NOT YOUR UBER

A fancy restaurant parking lot, late at night

Love, dressed in a designer outfit, walks out of a high-end restaurant, phone in hand. She’s visibly annoyed, aggressively texting her best friend.)

Love: "I swear, if that Uber doesn’t show up in the next two minutes, I’m reporting them. Who do they think I am? Some random peasant who waits?"

(She glances around and sees a sleek black car parked at the curb.)

Love: "Ugh, finally."

(Yanks open the door and slides in.)

Milk, in the driver’s seat, who looks up from her coffee, completely caught off guard.

Milk: "...What the fu—"

Love: (not looking up from her phone) "Drive."

(Milk blinks. Once. Twice. Processing. Then turns in her seat.)

Milk: "Okay, one, who the hell are you? Two, get out."

Love: (finally looking up, irritated) "Excuse me? You’re my Uber, right? Stop wasting time and GO."

(Milk exhales slowly, debating whether or not to throw this random girl out of her car.)

Milk: "I am NOT your Uber. This is my car. You—"

(Love, without even glancing at her, raises a hand dismissively.)

Love: "Shut up and drive."

(Beat. Milk stares at her. Looks at the road. Looks at Love. Back at the road.)

Milk: (muttering) "You know what? Fine. Let’s see how this plays out."

(Milk puts the car in drive and casually pulls out of the parking lot. Love, still glued to her phone, remains blissfully unaware that she’s not in an Uber but in some random woman’s car.)

The Realization Hits Midway into the drive

(Love, finally putting her phone down, glances outside and frowns.)

Love: "Wait. Where are we going?"

(Milk casually sips her coffee, eyes on the road.)

Milk: "Oh, I don’t know. I figured I’d just drive around until you noticed."

(Silence. Love blinks. Processing. Then—her eyes widen in absolute horror.)

Love: "YOU'RE NOT MY UBER?!"

Milk: "Ding ding ding, we have a winner."

(Love slams a hand over her mouth like she’s about to scream. She dramatically clutches her designer bag.)

Love: "OH MY GOD, I’M BEING KIDNAPPED—"

(Milk slams the brakes. The car jerks forward, sending Love flying slightly into the dashboard.)

Milk: "Kidnapped?! GIRL, YOU GOT INTO MY CAR. I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS EITHER!"

(Love gasps like she just realized she’s in the presence of an unwashed commoner.)

Love: "Then why the hell did you DRIVE?!"

Milk: (deadpan) "Because you told me to."

(Silence. Love stares at her, speechless for the first time in her life.)

Love: "…That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard."

Milk: "Oh? Says the girl who got into a stranger’s car without checking the license plate?"

(Beat. Love looks away, muttering.)

Love: "…It was a fancy car. I assumed."

Milk: (mocking) "Oh, of course. My mistake. Fancy car equals Uber. That’s totally how that works."

Some random street where Milk pulled over to drop her off

(Milk gestures to the door.)

Milk: "Alright, princess. Get out."

(Love stares at the dark, empty street.)

Love: "Where even are we?!"

Milk: "Far from your entitled ass. Now leave."

(Love scoffs, crossing her arms.)

Love: "You’re abandoning me here?!"

Milk: "You’re not a lost puppy. You have a phone. Use it."

(Love glares, but her phone suddenly dies.)

(Silence. She slowly looks up at Milk.)

Love: "…So, hypothetically speaking, if I had no phone, no Uber, and no idea where I am, what would happen?"

(Milk stares at her. Then, in the most exaggerated way possible, starts rolling up the car window.)

Milk: "Not my problem."

(Love slams her hand against the window before it fully closes.)

Love: "WAIT!"

(Milk groans, resting her forehead against the steering wheel.)

Milk: "I hate my life."

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The two of them, awkwardly sitting in the car, as Milk reluctantly drives Love home.

Love: (grinning) "See? You are my Uber."

Milk: (dead inside) "I hope your mansion burns down."

They have reached Love’s ridiculous mansion

(Milk pulls up in front. Love, satisfied, opens her designer bag and casually throws a wad of cash into the passenger seat.)

Love: "For your troubles."

(Milk stares at the money. Then at Love. Then back at the money.)

Milk: "…You do know I can just take this and never see you again, right?"

(Love smirks, stepping out of the car.)

Love: "You say that, but we both know you’re gonna be here tomorrow."

(She winks and struts off.) (Milk watches her go. Then sighs, shaking her head.)

Milk: (to herself) "I am NOT getting involved with this rich brat."

(Beat. She looks at the cash.)

Milk: "…Then again."