daisies mixed in and the other with holly leaves. She wore a one strap bright blue top on with flared white pants that had little stars embroidered down one pant leg with metallic silver thread, that she knew Pandora had added herself. The whole look is just so chaotically ‘Pandora’ that Lily cant help but smile.
“Pandora, how are you?”
As Lily began to walk forward to greet her friend properly, she found herself getting cut off by a body stepping out in frount of her, looming over her as they straighten their posture. She rolled her eyes up towards him.
Honestly the dramatics on this man.
Sirius, with his faded queen band t-shirt wrapped tight to his body, the letters peeling slightly from too much use, was stood staring down at her a scowl fixed on his face.H
is mouth slowly opening, a complaint clear and ready to fall from his mouth before Lily matches his expression, scowl for scowl and his mouth zips quickly closed. Any protests dying on his tongue.
To make a point, Lily continued to walk across the room, without sidestepping for Sirius, making it so that had to move out of her way, until she came across Pandora and embraced her in a quick hug.
Because, despite her need to make a point, she really does want to move on with the meeting, she is already anxious enough as it is and the seven eyes staring imploringly at her are making it all much worse.
“Right,” Lily began, attempting to clear her thoughts as she tried to gather the attention she is already painstakingly aware she has, “ I am sure you’re all wondering why you’re here.”
Several people around the room nod as she takes them in looking at each of them one by one.
Pandora had now perched on top of Lilys’ desk after separating from the hug with her legs folded beneath, pixie like.
She was sat almost side by side to her brother Evan who was leaning against the other half of the desk to Pandoras side, his white hair just as clear as striking as Pandoras but the rest of his look lacked the ethereal feel his twin carried, wearing only black denim trousers and a marron button up that was done up half the way up his chest.
Peter stood next in the semi circle the group has formed, leaning slightly against Evan, his hand resting firmly on the other boys thigh as if to centre himself as his eyes continued darting nervously to the side, which – Lily couldn’t help but think- is a slight testament to how hostile the room must have been before Lily entered.
Peter doesn’t tend to get nervous anymore after all, it’s a habit he seemed to have grown out of after spending so many years around James and Sirius and coming into his own, Lily usually can’t help but smile, just remembering the younger boy and being so happy they had grown to a point that they were all with people they could be themselves with. But with his current demeanour, he is clearly retreating slightly to his nervous self and Lily can’t help but think if that is the case, she doesn’t even want to know why…
She follows his gaze to the side slightly, and it falls across the two boys.
James was stood mostly next to Peter but his hand was gripped loosely on Sirius’ wrist as if Lilys’ entrance had distracted him from his previous goal of restraining Sirius who had since returned to glancing back and forth between Remus and Regulus, his darting eyes matching Peters with a sense of nervousness, even though his view of Regulus seems to be slightly obscured by Barty who seems to be acting like a human barricade between the two brothers.
And shit, Lily was right to be worried, she does not want to know what was going on before she entered, nosy as she is, it is likely to only make her anxiety spike, and she still hasn’t gotten to telling everyone gathered around why exactly she gathered them.
“Yeah, yeah I am, what is this Lily, what are you trying to spring on me?”
Sirius asks regaining his earlier look of annoyance, but Lily can see the fear and desperation under his eyes, and honestly she expected it, so again, she makes to try get this over with as soon as possible.
But before she can start to speak Regulus cuts her off,
“Oh yeah cause it’s all about you?” he glared towards what he was able to see of Sirius through Bartys continuously body guard-ish form.
And yes, Lily should have seen this coming, and maybe she should have gotten the two bands to meet in separate rooms, and maybe this was a mistake.
And maybe, Lily had a sister once, and she should’ve known better about the two brothers, they were her friends after all.
“I’m not saying it’s all about me, but everyone in this room gets along, except me and Remus, and for some reason me and you which you still haven’t told me why, so excuse me if it feels a bit targeted.”
“Of course it feels a bit targeted, but look at the common problem here, you, maybe if you stopped being a self absorbed -“
“Enough!” this time it is Peter who cuts in, “Before you two continue going at each other’s throats, maybe lets listen to what Lily has to say. And no Sirius,” Peter cuts in again swiftly almost pre-emptively knowing Sirius would try to speak before the other boy even gets a chance to open his mouth, “I will not be taking your side in this, because I have been in this room for half an hour listening to you two whine like children, and Regulus only started because you wouldn’t stop badgering him. So please, just everyone shut up.”
