SEVENTEEN
July 2nd, 1995
Hermione sat with Remus and Sirius in the library while the rest of the household busied themselves with settling in and getting ready for dinner. A thumping in the hallway made them all sit up to attention, wands in hand. They were all clearly having a hard time adjusting to the house being open to everyone. Alastor Moody threw the door open to the study with a small bang, a grin on his knarled face.
“Sirius Fucking Black!” He yelled. Upstairs, Hermione heard the portrait of Mrs Black start up her screaming. Moody thumped over and pulled Sirius into an unexpected hug while Remus and Hermione looked on in surprise.
“Oof!” Sirius returned the embrace stiffly. Just as quickly, Moody released him and walked away.
“Arthur and I are going to get Granger from her Muggle home. When I come back, Black, I expect a stiff fucking drink.” He left the room and Sirius turned to them, dumbstruck.
“Alastor Moody just hugged you,” Hermione stated, staring at him.
“When was the last time you saw him, Pads?” Remus asked, trying to hide a smirk.
Sirius frowned. “Before I was in Ministry custody? My last day on the job. We caught a couple of alleged Death Eaters.” Hermione’s mouth dropped open.
“You were an Auror!” Remus and Sirius chuckled at her expression.
“Thanks for the tone of surprise, Granger,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes and flopping back on the sofa. Remus followed suit and Hermione sat in the chair opposite them so she could continue to stare at Sirius.
“But- you have- I mean- the Black family fortune…” Hermione blushed and looked down. She hadn’t meant to comment on his wealth, but why would he have chosen such a difficult and hard-working job if he wasn’t really required to work? Sirius chuckled again.
“I didn’t get access to those vaults until my parents both died. And by then I was in Azkaban. My uncle did leave me some money so I bought a flat in Muggle London, but it wasn’t enough to live on forever. Besides, I liked having a job. Kept me busy. Unlike here.” Sirius sneered at the empty library. “I truly did love being an Auror,” he said wistfully. “I was the best of the trainees.” A look of sadness crossed his face and Hermione felt her heart drop. She swore to herself to give him back any life that he wanted. Maybe he’d want to go back to being an Auror once he was cleared.
“Poor Prongs. Merlin, he wished he was you sometimes,” Remus grinned at Sirius who smiled back.
“What did James do?” Hermione asked gently, not wanting to push either of them to a place where they were uncomfortable or overwhelmed. They both became sullen, even as she backpedalled. “You don’t have to talk about it if you’re uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s alright,” Remus assured her, “James was high up in the Order. Higher than Sirius or I. His parents were huge supporters of the cause before they died. They were older, but gods they had the money to back up their beliefs. They supported the Order almost singlehandedly with contributions. So James was often on missions with them while Sirius was working at the Ministry and I was…” Remus paused and took a deep breath, “Infiltrating the werewolves.” Sirius mumbled something under his breath and glared across the room at no one in particular. “And Lily, well, before she got pregnant with Harry, which a big surprise to us all, you should know, she was training to be Healer.” Hermione smiled at that and wondered if Harry knew. Sirius and Remus had so many stories of James and Lily that Harry deserved to know. She told them so and they both smiled sadly at her.
“I hope I will get the chance to do that,” Sirius murmured.
“You will,” Hermione and Remus said together. A comfortable silence fell over them and they sat there together. Hermione and Remus eventually pulling down books to read. Hermione didn’t miss Remus’ hand covering Sirius’ behind their knees. She’d had suspicions about their relationship and whether it had been more than friendship. She cleared her throat just as there was a loud bang and Mrs Black started screaming.
“Oh, that must be our younger Miss Granger,” Sirius grinned and hopped up and Hermione groaned. She had been dreading this moment.
Remus smiled at her as Sirius bounded down the stairs, “Are you going to be alright?” She nodded and bumped her shoulder with his. In reality, Hermione didn’t know if she was ready. It would be strange to see her younger self again and have to interact with her as Hestia. Hermione had braided her long, black hair down her back and she tugged on it nervously as they made their way to the kitchen.
Remus walked into the kitchen behind Hermione. He smiled politely at the younger version of the woman standing beside him.
“Sirius, Professor,” She smiled at him and Sirius as they sat at the end of the table.
“Hello, Hermione,” Remus nodded at her, “You can call me Remus. As I’ve told your friends, I haven’t been your professor for a few years now,” Young Hermione flushed and nodded quickly. “And this is Hestia Jones,” Remus gestured to Hermione with a smile. Hermione smiled nervously back, though he didn’t think anyone else noticed her anxiety.
