Reconnection
The boggart had simply disappeared. Dazai blinked incredulously and felt the stares of his classmates burning into the back of his head. The rest of the class broke into murmurs, gossiping not only about their professor’s fear, but also his. Or rather, Dazai mused, his apparent lack of one. He stared at his hands, unwilling to face anyone at the moment. Did he truly not fear anything?
That wasn’t true, Dazai was sure that he had felt fear before. Whether it be one of Mori’s punishments or the sound of the dogs in the kennel, if there was one emotion Dazai was sure he had felt it would be terror. But then again, what if he was just imagining his feelings. Mori had told him about his tendencies to hallucinate. Or that could have just been an excuse to pump him full of drugs. Could it be a side-effect of No Longer Human? Dulling his once there emotions, slowly stripping him of what makes him human until there is nothing but a shell of him left?
Then that left the question of the boggart. Dazai didn’t even touch it, and he was under the impression that he needed to make contact with something in order for his nullification to activate. So maybe he did truly feel nothing. It was the same dilemma with the mirror. Did he truly desire nothing, or was it his ability preventing him from seeing his greatest wish?
He stared blankly at where the night sky has just covered the classroom, where the dim glow of the moon had illuminated the room. What a strange fear, he thought. Then it hit him. Dazai shook his head, snapping himself out of his previous thoughts about his humanity and fears.
He realized the reason why whenever he stood near Professor Lupin, his ability buzzed beneath his skin, more so than just the normal reaction to wizards. The fear of the moon, the scars on his face, the strange magical signature, all of it pointed to one obvious conclusion. His teacher was a werewolf.
A hand touched his shoulder, and it took everything in him to not jump at the sudden contact. He turned and saw Blaise’s worried expression.
“Dazai, are you alright? You’ve been quiet for too long,” Blaise murmured, his hand still resting on Dazai’s arm.
Dazai tried his best to give what he thought was a reassuring smile, but Blaise noticed the juxtaposition of the previous blank look on his face from the wide smile he had now.
“Don’t worry about little old me, Blaise. Just thinking about how silly Professor Lupin’s fear was,” he chirped. Blaise looked at him like he didn’t quite believe him, but to Dazai’s relief he didn’t press the topic anymore, just left a reassuring touch on his arm and smiled in that calm way of his. Now that Dazai was out of his stupor, he noticed just how loud the classroom still was. How soft had he gotten that he didn’t notice something like that. Admonishing himself silently for his moment of weakness, Dazai listened to what his classmates were saying.
“Was professor’s fear the night-?”
“Can you believe it? The demon has no fear-”
“I know it’s so scary-”
“Or maybe Professor Lupin’s boggart was the darkness-”
“I think it was the moon-”
Dazai was overwhelmed by the cacophony around him and was on the verge of just standing up and leaving the classroom. Suddenly, a loud BANG reverberated around the classroom. Immediately, everyone stopped talking and turned to the front, where their professor stood, holding one of the books that he just slammed shut.
“Alright, I think that we’re done with Boggarts and riddiklus for today. Just know that this will be on your final exams. Now, let’s move on to-”
Dazai zoned out for the rest of the lesson, too drained to actually pay attention to anything. He would just copy Blaise’s notes later, and it wasn’t like he was going to do any homework anyways. Dazai spent the rest of the class, thinking about how he was going to get people to hate him more. Sirius Black breaking out of Azkaban really messed up his plans, but Mori-san would just have to wait a little bit more. He only noticed that the class ended when everyone started standing up and gathering they’re things. He ignored the concerned looks he got from Pansy and Draco, and rushed to the door, eager to leave the classroom.
“Mr. Dazai, would you stay after class for a few minutes,” Professor Lupin called over. Dazai groaned in annoyance and told Blaise he better wait for him so that they could go to charms together. He was not in the mood to get lost today, let alone talk to a professor outside of class hours, but it could serve well to gather some more information on his newest teacher.
