Remus wasn’t happy. He sometimes felt happy, for brief and passing moments. But he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sure if he ever had been truly and completely happy. Not when ugly scars adorned his entire body, another reminder that he would never be normal. That he would never truly fit in, anywhere.
James made him happy. Lily made him happy. His friends all made him feel happy when he was with them, but he had an ache. It felt as if there was a hole in his heart, growing bigger and bigger with every passing minute, he was afraid that the ache would one day take over. That all he’d feel was sad and emptiness.
He was alone in the dorms, hiding behind the curtains that he had pulled around his bed, looking down at the scars on his stomach. He hated them, more than anything. If he listened, he could hear his friends down the stairs, laughing and having a good time. He should join them. But he can’t. He doesn’t fucking want to. Because how is it fair that they can all have good lives whilst he’s stuck in this shit one.
Most days, he’s angry. Angry at the world, at his friends, at his professors, his parents, the older boys who continuously pick on him and call him ‘looney Lupin’. He’s angry at himself, too. Because he doesn’t fight back. He lets it happen and acts like it doesn’t bother him, he doesn’t let his friends talk to him about it, ever.
The bathroom door opens, he doesn’t see it, but he hears it. And he recognises the foot steps to be that of Sirius Black, his best friend. God, he would just die of embarrassment if Sirius opened his curtains and saw him crying like a baby about his scars.
Sirius was a mystery, much like himself. He talked a lot, but somehow nothing he said felt real. Remus wondered if Sirius was keeping a secret too, if he was just as scared as he was that the whole world would find out. Because if anyone did find out, they’d want him dead.
But then, Remus heard sniffling and the sound of choked sobs. Sirius was.. crying? He heard the bed opposite him creak and Sirius throw himself onto it, probably shoving his face into his pillow to cry. He’d probably just assumed Remus was sleeping, how was he supposed to know what Remus was actually doing?
For some reason, Remus crept out of his bed, slowly opening his curtains and coming out of his blanket and pillow filled hideaway. Sirius hadn’t pulled his curtains, he only pulled them when he was changing or for the first few weeks after each holiday where they’d return home. He was always strange for those first couple of weeks back, though he never told anyone why.
“Sirius?” He mumbled, quickly wiping his face with his sleeve and looking down to check his shirt was pulled all the way down and covering his stomach.
He watched as Sirius’ whole body tensed, before he wiped his face on the pillow and looked up at Remus- all teary eyed and red in the face.
“R-Remus?” He whispered, voice croaking and breaking, more tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
Remus looked around nervously, before sitting on the bed beside him. “Are you alright?” He asked, voice quiet, because he too was afraid that if he spoke any louder, he’d turn into a sobbing mess.
Sirius nodded quickly, both of them knew he was lying. Remus looked at him, properly, and noticed he was only wearing boxers. He pulled a confused face but before he could inspect what he thought were scars on the back of his thighs and calves, Sirius was hiding them under his blanket.
Remus was sure he had seen scars. But, since when was Sirius scarred like he was? They didn’t look as deep as the ones that covered Remus, they looked practiced and perfect. He could only wonder where they’d come from, and if he had any more hidden beneath his clothes.
“What?” Sirius spat, suddenly, sitting up and wiping his nose.
Remus shook his head, “I’m not trying to be rude…” He mumbled and opened his mouth to question the scars on his legs, but he couldn’t quite find the right way to ask. So instead, he did something so utterly stupid he could die.
He lifted up his shirt, turning so Sirius could see the scars on his back, which weren’t as bad as the ones on his stomach, but were definitely noticeable. He knew the moment that Sirius saw them all, because he felt cold fingers tracing along them. Sirius touched him gently, so gently it made Remus’ eyes well with tears. Because he was ugly, his scars were ugly and that made him hideous. So why was Sirius touching him with such care?
“Remus…” Sirius managed to speak, voice just as gentle as the fingers on Remus’ back. “Do- do your parents punish you like this?” He asked, voice filled with fear, trembling because he knew he shouldn’t really be asking this.
Remus’ jaw dropped, was this Sirius’ big secret? Was it the reason he hated going back home in the holidays? The reason why he had never really spoken about his family.
He turned back around, pulling his shirt down as he did, shaking his head at Sirius with a shocked look on his face. Sirius’ empathy filled expression turned to complete terror. Remus completely understood that feeling, he had just exposed himself, and he probably felt so weak and defenceless.
“Do…” He exhaled, building up the courage, “Do your parents hurt you?” He asked, and Sirius just looked down, shrugging.
“Only if I misbehave.” Sirius admitted, “But… their rules change all the time, so I never really know how to not upset them.” Remus had heard Sirius when he was sad before, but he had never seen him look so small and scared.
He pulled his legs from out of the blankets, allowing Remus to see the burns and other scars that covered the back of his legs. Remus couldn’t stop staring at them, he knew he should look away, but he couldn’t. It terrified him, how he and Sirius had both shown each other the most raw and real parts of themselves.
“I’m sorry.” Remus said, looking back up at him. “You don’t deserve that, nobody does.”
Sirius chuckled dryly, shrugging again. “I am a pretty rubbish son.”
Remus smiled, reaching out to put his hand atop of Sirius’. “Well, you’re the best friend I could ask for.” Sirius smiled back at him, Remus didn’t mention the tears that he noticed growing in his friend’s eyes at the comment.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius nodded his head in Remus’ direction, “I don’t know how you got yours, but I’m sorry you have them.” He looked at their hands, “You’re still just as handsome.” He smirked, tone a little more teasing, like Remus was used to. Remus laughed, shoving his friend’s shoulder gently.
The two boys had fallen asleep on Sirius’ bed by the time Peter and James returned. If they thought it was strange, they didn’t mention it the next day, except for a few wiggly eyebrows from James.
Maybe Remus wasn’t happy all of the time, but the ache inside of him seemed to heal with each moment he spent with Sirius Black. He wondered if Sirius had an ache of his own, wondered if maybe he helped fix the ache in Sirius’ heart?
But they were only thirteen, they had a lot of time to figure out why they didn’t want to look at girls or why they felt so funny around each other.