It made sense, of course. Sirius himself favoured James. Simply put, James was the glue of their little band of pranksters. James and Sirius were the best of best friends, two peas in a pod, brothers from different mothers, a singular soul split into two. James and Remus had a bond of their own, what with James taking to Remus's wit and kindness early on, uncovering the latter’s lycanthropy and then proposing to turn into animagi. James and Peter shared hobbies like Quidditch and gobstones, an unlikely combination. While Quidditch was universally popular, taking an interest in gobstones generally meant forsaking any social capital. For James, it meant an opportunity to show he cared little about what other people thought. He was charming and exceedingly kind to most people - most because no way he liked Slytherins.
So really, it all made sense. Remus obviously harboured feelings for the bespectacled wizard that Sirius loved more than his own blood brother. Remus hadn’t said anything. He tended to keep a lot of things to himself, and given James’s propensity to declaring his love for Evans, there was little chance the werewolf would volunteer this information to anyone, much less Sirius who rarely kept a secret from James.
But one day, Sirius had miraculously woken up before the crack of dawn. He kept his eyes closed for almost half an hour before cussing under his breath and deciding to get up. When he pulled back the curtains to put on his slippers, he saw their resident prefect stand before his best friend’s bed. Sirius stilled. There Remus stood, hand pushing away strands of hair falling about James’s face. With a pat on the sleeping head, the boy walked out, unaware of his audience.
The signs were unmistakable afterwards. Remus making sure James’s plate was full before grabbing his own meals; keeping extra quills because James lost his own all the time; patting James’s head on the way out to the library or touching his arm constantly; laughing extra hard at his (unfunny) jokes; eyeing the git almost wistfully while he waxed poetic about love and Evans; even turning a blind eye when James executed elaborate pranks – Remus was far less merciful to Sirius.
And on Remus’s birthday, when they gathered in the evening to celebrate his turning seventeen, Remus had settled next to James, even though the spot between Peter and Sirius was empty. ‘Flattered, Moony,’ James laughed, casting a blinding smile. The boy in question blushed and rolled his eyes, lips pulling back into a toothy smile. All throughout the evening, Remus stuck to James as they played games and exchanged stories. It was only the four of them, but they’d decorated the dorm with streamers and brought a cake.
Sirius had got him a pendant. ‘It’s a sirius pendant. I charmed the star to sparkle,’ he grinned. His mood was just a little brighter because of the fantastic snog he’d had on his way to the kitchens. Remus took it with a smile. Then when James gifted him a basket of chocolates, that smile stretched wider and Sirius noted the intense fondness in Remus’s eyes.
Sirius pitied the poor boy. Merlin forbade he developed unrequited (unrequited!) feelings for his best friend who was infatuated with someone else. (And Sirius was certain that James was Remus’s best friend too.) What a disastrous fate! Sure, Sirius cared little for most people’s feelings. His family was evil and dark, his teachers mainly fools (bless Minnie for being sensible), his housemates bland and less brilliant than him or James, his schoolmates blander , and when it came to affection for his friends, he maintained a clear hierarchy. However , hierarchy or not, condescension to most people or not, Sirius did like Remus. Remus paled in comparison to him and James when it came to magical abilities. He didn’t have the constitution for Quidditch, which naturally made him less cool. He studied to not fall behind and just managed it. With mousy brown hair and rather forgettable features, he didn’t count as attractive either. But Remus was witty. He was quick. He excelled at duelling. Despite his struggles with really keeping James and Sirius in line, he did knock some sense into them now and then. Fundamentally, he was far kinder than the two boisterous pranksters.
He’d mulled over his new findings for two whole weeks before he came to a solution. Make Prongs fall in love with Moony! Really, why not? In these six years, the two of them had gone from classmates-cum-dormmates to best friends – their relationship had progressed well. It seemed natural to fall in love next. Plus, besides being beautiful and brilliant at Potions, what did Evans have that good old Moony didn’t? There was only one werewolf at Hogwarts, but Sirius knew at least three other redheads and dozens of muggleborns.
Stretching his long legs, Sirius burrowed into the sofa in the common room, and summoned his stationery. By the time the chatter of his housemates grew to unignorable levels, he’d already scribbled out a very, very rough plan. A couple of first-years were giving him the stink eye for hogging the most comfortable seats — not that Sirius was. His presence was such that any lesser being felt intimidated (he’d told James as much last week).
‘It may please you to know that there are plenty of seats for lone wolves by the fireplace,’ a familiar voice broke his reverie. Sirius looked up to see an amused Remus approach him. Behind his friend, he saw his one-sided adversaries, who looked hopeful that a prefect might sort him out.
Folding the parchment, Sirius responded in a whisper, ‘Well, I know the wolf is certainly not alone, which makes this a perfect spot.’ Remus snorted, pushing off Sirius’s legs to take a spot on the sofa, oblivious to the disappointed faces behind him. He peeked at the folded parchment and raised his eyebrow. Sirius shrugged. ‘You said never to tell you about pranks you wouldn’t agree with.’
‘No,’ Remus’s lips pulled into a cheeky grin. ‘I said don’t pull pranks when I’m on duty. I’m done for the day.’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Anything I could help with?’
Sirius deliberated this. Including the boy in the plan could be useful. Anyone would be happy to date the object of their affections. Then again, Remus could be so insufferable with his self-pity and insecurities, he’d shoot down Sirius’s help and make him promise not to interfere, and then remain miserable for the rest of eternity. That Sirius wouldn’t allow. He said, ‘Nope. You best wait till it happens. I solemnly swear that I won’t do it on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays, that is, when you’re diligently safeguarding our corridors from randy teenagers.’
‘All right…and what, pray tell, would our dear Prongs have to say about that?’ Sirius’s heart ached. Now that he thought about it, Remus loved talking about James. This werewolf friend of his was devoted. If Sirius could perform illegal magic for him, he could take on this task of making his feelings requited. This was much simpler anyway. Falling in love with a friend happened more frequently than meeting a werewolf and becoming an animagus to relieve their suffering.
‘Our dear Prongs has nothing to say because he doesn’t know about it.’
‘Working alone, are you? You sure you don’t want to run this by anyone else?’
