FOURTEEN
JUNE 30 1995
Hermione pulled back the duvet to climb into bed when there was a soft knock on the door. She called for them to come in and Sirius entered, pyjamas and dressing gown on. His hair was damp from his shower and falling a little into his face. Hermione smiled at him as his scent washed over her. Most of it was the products he’d used in the shower; all musk and cedar and sandalwood, but under it was the bit that smelled like the Gryffindor common room and the tiniest touch of cosy dog.
“You alright?” She asked him, eyes searching his face. After the long day of planning and errands, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus had all had a little too much to drink. After Remus had almost thrown up into a horrible looking vase, Hermione had insisted he go home. Remus hadn’t been able to keep up with the way Sirius and Hermione drank. Even now, they regarded each other soberly, clearly. Though she had the high tolerance, Hermione was feeling tired and vulnerable and she worried that Sirius felt the same.
“I’m…” Sirius ran his hands through his hair. She now knew this as his nervous habit and his biggest tell. “I don’t know. I want Harry safe. I don’t know how I’m feeling about Reg. And I’m just… worried about you.”
“Me?” Hermione scoffed at him, “Why are you worried about me?”
Sirius sighed, “You’ve got the whole of this on your shoulders and I just wish I could take some from you.”
“You are!” She insisted, moving to grab his hand, “I don’t feel alone in this, Sirius. I know you and Remus would do anything in the world to keep Harry safe.”
“And you,” Sirius mumbled under his breath. Hermione’s eyes widened and she quickly shoved down a response as he winced. “I mean it, Hermione. Moony and I would do anything to keep you safe. You’re… you’re family to us now.”
Hermione frowned, “I’ve been here a week, I don’t know why you feel-”
“Don’t you?” Sirius’ piercing grey eyes met hers and she blinked slowly up at him.
“I…” The past week had been one of the most confusing and challenging of her life. Yes, she’d travelled back in time and had been tasked with saving the wizarding world from devastating loss. But Sirius and Remus had opened their world to her. Walking in step with them, drinking tea at breakfast, listening to the wireless, it had all become seamless. Easy.
“Hermione, don’t tell me that you don’t-”
“I do. I feel that. I do,” She promised him. “But I’m here to save Harry. To save you and-”
“What about you, though? Don’t you matter? Don’t you get to live?” Sirius’ eyes were frantic, “What if you try to do all of these things and then you-”
“I won’t live unless all of you do.” Hermione deadpanned. “I didn’t live. I quit magic and left the wizarding world and I didn’t do anything, Sirius. I barely had friends, I barely had a life, I barely lived. For the first time in seven years, I am finally doing something besides going through the motions of surviving. Merlin, I am using magic again and I didn’t realize how empty I felt without it. Whatever happens here, it’s better than where I came from.”
Sirius’ brow furrowed in sympathy and Hermione resisted the urge to touch the wrinkles that formed there, “I’m sorry you had to live like that.”
“‘S’alright. I’m sure it doesn’t compare to-” she gestured at him.
“To Azkaban? No. Maybe not. But it still wasn’t a happy life.”
“Now we’re here though.” Hermione shot him an unsure grin, “And I don’t know about you, but I am happy about that.” Sirius smiled back and pulled her into a hug. Hermione buried her face into his chest, arms looping around to rest on the centre of his back. She took a deep breath, remembering all those time she’d been aching for a true friend, a family, for the past several years. She couldn’t help but feel that this had always been the universe’s plan. Sirius, Remus, and her. Their own weird little family.
Sirius rested his head on top of hers and let out a sigh.
“We should get some rest. Harry is going home tomorrow and I want to figure out this plan as soon as possible.” Hermione reluctantly pulled out of his grasp and shrugged her shoulders. “The Polyjuice should be ready in a few days, thanks to Remus getting the pre-stewed lacewing flies. Everything is falling into place. We just have to Dumbledore on board as soon as we can.”
“Tomorrow we’ll finalize everything,” Sirius promised, “And we will get Harry here.”