At that Sirius shrinks slightly back into himself as Peter sends Lily a slight apologetic glance for taking over her meeting, but Lily returns it with a smile.
Although she usually does not like being taken over at work, she also hates getting in between the Black brothers, so she will never begrudge Peter form saving her from having to do so, after all Regulus is one of her best friends and Sirius is like her brother, it’s not like she could pick between them in any fight, she didn’t last time after all.
She has a bond with both of them, and it is straining at times, but she continues to maintain it by avoiding picking sides like the rest of her friends. She could never pick a more important bond, especially when she grew a bond with them both for the same reasons.
She met Sirius first, as they were in the same year at school, and he went from being slightly quiet and shy to incredibly arrogant and loud within the first month.
She remember his birthdays, were he would dance across tables singing to Abba and pranks that often blew up in his face but he seemed to enjoy anyway, and all she could see was that he was a wrecking ball, and Lily wanted to avoid him at all costs to avoid getting knocked out.
However, that had all changed when she had found him crying over a letter from his brother a month before Christmas in their first year. He had had to leave Reggie at home with their parents for the first time and he was struggling. Regulus had apparently grown distant, and he was worried for him.
Lily later came to learn that this was due to their parents, but at the time she had related to Sirius, as another sibling who had lost their sister because of a school she couldn’t help but let a bond grow between the two of them. They became their own kind of siblings, and eventually Sirius convinced Lily to let James into the fold. And they had stuck together ever since.
But then she had met Regulus. By the time he got to the school, her and Sirius were tight knit, so of course he had immediately introduced her to his baby brother who was unknowingly the cause of their entire friendship in the first place.
She wasn’t too close to the younger boy at first, but eventually he had come out of his shell and Sirius had introduced him around the rest of the friend group and the two brothers friends had merged. Forming one giant group.
Of course Remus and Lily had immediately gotten close to him once he was fully in the group, adopting their new friend – as Reggie hated to call it- bonding over books and music and their stubborn streak, which Regulus was too stubborn to admit he even had.
This all made for a great trio, combined with their their joint passion for annoying Sirius to no end, they were fast friends. And the attacking Sirius was just payback after all.
But Lilys’ personal bond with him had really started by a joint younger sibling understanding. Although they had different problems with their older siblings, they both knew what it was like to put so much faith in a sibling only to have it ripped away, leaving one to learn their own sense of independence.
And it wasn’t so much the need for independence given to them by the loss of their siblings that they hated, after all they were both very capable of bring independent, most likely the most capable of it in their big group.
It was more about the rug being pulled under their feet. Their safety net being ripped away.
They knew they would have to gain independence one day, they both wanted to and planned to, but they felt safe with their siblings, their siblings who had deluded them into thinking they could pick when it was time to do things themselves.
And it had hurt them both when they had found out it was a lie.
When they found out they didn't get to pick the day they had to make it on their own, instead it as thrust on them.
Never a choice.
Her sister hadn’t gotten into the school with her, and used it as a trigger to terminate their sisterhood. And Sirius, against what he wanted, had had to leave Regulus at home at first. It had all hurt.
So yeah, Lily doesn’t like to get involved. She refuses to choose a side. She didn’t when the friend group split up as a result of Sirius and Remus’ break up, and she won’t now.
The break up had shook the group, and although everyone still gets along with everyone, the tension between Remus and Sirius had none the less resulted in sides, sides no one wanted, but sides everyone chose.
It wasn’t so much that people had turned against whoever they had disagreed with, she didn’t think that could ever really happen between their friends anyway, it was more that the couple had needed time apart, and the group seemed to divide so that neither one was left feeling alone.
None of them really abandoned the person they hadn’t sided with, after all James would still be there for Remus and Regulus would still be there for Sirius ( if it was really needed). But the casual meet ups, general life and the bands, everyone had a side. Everyone except Lily.
After all she couldn’t have a side.
They had broken up within a month of both bands blowing up. Leaving a group of 20/21 Yr olds to deal with both new found fame and a group divide in one fell swoop.