Sirius gasped mockingly, ‘My sweetest Moony!’ He clutched his heart and wiped away invisible tears. ‘You’ve so little faith in me? I, Sirius Black, the proudly disowned heir of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black, transfiguration topper, charms aficionado, DADA whiz, animal whispe—’
‘All right, all right,’ chuckled Remus, rolling his eyes. ‘Just don’t cross the line.’
‘Oh my Moony dearest, I never cross the line.’ At this, eyes twinkling, the dark-haired boy sat straight. ‘In fact, every bird that ever shags me says I am very respectful. Tip for you, always ask for consent! Bird or bloke or in-between.’
‘Right,’ Remus said. ‘I’m knackered. Good night, Padfoot.’ Remus stood up and began his ascent to their dorm. He yawned and said, ‘Tell James to shower before bed. I don’t think I can handle the stench. Sometimes it wakes me up mid-sleep,’ he scrunched his nose. ‘And tell Peter to throw away the rubbish on his bed. I’m afraid a rat invasion is due soon.’
With a bark of laughter, Sirius bid his friend good night, and took out his parchment again.
At breakfast, Sirius took the seat opposite James. The other three were taken aback. Sirius always sat by James. Shrugging, the latter chugged down a glass of water ( It’s the perfect start to a morning! ) while Remus scooped some fried eggs onto his plate. They were discussing Celestina Warbeck’s discography when Sirius spoke, ‘You know…love is such an all-consuming, incredible thing.’ His friends paused to give him a look. ‘What?’ he frowned. ‘It is! Isn’t that why we love Celestina? Because she sings about love?’ Although what did he know about it? He’d loved Regulus once and he loved James now, but beyond familial and platonic love, he was clueless.
‘No, we love Celestina for the bangers,’ said James and broke out into the chorus for A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love , Peter joining him to croon the last few lines. His eyes widened. ‘Have you fallen in love with Marlene after all? I should’ve known it after you practically wrote poetry about kissing her.’
Sirius rolled his eyes. ‘What does McKinnon have to do with this? And I wrote no poetry. I scribbled on a note to you that she was an excellent kisser.’ Very tasteful use of tongue , he had shared, but only because he’d been fighting to stay awake in History of Magic.
‘Is it Mary then? The girl you’re in love with?’ Peter suggested. ‘You spend a fair amount of time with her and you complimented her eyes all through spring last year.’ Indeed they were gorgeous. Large, cat eyes with a ring of aquamarine.
Sirius heaved a loud sigh. ‘Firstly, Mary is a friend . Secondly, this is not about me. I simply said love is all-consuming. Moony, don’t you start now! Anyway, I’ve been thinking lately –’ James snorted. ‘ I’ve been thinking lately that love is such an intense emotion. We can’t control love, can we? Remember Arthur? He used to tinker with Muggle artefacts all day long, but the year he fell in love with Molly, he barely looked at them! He didn’t even care for that peculiar watch Remus used to carry around in second year.’
‘You remember that old thing?’
‘Of course. You wouldn’t stop touching it in exams, and it used to obnoxiously reflect the light from the window in our dorm. Now, stop distracting me, you prats. Where was I? Right. Love, it changes you, doesn’t it? It makes you act differe—’
‘Any day now, Padfoot. I want to hear the end of this before I turn seventeen.’
‘Well, now you’ve done it! You good-for-nothing Prongsie. Interrupted me and made this longer than it need be. I was about to say that love is such that we can’t control ourselves, and certainly can’t control whom we fall in love with. Like McKinnon! She got to taste a fine specimen such as I but now she’s head over heels for a Slytherin.’
Remus broke into a half-smile. ‘Thank you for your keen observation, Padfoot. We’d hitherto been unaware of the Slytherin who snogs your ex-girlfriend in our common room every evening.’
‘You’re welcome, Moony, and she was not my girlfriend. Anyway, I was making a very important point about how love is incredible, how love has no bounds. It could happen any moment with anyone. A cow from a rival house –’
‘Black, you better not be talking about my girlfriend!’
‘You’re sleeping with the enemy, McKinnon!’ he shouted cheerfully, followed by James affirming his sentiment. McKinnon flipped them both off but without any malice. ‘How did she hear that?’ Sirius muttered to his friends, who shared a similarly bewildered look. Then, more loudly, he said, ‘But it’s admirable. Love can happen between enemies, strangers, classmates and friends ! Love can even happen between long standing friends . One moment, you’re just friends with six years of history. Next, you’re lovers with six years of history!’
Peter opened his mouth to respond when a bout of coughs interrupted him. Hacking into a sleeve, Remus shakily put down his cup of tea. Immediately, James patted his back to soothe him. They’re so sweet , observed Sirius. Look at them. So comfortable with each other. A merit of being friends first – you could be yourself around them. He wanted to continue making his point, but to his chagrin, once Remus recovered, James steered the conversation to Evans. A grim expression shadowed Sirius’ face. He had to work harder to make his best friend see the romantic potential in their wallflower (for Remus hated being perceived) friend.
From across them, Sirius saw the vision. They made a pretty picture — dark-haired, hazel-eyed, sunkissed James with light-haired, amber-eyed, pale Remus. James was healthier, of a sturdier constitution while Remus sickly from the regular transformations. However, next to the Quidditch player, he gained an effusive glow, radiant even. Besides, hot Quidditch captain dating swotty prefect — it was the stuff of those muggle romance books that Mary loved. Sirius could really see it. James, his bestest friend and Remus, less close but still endearing to him. In love with each other, happy with each other.
For James’s seventeenth, they threw a large party in the common room. The Quidditch player was a star and commanded attention wherever he went. They’d nicked tons of food and pumpkin juice from the kitchens, courtesy of James’s invisibility cloak, and a ton of butterbeers from The Three Broomsticks. (Moony had made them toss several galleons onto a rickety table before they sneaked back to the secret tunnel.) There was a stash of firewhisky for the post-party gathering, which would be just them and maybe Mary and McKinnon.
All night, music played throughout the tower. Remus had charmed some muggle tool ( vinyl , Sirius recalled from his Muggle Studies class) to play some of Wizarding world’s most famous names – Celestina Warbeck, Madame Bletchley, the Hobgoblins et cetera. They danced and sang. The werewolf stayed in a corner for the most part but at one point, he too joined them on the dancefloor, head thrown back and moving to the music. It was during this rare event that Sirius felt himself dragged away to an empty classroom.