Hermione nodded, pushing herself on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. “We will get Harry here.” She still held on to his hand and whispered, “Do you- do you mind… staying?” She felt a flush creep up her cheeks, cursing the firewhiskey still coursing through her veins. Sirius’ shoulders relaxed and he smiled.
“Of course.”
“Come on then.” They both climbed into bed.
“So… you’re going to put the polyjuice in…. What did you call them? Capsules?”
“Yeah. Remus and I did some tests today. It will make it more potent if we transfigure it into powder.”
“Like cocaine?”
“What ?” Hermione propped herself up on her elbow, gazing down at him. Her plaited hair fell over her shoulder.
“Oh come on, Hermione. You can expect me to not know about cocaine.”
“No, but,” Even in the dark he knew she rolled her eyes, “you know what cocaine is but not tablets.”
“I never said it was a good thing.”
“Merlin, Sirius,” Hermione flopped down next to him again, linking her hand with his. Neither wanted to bring up whatever… this was. They both needed it. They both enjoyed it. So why ruin it? Neither had made a move to do anything more than hold one another in their sleep.
Sirius knew she was asleep when he heard her heartbeat slow. He sat up and looked down at her. She looked so much younger when she slept. No lines of constant worry etched across her face. No anxious clenched jaw. Her fists were unfurled from the small fists they were usually balled in.
In the darkness, his animagus eyes made it easy for him to see the small curls that had escaped her braid. He reached over a brushed a few from her forehead.
He so desperately wanted to brush his lips against hers, but of course, he could not. Not ever. Especially not while she was asleep. And even while awake… he was too old. Too broken. Too wrong for her. The twelve years in Azkaban had damaged him irreparably. Watching James and Lily die, Peter framing him, watching his friends in the Auror department throw themselves into danger over and over again for the past decade wasn’t something he could forget. His dreams were usually the sound of Harry crying the night James had died.
But he wasn’t there now. He was in bed with the only person besides Moony and Harry that made him want to live. He felt like he could stare at her for hours. So he did.
Bah dum, bah dum bahdum bahdumbahdum
Hermione’s heart rate climbed quickly and Sirius touched her then, hands framing her face. She’d had these nightmares every night since she’d arrived at Grimmauld Place. All her attempts to keep him from worrying about her had failed, especially when they started sleeping in the same bed.
She let out a terrified whimper and his heart sank. He couldn’t bear it - her in pain.
“Hermione,” They whispered her name at the same time. He paused. She shook violently, her heart rate climbing higher. “I’m Hermione!” She cried. Her hands clapped swiftly to her face and before he could react, she raked her hands down her face, cutting lines into her skin with her nails.
“Hermione!” He grabbed her hands and her eyes flew open and she let out a gasp of pain. Without a word, she pushed him away and he leapt back, giving her space. She sprinted to the mirror and stared at her face. She burst into tears, hands going to her heart.
“Oh god, oh god, that’s me. I’m-” She broke off, sobbed ripping from her throat. Sirius walked up behind her slowly, as not to startle her. Sometimes after a nightmare, she wanted him to hold her and sometimes she couldn’t bear to be touched - shaking and crying when he got close but begging him to stay.
Sirius wasn’t sure what she needed, so he waited a small distance behind her. Her hand reached back and he grabbed it without hesitation.
“My face- that’s- my face,” Hermione said through her sobs.
“It’s okay! I can fix it, I can heal it-”
“No!” She smiled shakily up at him while trying to stifle her cries. “It’s good, it’s my face. My nightmare, I was- I was Bellatrix.”His eyes widened and she covered her mouth. She’d said something she hadn’t meant to.
“What ?!” Sirius exclaimed.
“I-I- yes. The last time I took Polyjuice Potion, I became her,” A shudder ran through her, “I was dreaming I was stuck like her-”
“But why?” Sirius asked, moving back to sit on the edge of the bed.
“I… well, the cup is in her vault…”
“But how did you get her hair?” Sirius said soberly. Any trace of firewhiskey gone from his system. Hermione closed her eyes and shook her head. “You promised no more secrets, Hermione.”
“I can’t.” She said through clenched teeth. The worry lines were back on her face.