Dazai walked over to where Lupin stood, already dreading what he would want to talk about, but he morphed his face into his most innocent smile, practically beaming at the teacher. “Hi Professor! What was it that you needed to talk about?” Dazai knew he would be questioned about the boggart, but that didn’t make it any more bearable.
Lupin stared back at him, a strange expression on his face. “Mr. Dazai,” he began, “I have noticed how many of the students seem to pick on you, and many even try to physically harm you. I just wanted to remind you that Hogwarts does not tolerate bullying, and if anyone bothers you, you can always come to me or any of the other teachers and we will help you. Unlike your previous DADA teacher, I have been made aware of the events leading to Quirrell’s death, and none of it is your fault.” Dazai stared at Lupin, completely gobsmacked at the direction of the conversation. That was not what he expected at all.
Dazai chose his words carefully, unsure of what to say. “Thank you for your concern, sir, but there’s no need to be worried about me! I have everything handled. Also, after killing the Basilisk, less people hate me, and many even think I’m a hero,” he chuckled. “No one is picking on me sir, so you don’t have to be troubled on my behalf,” he twirled the quill in his hands, carefully watching Lupin’s expression. He doubted that was everything the man wanted to say to him but decided that he would cut him off before he could ask anything else. “So, if that’s all, may I be dismissed?”
Remus stared at the boy in front of him, unable to read much about him. Before he arrived at the school, he had heard rumors about the “Demon student”, thinking it strange how such a young boy could be feared and hated to the extent that Dazai was. Then after Minerva explained how the boy only killed his professor in self-deface after finding out he was a Death Eater; Remus couldn’t help but feel a grudging sort of respect for the boy. Even though it tarnished his reputation, Dazai hindered one of His followers, and for that he deserved credit. He also was quite concerned about the bandage adorning his face, partially covered by his hair.
And then Remus looked into his eye. What he saw was a hole, devoid of all light. No, it was a black hole, sucking in all the light that got near it, never allowing for an escape. He couldn’t even see where the pupil and iris started. Remus had never seen eyes like that before, not even in the first war, not even in the eyes of those tortured by the Dark Lord and His followers, not even by the aforenoted people. Remus was suddenly filled with gratitude that one of them was covered by a bandage. Looking into that eye, Remus viscerally understood how people could call such the boy a demon. At that moment, the smile on the boy’s face looked hollow, and he looked like he had crawled his way out of hells gates.
He averted his gaze, instead focusing on the milky white of the bandages. Looking at that, Remus suddenly felt a rush of shame. When he saw the other side of Dazai’s face, all he could see was an injured child, dealt a horrible hand in life. He should not feel relived about him having to cover one of his eyes, because Remus was sure whatever must have caused his to have to wear it permanently must have been horrible.
Remus also felt saddened by the way Dazai spoke, how resigned he was to being hated by all of his peers, even managing to keep a bright expression on his face. Remus now felt absolutely sick about the way he was just thinking about the boy. “Of course, you may leave now. Thank you for staying to chat for a bit.” He watched sadly as the boy left his classroom, completely repulsed with his thoughts. Remus knew better than anyone just how terrible it was to be judged, how horrible and dehumanizing it could be to be called a monster. Of all people, he should not be discriminating anyone.
Remus needed a distraction from the disgust he felt and decided to start grading his student’s paper. As he did that, he completely forgot the main reason he decided to call Dazai over, the curiosity of the incident with the boggart forgotten amidst his self-loathing.