Sirius tidied his dark locks and wiped his lips a final time before stepping back in the common room. The party had dwindled and by the fireplace, his friends had clustered. He grinned at the sight of the firewhisky, but did a double take at the fiery red hair. ‘Why hello, Miss Evans. Fancy meeting you here,’ he drawled. She predictably rolled her eyes at him.
‘This is my cue to retire,’ said Evans, but her words were met with protest, chiefly from James and the girls.
While Mary pleaded with her, McKinnon turned to him, ‘Don’t be such an arse, Black. Ohhh, it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it. Now don’t sulk. That goes to you too, Lily. We’re playing a muggle game and we are enjoying it.’ Indeed there was a half-empty bottle in the centre of their circle. As far as Sirius knew, muggles liked playing with bottles. ‘We spin this thing here and whomever it lands on has to choose truth or dare. My turn to spin!’
Sirius sat between Mary and Peter, not wanting to come between James and Remus on the sofa. McKinnon spun the bottle and everyone other than Remus and Sirius jumped in glee.
Remus huffed and slurred his words a little, ‘This is not fair. I’ve already done a dare once.’
‘Can’t help it, my dearest mate,’ James smirked. ‘Got to follow the rules, don’t we, McKinnon?’
McKinnon and Mary nodded enthusiastically. Even Evans piped up, ‘C’mon, Lupin. Your previous performance was rather entertaining.’ The girls burst into giggles. Sirius nudged Peter and raised an eyebrow. The short and stout boy filled him in quickly.
‘You gave the armchair a lap dance!’ The words burst out of Sirius’s lips. His mouth split into a wild grin.
‘I was drunk! It is incredibly concerning that my peers encouraged my incredibly intoxicated self to perform something so intimate and incredibly out-of-character.’
Mary’s giggles turned into a cackle, ‘But Lupin, you were brilliant! You probably gave the poor armchair a proper erection.’
Remus pouted and said, ‘I resent that! My arse deserved —’
‘All right, Moony,’ James chuckled and interrupted before the clearly inebriated boy could go on to say more regretful things. ‘Truth or dare? We’ll make sure your arse isn’t uncomfortable again.’
‘Thank you, James, my truest friend,’ he sniffled. ‘Dare. I don’t trust my brain to answer questions.’
Marlene pursed her lips and scanned the room. Her eyes gradually widened until they sparkled with a mischievous glint. ‘I dare you to…kiss the most attractive person in the room!’
Barring the boy in question and Sirius, the group exploded with excitement again. To the girls, Remus tended to be a mystery character. He kept to himself mostly, and even Evans who shared prefect duties with him, only knew him to be a little kinder and sweeter than his rowdier friends. Today was the most open he’d been with any of them thanks to the huge amount of alcohol he’d chugged in the past hour.
Sirius’s eyes darted between his two friends. Would Moony do it? Had he sobered up enough to reject the dare? Wouldn’t he dislike having his secret revealed like this? So openly in front of all his friends and non-friends…He saw the boy take a deep breath and blink a couple of times.
‘Well…’ Remus started and turned his head to his right. His brown eyes shone under the lights. ‘C’mere, birthday boy,’ he giggled and beckoned James closer with his arms. Before the latter could resist, he planted his lips firmly on his. When they parted, Remus said proudly, ‘Who could be more attractive than our star Quidditch captain?’
James laughed out loud, ‘You’re so sloshed, Moony!’
From that moment until he laid in bed at the end of the night, Sirius mulled over the kiss. Stripped of any inhibitions, Remus had been bold about his feelings for James. It was true, wasn’t it? What Sirius had witnessed almost a month ago…Sleep taking over, he promised to keep his friends happy.
All throughout the week, Sirius deviated from their usual seating plan. Wormtail was content with the turn of events. Not only was Sirius brilliant, he possessed far less patience than Remus, and so took over to do Peter’s portion of the work rather than giving him vague guidelines and tips.
On the way to Hogsmeade, Sirius carried out the next step in his plan. With Remus and Peter walking ahead to Scrivenshaft’s, it left the two best friends alone. He cleared his throat and started, ‘Isn’t our Moony amazing?’
However, James was hardly listening. His eyes roamed around the small village, searching for a certain redhead with emerald orbs. He held hope that he could catch a glimpse of her in spite of the throngs of students. It took a few minutes before the Quidditch captain paid attention to his best friend.
‘Say that again,’ James stopped his search and said.
Sirius had his attention at last. He beamed, ‘Remus’s eyes. Did you know in the morning light you can see flecks of gold in them? And in that study corner of his in the library, when he’s sat there during sunset, his hair takes on a tawnier hue. And you know what? Why don’t you try holding his hands one of these days. They’re warm. He’s always running hot because of–’
‘His furry little problem,’ whispered James. He gave Sirius a contemplative look as his hand crept up to ruffle the back of his messy head. That was a sign that he was thinking…he was thinking about Remus ! Sirius internally whooped. The gold flakes and tawny locks and warm hands did paint a wonderful picture. He was kind of good at this. Now James would start seeing Remus in a different light. The first step to falling in love with a friend — becoming conscious of their attractive traits.
Excited by the new development, Sirius continued to gush, ‘Spring is really the perfect season to hold Moony’s hands. They’re very soft to touch, very pleasant in this weather.’
Before James could respond, their missing friends re-appeared with a handful of stationeries.
‘Perfect timing! Moony, quick! Give me your hand,’ Sirius didn’t wait for Remus to put away his supplies before pulling his hand into his own. The latter yelped as James quickly cast a spell to keep the newly bought stationeries suspended in air. ‘Toasty,’ grinned Sirius. ‘C’mon, Prongs. Feel it.’ He pulled Remus’s and James’s hands together.
Peter squeaked in indignation, ‘Me as well!’ He put his hand on top. ‘Are we doing a team cheer or something? Like the Quidditch team does before matches?’
Sirius’s lips thinned. He extracted his own hand and lifted Peter’s before dropping it. ‘No, I was demonstrating to Prongs how warm Moony’s hands are.’
‘Moony is always warm. He runs hot because of his—’
‘Furry little problem,’ James said, lips twisting in amusement.
Remus shook his head. ‘If we’re all done being satisfied with my internal body temperature, let’s head to Zonko’s. We need more dungbombs and stink pellets if we want to stink up the corridors on April’s Fools.’
‘Not very prefect-like of you, Moony dearest,’ quipped Sirius.
