It's 5AM.
You sluggishly move around, trying to push yourself up from the bed – ultimately failing and you settled for rubbing your eyes, trying to do away with the sleep clinging to your eyelids. You frown as you feel some of the dry patches on your cheeks. Your eyes sting too, as if they were sensitive and tired, and then you remember.
You cried yourself to sleep last night.
Just like you've been doing the past few months ever since she told you about the feelings taking root in her heart.
The very same way you hoped she would light up at the thought of knowing you. Did she ever talk about you like that to anybody? You wonder.
Newsflash: No, she didn't. She never had.
It's the damn reason you started incorporating into your wardrobe more sweaters, flannel, and jackets just so you can keep pretending everything's fine.
You're terrified every word she tells you will be the last. For a long time, you've absolutely abhorred the concept of predetermined love governed by forces out of your control but now, you're much more fearful of finding a mark on your skin you're not ready to see.
Funny how life works, no? As if it takes pride in being an equalizer, as if it seeks to figure out people's idiosyncrasies and turns it inside out, as if it knows how much you hold what's dear to you and how deeply it cuts when it's poised to hurt you.
Funny. So very funny. So much so that you find yourself drawn back into exactly just how comedically hurtful it all can be.
*
Growing up, you heard all about them. Hell, you've actually been raised on whispers of them. Your parents were blessed or so they say, as had their parents before them, their parents, and so on, and so, forth.
But you? You couldn't understand it really.
Soul marks. So revered, the object of everyone's dream. People around you kept telling you it's proof that you are loved, that you are chosen, that you are blessed. They exalt the concept of things being fated for you.
These are the stuff of the stories that they'd tell to put you and your cousins to sleep. Countless accounts of long gone aunts, uncles, and grandparents experiencing that gift in some form or the other. Your lineage has been the talk of the town — having seemingly great luck finding the loves that were meant to last.
All of them kept telling stories about how your relatives were nearing the end of long lives, in pairs, getting their soul marks at a bittersweet time. The parting words of those they've loved, forever etched on each other long after the goodbyes. When the end comes, the appearance of the marks have become symbols of lives well lived with loves well kept.
For generations, your family has been raised to believe in the notion that every person has someone out there for them. This is why funerals were considered bittersweet in the family but celebrated nonetheless, they've become sad endings juxtaposed with the warmth of knowing you spent your life with the one meant for you. That you made the right choice and the commitment to the love you chose and chose you right back every day.
It was beautiful and it turned almost all of the family into believers, holding on to the hope that life leads you the right way towards the things meant for you. So many of them are fervent in their hope that people will find the right ones in this life.
They call your lineage the lucky ones, to get to love the one for you, for so long, and be validated in the end of it — that the right love made its way to you and you got to keep it for a while.
That's the stuff of the legends they always say.
And yet, you wonder about your other relatives, the outliers they call them — the ones in the fringes. The ones with stories that didn't end well.
Theirs are the stories you remember.
Your Lola Fides, for example, was driven to madness by the last thing her beloved told her: mamatay ka na sana.
A reflection of the time they found themselves in, they couldn't be together. In a society that frowned upon relationships of the same sex, her beloved cursed her to nothingness and she drove herself crazy, having loved her to the point of despair.
Mamatay ka sana. Your grandmother’s sincerity and love turned to a curse by the one person she loved, all because the world around them moved to see that love as a mistake, a misstep. As if there's something to abhor about someone who just earnestly loved.
They told you she lived for a bit after that separation but one night, when one of your uncle's was drunk
How hurtful must it have been, to tell someone you loved them and be told to die? Feeling all that also knowing it can't be held against them because it was a different time.
You often wonder, as you reflect on the parallels of your time and hers, would she have gotten the same mark if she was born in your time instead?
You hope not, you have to, because you would like to believe society is a little kinder now. It isn't. Not really.
