Nihil Habens - Or?
Nihil Habens - Or?
Hogwarts
Severus' onyx eyes were warm and had a shine to them that even Lily had rarely seen in the past.
“You seem happy,” she whispered to him while a smile came to her own lips.
“And you’re surprised by that?” Even his voice was different, where in the past there was a cold and distant sound to it, it was now deep and warm.
“I don’t know… There was a time where I thought this would rather disgust you than make you happy.” As soon as she had said that, she both heard and felt how his hand connected with her bum, causing a small smirk to appear as she pressed herself more tightly against him.
“Since the day I first saw you, this is all I ever wanted,” he said as he closed her eyes.
"This?" Lily asked.
Severus felt how she pressed her ass against his hand, a teasing tone to her words. “Not just this…” he answered, his hand giving a gentle squeeze. “But you… Going to bed with you and falling asleep with you in my arms.”
“Hmm…” Lily hummed before he felt her lips against his own, her weight shifting as she moved on top of him and the blanket slid down along her bare back. “You living here with us was the best decision ever…”
The sun had set an hour ago, and he was beginning to regret leaving his cloak in his dormitory. Even though it was the beginning of summer, the wind in the Scottish Highlands was still harsh, and Hogwarts wasn't exempt from that. On the other hand, McKinnon had told him that Lily wanted to meet him at sunset, and not a moment later. After his disastrous attempt at an apology, Severus almost feared that it was really over. His best friend, his only friend, gone for good. He should have known that Lily would come around eventually and given him another chance, she wouldn’t give up on him because of a word uttered in anger and hurt.
Knowing that he had been given another chance, he was in a bit of a hurry to shower and put on some fresh clothes (clothes that were a bit too short for him, but more presentable than anything else he had in his trunk). He was sure he'd left his cloak on his bed, but somehow it was gone and he couldn't waste time looking for it. Lily could be gone if he was late, his chance of forgiveness ruined by a missing cloak.
But so far he hadn't seen a trace of Lily, and that was so unlike her. Even when they had argued in the past, she had always been punctual. But perhaps her Gryffindor friends were holding her back? Maybe they were trying to talk her out of talking to him again. He wouldn't be surprised.
"Look who we have here!" The sound of James Potter's voice made him turn in a quick movement.
"Looks like old Snivelly was waiting for someone..." Sirius Black said as he stepped next to Potter, and the predatory smile on his lips worried Severus. He could tell Black had come to target him until he was bored.
"Who would want to meet such a greasy dungeon snake?" Peter Pettigrew piped up and Severus felt his blood boil. When the boy was alone, he didn't dare look up from his feet, but as soon as Potter and Black were on his side, he thought he was a big bad guy that everyone should fear.
"Potter..." None of this was good and instinctively Severus moved his hand closer to his wand.
"It's not nice to greet only one person, Snivellus." The boy with the dishevelled hair and bespectacled face replied. A sneer played on his lips.
"Just as it's not nice to snoop on other people..." Severus drawled as he raised one of his eyebrows.
"But why, Snivelly, you accepted our invitation." A loud laugh followed Black's words and Severus' eyes widened in shock.
It was then that he understood that Lily hadn't wanted to meet him. That McKinnon had only set him up for the Marauders.To give them one last chance to torment him before they all left Hogwarts tomorrow for the summer holidays. How stupid had he been to trust that girl?!
The only hope Severus had at that moment was to take advantage of the moment of surprise and perhaps knock out at least one of them, which would make the duel a little more fair than it usually was.
"You set me up..." He had slowly wrapped his fingers around the handle of his wand. "I imagine McKinnon was more than happy to help with your little plan, wasn't she?"
"Oh yes, Marlene was very excited when we told her of our plan." Potter said with an arrogant smirk.
"I think anything that keeps you away from Evans makes Marlene a very happy and excited girl." Black added with one of his roaring laughs.
That was the moment Severus had been waiting for, immediately drawing his wand and shouting "Stupefy!" in an attempt to knock Black out before the Marauders could attack him.
"Protego!" It was Pettigrew who shouted the word, wand drawn, and to Severus' surprise the boy had actually been able to block his spell.