As James and Peter pulled ahead in a flurry of conversation, Sirius took hold of Remus’s hand. ‘I do love it, you know.’ His fingers stroked the warm skin that stretched over bony knuckles.
Remus glanced at their intertwined hands and asked after a pause, ‘Confounding me? Is it not simpler to use a confundus charm?’
‘No,’ Sirius laughed loudly. A couple of Hogwarts students turned to look at him and gaped. He knew he was handsome — lustrous dark hair that fell past a strong jawline, piercing grey eyes that the girls loved, and he was fairly tall and broad. Even his parents hadn’t been able to find a defect in his appearance. ‘That’s not what I meant, you prat. Your hands are warm.’
Remus wondered if he were being set up for a prank, considering Sirius hadn’t let go of his hand and they were in view of Zonko’s now, but when he brought it up again, the latter exclaimed in surprise and released it.
Another two weeks passed. Sirius remained steadfast in his plan. He kept up with the new seating plan he’d initiated. Only in Potions and Muggle Studies, he sat with James but that was because neither Moony nor Wormtail took those. It was as they were collecting ingredients for the memory potion that James said, ‘Do you remember brewing Amortentia earlier in February?’
Chopping the Alihotsy leaves, Sirius snorted, ‘Do I now? You wouldn’t shut up about Evans and her shampoo for weeks.’ From a few rows ahead of them, the girl in question turned and threw them a stink eye. He rolled his eyes at her as James put on a stupid grin. How she heard them amidst the sounds of pestle meeting mortar and knives chopboards was beyond him. Gryffindor girls had sharp ears.
The stupid grin still in place, the bespectacled wizard faced him and lowered his voice, ‘You never told me what you smelled.’
‘Motor oil, hibiscus and cherries,’ Sirius recited while tossing in a sprig of peppermint into the cauldron. He didn’t know where the hibiscus came from. He’d never been particular about flowers. As for the cherries, he hadn’t exactly expected them, but given that he’d been snogging McKinnon senseless in broom cupboards at the time, it’d made perfect sense. She was fit. Too bad her real interest lay elsewhere. Sirius liked the taste of her cherry lip balm. Sweet but not sickly.
‘Bloody hell!’ a sharp cry sounded from beside him. He swivelled round to see James cradling his right hand, the tips of his fingers red-hot, and shouted in alarm. Hearing the commotion, Slughorn made his way to the two boys and hurriedly urged the injured one to visit the hospital wing.
Remus arrived late for lunch, looking rather forlorn. ‘Any chance I was under the Imperius curse when I chose NEWT-level Arithmancy? Pass me the roast chicken, would you, Wormy? I need energy to throw my books into the Great Lake muggle-style.’ When he saw James struggle to eat, the exhausted pallor of his transformed into a worried grimace. ‘Merlin’s beard! What happened?’
‘Dipped his fingers into a boiling cauldron,’ Sirius clicked his tongue and swallowed a chunk of steak-and-kidney pie. ‘Coward. Should’ve dunked it all the way in like the Gryffindor you should be.’ Peter snickered and almost choked on his chicken leg.
‘Quit it, Padfoot. You okay, James? Need any help?’ Brows furrowed, Remus abandoned his plate to inquire after the boy. He was so caring. There was no way James wouldn’t return his feelings.
‘It’s all — Actually, could you feed me?’ said James, doing his best impression to look adorable and helpless. He is helpless, Sirius conceded in his mind.
Remus replied, ‘ Or you could try a different charm on that spoon. Something must stick.’
‘Oh, but I don’t have the brain for that. The injury has left me so weak. What if I perform the wrong charm and accidentally smack Padfoot or Wormtail or worse — poor Flitwick over there saddled with supervising horribly hormonal teenagers. Look! He’s making his way to the Slytherins – those awful wankers are more trouble than they’re worth. You wouldn’t want me to disturb our pitiful, hard-working Charms professor now, would you, Moony?’ He batted his lashes for effect.
Relieved at Prongs’s usual cheekiness, Remus turned back to his lunch and said playfully, ‘Pardon? Did you say something, James?’ Sirius barked a laugh while Peter busied himself with a plate of shepherd’s pie.
‘Remus John Lupin! You offered help, you git. Now feed me. My stomach’s been growling nonstop —’ and as though the darned thing had ears, it audibly groaned, and so did James. ‘C’mon, when I tell you how I got this injury, you will poke yourself in the eye from shock. I won’t tell you now for your own safety, so reward me for my loyal—’
Sirius tuned him out. Wasn’t James flirting with Remus? Practically begging the werewolf to be more intimate with him. Feed him – the kind of rubbish lovebirds got to. Remus could probably do a different charm, but he relented, eyes twinkling with mirth, and picked up a spoon. Sirius marvelled at the result he saw after pushing the two to spend more time together these few weeks. Moony tenderly feeding Prongs, and Prongs making a fool of himself to elicit gorgeous peals of laughter from Moony.
Pushing around his broccoli and sprouts, Sirius allowed himself a small smile. This was what he wanted. A happy Moony. A happy band of four marauders. He cared little for people. But here was his home. Not just the ancient, whimsical castle of Hogwarts, but these three boys. At the top was James, his bestest friend. Then came Remus, less close but still endearing to him. At the bottom rung, Peter, a bumbling fool but a sweet one.
On the eve of April’s Fools, Sirius and James skulked around the castle, placing dungbombs and stink pellets in strategic locations. The four Gryffindors had charmed their stink supplies to explode only when a specific incantation was chanted – to be performed right before breakfast. With the imminent full moon leaving Remus fatigued, and Peter in detention, it fell on the remaining two to fulfil this pivotal task. They were getting a little too big to fit in under the invisibility cloak together, but with their map, they managed to dodge Mrs Norris (that new cat Filch had dropped on them as a cruel surprise before Christmas) and Kettleburn, who patrolled on Thursdays. After covering most of the corridors and casting disillusionment charms on their joke products, they observed the map once more. They still had to infiltrate the dungeons, but Filch was prowling in that very place.
A short discussion later, they concluded they might as well wait outside the dungeons for the caretaker to come out and then swiftly slip in to finish their business. They planned only to line the corridor outside the Slytherin common room with dung bombs and stink pellets. Give the snakes a good morning gift and save themselves from having to enter that no doubt dreadful place.
It was while waiting there, open map in hand, that James said, ‘I’m thinking of asking Evans on a date.’