You think about your cousin Kelly and how you had to watch them break over and over again, di naman kasi naging o magiging ikawetched on their arm, the elegance of the script doing nothing to tamp the pain of that phrase.
You remember how they cried, telling you about how hard they tried not to fall for their friend knowing they'd never see them that way, how they eventually failed to keep their feelings to themself and how that spelled the disaster that ended with them having to stare at those lines on their skin, a constant reminder that love does not always end in the victory you hope for. They took a risk confessing and it led to a colossal loss they will forever regret. They didn't get to keep them in the end.
The rumination brought you back to the night you accompanied your father to fetch a catatonic Tita Viere from her friend’s place. It was so discombobulating for you to see her like that. Tita Viere was always the life of the party, the one behind all the jokes and fun so seeing her so unresponsive spooked you to the core. Never did you think that the thing your family espoused to be so wonderful could render one of the liveliest people you know so glum and lost.
It took you a long time to understand Tita Viere in particular and it broke your heart to see that she never really got her spark back. She lost her zest for life and just stopped participating in the living. She'd simply go through the motions and put on smiles that never reached her eyes when necessary. She used to tell you the best stories about her and your Tita Guile. But now that you’ve had the time to think back to it, you should have noticed Tita Guile eventually stopped coming around.
Tita Viere stayed like that for a couple of years, merely going through the phases of existence. But you remember something.
The day before she left permanently, she called you over. You weren't really sure why but you'd heard that someone called her days before that and that morning, a letter came for her.
Her eyes were bloodshot then, and she looked so sad, as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders and no one could help lighten the load. You didn't really know what else to do so you gave her a hug. She cried for so long, slumped on your shoulder but eventually, she stopped, as if all the fight was drained from her.
You didn't know it then but that'd be the last time you'd ever see her. Thinking about it now, you still hope you knew but you didn't, and so, to this day, so many years in, you still haven't forgotten what she told you that day. She made you promise to always be careful with your words, to never say what you didn't mean, to never speak if you had nothing good to say.
“Words are powerful, Louie. Words are so powerful so I hope you never use them to hurt. Tread lightly, speak gently. You'll never know what sticks with the people you talk to. And someday, if you're not careful, you may find yourself living the rest of your life wishing so desperately that you kept your mouth shut or you'd have said something else. The regret is terrible, Louie. So terrible it might make you want to die and I hope you never know what I mean.”
Younger you didn't understand that day but you so badly wished you did because the next day, when your grandmother's screams pierced through the family compound, you suddenly hoped you said something, anything, that could have gotten Tita Viere to stay. If you understood, then maybe you'd have hugged her tighter, maybe you could have loved her hard enough into staying.
You got to read the letter she left. Two sentences stuck out on that page. One, she so desperately wished she had never said i wish i never met you. The other, from Tita Guile apparently, said hurriedly in the phone call she took the days prior, whispered as if it was goodbye, it’s your fault, don't ever forget. These were the very same words wrapped around Tita Viere’s wrist, right where Tita Guile used to hold her when they thought no one could see.
Your heart broke even more when you heard Tita Guile was gone too, that was written on the letter Tita Viere received from Tita Guile’s family. She took her own life, they said. They found scratches on her arm trying to deface some words but ultimately failing, i wish i never met you. That's when it made sense to you why your Tita Viere was so adamant that you swear you'd always be careful with what you say.
Words hurt.
And amidst all the love your family has celebrated and stood for, it is that fear of the words hurting that continued to haunt you to the point of you wishing to never find your mark, if the cost would be like theirs.
*
It's 5AM, still far too early for someone to wake, or so you loved to tell AJ ever since you met.
It's 5AM and even if you're still dealing with the remnants of your tears and the hold of sleep that lingers, you know you'll press on regardless. Lagi naman, basta para kay AJ.
AJ, Agatha Javier, your best friend, and some days, when you're a bit braver in the safety of your own space, your biggest secret — the person you want to hope for.