After all it wasn't just the Maruaders that blew up, it was the Skittles too. The Marauders famr had acted as a catalyst for Skittles music, and before she knew it the other band was asking to sign her on as a manger as well. She had no abililtty in her heart to turn down Regulus and Remus, so once she got the go ahead from the Marauders that they didn’t mind her signing with a second band, she was all in.
She was both bands mangers, she couldn’t have a side personally or professionally, so she didn’t.
But since that second contract signing, it had been a whirlwind.
It still is.
And that’s where she is, two months after both her bands blew up, the night before their first tours..
And she has a bomb to drop, and she accepted this job, even if it felt like she was almost tricked into it at the time.
So slowly, Lily looks around the group once more and announces.
“You are going on a joint tour.”
Regulus Pov
And what…..
A joint tour? What does that even mean?
He knew they would be touring the same cities, most likely in the same jet if their label was thinking about costs at all, but the way Lily was talking and looking at the group,
Fear,
Worry,
Apprehension.
He knew she had meant something more than just they were touring alongside each other.
And Remus clearly knew too, his eyes had grown wide, and his face had contorted into anger before he was walking out of the office and slamming the door behind him.
And Regulus wanted to go after him, he saw the flicker of fear in the other boys eyes as he had stormed out and he wanted to go check on him, see if he was OK, but he needed to know what was going on with this tour, after all how was he meant to comfort his friend if he didn't know anything about the thing he was comforting him on.
So Regulus stayed and turned to Lily to ask- just what on earth she had meant. But before he could open his mouth Pandoras voice was filtering through the room, speaking softly, eyes fully trained on Lily.
“What do you mean Lils?”
And as Regulus turned his head to look back towards the red head, he saw her visibly relax at Pandoras tone, and although he knew she was still looking around the room, just trying to maintain some semblance of control, he could tell she was worried, worried about Remus, worried about all of them.
And as much as he wanted to be there for her, he himself was getting slightly worked up by the unclear implications of this meeting, so he decided to let Pandora take the lead on the questions, if for anything just to keep Lily calm.
“I mean, the record label is obviously in love with Sirius’ song,” she started, and Regulus knew, Regulus knew everyone knew what song she was on about.
The one that had blown up and put the Marauders on the map. And consequentially put the Skittles on the map. Regulus wasn’t happy that he got a launch in his career because of his brother, and neither was Remus, but Barty and Pandora didn’t seem to mind and they couldn’t change it now.
After all the song was about Regulus and Sirius’ upbringing, people had gotten hooked not just on the song, but on their story, they wanted more, and when they learnt that Sirius’ little brother was in a band, they wanted him too.
“And part of the reason Sirius’ song blew up,” Lily continued, “was because of the story behind it. It made publicity easy, the band was getting recognition without any effort from the labels, simply because people wanted to know more,” at this Lily glanced apologetically over at Sirius and Regulus, but they both shrugged her off, he knew Sirius would never blame Lily, and neither would he, it was a sucky way to make a mark for themselves, almost as if their parents still held some power over their lives, but it was fame, and it was the way they had gotten their names known, and it was too late now. And it wasn’t Lilys’ fault.
“Anyway,” the red head continued, “they want to increase the publicity, have you doing joint shows, touring alongside each other, they view the music you guys write as a story that can be sold. The public are aware of Sirius and Regulus’ upbringing, they’re suspicious on the Sirius and Remus front, and they’ve already started to suspect other relationships going on in the band,” at this she deliberately cast a look towards Peter and Evan before, almost subconsciously, casting a quick sideways glance towards Regulus.
“So they want us to tour together?”
James spoke up for the first time since Lily entered the room, his eyes so far had been trained between Sirius and Lily as if clinging to the information whilst trying to remain in control of his friend. But at this question, his eyes darted to Regulus to hold his gaze for a moment a questioning look in his eye.
Regulus wanted to squirm under the pressure of the other boys gaze. He hadn’t spoken to James one on one in three months, not since Remus and Sirius had broken up and their relationship had somehow crumbled alongside it.
James and him had had, a thing…
Regulus didn’t know what else to call it, they had hooked up a few times and had always been friends. But when Regulus suggested talking to his brother about them James had gotten squeamish, and they ended up arguing over it a few times before Remus and Sirius broke up.
After that they had both took to comforting their respective friends, and they had drifted apart.
Needless to say the whole thing had crushed Regulus. He was in love with James Potter, and he thought James could have felt the same for him.