Sirius tensed. James and Remus had been getting along so well these past few days. Not that that was never-before-seen, but James had been showering Remus with more attention and affection; tousling the latter’s hair whenever, carrying his books to all his classes including Arithmancy, and constantly snickering together in classes. Minnie’s scowl had deepened considerably when she realised Remus was just as prone to mischief and class disruption as her two best troublemakers.
‘Padfoot? You heard me? I know I’m asking her out all the time, but do you think she’s not been taking me seriously?’
‘Of course she hasn’t,’ Sirius snapped. He winced at his sharp tone and moderated it. ‘You maintained a longstanding feud with her best friend —’
‘ Former best friend. Snivellus would sooner have her killed than admit his involvement in the dark arts harms her too. It’s a good thing she’s seen the light at last.’
‘Yeah, all right. Bloody dark wizards…’ Sirius grimaced. ‘But they’d been friends before Hogwarts. You can’t compare to that, can you?’
‘No,’ James deflated. He hesitated for a bit but said, ‘Should I have been kinder to Snivellus?’
Sirius snorted, ‘Kinder to dark arts fanatics? I would advise against it…’ He added, ‘Though Moony does tell us we could stand to be less antagonistic towards the Slytherins.’ Just then, the sound of footsteps got louder. They immediately hushed.
Filch paused. His eyes narrowed at the spot where Sirius and James stood, but after a prolonged stare, he huffed away. The teenagers were quick to wrap things up and in no time were on their way back to the Gryffindor Tower.
Adrenaline coursing through their veins, both of them smiled from ear to ear, excited to witness the absolute mayhem in the morning. When they were climbing the staircase to their tower, James felt it safe to bring up the Evans issue again.
‘Pads, I…I more than fancy her. Evans is proper fit, but she’s also so clever and kind and sensible. How do I get her to take me seriously?’ Sirius could hear the tremble in his best friend’s voice. He wanted to comfort James, but he remembered that blasted morning when he saw Remus standing in front of James’s bed, softly touching him. He remembered the stillness of that moment, the gentle disturbance in the air, when he discovered that their resident wallflower was in love with none other than the ringleader of their little group, James Fleamont Potter.
Wrestling the sudden flurry of thoughts in his head, Sirius suppressed all but the most important one — Remus loved James. ‘To hell with Evans!’ he said. ‘She doesn’t care for you. She doesn’t even understand how much you care for her!’ He proceeded to count the long list of sappy things James had done to win her affections, including growing a peace lily and brewing Felix Felicis last year to help her find her favourite blanket. Covertly brewing liquid luck had been outrageous because one, that was a NEWT-level potion, and two, they’d been attempting the animagi transformations during the same period. In summary, James had been juggling advanced magic of two kinds, Quidditch, and O.W.L.s.
‘Maybe Moony is right. I should be kinder. Even to Slytherins. Who’s to say all the snakes are horrible, dark wizards? Maybe some of them have no choice but to pretend they believe in all that mumbo jumbo about pureblood supremacy,’ James said right as they landed in front of the Fat Lady. He gave the password and it swung open, but not without the Fat Lady attempting to find out who they were.
‘They’re still making it unsafe for everyone who’s not a pureblood! They’re normalising bigotry against muggles. Did you not see one of those snakes hex a Ravenclaw for singing a muggle song the other day?’ Sirius huffed in indignation.
With the cloak tucked inside his robe, James sighed, ‘Bloody hell…Ok, not those who’re hexing people for simply liking muggle things, but others – there might be some Slytherins who are less fortunate, stuck with the wrong crowd, so they have to pretend. They’re not all evil. Think of Old Sluggy. He’s not a dark wizard.’
Stopping by the window to gaze at the waning moon, Sirius said, ‘I wouldn’t trust him with my last good quill, let alone my life.’ His eyes closed. ‘Evans is a bad influence.’
James leaned against the staircase. He broke into low chuckles, a little delirious as exhaustion mixed with the night’s adrenaline. ‘What?’
‘You said you fancied her and now we’re discussing the morals of a pillock that collects students like they’re chess pieces.’ Sirius savoured the faint breeze on his face. ‘Bad, bad influence. Making handsome, young lads use their brains. Oh, I ought to be snogging someone in a broom cupboard somewhere…’
‘Should I really give up?’ came the quiet question, so quiet Sirius had half a mind to ignore it.
But Sirius’s brain kicked into overdrive again. Images of Remus kept running through his mind. Something about seeing that slender back, those lovely fingers, and the curve of that nose as the owner of those ever-bland features turned to leave. With fatigue setting in, he murmured, ‘Maybe you need to give her space. Look around. Date someone else. Like a friend.’ Yawning, he repeated, ‘Why not date a friend?’
James snortled, ‘Yeah, why not…’
The April Fool’s Prank was a success. They had a blast (pun intended) and each of them got slapped with two weeks’ detention each. All through spring, Sirius tried to matchmake James and Remus. He dragged Peter away from Quidditch practice, so James could return to the dorm with Remus. He promised to meet James at the library, where Remus regularly studied, to plan their next prank only to not show up. He also agreed to tutor Mary in Charms at the same time as Peter’s chess meetings, so James and Remus had more time alone.
After their late-night conversation about Evans and the ethics of tormenting Slytherins, James began to spend less time pursuing her and casting hexes at the snakes. He limited himself to asking her short questions about lessons, professors and all things sensible only. He even went the extra step to give away the peace lily he’d raised in her name. ‘I’ll miss you,’ James had said to it tearfully as he handed it over to the Ravenclaw head boy, who apparently loved plants. Around this time, Peter started seeing a Hufflepuff bird from his chess club.
All this led to James and Remus getting closer to an unprecedented extent. More and more often, Sirius walked in on them abruptly ceasing chatter and once, Peter pestered them about what they were hiding for a whole afternoon but the two of them only shook their heads in suppressed glee. Any day now they’d be stumbling into secret, enclosed spaces!
Sirius was satisfied. Remus buzzed about happily all day long nowadays. Getting over Evans was also doing wondrous things for James’s mood – while he did get a bit mopey here or there, he was in high spirits overall.
‘You better finish that, Black,’ Marlene tapped him on the shoulder. Behind her, he saw her gaggle of friends disappear into the corridor. ‘You’ve barely touched anything on your plate.’ She stretched her arms and sat down. He was a little surprised but welcomed the company. Peter was on a date, James had already left for Quidditch practice, and Sirius had pushed for Remus to follow. As it was, Sirius had woken up rather late (even later than usual). ‘Eat up now. You haven’t been eating properly.’