You met AJ a couple of years after Tita Viere left, back when there was nothing but contempt in your heart about words and love and fate and as you sit up and try to rub the sleep away from your eyes, you remember just how much her presence at the time threw you off.
There you were, driven by sadness and turned weary by heartbreaks not even yours, sitting with your friend Zephyr just hanging out and breathing through the tensions of school and life when she approached you the first time.
Turns out, Zephyr knew her from way back, when she used to live in the province with her folks.
“Lowe, si AJ pala. Kababata ko.” she introduced her to you with a big smile on her face.
This was an unlikely occurrence. Zephyr was far worse than you were when it came to brooding. Suddenly, you were intrigued. Who could this person be that Caph just couldn't help herself from beaming as if she just saw her bring forth the sun through the sky in a chariot?
“Hi, Lowe! Is it okay if I call you that? I'm AJ! Zeph’s closest neighbor slash frienemy from Cebu. I just moved her for school because my dad got promoted and my mom figured it would be nice for me to get to experience opportunities here. I was so shocked actually when Mommy said that I'd be going to Zephyr’s school para daw I know someone na…..” She probably said a lot more after that but you zoned out.
You weren't really much of a talker before but it got worse after years of seeing the pain words can cause, you've become much more discerning about what you say and that affected your patience regarding what you could stand to listen to.
Though, you should have known. Even after seeing her keep on jabbering on, annoyance wasn't the first feeling off your instincts. It continued to be curiosity. How come she doesn't seem to run out of words? And why do you find yourself wanting to check back in and keep listening?
“Oh, sorry. I think I said too much. I don't even remember half of them I think. But, uh! Tldr, hi, I'm AJ. I just moved here? Would you like to be my friend?” she extended her hand out for a handshake but you were probably still perplexed and she noticed, so she started to pull her hand away. You felt more than saw Zephyr shove your side and she glared at you, as if gesturing for you to shake her damn hand.
So you did.
You hurriedly grabbed her hand and gave her a sheepish smile. “Sorry, sorry. It's just uh, words. So many of them, medyo hirap lang ako masundan.” Rubbing your neck with the hand that wasn't holding hers, you crack a joke. “And well, I spend most of the time hanging out with Caph, medyo napapanis na ata laway niya kasi tahimik lang din siya eh.”
She laughed and you swear you could hear the choirs singing. It was quite the sound, conveying the mirth she feels so specially, her body shaking as if the joy was really overflowing.
“Lowe pala, well, Louise pero nakakawala ng angas minsan eh kaya Lowe nalang. Nice to meet you, Agatha.”
“AJ nalang, di kita mama.” She joked and you didn't know what to say so you cracked a smile and scooted over, making room for AJ to sit with you.
Little did you know, that's the beginning of her taking root in your life exactly the way she entered it, growing and seeping through the cracks of your being and you — helpless against her but also unwilling to fight it.
She was always there, that's what Caph always says about her. Parang kabute nga raw, always sudden in her appearance, but never a burden or an intrusion, at least never to you you didn't really notice that though.
Since that day, AJ became a central part of your life and you didn't even notice at first.
You didn't notice how you look for her first in every room, how the seat to your left is always reserved for her, how your bag always has packs of the candy she loves, how you started to carry the brand of sketching paper she likes, how you always bring a jacket in case it gets too cold for her (she gets cold so easily).
I mean, how could you?
When through every room she's in, it's Zephyr she's pulling with her. Every seat to your left is right beside Zephyr who says without fail that it's the seat she saves for her (AJ is in the middle, it honestly seemed like that's who she had become for you and Zephyr in the end). Those candy packs were rarely opened because AJ herself takes the candies stashed in the front pocket of Zephyr’s bag and most of the time she takes some of the candy as she also pulls THE sketchbook out of the said bag — you don't even know if it makes sense to call it Zephyr’s bag because you know it probably contains more of AJ’s stuff than it does hers. And the jacket? Well, aanhin niya naman ang warmth at comfort na dala nito kung kayakap niya naman na palagi si Zephyr, human blanket pa ngang naturingan.
