pages of poetry

Remus could barely believe he was allowed at Hogwarts. Surely they shouldn't teach destructive animals spells, and potions, but the perceptive old wizard that had shown up beside Matron insisting he was a wizard, and should come to his school. He was vowed that his outbreaks would be taken care of, and accounted for, but there was nothing Remus was more terrified of than others finding out. Remus knew from experience that people didn't take his sort kindly. Not that he had met any others, but he saw the loathing even in his father's eyes.

He decided that he would not make any friends. It was hard enough dealing with himself, and he would have no clue how to explain his disappearances each full moon. It had been a full fortnight at the school, yet he had already been forced to spend a night in the shack, his first episode at the school. The other boys had been celebrating Peter's birthday, a week and a bit after their first day, and Remus was pushed into that old shack mere days later.

The wolf didn't know its surroundings and spent the first few hours of the night sniffing around the new quarters. It didn't take long to feel the magic... the magic ensnaring the wolf in. He knew that just outside there were rabbits to chase and other creatures, but he had been locked inside this outlandish place. The wolf got angry quickly, and lonely, no pack mates still.

Remus had woken that morning with new cuts all over his arms, and torso; trembling like a deer caught in headlights when the school healer eased open the shack door, and ran to his side, stitching up his deep wounds and cleaning up the sticky pool of blood he lay in. Luckily, the wolf had forgotten its face, so he had less explaining to do. It was still a bitter shock when one of his roommates asked him where he had been, and he had to recite the lie Dumbledore had offered him to avoid further questions. His day had been spent in the infirmary, under the care of Madam Pomfrey, and his head of house, Mcgonagall heading in. They didn't notice the boy had woken up, during their hushed conversation about the poor boy, and how terrible his father had been to send him off to that children's home. At least it was easier to lie over there, no one gave a shit about where you went, or what you were doing. At least Matron had another empty bed to fill before Remus came back in the Summer. He would spend all his other term breaks at the school, not like he had any other place to be.

When he wasn't dealing with an impending full moon, he had strictly kept to himself. There was no way he would become attached to anyone, he knew he could be sent away from the school any time. It resided in the back of his mind, in Matron's cold-blooded voice, that 'one small mistake and they'll kick you right out. you're just an experiment.' He could never get rid of that voice in the back of his head.

His roommates were a strange bunch, but he wouldn't expect less from a group of wizards. They weren't even meant to exist; he hadn't known wizards weren't fiction until Dumbledore had materialised. James seemed to be the leader of them all, he was the friendliest and was always trying to include Remus. The boy donned round, circular glasses that always seemed slightly askew, with a few cracks lining the glass. Surely there was a spell to fix that. Peter, Remus gathered, was James' best friend. They had known each other before Hogwarts and seemed to have some secret language between the two of them. He had seen peaks of the notes they wrote each other, combinations of numbers and letters scrawled together. One time, when he got a good look at a piece of parchment they handed to each other, he noted down the numbers in his head, and even trying to make sense of it later, he was stumped. How could you decipher "B289B19B1B19A99B3B1A3B72A6A99A57"? He remembered the little present James sneaked into his friend's pocket on the morning of the 9th, as Peter didn't want to make a big deal out of his birthday, not when the term had just started, James still made him feel special. He tended to do that.
Sirius was the only other one who didn't know anyone prior, even if Remus had walked into a carriage on the train already with the other 3 chatting and laughing. He was too polite to leave but didn't involve himself in their conversations over chocolate frogs, and quidditch players. They weren't new to magic. Even though Remus' father Lyall had been a wizard, he only knew that from Dumbledore, and had spent his life from age 5 in the children's home; ever since his life was ruined. But Sirius was different to James and Peter. He had a look about him only Remus could notice. When the howler arrived on their second day of school, His mother's voice screeching about the disappointment he was, only Remus noticed the slight furrow in his eyebrows, eyes glazing over, before he ripped the letter in two, and laughed with the slightly shocked James and Peter.