Sirius took a bite of his bacon. ‘Spying on me, McKinnon?’
She rolled her eyes and said, ‘Like anything you do is subtle. You’ve been strange lately…Not hanging off of Potter. Not hexing the Slytherins. Haven’t run into you in any of the empty classrooms either.’
‘You keep track of me? Didn’t know you were still interested,’ smirked Sirius.
‘Prat,’ Marlene picked up a pea and threw it at him. ‘I’ve observed some peculiar symptoms that point to a certain illness that I’d like to diagnose you with.’ Sirius arched an eyebrow. ‘A sudden and complete change in behaviour. Lack of interest in shagging. Loss of appetite. Head in the clouds. Prolonged staring at a specific someone . What do you think?’
‘I’ve been busy?’ He stabbed a sausage. Busy getting Prongs to fall in love with Moony.
Marlene let out a frustrated sigh. He heard her mutter ‘ oaf’ under her breath. Before he could object, she said, ‘Spit it out, Black. I know you’re in love.’
Sirius blinked. Perplexed, he said, ‘Because my appetite is lacking?’
‘Because you’ve been rejecting everyone who asks you out and spending all of Transfiguration, Herbology, DADA and Charms staring at Lupin. Perhaps Care of Magical Creatures too – I should’ve taken that.’
Sirius choked on the dratted chunk of meat. ‘What?’ he said, grey eyes watering.
Marlene stared at him. ‘Are you telling me you—’ she blanched, and made a noise like a whimper. ‘This is why Mary didn’t want me to talk to you about this. She knew you didn’t know!’ Her lips pressed into a line. ‘You heard nothing from me, okay? I was just checking on you ‘cause Lupin has been spending more time with Potter than with you and usually he wouldn’t, so I thought you were upset and that’s why you were eating so —’ Marlene slapped a hand over her mouth. ‘I think I see Dorcas. Dorcas, babe! I should leave. Merlin! Oh Merlin! I’m sorry, Black. Take care. Eat!’ She scrambled away.
Really, given everything at breakfast, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he was in a terrible mood. When Sirius Black was in a terrible mood, it was a terrible day for everyone. It didn’t help that James, rather than snogging Remus senseless like any sensible person would, had his tongue shoved down someone else’s throat. Sirius saw red. He wrested them apart and yelled out some colourful words. Then, wands were whipped out.
By the time McGonagall stormed onto the Gryffindor Landing, Remus and Lily closely trailing her, James and Sirius were engaged in a relentless battle with a lively audience. Not only were they quick with spells, each understood the other well enough to dodge all manners of hexes and curses. Paradoxically, if one got hit, it was because of their incredible familiarity with one another. As the Quidditch captain, James received a ton of cheers but Sirius, ever the picture of handsome, boasted a significant number of fangirls.
‘Ask him!’ James hissed. ‘He attacked me first! Without warning, for no reason, absolutely no reason whatsoever! Unbelievable! Irrational!’
They sat in McGonagall’s office, patched up with basic healing spells and a potion that Pompfrey had pushed onto their hands disapprovingly. The burning fire cast a dim light around the room. It deepened the shadows in Minnie’s face.
Their head of house turned to Sirius. He was still seething and refused to meet her eyes. ‘Mr Black,’ she uttered the words icily. ‘Is Mr Potter telling the truth?’ Fighting the hurricane raging inside of him, Sirius nodded. He heard a sharp intake of breath. ‘Would you like to tell us why?’ When Sirius stayed mum, she intoned, ‘Four weeks’ detention each. Fifty points from Gryffindor.’ Sirius’s jaw strained. They usually pulled so many pranks that professors didn’t deduct house points readily.
James sputtered, ‘But the house cu–’
‘You should’ve thought of that before tonight’s spectacle. Good night.’
‘Professor, I was defending myself !’
‘Which is why I haven’t taken fifty points each . Good night.’
On the way back to the Gryffindor tower, the two boys marinated in silence, anger and on James’s part, immense confusion. He ran a hand through his unruly hair. For a second, he was tempted to smack Padfoot and force him to talk, but when he felt the small bump on his left temple, another bout of anger surged through him.
After tossing and turning for close to two hours, Sirius stalked down the stairs to lounge in the common room. He took a seat by the fireplace. It wasn’t long before he felt another presence.
‘Padfoot?’ Moony’s deep timbre filled the cold air. Sirius grunted in response. ‘I…You good? Want to talk?’ He shook his head. ‘Yeah, I’m probably not who you need right now. Sorry for disturbing you. Sleep soon, okay? We have a full day of classes tomorrow.’
Sirius listened to the footsteps softly pad away. Before he could overthink it, he called back his friend. ‘Stay with me?’
‘Of course,’ came the whisper.
They just sat for a while. ‘I just got so angry ,’ Sirius choked with emotions. ‘Because—’ he exhaled heavily, and moved to the floor, where Moony was sitting. The latter didn’t express surprise if he felt any. They savoured the warmth from the fireplace.
A long spell of silence later, Remus felt the heaviness of his eyelids grow. His eyes had just closed when he heard the soft muttering of Sirius, ‘I know that you…I know, Moony.’ His eyes tore open. His heart hammered against his ribcage. Sirius knew. What did Sirius know?
‘What, Pads?’ Remus’s voice was steady and calm.
Then, Sirius took a deep breath and looked into Remus’s eyes — the gold flecks in them visible even without the sunlight. ‘You love James,’ he mumbled. He caught a split-second change in his friend’s expression, which remained passive for the most part.
‘I love James,’ said Remus, almost testing it out loud, like this was the first time he’d dared to say it.
Suddenly, the dark-haired boy felt a pair of ghost hands squeeze his heart, wringing out of it all the blood and life and love and spirit. It bled all over and spilled all over, from his lungs to his diaphragm, from his sternum to his ribs, from his chest to his head to his toes. He briefly shut his eyes and cursed that fateful morning he discovered Remus’s truth, and again cursed this morning when he discovered his own truth. They intertwined together, and they squeezed his heart even harder.