In every space and moment you unwittingly set aside and made room for AJ, Zephyr was already there with her.
The moment of clarity absolutely hurt when it hit you years later.
You were all scheduled to meet at your usual coffee shop for a long overdue catch up months after you all graduated college. It's been a while since you all met since everyone became preoccupied with work and all the adjustments one has to make as they begin traipsing through the working life.
You'd been looking forward to this day for a while now. People have continued to be terrifying to you and making friends at work was difficult because you've never been the best at introducing yourself to others and well, let's just say that today, you're so ready to just be, to bask in the presence of the people you love who love you right back and already know you like the back of your hand.
You're so ready to see her again.
And see her you did.
Zephyr and AJ were already waiting and you were rushing to meet them but as you were walking inside, you got to take a look at them.
AJ was leaning on Caph’s shoulder just as Caph pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead and you saw as if in slow motion just how they both lit up after that moment, soft smiles on their forehead. They looked so at peace and you were so hesitant to burst their bubble so you walked away, for a while.
Sorry, running late. I'll be there in a few.
Truth be told, you don't even know who you were walking away for. You think it's for their peace but it's as if some part of you is starting to say that maybe it's really for you.
You're reeling because you see now their world you aren't a part of. Or maybe, you've just been caught off-guard by the budding realization that you wish it was you pressing that kiss to AJ’s forehead, that it was you holding her close, that it was you bringing her that peace – the way she does for you.
Oh.
Oh.
You love her.
You're in love with her.
You have been in love with her.
Oh no.
You walk around with that realization as you try to gather yourself.
No. Not today.
Today, you'll see your friends again.
That's what matters.
Your feelings can wait. You'll have to make sense of them still.
You end up getting them both flowers and grabbing small things you know they'd like – a pack of guitar picks for Zephyr and a new pair of hiking sticks for AJ. Katas ng sweldo mo is what you'd say.
You'd give them anything they'd ask for and even those they won't say is what you'll keep to yourself.
You finally got to the café and plastered on your best smile. Whatever it is you've realized will have to wait, your friends are here and you are too and that is more than enough.
You all had a good time that night, catching up on everything and hearing the horror and hilarious stories of all your attempts to enter this new world on your own. You tell them about the endless meetings and your disastrous attempts at friend-making. Zephyr talked about the songs she started writing and how she's learning how to use various tools and new instruments too. AJ recounted the hikes she went on and the pictures she took from all them, she also mentioned the submissions she curated for the nature magazines she wanted to apply to.
It's fascinating to say the least, everyone's trying to be someone now, and yet, there is comfort in how that moment still holds so much of who you all really are.
Before the night ended, they said they had to tell you something. You just smiled and showed them a photo you took of them earlier. It was right before you went in the second time. You snapped that photo unconsciously, as if your mind recognized the look of joy on their faces and wanted to bottle it. AJ was talking animatedly, gesturing about something only Zephyr could hear. And well, hear she did. She looked at AJ like she hung the stars in the sky with a big smile on her face.
They look in love.
And you told them as much.
“Ito na ba? Ang saya niyo ah.”
AJ blushed and kept her head down while Zephyr shot you a sheepish smile.
“Uh, Lowe. Ano kasi, uh.” Zephyr seemed to be stuttering now.
“Out with it Zeph.” you smiled, what else could you do really?
She took a deep breath, seemingly summoning the words she needed to say.
“Lowe, I want you to meet AJ. Girlfriend ko.” This made you laugh, what a parallel to the first time you met, the first time AJ changed your life. Well, now, she's changing it again – only through breaking your heart this time.
“About damn time.” you didn't know what else to say. But you also know that they make a lot of sense together. “About damn time.”
“Di ka galit?” They both turned to you with sad, questioning eyes, as if they were worried they have offended you.
“Bakit naman ako magagalit?”
“We didn't tell you.”
