His Parents' Beautiful Boy

Regulus passes softly and peacefully in the middle of the night, like the outpouring tide, and wakes up the next morning in his childhood bedroom.

He doesn’t remember it ever looking like this, but when he opens his eyes there’s no denying where he is. There’s a crib in front of him, painted black with nothing childish to show for it. That part’s not surprising, but the little baby resting in the crib is. His eyes are big blinking up at him, and Regulus hesitates just at the front of it. They stare at each other for a long time, the baby doesn’t cry, barely even a squeak. Regulus reaches out, his fingers wrinkled and yet they don’t hurt like he remembered them hurting. They’re perfectly weightless as he touches the child’s cheek. The baby leans into it, longing for comfort. Now that’s a feeling Regulus recognizes, it’s one he remembers.

Regulus hums, “Strange.”

Before he can continue the door behind him creaks open and he turns around to find his brother, who can’t be older than two rushing into the room. “I’m sorry,” he babbles, running toward the crib his footsteps heavy. Regulus moves out of the way even if he’s not sure if he needs to, he doesn’t know how this works. Either way, he watches as Sirius climbs up the side of the crib and drops himself down right beside the baby, laying down with him. “I’m here now, Reggie,” his words don’t come out right but Regulus can understand them anyway. “I’m here.”

Regulus watches the door as if he’s expecting someone to come in, but no one does, it’s just a moment between the two of them, one he had long forgotten. When he peers back in the crib the baby is blinking up at him still, mesmerized by the very sight of him.

“You can see me,” Regulus murmurs.

The baby, of course, doesn’t answer he only continues his staring as his brother tries to get him back to sleep. Sirius wins, he always ended up winning his fights in the end.

Regulus is confused more than anything as he floats through his life. He goes through memories he doesn’t remember ever living. He hardly ever interacts with his younger self, or at least he’s certain that’s what it is. He would think if he was living it all out again like his life flashing behind his eyes he would be in his own body. Plus it does seem sometimes that the baby can see him, only Sirius is more of a flashy thing and his eyes are automatically drawn to him whenever he’s in the room. Regulus can’t blame him for that. So most of his time is spent watching the two children run around each other.

He hasn’t been around children much, he never had any. At some point maybe he thought he’d get around to it, only if he was convinced and he thought at some point he would’ve been. He could’ve imagined it, buying a house and having little laughter filling up the place. It was a silly dream, a soft one, perhaps the silliest and softest dream he ever could have, but it was never meant to be and he doesn’t regret it. He always said maybe in another life, in another universe it was made for him. Anyway, all of that to say he never had children and there was Luna, of course, he was around with her sometimes but it was never like this. He was never with her at all times. He’s not doing a hand in any of the raising this time either, no that’s all Sirius, but he watches.

He watches as Sirius takes the toddler out into the backyard to run around in the grass for the first time. He watches Sirius and the toddler babble together in their own made-up language that Regulus even finds himself figuring out, be that by memory or because he spends all his time listening to them he doesn’t know. He watches the toddler cry as Sirius fixes up his scrapped knees, and as they grow even worse wounds not so easily kissed better.

The house is a dark place, a cold one too, it always has been. When Regulus first landed here he thought it a kind of purgatory. A place he would simply put rot away in. He didn’t live a good enough life to end up any better, and he wasn’t cruel enough to end in a worse one. He was stuck in his childhood home as a ghost no less. As the years go by, however, he finds himself realizing it’s more of a gift than anything else. The house is a cold place, yes, but the children make it warmer. He finds himself smiling at all the silly games they play together. He smiles when they do and cries when they do as well. He becomes protective of them from day one, even if he knows it’s a fixed script and he can’t do anything to mend it.

He doesn’t talk to his younger self much, not while Sirius is around, and well Sirius is always around. The child is around three the first time he turns to Regulus fully and asks him, “Are you the moon man?”

Regulus bent down to his level, tilting his head, “The what?”