A stupid thought really. Regulus knew he was a bad person, never good enough for James, never enough. But James never made him feel like that.
Whenever the other boy looked at him, when soft Hazel eyes met his, bore into his soul, saw him fully and wholly and didn't recoil.
Well, it made Regulus forget who he was. It made him loose all feelings of inferiority. Left him dumbly thinking he could be enough for James.
But he wasnt, never would be.
The other boy was so terrified that Sirius wouldn’t support their relationship and that they would fall apart, that the second Remus and Sirius broke up they both used their respective friends as an excuse to avoid each other until they ended up drifting apart anyway.
Regulus hadn’t spoken to James since, and he had hardly spoken to his brother either out of fear of the two boys being together all the time.
As a result he had no clue how the Sirius had felt about the split with Remus, and had made the group dynamic even worse by making it so that two people were against his brother.
Admittedly he felt bad at the distance he had pit between himself and his brother, but he couldn’t trust himself not to spill the whole thing to him about James the second he saw him.
Couldn't trust himself not to yell at him on Remus’ behalf or cry to him about the songs he had written about their family, and how Regulus had once feared he would never get away from them.
So Regulus has been avoiding them both like the plague, if he ever thought about talking to one, they were likely to be joined at the hip to the other, so he shoved his feelings down, and had been doing a pretty good job the past few months.
But now James was staring at him, and his eyes were confused, maybe even hurt?
Some twisted part of Regulus wanted him to hurt, just to know it hadn’t meant more to him than it had to James.
But the longer he stared at the boy, the more he felt his own eyes begin to darken, and he could tell they would be back in bed together soon, as he watched James’ eyes follow suit.
So they would fall together again.
And his heart would break again.
And he’d mope around with Remus again, while he complained about his brother and his life would go back to shit.
So much for fame.
But Regulus blinked, tor his eyes away from James and focused back on Lily as she had started talking again so Regulus tried to listen back in as she continued to explain to them what would happen in the tour.
“We’ll go to all the cities and places as originally planned, but the shows will be slightly longer and each band will play a few less songs. They also want a new album, from each of you.”
At that James, Sirius and Regulus all let out a simultaneous groan, a groan that Regulus is sure Remus would have partaken in if he was still in the room.
They were the four writers of their respective bands, meaning they were responsible for new music, and they had only just released their first albums a month ago.
“They want a teaser throughout the tour,” Lily continued, “Tgey want to sell it as a tour of communications. They want each show to start with Sirius’ song, as the most renowned one between both bands, and each show to end with one new song from each band that you will take turns writing between each show. The idea is to promote the new album, as a conversation between your two bands at each show. The audience will know how you’re all feeling on tour, and get a slight insight into your relationships as they happen.”
It all felt very invasive to Regulus. It was something his brother already seemed to be doing, with most of his writing being about their childhood if not Remus, he thinks his brother finds it therapeutic almost, he was always one to yell his emotions, and now he can do it front of thousands.
But Regulus just felt dread.
He and James’ songs for the first album had been all about each other, the bands had blown up so soon after both break-ups within the band that they didn’t have time to write any new songs, meaning that all the songs both boys had written on the first album appeared to be about each other.
And although he was happy almost, to be close to James again, he couldn’t help but wonder, what would happen when the new songs that they were writing and performing on tour, all continued to be about James.
He didn’t know how to write about anything else. Well other than his family, and both felt incredibly invasive.
What if James didn’t care about him anymore? What if James wrote a bunch of songs that had absolutely nothing to do with him? What if they didn’t fall back into bed together because James had someone else to write songs about?
What if he had to listen to James falling in love with someone else every other show?
After all, he knew the other boy couldn’t keep emotions out of his music.
That may just about kill him.
Either way, James would be writing new songs on tour, and Regulus would have no choice but to listen, as he either chooses to sing about this new love or about whatever sex he ends up having with Regulus in such a way that will make it clear to Regulus that he continues to view their relationship as fun, a fling, and nothing more.
His head was a mess but he needed to focus.
Because once he got past all his worry about James, all his conscious worry anyway, because James was always lingering in the back of his head in a constant state of worry. Regulus’ mind fell to Remus.
Remus who had been writing about Regulus’ brother.
Remus who wasn’t over the fight.
The Remus who had walked out of the room in anger leaving Regulus to be the one to find him and break the exact news of a joint tour and what it entailed.