“Di naman ako kasama sa relasyon niyo, so bakit ako magagalit?”
“Lowe naman.”
“No, I'm serious. Your relationship is yours, you don't have to tell anyone about it if you don't want to. Sino nagparamdam sa inyo na kailangan niyo gawin yan, aawayin ko sige.”
This made them laugh. You stand by it though. You're not mad, they don't owe you anything.
“If anything, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me.”
“Are you kidding? Martha Louise Yvanne! Best friend ka namin, of course we would tell you!” AJ looked put out by the idea that tiu thought they wouldn't let you know.
As always, Zephyr tried to ease the tension, “Bago pa lang ‘to kaya di namin nasabi agad but we're really excited to see where this goes.”
You stood up and gave them both a hug. You're not really the type to give physical affection willingly so you felt them both stiffen in shock.
“I'm happy for you two.” you whispered. And you meant that.
Wholeheartedly.
*
Life was pretty calm for a while.
You all continued moving your way through the different phases of life you found yourselves in – them figuring out how to navigate things together, you finally learning to step out on your own and letting things happen to you.
It was all fine and dandy, until it wasn't.
You just got home one day, preparing to cook dinner, when frantic knocks on your door broke your reverie.
You opened the door and AJ was there with a shell-shocked look on her face, her whole body trembling as if she got the worst news of her life. (She did.)
You pulled her in and led her to your couch, their gift to you when you finally decided to get a place of your own. As you moved to go back to the kitchen to get her some water and give her time to compose herself, you felt her gently but firmly hold onto the seams of your sweater, perhaps asking you to stay.
Worriedly, you decided to do as she asks, settling yourself beside her. You're startled then because she hugs you tight and settles her head in the crook of your neck. Before long, you felt your neckline slowly getting damp, then you see the rise and fall of her shoulders – as if she was holding the sobs in but the tears were already flowing.
You knew she didn't like being vulnerable with people so you just kept gently rubbing circles on her shoulder, a silent assurance of your presence despite it all.
“Zeph,” she started saying then stopped to clear her throat, “the doctors —”, you hear her take another breath, as if what she's about to say would wreak havoc on the pieces of herself she's holding together gingerly.
You keep quiet, like you always do, and you wait till she finds the words.
And you wish she didn't, because other people's heartbreak have always affected you but this one hit so hard, much more than you have been used to.
“Z has been sick lately.” She began, “Headaches, body pain, numbness, seizures, blurry vision, she couldn't keep her food down. It was a mess really. She said everything just felt horribly wrong.” She's sounding rough, choking up as she remembers. “It's been months of testing.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” was the first thing you said in response. They've been suffering for a while but you've never heard about it until now even if you talk fairly often.
AJ glanced up at you apologetically. “Nahiya si Zeph, and you mentioned your upcoming promotion at work kaya sabi niya tsaka nalang daw, baka naman impeksyon lang.” At this, she falters, voice dropping in volume significantly, “sana nga impeksyon nalang eh.”
This worries you a lot, what happened and why is AJ here with you looking like the world is ending.
Well, a few moments later, you'd get your answer.
You've been getting information in pieces because it seems to be everything AJ could bring herself to tell you, as if anything longer would consume her.
“Marburg MS.”
“What do you mean?” you don't know so much about this, ang MS lang naman na alam mo ay Multiple Sclerosis at di naman siguro yon ang sakit ni Zeph diba?
Diba?
Puta.
“Marburg variant. Malignant. Fulminant. Rapid. Yan, lahat yan! Sa lahat ng sakit sa mundo, yun pang less than 4% of MS cases!” And AJ weeps again, noisily this time, as if the volume would drown out the loudness in her head.
This time you cry with her. Di mo pa lubos na intindi but rapid progressing multiple sclerosis seemed like a jumble of words that get progressively worse with each damn word.
