Lily knew it was getting bad again.
She'd just prayed for so long that it wouldn't.
She felt cheated.Like all the good days had just been designed to trick her,to make her believe that all the hard work she'd been doing in therapy was actually worth it.It was as if her anxiety had turned around and laughed in her face.
Thought you'd finally beat it,Evans? Think again you stupid girl.
And the worst part was, that when she had even one good day, she clung onto it for dear life. The hope that maybe she wouldn't spend her entire life being crippled by anxiety. When these hopes were dashed,she often reflected on her childhood,thinking about a carefree young Lily who collected stones and shells on the beach with her sister. She always refused to line them up on the windowsill next to Petunia's,instead opting to lay them under her pillow as she slept.It was a little uncomfortable,but Lily loved her little stone and shell friends, whispering her secrets to them,as if they were her friends.
And in many ways,they were.Lily was always the quiet girl at school, the girl that teachers praised for getting her head down and working hard.Her parents were well-adjusted individuals,never berating Lily for a bad mark or pushing her too hard academically.Lily had always been lonely,and even now with her group of wonderful close friends who she loved dearly, she adamantly believed she always would be. Because there would always be this thing deep inside of her that none of them would ever understand.
Except Remus.
Lily didn't quite know how she'd gotten so lucky in meeting Remus. It was as if he understood everything Lily felt and treated her with the same love and respect as he always had. She wasn't quite sure she believed in soulmates, but she felt that if they were true,Remus was probably hers.Strictly platonically,of course.
So when Lily can't breathe on a Saturday night at 11:04pm, she doesn't hesitate to phone him.It's instinctive by now.
"Lils? You alright?"
Lily can hear Sirius' snoring in the background of Remus' voice.She tries to speak but all that manages to come out is a slight squeak and a shaky exhale.
"Ok,I've got the spare key.I'll be there in two minutes."
*
Remus is wearing her favourite jumper of his,Lily realises and he sits beside her against the bed frame, his ring-clad hand gripping hers tightly,as it shakes whilst resting upon her knees that are pulled tightly up to her chest.
It's a green knit jumper, but there are thin gold and red lines running around the bottom and the cuffs. She tries to remember the last time she saw him in it. She thinks it was at Mary's birthday party last month.
"How are you feeling?" Remus says,pulling the right sleeve of his jumper around her hand and wiping away the tears running down her cheeks.
Lily's panic attack had subsided with Remus' help, and as they sat in the aftermath of it in an unbelievably comfortable silence, Lily pondered on any future romantic endeavors she may wish to pursue. Not with Remus, but with others.
Because how the hell was she supposed to do that? How the hell was she supposed to live with someone else, be with someone else all the time, when Remus was the only person to have ever successfully helped her through a panic attack? Her mother's well-meaning but ultimately futile attempts to help when Lily had her first attack age 14 resulted in Lily being driven to hospital in an ambulance.Lily had spent the entire journey trying to find the words to explain to the paramedic that no,this was not an asthma attack.Please.I'm going to die.
"Lils?"
"I'm ok."
"Do you want a cup of tea?"
Lily laughs.Typical Remus.Lovely Remus.
"Yes,please.There's some Earl Grey in the right-side cupboard."
And as she sat curled up on the sofa with Remus, Earl Grey tea warming her hands from inside her favourite dinosaur mug, Lily couldn't help but think about the future.Was this it? Was the rest of her life? Having to be coddled by her best friend for the next 50 years?
"Lils,it's midnight."
Lily snapped out of her thought pattern and turned to look at Remus, whose dark brown eyes were staring right at her.
"Oh right.Sorry, you can go now.It's totally fine."
"No,Lils.That's not what I meant.I just meant that no one expects anything of you right now.You don't have to do anything at all.I know you and I know that tonight you'll get minimal sleep but just know that no one expects you to do anything for the next 8 hours.You can just breathe,Lils."
Maybe this won't be forever,Lily thinks.Maybe this won't be here whole life.Because she has him.
"I love you,Remus Lupin."
"Right back at ya,Evans."