Remembering he hadn’t responded, he said, ‘It’s okay, Moons. I don’t mind. It’s fantastic actually. My two best friends. You’d make a wonderful couple. Just…two of my favourite people keeping each other happy. I couldn’t ask for more.’ He managed a smile, and hoped that it didn’t come off strained.
‘You think we’d be wonderful together?’
‘Of course. He needs someone sensible and you need someone to coax you out of your shell.’
‘I’m not very sensible, Pads.’ Sirius snorted. ‘I really am not…I never actually stop you two from fooling about and taking things too far. I enjoy your company far too much. If I…If I weren’t a werewolf…I would be just as impulsive, just as loudmouthed. I’d walk around shirtless in the dorm. I’d hex everyone who pissed me off…and I bet I’d piss off Evans more than James ever has.’ They shared a chuckle at the expense of their missing friend. ‘Did you do that?’ At Sirius’s curious glance, he elaborated, ‘Make James sensible these past few months. He hasn’t been pestering Evans. I think she appreciates that. Girls don’t actually like it when boys pester them, do they?’
Sirius dragged his eyes away from Remus’s rosy cheeks. Observing the boy’s lovely, bony fingers instead, he said, ‘No, they don’t. I figured it out when that sixth-year prefect hexed me in fourth year. She scolded me for being an insensitive prat with no concept of boundaries.’ He paused. ‘I didn’t do it for Evans. I’ve never cared for her feelings or what James does to pursue her. It’s just never mattered to me.’
‘You did it because you figured I loved James.’
‘Yes,’ admitted Sirius. ‘I couldn’t bear to see you unhappy. It was a very unpleasant thought. That you were suffering in silence and would have to get your heart crushed as James pranced around a bird that didn’t give two hoots about him. It seemed silly. You’re closer to him. You’re better to him. You like him even when he’s a complete prat. And you don’t nag him, but you do let him know when you’re disappointed. So you two are perfect together, aren’t you?’ For a heartbeat, he thought that applied to him and Moony too.
‘We’re just friends…and I don’t think Prongs fancies blokes. Shouldn’t you have checked that first?’ The sharp pain in Remus’s voice reflected in Sirius’s heart. Remus loved James.
‘I was embarrassingly preoccupied with my plan to get Prongs to fall in love with you.’ How is it possible to not fall for you? Silence stretched between them.
‘Why did you fight him?’
Sirius shifted in his spot. Reluctantly, he supplied a half-truth, ‘He was snogging that seventh-year bird, Haerin Lee. I thought he’d have caught up by now and declared his love for you any day soon…All my efforts gone to hell! Really, I’d spent way too many hours with Wormtail — great lad, but not in the classroom. The whole thing made me see red. I mean…’ I realised I loved you and wanted to hurt everything that hurt you.
Remus turned to him. Sirius’s breath hitched in his throat. Such gorgeous eyes, he thought. ‘Apologise to him,’ Remus said gently. ‘Drop this hairbrained scheme of yours. It doesn’t matter to me how James feels about me. I’m an expert in…unrequited love. I’ll get over it.’
Selfishly, Sirius agreed. He wondered what Moony would think about falling in love with him instead. He wouldn’t even need to concoct a shoddy plan to get them together.
Things gradually returned to normal. Sirius didn’t have to grovel for forgiveness. He and James were the best of best friends, two peas in a pod, brothers from different mothers, a singular soul split into two. A sincere apology earned him back his best friend in the swish of a wand. The detentions turned out to be a blessing. James and Sirius were joined at the hip again.
The exams were a breeze. Moony griped about how carefree Sirius and James were whenever he took a respite from studying although he was consoled by the fact that the two opened their books at all. For O.W.L.s, the duo hadn’t bothered (or needed) to study. Meanwhile, Wormtail moaned and groaned about his own capabilities, but braved his exams like the Gryffindor he was.
On the romance front, James was spending more Hogsmeade weekends on dates than the past six years combined. For all intents and purposes, he was happy, but Sirius never missed the momentary hurt that crossed his face whenever Evans passed by with her Ravenclaw boyfriend – a blond swot she’d started seeing recently. Peter’s thing with his Hufflepuff bird fell through.
Known only to Sirius, all four of them were suffering through heartbreak. He snorted at the unexpected development. He’d spent much of his time at Hogwarts seeking refuge from his evil family. It hadn’t occurred to him that he’d ever get close enough to anyone to fall in love. To him, only James had mattered. The more estranged he became from Regulus, the more he clung onto James, and the latter had been so patient, so generous.
‘Hey Padfoot,’ Remus smiled as he plopped down next to Sirius. Running his hands through the soft grass, he suppressed a yawn. ‘Where’re the others?’
Sitting up to lean against the large tree, Sirius said, ‘Gobstones match in the Ravenclaw Tower. You had a good nap?’ He took in Remus’s slightly overgrown hair that stuck out at the back and the creases under his eyes.
‘As ever,’ Remus said, closing his eyes . An air of tranquillity surrounded him. This Moony was a well-kept secret. He existed only with his three friends. Merlin, Sirius wanted to touch him. ‘Your first summer holidays with the Potters. You excited?’
‘Of course.’
Remus tilted his head to look at him and Sirius’s heart picked up pace. The sunlight cast a glow on his face, tawny locks glittering and amber eyes warm with gold. Sirius’s eyes trailed downwards to his glistening lips. He wondered if Remus put anything on them or if they shimmered naturally. His eyes darted upwards and he caught Remus’s gaze, the intensity rivalling the inferno in his belly.
The werewolf closed his eyes again and began humming under his breath. It had to be a muggle song because Sirius didn’t recognise the tune.
June passed into July and July into August. The quartet visited one another by Floo a couple of times and both Remus and Peter stayed over a weekend. Remus even accompanied Sirius to Muggle London to bargain for the best second-hand motorbike. Owls circled the Potter house throughout summer. Sirius and James practised apparating for their license. They played Quidditch every afternoon, and the former remembered how much he’d enjoyed the sport in his childhood. He tried not to think too much about his brother – they were different sorts of people now; that cherubic boy he used to lead around the garden was long gone.
At night, Sirius did his best to shut out any thoughts of his tawny-haired friend. But sometimes he couldn’t resist and his hand would find its way between his legs. It always ended with shame, but Sirius knew that this too would pass. He’d survived his family; he could survive unrequited love as well — Remus, at least, was worthy of his affection.