The toddler doesn't hesitate before he says, “Sirius says the moon keeps us safe. He says one day we’ll go out and take it and it will protect us.”

The story comes through to Regulus’ mind crystal clear, despite it being more than half a century old. He can still smell the dirt in the air, and the feeling of the rock splitting open his heel while they were running down the pavement after it. Regulus believed Sirius’ little story, he was young, and it was his big brother who told him about it. Of course, he would believe him. Sirius still laughed at him, calling him foolish. Regulus always said he’d get him back for it, but he never managed to come up with something good enough.

“Sirius is smart,” Regulus tells the child.

He nods along enthusiastically, with a smile that almost seems wrong to belong to this place. “I’m smart too!” He argues, “You’re always watching. You keep us safe!” He crosses his arms across his chest as if to prove his point.

Regulus knows the toddler won’t remember any of this happening, after all, if he did Regulus would remember it. He never remembers having an imaginary friend though, or a guardian angel looking out for him. To Regulus the only person he ever had in this house was Sirius, so he plays along. “You must be very smart to figure out who I am.”

“I did!” The toddler’s eyes light up as he jumps on his heels, practically running in circles around him. He doesn’t remember ever having this much energy. It’s like he has the sun stuck right in the middle of his chest. It reminds him of someone. “Can you take me there? To the moon. Sirius too he wants to see too please.”

“I think it would be better if you found it yourself, hm?” Regulus tells him, “It could be your own little adventure.”

The toddler sits on it for a moment before nodding, “Can I tell Sirius about you?”

“You’ll tell him anyway, won’t you?” Regulus questions. At this age, nothing was sacred between the two of them. Anything on Regulus’ mind Sirius heard about it. A part of Regulus wishes that never ended, but he knows it’s nothing to think about now.

Before the toddler can say anything the door opens and Sirius creeps in, “Dinner,” he calls.

Regulus walks to him without hesitation, only sparing a single glance back at Regulus before dashing out the door.

When the child is seven Sirius came down with the flu and was stuck in his room.  The boy couldn’t go anywhere near him in fear that he would get sick too, so he spent most of his time in his bedroom. This is the first time Regulus has actually talked to the boy for longer than five minutes without interruption.

“What do you do all day?” The boy asks, kicking his feet over the edge of his bed.

“Nothing much,” Regulus answered.

The boy sends him a look, “So you just watch me all day? Wouldn’t that be boring?”

Regulus smiles softly, “I don’t think so.”

Regulus never had kids, but if anything being with the boy for this long has only made him hate his parents more. He doesn’t understand how they could ever hurt a little kid as sweet as this one. Over time Regulus watched as the light disappeared from this boy’s eyes. He watches as the sun grows smaller in his chest until he becomes a quiet little thing who only speaks up when Sirius is around, and even then it’s not as much as he used to. It’s typical with children, to stop talking as they get older, and Regulus knew it would happen, but it doesn’t help the shock of it watching it happen.

“Aren’t you married?” The boy asks.

Regulus grew used to the sudden change in conversations, after all the boy was always a curious thing. He always asked more questions than he had answers to himself. Regulus’ heart bangs with it anyway, out of anything he didn’t expect this one. Maybe he should’ve, given in this family if you’re not married by your mid-twenties you’re good for nothing. It makes sense for the boy to wonder. Regulus just wished he would wonder when he grew old enough he would have no need for him.

“No,” Regulus answers simply, “I’m not.”

“Why not?”

He should’ve expected this question. Even all this time later it doesn’t get easier looking back at it all. He thought it would. When it all happened, he was told the waves would get smaller over time, they would hurt less. The ocean has never been kind to him, though, and the waves kept coming as brutal as ever. They came less frequently, and some days he could go on without the overwhelming grief covering him. He didn’t live a bad life in any regard. He was happy for most of it, but he missed the other half of his heart desperately, and that feeling never quite went away. 

“I loved someone,” Regulus says slowly. “I loved him more than anything, but I lost him when I was young and I could never bring myself to find another.” 

The boy’s face scrunches up, “Him?”