When Remus was restless most nights, kept awake worrying about how anyone could figure out his problems, he noticed the other boy kept awake too. One night, when he left his bed to go splash his face with water, trying to keep above the surface, he found the younger boy sitting by the window of their dorm, just looking up and whispering to himself. Despite his attempts to distance himself, Remus had tried and failed to stop snarky comebacks from entering James and Sirius' conversations. In a charms lesson, when Remus had beaten the others to cast their lumos charms, Peter looked in shock, and James went "Are you serious! Remus, you're insane!" The boy could barely hold back from replying and gave in to the impulse. With a small grin tugging at his lips, he said pointing to the Black "No, that's Sirius," The boy he was pointing at found this more than hilarious and was laughing until he fell off his chair.

So when he found Sirius that late night, he once again gave up, and asked the boy "Waiting up for someone?". He spent that night talking to the other boy, not about anything in particular. The both of them waded around any in-depth conversations, not asking why the other was up at that hour. Once James' cat had come around to their beds, Remus faced the fierce reminder of the creature he was. He had made a promise not to make any friends, and whilst he craved to, so badly, he couldn't. He hid his shame with a momentary yawn and excused himself to sleep. He shut his curtains once more and lingered awake until he could sense Sirius was asleep. He carried himself back to the bathroom one more time, taking a fleeting look at the boy curled up with their dorm room companion.

One morning James and Peter had rushed down to the Dining hall, as James was already an early morning person, and Peter would go with him anywhere. Sirius and Remus had sometimes continued their late-night talks, only about classwork, or something Sirius had heard James talk about when Remus had been down in the library, collecting something for their teacher. It was nearing the end of breakfast, and unwilling to get out of bed, but also very hungry, Remus almost had to pull Sirius out of bed. Having just woken up, Remus forgot to take his clothes to change in the bathroom, to avoid questions about the deep scars lining his body. He immediately sobered when he heard Sirius take a short gasp in when he pulled his pyjama shirt above his head. "Fuck!" Remus swore, vaulting into his bed, and hiding behind his curtains to change into the rest of his uniform. Too quickly for Sirius to ask anything, he stormed out of the room, but not in the direction of the dining hall. He could go starving for all he cared. Not when he was at risk of being figured out already.

he had just gotten there.

Remus didn't dare skip any of his classes but made a point to sit on the opposite side to his dorm mates. He ignored the concerned looks coming from James and Peter, and even more so the look in Sirius' eyes. He was done for. He did his work, not even registering the introduction the small redhead sitting next to him gave, until she stuck out her hand at him, looking into his eyes, even more so looking into his soul. He had a feeling that if anyone, she would figure out who he was in an instant. The girl took his hand from his lap, snapping him back out of his mind, before she repeated her name again for the boy. "I'm Lily." She looked at him in a way almost to urge him to reply, and he stuttered out his name back. Thankfully, for the rest of the lesson, the girl left him alone, but as they moved to their next class, she could see he didn't want to sit with his usual companions and offered to partner him for their potions task. He could see James again from across the classroom, looking genuinely concerned now, not only because of how the boy had avoided his friends but also because they had promised to pair up, being a group of four and all. James had asked Sirius to work together, because the other boy had been quite quiet that morning too, and Peter had already befriended another boy in their class and didn't mind working apart from his friends,

The two surprisingly worked well together, and their teacher announced that their pairings would continue the same for the remainder of the term. Remus didn't know how long it would be this way, unsure even if he would stay at Hogwarts for much longer, but he appreciated the distraction. The only problem was, he was regretting missing Breakfast, his stomach letting him know that. As Peter passed his desk at the end of the lesson, he slipped from his pocket a paper bag, containing a muffin, and some slightly cold pieces of toast. It slightly assured Remus, knowing he could count on the boy to keep snacks on him. He didn't like the idea of lunch in the Dining hall again, but Lily had become more talkative now, and the food had helped him actually try and focus on her ramblings. She had promised to introduce Remus to her friends and left the offer open, so he could decline if he wanted.

The rest of the day was as tiring as the morning, as Remus stayed constantly on edge. He had no idea if Sirius had gone to their head of house or even the Headmaster, having discovered the monster he was. James's cat visited Remus and the girls in the common room, followed by the unsure James. He talked to the girls, as they scratched the growing kitten's belly fondly, and looked over at Remus, unsure what to say, still unknowing of what ever happened that morning. "Remus.. fancy going on a walk before curfew? just us mate." James offered. Not wanting to hurt the guy, Remus agreed, but he wouldn't give away anything from the morning. If Sirius hadn't spilled anything, it's not like he would. Maybe he could just twist his lie about his mum.

