Life Behind

AUGUST 10th 1995

“Here’s your last dose, Remus.”

Remus looked up at Hermione standing in the doorway of the library, holding the smoking goblet. Remus grimaced and beckoned her to sit down, taking the potion from her as she did. 

“Cheers, Hermione,” Remus muttered as he downed the Wolfsbane, swearing as he sat the empty goblet down. 

“It doesn’t taste any better as you keep drinking it?” Hermione frowned in concern. 

Remus shook his head, “No, unfortunately, you’d think it would, but it tastes just as vile every single time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Remus smiled, “And it’s worth it.”

“You think tonight will be better?” Hermione wrung her hands together and stared at him, worried. 

Remus set his book down and smiled at her, “Yes, it’s always better when I have the Wolfsbane. I’ll know who I am. Who Sirius is. I should be able to think clearly.” Remus said, trying to reassure Hermione, and himself. Truthfully, he didn’t actually know how Moony would react. Tonks was now in the house more than she was out of it. He’d seen her 17 times since they’d first met, not that he was counting. Every time was agony. Every time was the most beautiful experience he’d ever had, and also, when he didn’t give in to Moony, the most painful. He thought it would get easier the more he resisted, but really it just got more and more difficult to see her, smell her scent, hear her beating heart. 

“You seem troubled, Remus,” Hermione moved closer to him on the sofa. 

He sighed. Hermione had somehow developed the same knack Sirius had at being able to know when he wasn’t being honest. 

“I just… I don’t want you and Sirius to go through what happened last time,” That certainly wasn’t a lie. He hated that he had scared his friends. 

“What we went through?” Hermione exclaimed, appalled, “We didn’t almost die. We’re just worried about you.”

“I know that. I just wish you weren’t.”

“Well,” She huffed, crossing her arms, “That just isn’t going to happen.” She stared at him for a long moment, until he finally looked away, rolling his eyes.

“Yes, I am aware.”

“We love you.”

“Yes… I…” He glanced up at her again, “I am aware,” He nodded, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“Good. Now I am going to go get our lunch from Molly and you’re going to tell me what you’ve been reading in that book,” Hermione said, nodding to the large tome sitting on the table in front of him. The front of the book had been altered so the younger members of the household could not read the title; Grotesque Grimoire for the Ghastly. In addition, the book could only be opened by Remus, Hermione, and Sirius. 

“Thank you, Hermione,” Remus smiled as she pulled her long black hair behind her back. He couldn’t deny that he missed the chaos that was her natural brown curls. And her deep chocolate eyes. While he saw Hermione behind her guise as Hestia, he still missed seeing the Hermione he remembered. Sometimes he and Sirius would go to her room and play a game or read together, and it was then that they both got to see her as her and it was always better that way. 

“Well, all it really says about Horcruxes is that they can only be destroyed if the vessel they are in is broken beyond repair,” Remus admitted, gesturing to the large book. 

“Which-”

“Which we already know, yes,” He nodded at Hermione, who was curled up with tea on the couch. She swore inwardly. Every book they’d read since she’d told them about Horcruxes had said the same thing. Things Hermione had already known. 

“Well-”

“But it does say,” Remus interrupted, “That if a Horcrux is close to destruction, the only thing that can heal them is Pheonix tears.”

Hermione sat up straighter, “What? Why would it say that? What does that mean?”

“I don’t know,” Remus said as he handed the book over to her. “That’s all that’s written.”

Hermione took the book and scanned the page. Remus was right. It was a random footnote at the bottom of the page, with no citation of more information. 

“Do you think this could help with Harry?” Remus asked softly. 

“I… I don’t know,” Hermione admitted, shaking her head as she read the page once more. “It would still involve harming Harry… for the Pheonix tears to heal him. But that’s already happened.”

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, sipping his tea. 

“Well, you know that he faced the basilisk in his second year. He was bitten, and Fawkes healed him. Theoretically, the venom should have killed the Horcrux. But it didn’t since Fawkes saved him. So I don’t know how this will help us.”

Remus nodded, frowning, “Right, I’d forgotten. Do you think there’s any situation where it might work?” Hermione shook her head. The thought of Harry being harmed made her too anxious for words. 

“Only if he were injured beyond repair. Then I don’t know if the tears would work,” Hermione mused. “But I don’t want to take that risk.”

“No, I don’t either,” Remus took the book back from Hermione and closed it. “On to the next one I suppose.” Hermione groaned and put her head in her hands. “I know. I wish we had an answer, too, Hermione. But we will find one.”

“How can you be sure, Remus? What if we don’t find anything and I can’t save him? I’m here to save him. And if I can’t do that, then what is the fucking point? Why did you bother wasting my time with that?” Hermione snarled, pulling at her hair and glaring at Remus. His eyes widened and he set his tea down, staring at her. She glared back for several moments before her lip started to tremble. “Oh, Remus, I’m sorry!” Hermione covered her face with her hands and tried to take several steadying breaths, “How horrible of me. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not,” Hermione lowered her hands and reached out to take his. “I shouldn’t be snapping at you like that, especially on the day of the moon. I apologize.”

“I forgive you, love,” Remus squeezed her hands and smiled at her. “I know you’re stressed. With the moon tonight, and Sirius’ trial in two days. It’s a lot.”

Hermione nodded and swiped a hand across her face, “But it’s a lot for you too.”