“Hermione-” his tone softened and he could help the concern he knew was written all over his face. “I didn’t mean to-” He ran his fingers through his hair, “I just think talking about it might help.”
“Fuck off,” she hissed, her eyes opening in slits to glare at him.
“I just mean… that’s what Muggles say. That’s what Lily always said,” his heart clenched at the mention of her name.
“You’re one to fucking talk,” she snarled at him.
“I-” He groaned, “I’ll talk if you talk.” He blurted it out and regretted it immediately.
“What?” Her eyes widened slightly.
“I’ll-” He swore, “If you talk about whatever it is, I will talk about Azkaban and Wormtail and Lily and- and James,” He winced.
“You-” She unclenched and clenched her fists, shaking her head, “You’d do that?”
“I…” Sirius shrugged, “Yeah. For you.”
“But…” She shook her head again, “That’s not fair. If you want to talk about it, you should. If you don’t want to-” Sirius sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Merlin, woman, I don’t want to talk about anything.”
“But then why-”
“Because Lily always said it made it better. And that’s what Muggles believe. Anyway, it’s not like either of us can pop over to a Mind Healer at St. Mungo’s. We need help, Hermione. So maybe this will help both of us.” Hermione just blinked at him.
“How-” Her eyebrows knit in confusion, causing a drop of blood to drip further down her face. “When did you start saying wise things?”
“Maybe I have always been wise, love.”
“Oh, please,” Hermione rolled her eyes. Drops of blood pooled in the hollow of her throat.
“Can I heal your face?” Sirius asked gently. She flinched but nodded. After a few waves of his wand, she was good as new.
“Thank you.” She sat down on the bed and rubbed her face. “So, well.” Hermione took a deep shuddering breath. “I was captured. We all were. Ron, Harry, and I were on the run looking for Horcruxes and we were taken to Malfoy Manor. It’s where the Death Eaters made their headquarters. Harry and Ron were put in the cellar and I-” Her breath hitched and her hand reached out for Sirius’. He grabbed it quickly. “I was sent to Bellatrix.”
Sirius ground his teeth and forced himself not to interrupt her.
“She took me away from them. Demanded Ito know where I’d gotten the Sword of Gryffindor from since it was supposed to be in her vault. I… I didn’t tell her. I lied and she knew. So she tortured me. For what felt like hours. And also minutes. I have no idea how long it really was.”
Sirius nodded at her and squeezed her hand lightly. He knew what that felt like. How torture warped time. Especially Bella’s.
“I…” Hermione’s voice caught and she cleared her throat. “When I wouldn’t talk she left me to… to the others. And Greyback… He- I don’t know… He-” Sirius opened his mouth to tell her she didn’t have to say, but she shook her head at him. “Don’t. I need…” Her deep chocolate eyes met his shining grey ones. Sirius almost couldn’t stand to look into them. The pain and terror that shone there hurt him to his core. “Fenrir Greyback raped me,” Hermione whispered softly. Her voice broke, but no tears ran from her eyes. Instead, her jaw was set in determination. “And while… when he was…” She flinched and closed her eyes, “ Bellatrix continued to torture me while he raped me.”
Sirius could hardly breathe. Hot rage filled him. He would fucking kill them. His cunt cousin. Rip them both limb from limb. Sirius watched silently as Hermione rolled up her sleeve. He now couldn’t help but see the slur written there. Mudblood.
Hermione took a breath and placed her arm in his open hand. Sirius brushed his thumb over the letters. Shuddering, Hermione began to cry. It was the first time anyone had ever touched this scar, besides Fleur when she was trying to heal it and that was an excruciating process.
Sirius pulled away, “I’m sorry, I didn’t-”
“No, no, it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt.”
“Okay.”
Hermione swiped a hand over her face, “Sirius it always hurts. It throbs and aches all the time.” She grabbed his hand and placed it over the vicious scar, so it was covered by his calloused hand. All she could see was her pale skin now. “It doesn’t hurt when you touch it. Why?”
“Hermione, I-” Sirius realized he was crying. “Oh,” he said when a tear fell from his face. He looked down, ashamed, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to-” Hermione put her hands on the side of his face, wiping the tears that fell.