Regulus hums, “Yes him.”

The boy blinks steadily before questioning, “You were in love with a boy?” His words aren’t ones of contempt, only curiosity. Growing up Regulus didn’t exactly know it was an option, it’s not something his parents would’ve told him and he was homeschooled for most of his childhood. There was no way for him to find out about it, his parents liked it better that way. It’s easier to control someone who’s in the dark with everything.

“Yes, I was,” Regulus tells him, “He was beautiful, and kind, and sweet. He loved as big as the sun, and he…” his words trail off lost to his own mind. There are some things he can’t say, some things he needs to keep to himself. He knows he can’t change the ending, but it will do nothing to scare the boy. He just wishes he could’ve seen all of that before. Maybe things could’ve been different.

The boy is silent for a long time, milling it over in his mind, “What was his name?”

It’s an innocent question and one that Regulus has no problems answering. Maybe he should, after all, this is his past self but they’re on a planned track, and he really misses calling his name. “James,” he answers, “He liked when I called him Jamie though.”

“Jamie,” the boy mumbles, and it sounds like it always does like it belongs there despite it being the first time he ever says it.

The conversation comes up only a week later. The boy snuck up on the roof through his bedroom window. It was something Sirius showed him how to do months ago but he always hated going out alone. This time he had Regulus with him, so it didn’t seem as scary, at least that’s what he told him. The stars aren’t as bright as Regulus remembers them being from this view. They’re in the city, so it makes sense that they can hardly see them, but from the lens of childhood, they used to be massive just above him.

“Do you think I’ll ever love someone like you loved Jamie?” The boy doesn’t even look over at him while he asks the question, too absorbed by the view in front of him.

It’s a very loaded question, and one Regulus isn’t sure he knows how to answer correctly. Either answer seems wrong like he’s hiding the truth. Technically he is. After a long time, Regulus nods, “I think so.”

The boy turns to him quickly, “Are you sure?” He questions.

Regulus smiles softly at him, feeling his eyes prick as he looks at him, so young, too young to deal with any of this. “I’m certain,” he tells him.

“Alright,” the boy replies looking away again, tucking his knees underneath his chin, “Is it nice?”

“Very nice,” Regulus answers.

Silence overtakes them and Regulus is set with the realization that the boy will forget him soon, he must. If he had him any longer he would remember him. He knows it’s been a long time since he was young but there are some memories that are seared into his brain, imprinted the same as they appeared. He knows he can’t change the ending. He’s not going to grapple with that fact. It was one he went over all the time in his youth, especially right after it happened. What if he never fell asleep that night? What if he held onto James tighter so he couldn’t go? What if they never went on vacation? What if they went to the middle of the country where no bodies of water could be found? What if he figured out his plan beforehand? What if he held him for longer each time they came together? What if they never had to part?

All of these questions and what-ifs buried their way into his chest and never found an exit point. He spent years of his life on it, and he knew back then there was nothing he could do. He could never go back to that moment. It took him a long time to get himself out of denial. It took him years to finally admit that James was gone and never coming back. He had dreams of him. They were soft and sweet and he never wanted to wake. He even heard the call of the ocean for himself for a little while there. Sirius was the one who had to push him back off that ledge and looking back he’s all the more grateful that he did it. Regulus can’t be stuck on trying to change anything. He knows that’s not what he’s here for. Honestly, he’s not sure why he’s here but he knows this boy will have to go through everything again, and Regulus will have to sit and watch. Maybe he could’ve changed something the first time around, but he knows if James was still here he would tell him there was no use. He would tell him to go on with his life. He would tell him to live. So he’s not going to tell this child that he’s in charge of saving his Jamie. It’s too big of a burden to bear, and Regulus knows it would never work anyway.

Instead, he says, “When you find your Jamie,” he stops himself, “Just hold them close okay?”

The boy turns to him his eyes wide, “What?”

“Just cherish them, and love them, okay?” Regulus says, “Hold them close and tell them you love them any chance you get, okay?”