A tour were Remus would have to sing the songs he had written/ will write about Sirius whilst Sirius stands in the wings and watches.
This was going to be a long tour.
And he needed to find Remus, before either of them spiralled.
*******
When he finally found Remus his friend was sat on the roof of the building his legs dangling over the side with a cigarette dangling precariously between his fingers with two cigarette buts sat next to his side.
He chain-smokes when he’s upset, Regulus knows this, he’s used to this, but he can’t help but be worried that there is going to be a lot more of it over the next 2 months of tour.
“Hey,” Regulus slowly walked over towards him so as not to spook him into dropping either himself or the cigarette over the edge of the building.
Remus looked back at him walking over before returning his gaze to overlooking the city, it was early morning, sunrise, Lily had asked them to meet her at the office early, which now made sense, she wanted to give them time to process the news before getting on their joint flight that night.
Ugh, it was going to be a nightmare.
He followed Remus’ gaze out towards the sunrise and took it in for a moment before looking down at his feet just shy of the edge of the roof.
There was no barricade up here, it should be considered a safety risk, but Regulus knew they weren’t really meant to be up here so, to be fair, they’re the safety risk.
He continued to look down at the early morning commuters and travellers down below his feet, the occasional car going past for the really early workers and just took in a breath.
“Can you sit down please?”
Regulus looked down to make eye contact with the other boy, hearing a hint of desperation in his tone.
“Why,” Regulus looked at him before smirking and lifting up one foot, “scared I’ll fall?”
Remus took in a sharp intake of breathe but made no move to pull him back as Regulus balanced on the edge, they’d been through this exact thing before and Remus had freaked out trying to grab onto Regulus to stop him from falling which had very nearly made him fall. So now Remus just stresses whilst Regulus gets a quick 5 seconds of fun, by teasing Remus of his potential demise.
“Just please, sit down.” Remus was doing a great job at controlling his fear, but Regulus knew his best friend, could see the anxiety spiking so he sat down slowly, having had his fun, and dangled his legs next to the other boys before kicking his leg out and to the side slightly to made contact with Remus’ calf.
It was the main form of affection Regulus would show, nothing too touchy feely, but a little tap here and there, or a kick. Contact was his form of affection, if it was aggressive that just wasn’t his problem. But he never hurt anyone,
Except Sirius.
“So,” Regulus began, a cool tone as always but this time hiding his worry for the other boy, “you kind of ran out back there, want me to tell you what Lily said?”
At this Remus stuck his face in his hands. “I didn’t mean to upset her? She’s probably so stressed out, and she’s working so hard for us, and I walked out, all because your stupid brother-“
Remus cut himself off, “Sorry.”
Regulus let a slight grimace slip onto his face for a second before replying. Their relationship had been a little bit rocky the past three months since Remus and his brother had broken up. But he needed to ensure his friend that nothing has changed between them, he can rant all he wants about Sirius as long as they stay friends.
“Look,” Regulus began, he had never been overly great at the whole comforting thing so he continued to stare out at the city as he continued to talk.
“I know my brother can completely suck, and I’m on your side no matter what happened, I’ve been on your side the last three months. But if I’m being honest, I don’t think he would ever try to hurt you.”
When Remus didn’t say anything he continued,
“And I don’t know what he did so I cant help.”
At this Regulus turned to look at Remus needing the other boy to understand, to believe what he was saying.
The break up had caused a rift in the group, and although he would never push either of them back into a relationship for the sake of everyone else, he cant help but look at Remus, just look at Remus and know his brother, and think of just how likely it is that this all might have been a big misunderstanding.
He knew Sirius had never dealt well with his emotions, he lashes out, never learnt safe anger, therapeutic anger. He only learned hostility with his words, lashing out like a whip, cutting people with the words that fell from his tongue, but never his hands.
No, he refused to be like his parents that much, but he had never been able to prevent lashing out.
It was self- preservation, Regulus knew, he did the same, except he would shut down. He hardly ever lashed out, and if he did it was only when he was pushed to the very edge, it was only when Sirius pushed him, because he could only ever lash out when he trusted the person he lashed out at.
He wasn’t like Sirius, lashing out didn’t feel like a offence, it felt like a defence, something that yelled out to the world that Regulus felt vulnerable, and he didn’t like feeling vulnerable. But still, he never hit.