“Nice to meet you,” Both Hermiones said at the same time. Remus chuckled and looked between them as an awkward silence filled the room.
“Oi! Cousin!” Everyone turned as a woman with bright, bubblegum pink hair entered the room. Remus' heart stopped. The wolf roared to life and Remus knew his eyes were immediately a shining silver. He looked down at the table quickly, trying to mask the change in his eyes. As he did, deep pain filled his chest. As soon as he looked back up at the woman, the pain receded and joy overcame him so intensely that tears prickled his eyes. Mine. The thought tore through his head as Sirius jumped up to hug the woman. Mine, mine, mine. Remus closed his eyes, trying to escape the thoughts invading his head from Moony. But again, the pain filled him and he had to look at her once more to stop it from tearing him apart. She glowed, she shone. Everyone and everything around her seemed dull and dank in comparison.
“This is Nymphadora Tonks, everyone!” Sirius announced to the room. Nymphadora. The name filled his head like poetry, a song, a promise. Nymphadora. He couldn’t think of anything else but the name and the woman it belonged to.
His heart pounded in his ears as she waved to the room. He wanted to protect her, claim her, mate with her. As he thought the words, Remus willed Moony out of his head. He couldn’t possibly mate with this woman. He didn’t even know her. But even as he felt his eyes change back, he couldn’t stop the feeling deep in his magic, in his soul, that this woman was his, forever.
“Sorry,” He grunted as he stood, “I’m not feeling too well. I’m going to go lie down.” As he tried to leave, Molly stepped in front of him.
“Feeling poorly, dear? Shall I send up some dinner for you?” Her kind eyes made a lump grow in his throat.
“That would be lovely, Molly, thank you,” He nodded at the room and walked toward the stairs, rushing when he was out of sight, trying to see through the tears and the agony that pierced him from having to leave her.
Remus wanted his mum. He hadn’t wanted his mum in many, many years. The last time he had wanted her this much was after his first transformation at Hogwarts when he was eleven. But he wasn’t eleven anymore and his mother was long dead. He didn’t have anyone to take care of him the way he wanted to be taken care of.
And still, he wanted his mum. He wanted to tell her about everything he was feeling and how confused and hopeless he felt. Hope Lupin had been a formidable woman. When Remus had been turned at the age of four, she never let him see the grief it brought her. She had loved her son unconditionally until the day she died of Muggle cancer.
Because she’d been married to a wizard, they had been able to bring Hope to St. Mungo’s as their last effort. But Muggle diseases like cancer didn’t afflict wizards, and they could do nothing to help her. The Healers had taught Remus and his father spells to make her comfortable and then sent her home. And even now, the callous indifference of the Healers infuriated him. There was nothing he could have done then, and nothing he could do now to bring her back and have her hold him.
A mate. He had found his mate. There wasn’t much lore on werewolf mates, as the packs were quite cautious about talking to wizards about it, and the Wizarding World classified werewolves as “beings” rather than people so no one cared enough to even do any research about it. All of the books Remus had read continuously slandered werewolves and their very existence. Most didn’t even come close to mentioning mates or werewolf bonds. There were several pairs of mates in the packs Remus had been in. But he hadn’t known- how could he have known- that this is what it felt like to meet your mate? It was like everything else had disappeared and all that had mattered was that she was safe and he was with her.
So there Remus was, brooding over his dead mother, brooding over his finding of a mate, and brooding over feeling so terribly alone. He couldn’t bear to look at Nymphadora again. It would be too much. The pain of not looking at her was just now starting to fade. Remus jumped at a knock on his door.
“Come in,” He croaked. He realized now that he’d been crying. Sirius shut the door behind him and sat next to Remus on the bed. Without a word, Sirius wrapped his arms around his best friend. They stayed like that for several moments before Remus finally spoke.
“Nymphadora is my mate,” He mumbled. Sirius pulled away, holding him by his shoulders.
“What?!”
“Yeah,” Remus said and then groaned. Sirius grinned at him.
“That’s amazing, Moony!” Remus started shaking his head, “No, it is! You’ve never thought this would happen, and it has.”
“Padfoot, she’s like ten years younger than me.”
“Thirteen.”
“Oh for Merlin’s sake,” Remus moaned and fell back on his bed, covering his face. “What am I supposed to do, Pads?” Remus waited while Sirius sprawled out beside him, “She’s everything to me now. It’s like the sun fucking exploded and now she’s the sun.”
Sirius laughed, “That’s some poetic shit, mate.”