“They gave her about a year, if we're lucky daw.” And there was the heartbreak. “Lucky? Lowe, kakasimula pa lang namin! Lowe, we- we- putangina, we were supposed to have the rest of our life, Lowe! Ang dami pa nating plano, ang dami niya pang isusulat. Her life hasn't even really started, Lowe!”
You keep crying too. Your friends don't deserve this. Zephyr doesn't deserve this.
Wala namang ibang ginawa si Zeph sa buhay kundi magpakabait, magsulat ng awit, at magmahal ng walang hinihintay na kapalit.
Wala ka rin namang masagot kay AJ eh, lahat ng sinabi niya totoo. Zeph has been one of the best people you know and she doesn't deserve this.
Di mo na rin alam kung ilang oras kayong nanatiling nakaupo ni AJ, panay lang ang pag-iyak niyo, grieving the unfairness of the world, and letting it all out before you face Zeph again. She doesn't need to be confronted by the pain you both carry because you know she's the one living through that pain.
You cry it all here and it seems like AJ thinks the same because eventually, hours later, at the sun peeks through the curtains, she announces firmly, “We'll be there for Zeph, right, Lowe?”
You nod your assent. “Every single step of the way.”
*
Every single step of the way didn't turn out to be that many.
Things worsened far faster than initially expected for Zephyr. She contracted various infections despite the extreme caution everyone employed and now, the doctors are saying it's only a matter of time.
It has been only a matter of time since the diagnosis 6 months ago.
And it continues to break your heart.
Still, she kept writing – songs, letters, notes. It was quite the sight. You remember the lyric from Hamilton, something Zeph would joke about during those days, where she could still drum up the courage to laugh despite it all
“Lowe, gets ko na si Hamilton.” She started one day when it was just you two. She's writing again, and you're hanging with her, helping her record the instruments for the songs she's compiling. “Ito pala talaga yung how do you write like you're running out of time ni Burr no? Posible pala talaga yon.”
She's been on a Hamilton kick lately, finding a seeming parallel with Hamilton's journey and the notion of time running out.
“Gago ka.” You laughed, you didn't really know what to say. Between the both of you, si Zeph naman talaga yung magaling makipag-usap.
“I'll miss you, Lowe.” This made you stop fiddling with the piano to shoot her a glare.
She's never spoken about the diagnosis yet, at least that's what AJ said.
“ ‘To naman eh, kaaga-aga pa para magpaiyak, Marcia Zephyr, ha?” You tried to wave her statement off before it makes you cry.
“Seryoso kasi, Lowe. I'll miss you.”
“Stop talking like you're dying, Phyr.”
“We both know I am, Owie.”
Phyr and Owie. Remnants of the childhood you enjoyed a lot because of her.
It never occurred to you that you'd call each other by those names again but hearing it now hurt you more than you'd care to admit.
You imagined yourself teaching their kids to call her Mama Phyr and she had always teased you about telling your future kids to call you Mama Owie so that you'd never know if they were calling you or if they accidentally hurt themselves and it hurts because that was supposed to happen. You were supposed to have more time with your best friend. It was not supposed to be like this!
Your tears finally broke through and the sobs followed and the next thing you know, Zephyr is giving you a hug and you're both crying this time.
“Owie, I don't want to die.” She whispered to you, afraid of saying her fear out loud. “Ang dami ko pang gustong gawin, Owie. Ang dami-dami pa.” She kept repeating that like a prayer and every iteration is like a knife to your heart.
You let her fall apart and keep hugging her tight, maybe to ground her but most likely to remind yourself that she's still here, right now, she's still here.
Hours later, when she's all wrung out and yet, you're still holding on, she asked you about the very thing you've been dreading.
“Owie?” She cautiously opens, aware of how much you dread this notion, “Do you think I'll carry AJ’s mark in the end?”
“I don't know, Phyr.”
“I know.” She stays still for a while, and you know she's trying to find the words. “I want to, you know?”