Both brothers had left that to their mother.
Remus was different though, Regulus knew, he (like Remus) didn’t have the best self- esteem, had only ever viewed himself in a bad light. He would think of something, anything, a good characteristic of his, something he could call himself, and was immediately bombarded with ideas of lies, of memories of a singular time he hadn’t been good, a time that he had done something stupid. And he would think it was all pointless, that he was pointless.
And he could see that in his friend. His friend who lashed out and shut down at the same time. He was almost a combination of the brothers, he had a hot temper he had never seemed to learn to keep under wraps, that almost helped him to shut down.
He could destroy you with his tongue, tear you to shreds. Make you regret ever talking to him in the first place. But his lashing out never revealed anything but anger, and the sadness he held was never shown, was never held up to the light in order for him to be pitied.
He made you think you were seeing what was wrong, he made you think you understood him. And it was all a ruse. Intentional or not, it was a ruse to get people to back down, back away, without ever learning how much they had truly hurt him.
But Regulus, being who he was, and having grown up with many a quick temper, that weren’t just angry but aggressive. He knew Remus’ mind. And Regulus never liked to push, but he also couldn’t leave and let the other boy cave in on himself.
Regulus liked to dangle of ledges, or swim below the surface until his lungs were aching. He liked to cut himself off, show no emotion, be a blank and stoic face. The pinnacle of proper.
Remus liked to lash out, to look dangerous. He liked to make people back away out of fear. He liked to cut himself off as much as Regulus does, but he likes to make it look like the other persons choice.
And Regulus feared, he had feared for months that that’s what he had done to Sirius.
He couldn’t see his brother hurting this boy intentionally.
He could however, see crystal clear In his mind. Two boys lashing out at each other, tempers evenly matched. As one broke down and the other refused to be vulnerable. They matched each other perfectly, when it was good…
And when it was bad…
“Look,” Regulus continued once more, deciding to be blunt it was his default, “we are going on a joint tour, we will be doing joint shows, and Lily has just told us we have to write a new song for every show. Feelings are going to come out, they always do with you two when its music. And the songs are going to be fresh and they’re going to be raw. Maybe listen to the songs, and don’t let it all blow up in our faces?”
Remus’ eyes grew, “They want more songs?”
“Yes,” Regulus replied simply, “ and,” he smirked “I’ve just decided I’m taking the day off, We’re leaving tonight the first show is the day after next, you can handle the first song. That way we’ll know from the beginning if this tour is set up for disaster. Good luck. “
At that Regulus finally walked away leaving the older boy behind. They would figure it out, if there was one thing he knew about Remus and his brother, they were both stubborn, that could work for or against them, he hoped for.
The universe owed Sirius some good faith.
And now, at least, Regulus had some time before he had to write a song for James, because if he was being honest, being surrounded by that boy for 2 months, all his songs were going to be about James.
Fuck, this tour was going to be long…
James’ Pov
Sirius was shaking, with anger or what James didn’t know. But he was worried, this tour was going to break or repair their already fragile friend group and James was determined to use these two months together to repair all the bonds he can.
No, not all the ones he can, all of them. He will repair all the bonds.
James had always loved his friends, he always walked around feeling this sense of responsibility on his shoulders, a responsibility to keep everything functional and together.
And when the group split up he felt as though he failed. This guilt had been crushing him ever since.
Why hadn’t he seen this coming? Sirius and Remus had had a great relationship, but he could see them being on edge, saw Sirius start to close in on himself like he was back in that house…
And he had done nothing, well that was a lie, he had talked to Sirius, confronted him – kindly- but it did nothing, he was simply written of.
But he could have tried harder, if he wasn’t distracted.
Distracted by his own relationship, his relationship with Regulus. Ex- relationship, its over now.
That was James’ fault too. Honestly, if Lily hadn’t just given a chance to fix all his faults and all the problems, he is convinced he would’ve caved in on himself by now.
Guilt and responsibility had always loomed over James. His parents were loving and kind, and he had no siblings to compete with, so most people assumed he had had a perfectly content and happy life. And he had in all objectively measurable ways.
But his mind, it was a minefield.
It was constantly overwhelming him with thoughts of not being good enough, not being careful enough.
He was in a constant state of panic that he shoved down, hid with his larger than life personality and mannerisms whilst he quietly broke down behind closed doors.