“I know, I know, but that’s how it feels. It is ridiculous.” Remus turned on his side to look at Sirius, “I’ll never be the same again. I’m not with her now and it hurts. My heart hurts so much. It’s like my magic, my wolf, feels incomplete now. Fuck, how did I not realize it before? How empty I am?” Sirius stared sadly at him.
“I dunno, Moony. But you don’t have to be that way. You could talk to Tonks.”
“I can’t, Sirius. She’s young enough to be my… well… I don’t know. Not anything but she’s still too young. I can’t put this on her. I want her to have a choice, have a life. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve to be saddled with an old, poor, homeless werewolf. And I-” Sirius covered Remus’ mouth with his hand.
“Moony, stop. First off, you’re not homeless, you live here. You’re not old, mate. You’re thirty-six. You have a lot more years on you. And she would be lucky to be loved by you, Remus.” Sirius pushed Remus’ shoulder and laughed, “You need to get this out of your head.” Remus rolled his eyes and Sirius laughed again.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Remus grumbled. He knew he was acting like a petulant child, but he didn’t care. The pain in his chest was too much. All he wanted was to forget about it. To stop the deep yearning he felt in his magic and in his heart. He reached out to touch Sirius’ face. The other man let him, but stiffened.
“Moony,” Sirius murmured, “I don’t want to do this now.” Remus pulled quickly away and sat up. “No, Remus, don’t,” Sirius sat up too and moved close to him. “I just mean… you’ve just found your mate. You need time to process and I don’t think shagging me is going to fix whatever it is your feeling.”
“I thought that-” Remus flushed, “...You don’t want to do it again”
Sirius groaned, running his hands through his dark hair. His head stayed in his hands for several moments. “No,” He finally admitted, “No, I don’t.” Sirius looked up quickly and met Remus’ eyes. “But not because you’ve done anything. We’ve known from the beginning that we’ve done this because we’ve needed someone to be close to, but you’ve found your fucking mate, Moony. You don’t need this anymore. And I…” Sirius’ voice broke, “I don’t think I want to be used to ignore those feelings. Azkaban changed me, and I need time to figure things out, and I don’t think fucking you is going to help that anymore.” Sirius sighed and Remus felt his heart drop. He knew Sirius was right. “Besides, we haven’t in a long time.” Remus thought back to the last time, just after Sirius had shown up to his cottage two days after escaping Hogwarts. He’d been ragged, needy, almost broken. “I think we’ve both got shit to figure out. This wasn’t the healthiest of relationships to start with.”
Remus laughed, “Never thought you’d be the one talking about healthy relationships, Pads.” Remus moved over so Sirius could join him leaning against the headboard.
“Argh, I know. Hermione’s rubbing off on me.”
“Sirius, about Hermione…” Remus started. He guessed that it was another reason Sirius was breaking off the arrangement they’d had.
Sirius turned to look at him, “You should shag Hermione.”
“What?!” Remus asked, appalled. Sirius had just pushed him away because he wanted him to figure out this whole mate thing and now he was suggesting he sleep with Hermione? Remus didn’t know if it was some diversion tactic of Sirius’ to get over his feelings for her, or if he was being sincere.
Sirius nodded, face stern, “I mean it. I know she fancies you. And even if she didn’t, I think you could come to a… similar type of arrangement. It’s likely she knows Tonks is your mate anyway. She’s from the future, Moony.”
“I know very well where she’s from. I also know that she is also a fifteen-year-old girl that is sitting in our kitchen.” Remus bit out.
“Come on, you know they’re completely different people.”
“Stop, Sirius.”
“Moony-”
“I will not entertain this.”
“If you can’t shag me and you won’t shag your mate, might as well find someone to shag.”
“Hermione is her own person and can choose to shag me if she likes, but stop talking about it like it’s a done deal. Besides, you fancy her.”
Remus and Sirius stared at each other for several seconds. Sirius shook his head slowly and moved to get off the bed.
“Listen to me, Remus,” Sirius cupped either side of Remus’ face, “You are a wonderful man, who will make a wonderful mate. But if you’re determined to torture yourself, you might as well get out some of that frustration. Just talk to Hermione. Of course, I know she can make her own decisions, I’m sorry I said it like I did, but I really do think you should talk to her about it. Or, fuck, pop into some Muggle bars and chat a girl up.”
Remus groaned and shoved Sirius away from him.
“I’m just saying, Moony. A good shag will do you wonders. And this?” Sirius turned and looked back at him, “Is now off-limits,” Sirius laughed and left the room.
“Git.”