“You want to do what?” You know what she means, and you hate yourself for even entertaining the fleeting selfish thought that you wish it wouldn't happen because then you'd be proven right – they were meant for each other and your love for AJ will remain a secret and unreciprocated.
“I want to have her soul mark on my skin when I die.” She says, staring at her wrist, as if imagining where it would be. “Baka sakaling mabawasan yung takot ko pag kaharap ko na yung kawalan.” She murmurs.
“But I think it's selfish to hope like that.” She turns her eyes to you. “Sabi mo diba, your family celebrates the bittersweetness of deaths that end in soul marking.”
You nod in the affirmative, unsure where her statement is headed.
“On one hand, an affirmation perhaps, that we're right for each other.” She stares at something only she can see now, reverently. But the light dims in her eyes, and the tears threaten to fall again. “Pero kasi, ang bata pa natin, Lowe. Parang ang lungkot para kay AJ na dalhin sa tanang buhay niya yung tanda ng pagmamahal na nasuklian pero masyadong maagang binawi mula sa kanya.”
At this, you look away, unable to bear the look of heartbreak devastatingly visible on Phyr’s face.
“Ang daya kasi ng buhay eh.” She laughed with derision. “I wanted to marry her and build a life with her, Lowe, gustong-gusto ko pang makita siyang masaya.”
You hummed in agreement but remained silent. There are moments when words fail. Today, there's been much of that.
“I don't wanna break her heart, Lowe.”
“Mahal mo naman eh.”
“Deserve niya yung pagmamahal na nananatili.”
You can't believe Zephyr’s making you argue for the very nature of the words you vehemently dislike but she needs to hear this. “Di naman natin hawak kung sino ang nakatakda para sa atin eh.” you began slowly, the cracks on your lips letting themselves be felt. “All we have is the chance to make people feel loved.”
“Why does it have to hurt?”
“It only hurts as much as we love, Phyr. We feel the pain so strongly because the love is that strong too.” You pat her shoulder firmly as you say this, hoping to convey the gravity of just how much you believe that.
The weariness eventually catches up to you both but before you succumb to the beckoning of sleep, you hear Zephyr whisper, “I hope the words are good.”
And for her and AJ’s sake, you prayed that night, despite not having prayed in years.
*
It was only a couple of months after that night but Zephyr’s gone.
Zephyr's gone and AJ is sporting a beautiful mark, stark against the backdrop of a woman made pale by grief and loss.
i carry your heart with me
You look at the urn that holds everything left of your best friend and the engraving catches your eye.
It was her wish. That in case her mark appears, she be housed in it.
i carry it in my heart
Because of course, they'd sport a couple mark.
It was their favorite poem, one that you'd shown them during one of the times all three of you hung out in Phyr’s hospital room. AJ loved his works long ago and that poem in particular reminded you of their love, regardless of the twinging you feel in your heart sometimes when you see them.
They had a love so pure you couldn't begrudge them for.
And close to the end, when nothing else could comfort Zephyr, AJ would be right there, reciting that poem like it was a prayer, a constant reminder that the love was felt, that it will be remembered.
“She whispered it to me, you know?” AJ was beside you now, seemingly taking refuge from the constant greeting of the people coming over to share their condolences. “That morning. Before she went. She whispered.” Disjointed recollections flowed from AJ.
You were shocked because Phyr hadn't been able to talk anymore for weeks before she left.
“It was the softest sound, Lowe. Sobrang hina.” Her tears were flowing again. “I was holding on to her hand loosely, my head a few inches away from her. I wanted to be close but I couldn't get too close without hurting her. I almost didn't hear it.”
You moved closer, gently putting your arm around her, offering a space to cry on. AJ's head flops onto your shoulder.
“She whispered that slowly and it sounded like it took everything for her to say it. I didn't even think about my reply. It was instinctive at that point, a response to a prayer we faithfully shared.” She sounded farther away now, as if she was living in the memory and the AJ with me was the mirage. “I just responded how I usually would. I carry it in my heart. Then things started to slow and I felt my wrist burn, Lowe. I felt my wrist heat up and when I looked up to check on Zephyr, di na siya humihinga.” Her breaths were quicker now. “Di na siya humihinga.”