His brother by everything but blood, his best friends and his- and Regulus, had always been through so much. He wanted to protect them from everything he could. He wanted to take all their hurt and pile it on himself until he drowned just so they would be light enough to float.
But he couldn’t, and he let Sirius and Remus fall apart, he let the friend group fall apart, and in his effort to keep Sirius pieced together he let Regulus fall away before they could ever end the fight they were having.
So he missed the group. But mostly he missed Regulus, and he would do anything to get him back.
After all Regulus was, special, he was perfect. He was closed off but he opened up when he was with James, he hated touch, but when he was with James he would cling. He was quiet but with James he was loud.
He was a contradiction to his entire self with James. Like he found the person he could just be with. And it made James feel brilliant, that he could be that person for him. He made James feel useful.
But it wasn’t just that, James knew, if he was only with Regulus because he felt useful it wouldn’t be- love.
But it was love, because when he was with Regulus everything in him lit up. He was home, he always thought he had found home, with his parents, with Sirius and Lily, with his band. But then he found Regulus.
Truly found Regulus, he found the boy behind the mask, the boys who’s laugher sounded like angels, the boy who made James feel whole.
Because it wasn’t just Regulus who felt different with James.
James could be quiet with Regulus, he could appreciate the silences, he didn’t feel an overwhelming need to fill the air around them. He wasn’t self-conscious about their conversation.
With Regulus, he lost all his inhibitions, he was himself.
With James, Regulus lost all his inhibitions, he was himself.
They were home, when they were together they were home.
And James lost that, lost it because he was scared to tell Sirius.
Lost it because he didn’t reach out when they drifted apart, when Regulus fell back in on himself and both boys took to holding Remus and Sirius together.
They used it, they used their friends breakup as a way to drift apart, and it killed James. He wanted his home back, he wanted his love, he wanted his freedom.
He wanted himself, and he was himself, irrevocably himself, when he was with Regulus.
And he was going to get it back. This trip was going to be the best trip of their lives, because he was going to fix everything.
Most importantly he was going to fix himself, fix himself so he would never allow himself to watch those he loves break apart again.
And that started with Sirius.
“Sirius?” he reached out slowly gently placing his hand on the other boys shoulder as he let go of his wrist which he had been holding onto since Regulus and Remus had walked into the room.
Most people probably thought it was for Sirius’ sake, and it was, but also for himself too.
The people who could destroy them both had walked into the room, and he needed an anchor to stop himself from running to Regulus.
Sirius continued to stare blankly at the door Regulus had just left through.
He had tensed when Remus left, and was now fully gone with Regulus walking out. Shut down. Closed off, as if he was back in that house.
It was one thing the Black brothers could always do together. They could get out of that house, their families grasp. They could protect each other from everything.
But in the end, they were also the only people left in each other's life's that could bring the other back to a state of numb, of panic.
And he could see it on Sirius' face now, that he had been pulled back to that place. Split apart from his brother, lost, floating. And James needed to ground him.
“Hey, hey come on,” James wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulders and began to guide him out of the room slowly, sending an apologetic glance to Lily as he did so.
Lily, oh poor Lily, she was stuck managing these two bands who were fighting and falling out, and, oh James dragged her into this.
He asked her to manage their band. He said it was ok for her to take on the Skittles too even if he knew that tensions could rise at any given moment.
And no, he doesn’t regret it not for a second, Lily is his sister, he needs her, but he hates that he bought her into a job where her anxiety peaks simply because she has to walk into a room and talk to her friends.
Because they are friends, that’s what they are first and foremost.
And it’s just another reason James needs to fix everything, for Lily. For Sirius who is shaking, for Remus who has faded away, for all their friends who were caught in the crossfire, and for Regulus.
He doesn’t have to add himself to that list, if he does it for Regulus he does it for himself, if he does it for his friends, he’s done it for himself.
Everything he does for the people around him is for himself.
Slowly, still with an arm wrapped around Sirius, he guides them both into their bands little office private office, decked out with burgundy plush armchairs and couches, photo frames everywhere with at least 3 photos of each of their friends and a little mini fridge.