"Expelliarmus!" That little moment of surprise from Severus had been enough for Potter to draw his wand and use his favourite spell to disarm Severus.
It was the feeling of his wand slipping from his grasp that made Severus' eyes widen in shock, knowing that losing his wand was the worst thing that could have happened, especially so quickly.
"Incarcerous!" Black shouted, and Severus felt the conjured ropes wrap tightly around his body, binding his arms and legs so that he was unable to move, and hitting his body with such force that he quickly lost his balance and fell face first to the ground. A cracking sound was heard and as soon as he felt the pain, Severus knew his nose was broken again.
"Tell me, Snivelly..." Severus felt a boot hit his ribs before being shoved underneath him, turning him over so that he looked up at the sky, only for the sky to soon turn into brown eyes glittering with amusement. "Did you really think Evans would forgive you?"
"I..." Severus tried to say, but started to cough as the blood from his nose ran down his throat.
"You really did, didn't you?" Potter laughed in his face and shook his head. "That's why you were so easily persuaded to come here; you thought she would forgive you and all would be well between the two of you." Potter had a grin on his face, but within a second it turned into a scowl and Severus felt a boot hit his ribs again.
"As if she would waste her time with you again, Snivellus." Black laughed loudly. "Not even your kicked puppy act will fool her now, you showed your true colours after enough prodding." There was a manic gleam in the Gryffindor's grey eyes.
"You –" Severus said, only to be kicked in the ribs again.
"Shut up, you slimy snake!" This time it was Pettigrew who had kicked and shouted at him, a stupid grin on his lips as he felt strong with the two other Gryffindors at his side and Severus pinned to the ground.
"Gentlemen, I think good old Snivelly got the message we were trying to send him." Potter spoke again and Severus' eyes moved to the boy, noting the smirk on his lips. "I think it's time to make sure our dear Evans isn't bothered by this greasy git over the summer."
"What –" But once again Severus was unable to finish his sentence as he was hit by a stunning spell from Potter and the world around him went black.
When Severus awoke, the moon was his only source of light. He wasn't lying on the ground anymore, but the ropes still prevented him from moving any of his limbs. And there was something pressing against his back, something rough and coarse, digging into his skin whenever he tried to move.
His eyes widened in shock as he realised that the Hogwarts uniform was supposed to protect his skin from the poking and scraping. Anticipating the worst, he actually looked down and saw that his fears had come true. A stream of curses escaped his lips as he realised that the Marauders had indeed stripped him completely before tying him to the tree. His clothes lay further away in a heap, carelessly cast away so that their mere sight could mock him.
Knowing that he was naked didn't help him regain control of his mind. But he had to push his situation to the back of his mind so that he could actually think of a solution; the chance of being found by anyone at this hour was rather unlikely. If it had been in the middle of term, there would have been students out and about, but on the last night? Most students would be in their common rooms, spending time with friends they probably wouldn't see during the summer; or making plans to meet up with those friends during the holidays.
Hagrid might still be on the grounds, but Severus knew that the friendly half giant was most likely somewhere near his hut or deeper in the woods with his dog.
And that left Severus with only one chance: himself.
It had been a few months ago that he had stumbled across a book on wandless magic in the library at Hogwarts. Since it wasn't in the Restricted Section, he had no problem borrowing it from Madam Pince.
The subject had been so interesting to him that he had read the whole book twice in a single week. In his first year, it had already become a habit for him to take notes as he read, jotting down his own thoughts on the content of the text, helping him to create a practice routine for himself.
Wandless magic required a lot of concentration, and the book had also mentioned Occlumency as a way to better focus in hectic situations, such as an unexpected attack from other wizards.
Getting his hands on a book that focused on Occlumency had been much harder. Occlumency, like Legilimency, was considered to be magic of the mind and therefore a very risky branch of magic. Not many witches and wizards had mastered it, and – according to the book he had finally gotten his hands on – some had even lost their minds trying to master it.
Severus had easily understood the basics of Occlumency, but he was far from mastering it. Still, he had begun to practise wandless magic as well. Perhaps it was lucky for him that the book had recommended that he start practising with the Accio spell, and had specifically recommended that he should try to summon his own wand.