Your tears fall — for them, for Zephyr, for AJ, and for you.
The hurt is gigantic because so was the love and my god, this pain is threatening to swallow you whole.
*
You finally managed to get out of bed despite everything that kept calling you back and now you're finally in the middle of the airport, watching AJ pace as she decides if she'll head inside now or wait a little longer.
It's been 3 years since Zephyr passed away and a few months ago, AJ called you asking to meet, which you agreed to because it's AJ. Lagi ka pa ring papayag basta para kay AJ.
That's when she told you about the offer to be a photographer for NatGeo. Ilang taon na rin pala itong nabinbin because she didn't want to leave the place where Zephyr's memory was strongest but she said something about this time feels different.
She asked you then if it would be selfish for her to take it and you immediately said no, alam mo rin naman na Zephyr would say the same if she was here. She had always been the biggest supporter of AJ’s photography.
You encouraged her to try and well, here you are now, in the middle of the airport with your hands in your pockets, looking at her bemusedly.
“AJ, you'll wear a hole through the airport floors if you keep pacing like that.”
“Sorry na, ikaw kasi.”
“Anong ako?”
“Ang aga mo kasi, ayan tuloy maghihintay pa ako ng ilang minuto.” She's pouting now and you don't know why but something urges you to look at her and commit her to memory.
“Sorry na. Hirap na kasi, alam mo naman ang Maynila. Baka matraffic tayo, malate ka pa sa alis mo, di pwede yon.” You defended your decision to head to the airport hours ahead of schedule.
She smirks at you and you shake your head. It's been a long time since she allowed herself to kid around like this.
"Salamat, Lowe ha? Sa pagsundo, tapos hinatid mo pa ako dito.” A gentle smile plays on her lips. “Ang tagal na natin magkakilala, Lowe but I don't think I've ever said thanks for every single thing you've ever done for me, even the ones you never speak about."
"Ano ka ba, just like I told you ever since, diba. Lahat kaya ko para sa'yo. Ikaw na yan eh." True to yourself, you wanted to deflect the gratitude away.
"I know. I've been so lucky to have you."
"Gaga, mas maswerte ako sayo. Sa inyo.” a somber moment passed between the both of you. “Enjoy ka doon ah, mag-ingat ka palagi. Huwag na huwag kang magpapalapa sa mga leon at tigre ha. At pag namimiss mo na dito, lagi kang merong uuwian ha?”
She nods, tears threatening to break out despite the smile on her face. She's still unsure about going inside the terminal but you see the lines through baggage drop and immigration filling up so you decided to make the decision for her.
You pull her into a tight hug, holding her so close, memorizing the feel of her in your arms, as if you'd never get to hold her again.
"O, siya. Alis na ako, baka abutan pa ng traffic.” You tapped her shoulder three times, like what you and Zephyr used to do all those years ago. “Be happy, okay? As happy as you can be. You deserve nothing less."
She jumped when she felt the taps and you could see the goosebumps on her skin.
“Ingat ka ha?” You nodded, letting the moment linger. “I love you.”
You send her a smile and a two-finger salute then you turned around.
As you walk away, you feel the burning in your wrist. Fitting how it matches the burning in your eyes as you try to keep the tears at bay.
Still, it's like you never learned to turn away from what hurts. Like fireflies attracted to the light, you pull your sleeve back. Slowly, as if you want to put off the knowing.
Little by little, the words materialize in front of you. Of course, it would be this. Who did you offend out there to warrant something as crushing as this?
To have to live life knowing you've met your soulmate and find out that you're not theirs and still have to go on despite the loss and the heartbreak with the phrase you longed for but didn't get in the way you wanted etched on your arm.
How cruel.
How devastating.
How beautiful.
I love you.