He gently helps lower Sirius onto the couch, opting for a surface he’ll be able to curl up next to him on, and walks across the room quickly to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
Shock the system and contact. That’s how he has learnt to deal with Sirius, he hands him the bottle of water and lets him take a slip, his eyes glazed over, seemingly still out of it. Then curls up next to him on the couch wrapping an arm around Sirius as the other boy instinctively leans into the contact, resting a head on James’ shoulder.
They stay like that in silence for a moment, James waiting on Sirius to speak.
He knows how to comfort Sirius, most of the time anyway, he became very adapt to it whenever Sirius returned to school after the summer holidays from that house.
Contact. Comforting contact.
Contact that ensures safety and control. He lets Sirius lead grabbing onto his arms, hugging into his chest, leaning onto his shoulder, and James simply moves his body in response. It’s the best way to get through to Sirius. And it seems to be working right now because Sirius slowly looks up to him.
“James?”
“Yeah?”
“What are we going to do?”
And James, is stumped. Because he doesn’t know.
He knows what he is going to do, he is going to fix everything. He knows he is going to get Regulus back, and he knows he is going to fix Remus and Sirius so he doesn’t have to comfort his brother over such things again.
But what is Sirius going to do? We, what are we going to do?
He doesn’t know, because Sirius doesn’t need that pressure, he doesn’t need to know about James’ relationship with his brother, his lack of knowledge of the two of them may have started the fall out in the first place, but he doesn’t need to know that until its fixed.
He doesn’t know what Sirius is going to do, because Sirius shouldn’t have to deal with the pressure of new songs every other show, yet James cant write all of them.
Not that he doesn’t want to, not that he wouldn’t.
He would do anything for his brother.
But its not what the label wants.
And he is sure it’s not what Regulus wants, because if James was the sole writer they might as well name it the Regulus album, all his songs are about the other boy anyway.
Not that the current album isn’t close, James writes half the songs and they’re all about, being in love, lost love, broken hearted, all stemming from the his best friends little brother.
And Sirius’ side of the music isn’t much better, half is about Remus, whether angry or soppy. And the other half is about his childhood. Regulus’ childhood.
So yeah, its not like the album wouldn’t be Regulus centred anyway, but a few filler songs is always good. Even if they are about Regulus' best friend…
And its not like Sirius can’t write that anyway, the label would lose it, the songs of his childhood, its why both bands blew up in the first place.
So Sirius can write, that’s what he can do, he can write, he can get his emotions out. And James will manage, he’ll fix the world, work behind the scenes.
He’ll do what he can.
“You,” and Sirius looks back at him with such sad eyes that James’ heart clenches painfully on his chest,“ you are going to write your half of the songs, your going to have a great tour, a tour you are on with your friends, and you are going to use the music as an outlet. You are not going to let this situation ruin this for you. This is our first tour, a tour all of us our on because of your song, you are going to enjoy it.”
“I don’t know if I can, Remus won’t talk to me, Regulus won’t talk to me. I’ve lost them both, I don’t know what to do, I can’t face them“ a sob rips free from the other boys mouth as he starts to spiral.
“I can’t- I can’t have them hate me, I- I need them, I need you, and I don’t have them and I can’t, I- I cant. “
“Lok at me Sirius, no, no look at me-“ he grabs Sirius’ face between his hand helping the other boy to regain eye contact, contact “Yes, yes you can. Because I will fix things. Its been three months, things aren’t raw anymore, I can talk to Remus, you can talk to Remus. But I need to know what I’m talking to him about because neither of you have told anyone anything. Please Sirius I want to help.”
“What about Reggie?”
“Reggie loves you, he is just looking out for his best friend, he is doing what I’m doing.”
“His best friend, Remus, he picked Remus over me, he wont even talk to me,”
And no, James cant do that, Sirius is starting to hyperventilate again and he can’t help but think how it's his fault. He knows Regulus has been avoiding him, using the breakup between his brother and Remus to stay away. And James being attached at the hip to Sirius, no wonder Regulus hasn’t spoken to his brother.
But he can fix this, he can fix everything. He has to.
“I’ll talk to Reggie, he doesn’t hate you, please please trust me on that. He doesn’t. And I’ll talk to him.”
And maybe its because Sirius knows that James and Regulus were best friends, or maybe its just because he trusts James, but Sirius slowly steadies his breathing and nod his head whispering out a choked,
“Ok.”
"And as for you needing me," he smiles slightly pulling the other boy into a tighter hug, as if holding him together, "well, you always have me."