The book explained that the natural connection between wand and wizard would be helpful in the first attempts at wandless magic. The wand was an extension of the wizard, a tool to help him focus and control his magic, and now the wizard had to learn to control his magic without that tool.
According to the book, this special connection would work like a line between the wand and the wizard, helping to focus the magic and send it in a certain direction.
He had practised for weeks before his wand had finally begun to at least twitch when he tried to summon it; and it was then that Severus had first felt the magic rush through his body before escaping through his hand. It had been a feeling he couldn't put into words, it had been special and somehow... freeing. As if the chains around his magic were slowly being loosened.
It motivated him to keep going and he could see the progress he was making, but so far he had never been able to summon his wand; yet it would be his only option to free himself from the ropes that had been tied around him.
With a sigh he began to search, his eyes roaming over the grass, but the darkness of the night certainly didn't make it any easier to find a black wand. It took him a few minutes to spot the moonlight reflecting off a dark surface under a bush. Fortunately, he had polished his wand earlier, making sure his most prized possession was in perfect condition.
"Accio wand." Severus whispered, opening the palm of his hand. He wasn't shocked when nothing happened, he had always had to say it out loud and sometimes more than once, so he wasn't going to let this stop him.
Once again he tried to summon his wand, this time his voice louder and stronger than before, his eyes fixed on his wand as he opened his hand and felt a little of his magic escape towards his wand; but once again nothing happened at all.
After more than a dozen attempts, Severus' patience was wearing thin and sweat began to drip down his forehead. As well as he had been able to put his current situation out of his mind, he was now beginning to fear that he might have to spend the night out here, tied to a tree with no way of defending himself.
Fear and shame began to rise again and were soon joined by anger; anger at Potter and his cronies, at the teachers who had always let them off with a slap on the wrist and a few not-so-scolding words. His thoughts briefly drifted to the Headmaster, how he had sat in the old man's office and been told that his life was basically worth nothing – that it was more important to the Headmaster that no one found out about Lupin, that Lupin would be able to finish his education here.
Severus felt his magic begin to pulsate within him; how the air began to change as his magic reached out from his body with a new, unknown power as his eyes snapped back to his wand.
"ACCIO WAND!" He shouted, and it felt as if his magic exploded from his hand as soon as he opened it, his wand lifting off the ground and shooting towards his hand with unexpected speed and force. Instinctively, he had wrapped his fingers around the cool wood as soon as his wand touched his hand and then it happened...
A loud noise was heard and Severus felt as if he couldn't breathe, it seemed as if everything around him was being pushed away, even the air as the grass bent away from him for a few seconds before everything returned to normal and Severus could breathe again.
He rolled his wand in his hand as he took a few deep breaths, something felt strange, but Severus put it down to the amount of magic his anger had unleashed when he tried to summon his wand a moment ago.
When he got his breathing back under control, he tried to cut the ropes with his wand; it was a simple spell that shouldn't be a problem even for a first year; but somehow Severus couldn't do it. No matter how many times he tried, nothing happened to the ropes that still tied him to the tree.
"What happened here?!" Someone asked suddenly, breathing a little faster, as if they were running towards the tree he was tied to. “Hello?!”
Severus could hear the footsteps getting louder, a sign that someone was getting closer to him.
"Stop! Stay away! Don't come any closer!" He wanted to sound angry, to frighten whoever was coming his way, but even to himself his voice sounded desperate and weak, afraid of anyone approaching.
The sound of feet hitting the ground stopped quite close to his position and Severus wished the ground would just swallow him alive. As much as he had hoped that someone would find him, it also meant that whoever found him would see him naked.
He could clearly hear the gasp from the person that had arrived – the sight of his naked body had probably shocked whoever it was, his pale skin stretching over his bones, his rib cage visible even after months at Hogwarts, and scars that were usually hidden by clothing now in open view.
"Severus?!" A shocked and distinctly female voice asked him. It sounded as if the person had just recognised him – while he would recognise this voice under a thousand.
"Who else would it be?" He muttered and looked down, his hair falling in front of his face, forming a shield that hopefully hid the embarrassed blush that was turning his cheeks red. Once again he had been unable to defend himself and she was the one who would find him – his only hope for help.