Severus sat in his classroom, brewing wolfsbane potion for Lupin. He was brewing potion for Remus Lupin. The man who was complacent in his friend’s torment of Severus. The man who had almost killed him all those years ago. Before Lupin was hired, Severus was forced by Dumbledore to have a conversation with him, to discuss their youth. And so, they did talk, alone in Severus’ office with two bottles of firewhiskey. At first, it was silent, and the room was thick with tension. The two men drank from their cups, knowing that they probably couldn’t be sober for a conversation like this. Lupin spoke first, and explained his perspective on their school days, and what had happened to him after the war
Severus listened to Lupin talking about his friends, how even though he didn’t approve of them bullying people, he did nothing to stop it. He was a werewolf, Lupin explained, and his friends knew about it. Even though he knew they would never judge or expose him for it, he still had a deeply hidden fear about them telling everyone if he told them off for it. He also thought that Severus was a bigot, which he couldn’t argue with. Lupin explained how he had no idea about the Prank, and that he was furious with Sirius afterwards. Not only could he have ended up harming or even killing someone, but he also loathed how lightly Sirius took using his unwitting friend as a weapon. Even so, they eventually made up, but their relationship was never the same as it was before.
In turn, Severus explained his childhood, how his father beat him and how he lived in poverty, having to wear his mother’s clothes. He explained how much being constantly bullied for things that he couldn’t control, such as his slightly effeminate features or lack of wealth. And then he talked to him about Lily. Lily whom he loved more than anyone else in this life. How terrible he felt after he called her a slur, after losing her friendship. But he also understood that he was prejudiced and a horrible person. He told Lupin about how he ended up joining the Death eaters, warning Dumbledore when he heard of Lily being killed, and ending up as a double agent. Severus knew that none of those things excused his action, but they did offer an explanation.
After that, he and Lupin ended up drinking together often, not yet friends, but slowly becoming more friendly with each other. The two men were some of the last people alive from their school days and often told stories about people long gone. Severus heard a lot about Lupin and Blacks friendship and how the other man was still affected by his betrayal. Begrudgingly, he started to enjoy Lupins company, so he wouldn’t complain about having to make wolfsbane.
He heard a knock on his door, and he put away his ingredients, tidying up the space, calling for his visitor to enter. Minerva stood in the doorway, her long robes trailing behind her. Severus gave her a rare smile and led her to his office where he had a kettle of hot tea ready. They sat facing each other, while Severus poured the tea into the delicate China in front of them. The two often sat together and drank tea to gossip or discuss more serious topics. But after Dumbledore’s death, Minerva was far busier than she had been before, now that she was the headmistress, so they hadn’t had the chance to meet so far this school year.
“Minerva, how have things been going as the headmistress? I understand that you have many responsibilities to attend too, and I can’t even imagine how impacted you must be by Albus’s death,” he said, looking sympathetically at the woman in front of him. While he might have not had any love for the man, he knew that even while he was a student himself, Minerva and Albus had been close friends. Even though she put on a strong front, he could see just how much she was grieving the loss of one of her dearest friends. Minerva lost many people in her life, watching as almost a whole generation of her students died prematurely in the war, and he was worried by how badly she would be affected by Albus dying.
“Thank you for your concern, but I have been handling myself well. Work keeps me busy, and my mind off of saddening things. I still miss him dearly though.” Severus and Minerva continued their routine conversations about school and curriculums until the topic shifted over to Dazai.
“I truly am concerned for him Severus, and I genuinely have no clue what to do. After what poppy… after all she told us, I’m not sure if I should be trying to help him or just expel him from our school. A Mafioso! And yet he is but a 13-year-old boy,” she gripped the handle of the teacup she was holding tightly, a frustrated expression on her face. “He’s just so young Severus, no matter how troubled he may be. And I’ve seen him with his group of friends. He’s done so much good too.” Severus had rarely seen her in such a state, so distraught on what she should do.
“I know. I’m also worried for his homelife. The things he says, mentioning depraved punishments so casually, as if they are nothing new. And that’s just what he’s told us, because Merlin knows how little he trusts authority figures!” Severus said angrily, staring into his cup of tea. He agreed with all that she said, but still wondered just how he could help such a troubled young boy, or if he even could at this point. After Poppy’s death he just couldn’t go on so happily anymore. So he and Minerva drank their tea in silence, pondering about just how much their lives could change in a few years.