He knows it won’t change anything. He knows James’ end will come and go as it always has but maybe if the boy remembers anything from this conversation James will have a little extra love before the inevitable. That’s all one can ask for before the end, just a little bit more love.

The boy nods, but Regulus really can’t be sure if the message sinks in or not. He just has to have faith that it does, that’s all he can have. Regulus never knew how to have hope before James walked into his life, and it took him a long time after he walked out of it to find it again, but he managed. Despite the pain in his heart, he told himself that James would want it that way, and even if James wasn’t there to see it he would know somehow. Regulus doesn’t know if that’s how it works, even now he’s not sure how all of this ends. He doesn’t know where he goes after this. If he goes straight into the next life or if there’s even a next one at all. Maybe this is all he gets, but he hopes not for James’ sake anyway. He deserves a chance to grow old at least once. Despite the back pain and wrinkles, Regulus thinks it would look good on him.

As suspected the boy stops being able to see Regulus just a few months later when he turns eight. Regulus doesn’t mourn it, despite losing a talking companion, he expected it. Sirius goes away to an in-person school that year and the boy spends a lot of his time alone without Regulus there to keep him company, or well he’s there but the boy doesn’t know that.

The boy is eleven when Regulus sees James again for the first time in decades. He looks just as he remembers him, he smiles so big it reaches his eyes, and his whole body practically shakes from how giddy he is. He was such a powerful light, oh Regulus forgot how much he was.

“James,” he stuck his hand out in front of Regulus, “I’ve been waiting forever to be able to meet you.”

The boy still hadn’t learned to hide his emotions, and he let it all out falling to the floor beneath him. It’s the same love-struck look Regulus is sure he’s sharing with him, but no one can see him, so it doesn’t matter how he looks. The boy sticks his hand out to shake his, “Regulus.”

As soon as their hands drop James hooks his arm around the boy’s shoulders, “I think we’re gonna be friends, Reg, don’t you?”

The boy just looks at him, his mouth almost falling open from awe. That feeling went away, of course, as all things do, or at least he got better at hiding it. Regulus watches as the boy refuses to meet James halfway. He watches as he tells him he’s not his friend and refuses any type of affection that comes his way. He watches as James comes right back anyway, no matter what Regulus throws at him he always comes back like a dog to a bone. Regulus always rolled his eyes and acted like he hated it but a big part of him loved it when James came running back to him. He came to expect it. He sent him away and then as soon as his back was turned he looked back to watch him come back around. They were the tide always going in and out. Regulus never imagined a day would come when the tide wouldn’t go back out. That is until it didn’t.

The boy’s fifteen, almost sixteen, when he storms over to James in a huff, “Where have you been?”

James tilts his head, his smile peeking out just barely, “Excuse me?”

  “I haven’t seen you in nearly two weeks!” The boy exclaims, “Where have you been?”

“I was under the impression you didn’t like seeing me,” James tells him, just as egotistical as ever. He knew even then he had Regulus wrapped around his finger, and he showed it proudly too. He never hid away from it then, he knew what he had, and he was just waiting for Regulus to finally admit it.

“I don’t,” the boy scoffs.

James takes a step forward until they’re almost touching, “No, say it,” he says, “Say you enjoy my company. Say you missed me.”

“I did not!” The boy argues, but his voice is failing with James so close.

“You did,” James says, “You missed me.”

If Regulus has any sense he would turn around, after all, he knows what happens next and it would be good to give the boy and James privacy. That being said he doesn’t turn, he watches the moment the boy grasps the front of James’ shirt and pulls him in. Only then does he close his eyes and allow himself to feel the moment instead. He feels James’ hands in his hair and the feeling of his breath against his skin. It’s so soft, that’s how James was to him, soft and warm like a summer’s day.