"But–" It was a low murmur that came from her and a moment later he felt the ropes around him loosen and he slipped to the floor, finally able to move again. “What happened?! Who did–?!” Her voice cut short, followed by feet crunching dry leaves along the forest floor, approaching Severus. A hand reached out and touched Severus’ arm, turning him slightly. “... oh my God….”
The last time that she had seen him like this he had lashed out and destroyed their friendship, a memory that in this moment caused something to break within him. As much as he had tried to stay strong, to not show weakness… He simply couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped his lips as tears started to drip from his eyes onto the ground underneath him.
“... Sev?” A second hand took hold of Severus’ other arm and forced him to face her. “Sev, look at me.”
He couldn’t stop the tears, as much as he tried to gain control over his emotions again — he simply couldn’t. Especially not after she called him Sev, as if they still were friends. It was without his power to stop her, to keep looking away and not let her look into his eyes that showed nothing but pain — and a soul that was broken.
“Sev!” Severus felt her give him a shake, and he could hear a crack in her voice. “Please, I’m not– forget about what happened for a second! Just please, look at me!”
“I’m sorry,” were the first words that escaped his lips in this moment, black eyes looking into green ones. “I never wanted to hurt you — to hurt anyone.” He said before another sob escaped him. “I just… I wanted to feel safe l, not worry about any step I make… Not fear the consequences anymore… I wanted to be safe…” One more sob broke up his words. “I’m sorry — sorry that I exist.”
“... we need to get you inside, yeah?” She gently pulled Severus towards her. “But first, let’s get you dressed.” She looked around before walking over to the pile of clothes. “Come on.”
“You…” He said and shook his head, looking down. “You were the only one that ever cared…” His eyes looked into hers again. “You shouldn’t care… Not about me…”
She stopped midway through gathering the clothes on the ground, and a few moments later, she was by his side once more. “Severus… you’re standing naked in the Forbidden Forest after dark. Why wouldn’t I care?”
“I’m not worth it.” A shaky breath escaped his lips. “I’m weak. Unable to defend myself.” He blinked. “I hurt you.” His eyes were still looking into hers. “Nobody cares about me Lily — not even the headmaster cares if I’m alive or dead. This would be a better place without me — and I would finally have peace.”
“Stop it, for goodness sake!” Severus felt her shove his clothes into his hands. “We can talk about everything once we’re indoors. Just… please, get dressed and come with me. Please.”
His eyes moved down to the clothes that had been shoved into his hand and then he looked back up at Lily, giving a slow nod before he started to dress himself again. As he struggled with the pants – which probably should have been replaced a year or two ago – he turned his back to her, letting her see older scars. He heard a quiet gasp from behind.
“... did they do that to you?”
“Some…” He answered and closed his eyes. “…but most are from my dad.” It hurt to admit that not even his home was a safe place, but it was the truth and Lily deserved the truth.
An uncomfortable silence passed between the two of them before Severus felt Lily’s hands on his, taking the shirt and covering his back.
“W-we’ll talk about it inside,” Lily said, her voice cracking slightly on the last note. “Do you need to see Madam Pomfrey?”
When Severus heard the light cracking on her voice he simply took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“No, not Madam Pomfrey, please.” A shake of his head followed the words, his hand still holding hers.
“Why not? Aren’t you hurt?”
“She will keep me there… But I want to talk with you.”
“Alright… okay, let’s at least get inside first, yeah?”
“That might be a good idea…” Severus agreed and lifted his wand from the gras, noticing that it did not feel as it normally did but shoving the thought aside. “Where do you want to go?”
“Right now, if anyone catches us, you’ll probably get in trouble.” Lily paused for a moment to think. “How about we go to Mr. Hagrid’s?”
“Do you think Mr. Hagrid would let me inside his hut?” He asked her in an insecure tone, his hand squeezing hers a bit tighter. “I don’t know him that well…”
“It’s the closest place with a roof, and if we talk in the castle, our voices could travel down the corridors. Do you trust me?”
And there it was, the question that had been dominating his mind for days now — a question that he had found an answer for.
“With my life.”