When they had managed to walk all the way down to the great lake, James stopped, looking over to his 'friend'.

"What happened mate? I mean, you've always kind of kept to yourself, but if it's something we've done that's upset you, or something's going on.. we wanna help.. ya'know? You've kinda gone cold on us, and Peter and I have no clue what's happened, and Sirius is off his head, thinking you hate him for no bloody good reason. I- I'm just trying to ask.. did something happen this morning?"

Remus looked up at the other boy, finally peeling his eyes from the ground, or any other spot he had been looking at, previously avoiding eye contact. He didn't know what to say, so he just lied. Built on his story of his mum, trying to tell the truth under the cover of his mother's sickness.

"James.. I don't know. I mean, you know my mum's sick. And she has been for like forever.. Those things get worse, and I guess I'm just in a strop, I dunno.. "

"Hey, that's okay! my mum.. she works as a healer and she's got to deal with loads of sick people. Sometimes she gets sad, I get that. If you're having an off day, and you need some space, just let us know mate. I know we can be a bit crazy sometimes."

'Was it really that easy?' Remus thought. He still had no clue about how to deal with Sirius, it was so out of his control. But if he could just say he needed time to himself, surely that could be okay. He could be okay with that.

Not wanting to be quiet for too long, Remus replied with one of his one-liners, now becoming his thing. "Just Sirius? The both of you are wild, especially when paired together. Glad I got out of that in potions." James chuckled at that and suggested they go back to the common room, as curfew was coming soon. As they walked up to the Gryddindor tower, James poked Remus, and asked him about his new potions partner, asking for her name, and if he fancied her. "oOOoOoOOo lIiLlLyYyy" Remus outright objected to fancying her, telling James she was nice, and pretty good at potions. It didn't stop James from poking him on, but it did leave it be for the time being.

Once they had made it through the fat lady's portrait, Remus followed James up to their dorm room. He vacated to his bed but could hear James murmuring to the others. "He's just feeling down about his mum and all.. think he needs some space."
Remus was fine with space. He'd be less attached to his dorm mates.

That night had been impossible for Remus to sleep. Once he heard James' snores and peeked out to see Peter asleep, he lay on his bed. Just waiting for sleep to steal him away. But to his surprise, his curtains peeked open, and Sirius was stood by his bed. Remus had never sat up so quickly. Slowly, Sirius assured him it was okay, and he just wanted to talk. It didn't seem to be about the fact Remus was a bloody werewolf, so he begrudgingly let the boy sit on his bed.

"I know you don't want to talk about this morning." Sirius started.

Oh, Remus was so wrong. His friend knew.

"No! Remus, it's okay." Sirius frantically replied, noticing the fear in the boy's eyes.

"I've got them too." He said. "Scars, I mean."

Remus didn't know what to say, so he let the boy continue, as he started to roll up his sleeves, revealing silvery lines tracing up his arms, and onto his back and stomach. "It's my mum," The boy explained. "At home, if I muck about too much, or I'm rude, or sometimes just if she's in a shit mood, It's her way of punishment. Of enforcing.. rules." The boy flinched admitting it, and Remus saw his friend in a way he never did before.

His parents did that to him. Not a beast, not a werewolf like Remus.

"I just.. you gotta know you're not alone. I mean.. James' parents sound like their way of discipline is taking away his broom for a bit, and Peter's parents sound alright too. But ya know, we don't always get the best pick for parents." He sighed, and Remus still had no clue what to say, just looking at his friend. "Is it your dad?" The boy asked. Remus nodded. If anything, it was Lyall Lupin's fault Remus had been bitten when he was younger, and it's best if Sirius didn't know it was the wolf that did that. At least he didn't know. he didn't know.

Remus took Sirius' hands, like Lily had done earlier. "I'm sorry.. about your mum Sirius.".

The boy just shrugged and said "Happens. I'm sorry about your dad Remus."

Not long after, Sirius went back to his own bed, and Remus didn't have as much trouble falling asleep.