Regulus opens his eyes again and he’s not the boy, not anymore, but the boy is smiling and shying away from James’ teasing with the blush on his cheeks and Regulus smiles with him. It’s not him anymore, but it was. More than anything he’s looking over at James, who despite wanting to seem put together was just as giddy himself, his face flushed and eyes shining with an excitement Regulus almost completely forgot about. Most of all he looks so real. That’s what strikes Regulus so harshly, how real James looks, how happy. He wishes more than anything it could stay like that forever.

There is still happiness to find. It never goes away completely. Despite what most would believe knowing the end James really was a happy person. He lit up every single room he entered and every party they went to no matter who was throwing it everyone knew his name. Regulus stayed alone most of the time, he had friends, but he never went out. He kept James inside for the most part, but James was still happy. Regulus watches as James grabs the boy every time he sees him, shoving his face in his shoulder with a smile so wide he’s afraid he’ll split his cheeks. He watches as James jumps up on the counters of his childhood room and pulls Regulus up there with them, dancing on socked feet in the middle of the night. He watches as he prances in the moonlight with laughter so large he has to throw his head back as he calls after the boy to chase after him. He really was happy. He wasn’t all doom and clouds, the sun came out so often, and that’s what made the dark moments so unbelievable.

Regulus sees it sooner than the boy does, but he knows what he’s looking for. Regulus’ eyes are already on James when he leaves the room for too long or comes back with red around his eyes. He’s listening to his voice as the boy calls him in the middle of the night his voice is hoarse but not because he was just asleep, it’s something deeper, darker. The first time the boy sees it they’re both seventeen and it was the first time James couldn’t get out of bed for days. The boy rushed over to lie down with him. James was hardly reacting and Regulus can hardly watch for the second time but he can’t look away. He needs to take in every moment he has with him even if it’s like this. He would’ve taken a lifetime of only this if only he could have his James with him, so he watches.

“I’ve got you,” the boy whispers, “Talk to me, please, Jamie, talk to me.”

James looks over at the boy, his eyes open wide and yet he’s so distant. He doesn’t say anything, he never did.

“I love you,” the boy murmurs, pressing his face against his chest, “I’m not leaving your side, I promise.”

It was a promise he kept. A promise he would’ve continued to keep. A promise that had to be broken, as all things go.

It got better after that. James got back up again, he was laughing, and he was smiling, and oh he was so beautiful. Regulus spends all his time now watching him, and he misses him when the boy’s not with him. He almost wishes he could follow him instead. He could’ve seen him when he was a baby and held him close to his chest, but it wasn’t the way the universe left it. It wasn’t meant to be, so he keeps hold of every moment he does have with him. He just watches and takes it all in because he knows nothing he does can change the script. All he can do is watch, so that’s what he does.

He watches as James gets better and takes Regulus to the beach with him for the first time. They ran up and down the beaches and lay in the sun because it wasn’t always bad. The ocean wasn’t always the enemy it was sweet once and the waves rolled out over them softly. James jumped into the water and resurfaced again, calling out for Regulus to join him and teasing him when he refused. Regulus watches the scene play out exactly as he remembers James coming back out of the sea to run over to the boy and tackle him to the ground. They land in a heap giggling into each other’s lips. No, the ocean wasn’t always evil, there was good in it once, and there was happiness. As there is in all things. Regulus cherishes these happy moments. He remembers them all but he’d forgotten truly how many of them there were. He never will again.

Things get worse. Especially when James hit nineteen, it was a crash landing the entire way down. There were week-long stretches he couldn’t leave his bed, and the boy sat with him for as much as he could, but there was only so much he could do.

A week before it happens the boy’s sitting with his legs in James’ lap distracted by something on his phone. Regulus never knew how long James was watching him before he said something. He didn’t feel his gaze like he normally would. This time around he watches his unblinking gaze, and he knows. It sinks in his chest and he knows.

“Reg?” James calls out, drawing soft circles on his ankles.

“Hm?” The boy hums, looking up at him, and he doesn’t know. He has no idea, and Regulus wants nothing more than to keep it from him. He wants to keep the ending far from his grasp but he knows he can’t. He knows it’s playing out exactly how he knew it would.

