It always started the same way. Remus in his childhood bedroom, sleeping peacefully under his sheets. He was young, only four, with baby fat still on his cheeks. His breath rose and fell peacefully and for a moment, things seemed okay.
Then he’d hear a quiet thump and stir in his sheets, rubbing his eyes as he slowly sat up to find the cause of the noise. There was a small rush of anxiety that the young boy didn’t quite understand. His mother had assured him monsters weren’t real and had even double checked under his bed and in his closet to prove that he was safe before tucking him in that night. Still, Remus shrunk a bit into himself as he gazed around the room.
It was a typical room for most boys his age. The walls where blue, the color his parents had planted it when they found out they where having a boy. His closet with still closed and things seemed normal enough. That was until Remus noticed his window was open, a bit odd since it hadn’t been before.
It is in a child’s nature for a scared child to call for their mother and Remus was no exception. His hands gripping his blue bedsheets tightly, the young boy was about to call out, but stopped abruptly.
Monsters aren’t real. He told himself that over and over again when he noticed the man standing in front of his door. It seemed like he was muttering something, a kind of spell, to keep the door shut tight. And though Remus was almost positive it was a man, he didn’t exactly look human.
He was hairy , really hairy. There seems to be no place his forehead ended and the hairline began. To make things odder, his dark hair was slicked back and reached the nape of his neck, but it continued down his chin making an a pointed beard. His eyes looked odd, the opposite of Remus’ which were bright with childhood wonder, green with hints of gold and blue This man had eyes that seemed almost fully black. His ears seemed almost pointed and his nose looked like it had been broken once or twice.
His voice muted, almost broken, as shock shook the young boy as he froze, stuck staring with eyes wide in terror. The man smiled, almost as if enjoying the fear coming off of the kid. Remus tried to burry himself deeper into his bedsheets, now just barely peaking out through a small hole he had made.
“It’s okay,” the man’s voice rang quietly around the room, “I’ll see you again soon.”
Then he changed. The moon light casted over him and his pupils blew wide. He tensed, his skin ripped apart, and the man in front of him disappeared with a loud howl.
Clearly his mother had lied, monsters were real.
Remus watched, fat tears falling down his face as he tried to hide. He had been foolish enough to think hiding beneath bedsheets would protect him.
But the monster pounced and there was nothing a four year old boy could do to fight off a full grown werewolf. He tried though. Remus kicked and screamed. Pushed and shoved. He felt claws dig into his skin and cried out. He waited, called for his parents to come save him. In the distanced he heard panicked shuffling, rushed foot steps, then banging at his door.
The monster didn’t waist much time once given the opening. The kids legs got tangled in the sheets and his arms were busy trying to push the monster away from his face. There was, perhaps, the loudest cry of all when the monster bit down on Remus’ left hip, ripping through clothes and flesh with drool and blood mixing.
After that the monster seemed satisfied enough. It backed away from the crying child and howled once more, blocking the distant shouts of worried parents.
At that point Remus was fighting consciousness. The monster left through the window from which it came and his parents came bursting through the door. Before losing himself to sleep, Remus had one clear thought: the monster had gotten him.
Remus awoke from the nightmarish memory with a start. His left hip ached, he was drenched in sweat, and he was breathing heavily. A voice spoke, but words fell to deft ears as Remus sat up instantly, going to fight the figure that stood in front of him. A panicked recollection came to him like a tidal wave as he remembered the words “I’ll see you again soon”.
He was positive of one thing, he wouldn’t let the monster get him again. Remus was no longer a scared four year old boy. He was a wizard attending hogwarts for his sixth year. He was about to be of age and he had been through twelve years of real life nightmares during the full moon. He tried to claw, hit, shove away, but his arms felt numb.
“Remus”
He shoved harder, shaking his head, his eye squeezed shut. Greyback wasn’t supposed to have access to Hogwarts. Dumbledore assured Remus he’d be safe.
“Remus.”
Remus ignored the worried nature of the voice. He had been warned by Dumbledore before. Fenrir might come looking for him, he believed he laid some weird wolfy claim to Remus. That since it was Fenrir that turned him, he was sure he was like Remus’ father of sorts.