“I’m okay,” She whispered, “I’m okay.” Sirius reached up and caught her tears with his fingers too. “I’m okay and she dies. And this time, I am going to be the one that fucking kills her.”
Sirius didn’t flinch, “I’d love to help if you’ll let me. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I know what Bella’s torture feels like. And I know it doesn’t mean anything but I am sorry, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And Greyback-”
Hermione sniffed, “I almost- I dunno. I thought it would be rather easy to go insane. It would have been easier, certainly. It would have stopped finally, you know? To let my mind go so that I wasn’t there anymore.”
“Why didn’t you?” Sirius asked softly.
“Harry.” A small smile played across her face. “And Ron, I suppose. I knew they would find a way to get me out.”
“Do they-did they… know?”
“No!” Hermione said quickly, “Merlin, no.”
“Did anyone?”
Hermione shook her head, “I think Fleur suspected. There are some pretty bad scars along my hips that are quite telling. But besides me and the other Death Eaters in the room, no. Well, and you.”
“And me.”
“Yeah,” She paused for several long moments. “You have to promise you won’t tell Remus. If Remus finds out that Greyback…” She trailed off and looked pleadingly at Sirius.
He nodded, “I won’t tell him.”
“Thank you.” Hermione put her hand on his face, “And thank you for taking some of it.”
Sirius’ eyebrows knitted together, “Some of what?”
“My burden.”
“Oh,” his lips quirked, “anytime.”
Hermione lent back against the pillows and Sirius fell back with her. “It’s your turn,” Hermione whispered as she buried her face in his shoulder. He grimaced and wrapped his arm around her.
“Well, I mean, I was in Azkaban for 12 years. There’s not too much to say except that it was horrible.”
“But- Dementors… After everything at the manor, I know what they did to me, so I can’t even imagine what you went through- being exposed to them for so long.”
“It was easier as Padfoot. Dementors can’t affect animals the same way. I couldn’t be him all the time though. There were always Aurors patrolling so I had to make sure they didn’t find out I was an Animagus. Plus, it can be difficult to sustain when you’re weak and don’t have a lot of magic. Still, the conditions were…” Sirius shivered and pulled Hermione closer to him. “Not ideal.”
“What do you mean?” Hermione asked in a whisper.
“I was in a Sky Cell.” He couldn’t help the cold seeping into his bones. “It’s at the highest level of Azkaban. All the cells have two walls and a cell door.”
“What?” Hermione hissed, sitting up to look down at him, “You mean the fourth wall-”
“Nothing. There’s nothing. Just the sky. And below that, the sea.”
“I didn’t know anything like that existed…” Hermione said, horrified. Sirius continued to shiver and she culled up next to him again.
“I kept wishing I was a bird and not a dog.” Sirius looked down at her sadly, “They had a chain around my ankle so that I couldn’t kill myself by jumping off. I could, of course, slip out of it as a dog. I wanted to jump so many times. It would have been so easy.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Harry, obviously.” Sirius took a deep breath, “I could hear James and Lily asking me to take care of him. Over and over again. And I let them down.”
“No, Sirius-”
“I did, Hermione. I acted rashly and then I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.”
“But you will be,” Hermione held him tighter.
“I will certainly try.” Sirius buried his face in Hermione’s hair. “But I couldn’t escape the memories. I don’t know if you know that I saw them, that night. I went to the cottage to get Harry and I saw them. Lily was in front of Harry’s crib, protecting him. And James-” Sirius closed his eyes, shaking. Now that he had started talking, he couldn’t stop. “He was right next to the steps, in front of the door. He didn’t even have his wand on him. His eyes were open. I-” Sirius took a shuddering breath, “I saw them over and over again. And I could always, always hear Harry crying.”
Hermione wiped her face, trying to stop the tears from dripping onto Sirius’ chest. “That’s horrible,” She whispered.
“I want to do right by them.”
“You will, love.”
“Help me-” Sirius’ voice broke, tears pouring down his face.
“I will. I have a plan.” Hermione told him, moving to cradle his face. “I have a plan, love. A plan to set you free.”