“I love you,” James tells him, he tries his best to keep his voice light but Regulus knows. Regulus hears the ocean in his words, and he almost has to look away but he can’t.

“I love you too,” the boy replies, because there’s truly nothing else to say, there’s no other reaction. In another universe maybe the boy realizes it then. Maybe Regulus could’ve figured out James’ plan and stopped him. He could’ve known he was close to the edge with those three words, but he didn’t then and he doesn’t know. No, the boy crawls onto James’ lap and rests his head on his shoulder. James holds him like it’ll be the last time and the boy doesn’t even realize it. To the boy, this is just a really nice night with the love of his life.

No, the boy doesn’t know until the next week.

Watching it from this point of view is different but it doesn’t hurt the grief that floods his bones. Regulus knew it would happen. He knew James would disappear into the sea and never return. Regulus watches as it happens, the boy’s asleep on the couch as James gets up and walks over to the ocean just outside the door. Regulus wants more than anything to say something to him, to be able to reach out and grab his arm, even if it’s just the smallest sign that he’s there, that there’s something waiting for him in the future he’ll never get to live. He can’t. There’s nothing he can do. James walks into the ocean and Regulus watches it happen again.

He would’ve thought after all the time he spent grieving over James it would be easier by now but it’s far from easy, and he sobs as well as the boy does. Collapsing to the ground as the sun slowly goes out.

The next few years are a blur moving forward. Regulus feels even more like a ghost walking through them. He knows he lived them, but he doesn’t remember half of the conversations or the things he did. The boy and he are constantly haunted by the life they could’ve had, the one James took away from them. It’s an awful thought to have, but the boy’s been angry for a long time. He hates it, he hates feeling that anger, but he’s so angry that James left him, that James chose that. James threw away their future and the boy swears he’ll never forgive him, and then he cries in his pillow and puts on one of James' sweaters, crying even harder when he realizes it doesn’t smell like him anymore.

Grief is an awful tragic thing, but life moves around it. The boy moves around it. He grows and he changes and he gets older too. He buys a house and paints the walls red because he knows James would’ve liked the color. He cries looking at the counter tops knowing James would’ve liked dancing on them, and then he sits out on the back porch watches the ocean, and breathes it in, steadily his chest rises and falls because it can, because he’s alive despite it all.

Regulus checks out for most of the rest of his life. He already lived it the first time, and it’s nice. He loves his life and he loves what he did with it, but doesn’t need to see it again. He doesn’t need to hold onto it anymore, more than anything he’s ready. So after decades more he sits by the boy’s bedside as he takes his final breath and closes his eyes for a final time.

The next time he opens them he hears the sound of a washing machine and he knows. He looks down to find his skin is not lined with wrinkles anymore and he feels in his bones he’s no older than nineteen again.

“Jamie,” he whispers.

“I told you I’d wait,” the voice comes from behind him, and when Regulus turns around he finds James and he looks just as he remembers. He looks so young, that’s Regulus first though, he’s so young but he’s his. He’s no longer the boy’s he’s just his.

Regulus wastes no time running over to him, clashing against his chest, grappling to almost crawl inside his chest if that’s possible. James lets him do whatever he wants, holding him tightly back. “I missed you so much.”

James sets him back down on the floor, holding his face in his hands, “You did good, Reg,” he says, “You lived such a good life I… I’m sorry I wasn’t there I-“

“You’re here now,” Regulus’ voice breaks, as he pushes their foreheads together. He knows that doesn’t make up for anything, and his chest is still sore from a life lived without James with him, but they’re here now. They’re here now and they’re together and they’ll never have to part again.

“I love you,” James murmurs, his eyes shining in the low light.

“Oh, my beautiful boy,” Regulus whines, wiping away his tears with his thumb, “I love you more than anything.”

Regulus doesn’t know what happens after that.

He doesn’t think he cares enough to figure it out either.

He just holds onto James like he should’ve done since the beginning, and he knows he’s not gonna let him go, not again, not this time.

Not his beautiful boy.