“It can be a lot for both of us, Hermione,” Remus moved a hand to the side of her face. “It doesn’t make it matter any less if both of us are feeling this way. In fact, it matters more. I’ve got a mean side this close to the moon, too. Perhaps it can help us both give a little grace.”

“You’re too kind, Remus Lupin.”

He grinned, “Oh, I know.”

AUGUST 11th 1995

Sirius shifted back into himself as Remus finished his transformation with a pained groan. Thankfully, this time, Sirius couldn’t see any blood. But Remus was sobbing. Deep, heaving, horrible sobs. 

“Remus,” Sirius grabbed his wand from the high shelf it was perched on and opened the cage. Sirius held his face, checking for injuries, a habit he’d long had from the first war. When no severe injuries were found, he pulled Remus to him and held him tight. Remus curled up in Sirius’ lap and buried his face deep in his shirt, still trying to catch his breath as he cried. 

“Remus,” Sirius whispered again, “You’re okay, it’s okay.” Sirius held his best friend close until his tears finally quieted and his breathing evened out. 

“Moony needs her, Padfoot,” Remus murmured into Sirius’ chest. “But I don’t want her.” With that, he started crying again and Sirius swore. It was well past sunrise, and he knew that Hermione would be worried about them, but he couldn’t let her down here with Remus in this state. He realized then that he had never seen Remus cry like this. They’d obviously shared almost everything two people could possibly share, but Remus had never broken down and cried like this in front of him. Remus was the calm, stoic one that took care of Sirius when he was acting like this. Now the roles had reversed and Sirius didn’t know what to do. 

“Remus, shh, it’s okay. You don’t have to make any choices now, we can talk about it later-” Remus cut Sirius off by drawing away from him, grabbing the bars of the cage and pulling himself unsteadily to his feet. Sirius rose too, helping Remus stand and grabbing his clothes. 

“You should let Hermione in,” Remus said gruffly, “She’ll be worried,”

“I… Okay,” Sirius went up the stairs and cancelled all the spells on the door. Hermione ripped the door open, glaring at Sirius. 

“You scared the fuck out of me, Sirius Black!” She growled, pushing past him and down the stairs to Remus. “Are you alright? Did the Wolfsbane work?”

“Yes,” Remus said weakly. His trousers hung low on his hips and he was holding his shirt limply by his side. “Can one of you…?” He twitched the shirt in his hand and both Hermione and Sirius rushed forward. Sirius watched Hermione deftly button his shirt as Sirius helped support his body. The concern etched on her face was more than enough to convince Sirius once again that she fancied Remus. Unexpected pain built in his chest and he clenched his jaw, trying to force the unwanted feelings away. Hermione went to Remus’ left side and together they helped him upstairs to his room. 

“How are you feeling?” Hermione asked, gently, running a hand through his hair after they had helped him into bed. 

“Alright,” Remus muttered, eyes drifting closed. After several moments he added, “Really, Hermione. I’m alright.”

Hermione sighed and turned to look at Sirius, her lip worrying between her teeth. He felt a rush of longing to pull the lip from between her teeth with his own. He cleared his throat and nodded. Remus was fine, physically, and just needed rest. But Sirius knew Remus would have to decide what to do about Tonks soon. It was tearing him apart. Hermione reached out to Sirius and he instinctually wrapped her in his arms with a sigh. Holding her really was the best feeling in the world. But he knew it shouldn't be- couldn't be. She was much better suited for literally anyone else except him. Though that really didn't stop him from wanting her so much, and honestly, so desperately. He breathed in deep, trying to hold on to her and her scent as long as possible, just as she started to pull away. 

"I'm going to get you some food. I'll be back soon," Hermione pushed up on her toes and kissed him softly on the cheek. Sirius nodded and watched her leave. Remus was probably feeling what Sirius was right now, in his fight to stay away from Tonks, but multiplied a thousand times. Sirius definitely didn't envy him.

Hermione entered Remus’ room with a yawn. She’d been unable to sleep while Remus and Sirius were in the cellar, and the household had bombarded her with questions about Remus while she’d been downstairs that it had taken her over an hour to finally get away. 

Remus’ bed now had two people in it. Sirius was curled up close to the wall, facing his friend, asleep. Hermione paused, wondering if she should leave the two of them to sleep. 

“Come on,” a gruff voice muttered. Remus was holding up the duvet for her to climb in between them. 

“Oh, I-” Hermione blushed, embarrassed. 

“It’s just sleeping, Hermione,” Remus pushed himself up on an elbow, “I’m sure you know that he sleeps better with someone,” Remus said with a knowing look that only made Hermione blush deeper. “And right now we could all use the rest.” Then he gasped lightly, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to assume you’re comfortable with me or-” Remus frowned and pulled the duvet back down. 

“No! No,” Hermione shook her head, “That’s not it,” She toed off her shoes and climbed up the middle of the bed, crawling to lie between them. When she finally settled, she turned and met Remus’ eyes. 

“Hi,” He whispered. 

“Hi,” She whispered back. They took several deep breaths together. She wanted to say something but didn’t actually have anything to say. She was so happy he was okay and that the Wolfsbane had kept him from almost killing himself again. 

“Hermione-” Remus reached out and took her hand, “Thank you,” He said and he kissed the back of her hand gently before laying their hands back down on the bed, still twined together.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You’re there. You’re here,” Remus murmured. He was drifting off again. “You’re always here.”