Well, that wasn’t going to be the case. Remus had a family. Lyall and Hope Lupin. He grew up surrounded by muggles even though his father was a Wizard. His parents agreed that after the bite, it would benefit to move away from the place where it had happened and stay away from the wizarding world for a bit. His parents loved him. Sure his relationship with his father was a bit messy, but that was to be expected. After all, his father had been the reason he got bit.
The figure somehow managed to get the upper hand, pulling Remus into a tight hug. It didn’t seem rough, but gentle. Almost careful.
“Moony!”
Sirius. The realization hit fast as Remus opened his eyes, clinging to his friend now as if his life depended on it. In the darkness Sirius whispered comforts as Remus slowly calmed down.
There were no monsters there, none other than Remus himself at least.
It took Sirius a good while to calm Remus down. The werewolf seemed have had a proper panic attack and now didn’t want to talk about it. Sirius suspected he was embarrassed , it wasn’t often their Moony cried and he just watched Remus fly off the handle.
As things settled down, Remus learned it was early in the morning, around 3 a.m. Sirius sat next to Remus not speaking, but he did cast a silencing charm around the closed curtains of the bed space. They had the window pushed open and they sat there taking turns smoking in silence.
For a while Sirius just watched him. Remus with tear stained cheeks, eyes red and puffy, didn’t open up often. Not about hard things at least. He didn’t like talking about girls, but Sirius suspected Remus just simply wasn’t interested in them, he would flat out lie about about if the moons hurt him or not, and for all Sirius knew hid plenty of other things.
“You want to talk about it?” Sirius asked still, already knowing what the answer would be.
It took Remus few seconds to answer but eventually he shook his head. He was still looking out the window, refusing to meet Sirius’ eyes. “No.”
Making the executive decision that this was absolutely the time to push Remus into sharing, Sirius was, after all, good at pressuring people into sharing things, he waited a moment before speaking up again.
“Was it a wolf thing or something else?”
“Sirius-“
He knew it was a warning. A sign for Sirius to stop talking. Remus didn’t sound mad exactly, but tired.
“Moony…” Sirius looked at him worried as he ready over, taking a the cigarette from Remus who glared at Sirius for a moment then looked away again.
He could tell that Remus wanted to share. Or at least, there was something on his mind. Sirius watched as Remus hesitated for a moment, before the werewolf asked “You won’t tell the others?”
There was a moment mental victory. Remus hadn’t told him to shut up, it had actually worked. “I won’t tell a soul.”
Remus sighed, for a second trying to figure out what to say. He had never given the details of how he became a werewolf. He kept it very vague. He was four it was Greyback. Thats all they needed to know.
“I have this nightmare,” he started slowly, “Of the night it happened. It’s more like a memory I guess, but it happens more around the moon.”
“So why did you try to beat me up just now?” Sirius asked cautiously.
Again, Remus hesitated. “I tried to push him away. Greyback I mean. But…” his voice trailed off.
“You were afraid of him?” Sirius asked.
Remus didn’t need to say anything, Sirius understood he hit a soft spot.
“You were four, Moony. Of course you were scared.”
Again, there was silence. Then, “Are you still afraid of him?”
This time Sirius couldn’t read his friend’s face. Remus just stared out the window. He seemed to squeeze his own arms tightly. Sirius wasn’t sure he had ever seen their Moony so shaken up. Remus was calm and collected. He smiled playfully and was the true mastermind behind all their pranks. He would trigger a series of roller explosions then flash his prefect badge and act like he was there to investigate.
Their Moony turned into a werewolf once a month, twelve times a year, and would die to protect his friends. Maybe if he was afraid, then Sirius should have been too.
“No,” Remus hesitated, “Maybe…I’m not sure.”
“Well, you tried to rip my face off, so maybe we should try and figure that out, yeah?” Sirius attempted to joke, nudging Remus slightly in attempt to loosen him up. “What happens in the dream?” He asked.
Remus frowned, bitting his lips, chapped and scared. What was there to explain? It seemed simple enough, but clearly Sirius thought talking about it might help. So with a shaky breath he explained. Still, he didn’t give the full details.
He didn’t need to tell Sirius about the look in Greybacks eyes or the metallic smell in the air. How he sometimes got sick when he woke up from these dreams, knowing a bit of Fenrir was inside of him. He knew the wolf looked for him some nights. And since the wolf reflected Remus’ own emotions, that meant the smallest part of him he wanted to find Greyback as well.
He did talk about how Fenrir broke in through his window. He told Sirius about how he tried to fight him back, but that he stood no chance. Remus shared openly about how he thought he might die, how sometimes he wished he had. After all, dying would have taken away years of suffering that Remus was now forced to endure.
At that Sirius frowned, pulled Remus around the shoulder and held him tight. It didn’t always need to be said, the weird thing between them. They were friends, but not in the same way they were with the others. Yes, James and Sirius were best friends, but Remus looked to Sirius first. And though Sirius seemed to care for James like a brother, that wasn’t the way he looked at Remus.
There were, of course, probably easier ways to explain it. But neither had found the words yet. Sirius would work harder to make Remus laugh, would tease him about not getting a girlfriend, but then would creep into his four poster late at night and just lay next to him. No words were said on those nights where there was so much to say, but not a word was spoken. Remus would play with Sirius hair, enjoy the comfort of his friend close to him, then when he woke up in the morning his bed was cold and empty.
To Remus, Sirius was the first person to go to. Watching him go off with other girls stung, but he couldn’t care less. Sirius could crush his heart, throw it on the ground and smash it until there was nothing but dust, and Remus wouldn’t care. Remus didn’t care how he loved Sirius, just as long as he got to love him.
Now Sirius seemed to be in one of those moods. In the edge of silence and wanting to talk to his hearts content. What Remus said clearly effecting him as he held on tight whispering “Moony…” and nothing else. Remus held back, right like he was afraid of the other slipping away.
“He’s going to come back eventually,” he muttered quietly, noting the way Sirius seemed to tense up, “he told me he would.”
“It’s nothing we can’t handle. A pack of werewolf’s can’t stop the marauders,” Sirius said firmly. “Then, when we graduate and we’re out of here-“
“I’m never going to get out of here though,” Remus butt in, moving back a bit to look Sirius in the eyes, “You guys graduate, you get jobs, I’m still stuck. I could get the top marks in all the classes I’m in, no one wants to hire a werewolf.”
The way Remus spoke gave Sirius the impression his Moony had thought about that often. Probably since their meetings with McGonagall about graduation.
“Well then, you’ll just have to come with me. Obviously I’m insanely rich and handsome, so we’ll take over the ministry-“
“Take over the ministry?” Remus interrupted with a small laugh.
“Yes, the ministry. We’ll then them they’re all complete arses and that My Moony-“
“Your Moony?”
“Yes, My Moony, is the best student that Hogwarts has so like it or not they’re going to let you do whatever you want,” Sirius declared, “So, you can do whatever you want now when we graduate. What do you do?”
With a small smile on his face, Remus shook his head and tried to think. “I make a school, like Hogwarts, but for young werewolves. This is assuming we’re welcomed in society correct?”
“Yes Moony, you’re obviously welcomed. I’ll let everyone know how many times you’ve saved my arse don’t worry.”
“Well,” Remus continued, “then I’d make sure they all stay safe. And…wait- in that fake scenario is there still the war?”
“Nope, no war.”
“Well then I’d move in with you clearly. We’d get a big library and I’d live out my life with you and the others.”
Sirius smiled, nodding as if satisfied. “Well, I get the left side of the bed. I call dibs. And on Sundays we play Davis Bowie on the record while we clean.”
“Can we add in some Queen and Smiths?”
“Obviously, who do you think I am?“
It was a child’s dream, but something about it felt so sure. A life without Voldemort, without Greyback. Just him, Sirius, and the others. Remus could be a teacher, a proper one. Sirius would become an Aura and buy a motorcycle.
It was a nice thought.
Sirius shifted over in the bed, lying on his side. He dragged Remus down with him and tucked the others boys head into his chest. In the dark Sirius could let himself get close. He could play with Remus’ hair and deal with the guilt the next morning. For now he was content, dozing off to sleep with his Moony so close.