Come September, it didn’t escape anyone’s notice that the Marauders, as they’d taken to call themselves officially, had matured at last. They played a few pranks but within reason (nobody ran out of classrooms screaming), stopped hexing unsuspecting schoolmates (though Remus and Peter had never been involved in that ), and actually studied when in the library. However, the band of four, armed with extensive knowledge of the castle, did regularly sneak out after hours to steal ( buy , Remus insisted) chocolates from Honeydukes and Firewhisky from Hog’s Head.
James had become head boy, courtesy of his excellent leadership of the Quidditch team. They’d celebrated with a party and even invited a couple of Slytherins (although Dorcas, as Marlene’s girlfriend, didn’t need an invite). It was at this party that Sirius had snogged his first boy. Very ironically, a Slytherin. It was too much teeth and a lot of hair pulling, but when Sirius pressed his hips against the Slytherin’s, he felt like he’d reached a higher place. Later as the crowd thinned, he found himself ensconced in an armchair with the boy on his lap. In between sips of firewhisky, they kissed and altogether, Sirius thought it an exceptional experience.
Afterwards, people of all genders started flirting with Sirius. They asked him out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They cornered him outside classrooms, the library, and even the edge of the Forbidden Forest after Care of Magical Creatures. Some of the bolder ones would drag him away from his friends in the middle of conversation, and others asked him to meet at the Astronomy Tower after curfew. Sirius accepted as many as he physically could. Shagging a boy had also been another experience.
But sometimes, when he wasn’t careful enough, he found himself alone with Moony. Merlin did Sirius hate those moments. Was unrequited love always so painful? So delusional? Every time their eyes met, it sent a thrill down his spine. Every time he breathed in Moony’s scent, his heart faltered. He loved seeing him beam and hearing him laugh, and he hated seeing him beam and hearing him laugh all the same. How had Moony handled it? How did Moony handle unrequited love? It hurt so bad, and Sirius scolded himself internally for not pushing those two to get together. Because Remus and James would be so perfect together. They both deserved to be so happy. Sirius no longer created opportunities for the particular duo to hang out; they did it on their own. They shared secret conversations. They disappeared together sometimes. But Remus insisted James would never fall in love with him, and one day, he said he was over him.
Flashes of lightning struck the sky. Sirius laughed at the happy drunks who cheered louder when the deafening sound of thunder echoed across the common room. As he made his way out of the dance floor, he wiped away the sweat beading his skin. He’d been dancing all night, the birthday boy that he was, but the happiest man tonight was James. The head boy was twirling the head girl in his arms. And who was the head girl other than Lily Swotty Evans?
In a bizarre turn of events, James and Lily had started dating. Spending more time together worked wonders for her perception of him — ‘You’re much kinder than I thought,’ Lily’s eyes had brimmed with affection when they were gathered for a picnic. Sirius had always known James was lucky, but this twist of fate really demonstrated that some people had it all.
Although his heart swelled with joy for his brother, a tiny corner of it shrivelled in bitterness and jealousy. Remus seemed unaffected. Rather, he was quite cheery about the whole thing. He and Lily got on like a house on fire. Remus was a halfblood, so he had a good grasp on muggle matters and with Lily being muggleborn, it meant they could talk without any cultural barrier. Sirius himself had warmed up to the redhead fairly quickly. He loved people who loved the people he loved.
Of course if Remus was truly and sincerely over James, it somewhat explained the sight Sirius was witnessing. From his corner in the dimly lit room, he looked at the lack of space between Moony and some bird from the year below. His hand snaked around her waist, pushing their bodies together, her ears in between his lips. Ah, a werewolf that loves to bite. How unexpected… Sirius spun around. His gut wrenched in a horrible fashion. One, two, breathe…One, two, breathe…One, two, breathe… He could do this. He could get over him. He could get over his feelings for one of his favourite people in the world.
Sirius was taken aback by the teardrops on the table. His fingers gently collected them. How long had it been since he’d cried? Even as a young child, it had been uncommon for him to shed any tears. His magic had always been unduly strong. It had always protected him from magical punishment, casting shielding charms and countercurses to anything his parents threw at him. It healed all his injuries instantly, leaving his skin without blemish in spite of the trinkets his mother hurled at him. He could protect Regulus by simply holding his hand. Even among purebloods, he had been remarkable, the strength of his magic unheard of. Only when he got his wand did it temper itself.
A warm hand pried his fingers open as another pulled his head to face a pair of amber eyes. ‘You’re crying,’ Remus slurred. ‘You don’t cry, Pads.’
The dark-haired wizard stilled. He took in the dilated pupils, the bruised lips, and the foreign scent of citrus. Jealousy shot up his horrible, wicked, mangled heart. ‘I guess I do now,’ he spat out as another roll of thunder enveloped them.
Remus took no offence and maintained a steady and tender gaze. ‘I hate seeing you upset.’
‘That’s too late, isn’t it, Moony? I’ve been upset for ages now,’ Sirius couldn’t stop the jealousy from consuming him. ‘I’ve been upset since I was the most promising heir of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. I’ve been upset since I learned my family lived by disgusting, rotten ideals of blood supremacy. I’ve been upset since I escaped from that prison I called home without my brother, I’ve been upset since I figured out — no, since McKinnon figured out for me — that I’m in love with you!’ He breathed heavily, cheeks drenched now, his tears as heavy as the rain outside. All around them, the party raged on. A couple of witches extended their arms out the windows to feel the downpour. Some muggleborn had had enough of wizarding music and switched the vinyl to the latest muggle hits.
That was when Sirius knew. From the lack of Remus tensing, from the way his gaze didn’t falter, from how he kept the intimate distance between them. ‘You knew,’ his own voice trembled. ‘You knew and you didn’t think to tell me that you did.’ His stomach knotted in deep fear of what he was about to hear.
‘C’mon, Pads. Let’s get you freshened up. You have snot coming out of your nose,’ Remus smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. The brown of them dulled. Sirius inwardly cursed at Remus’s self-restraint and innumerable walls, his ability to pull back from anything emotional, anything intense, anything real .
He was so dumbfounded that he let the werewolf drag him to their shared dorm. They navigated the enthusiastic crowd with ease, experienced as they were in attending overpopulated parties. In the dorm, Remus wiped away his tears and snot — Sirius winced at the blistering touch — and soaked a towel in warm water to mop up his sweat. His tenderness was without mercy. ‘You should change and go to bed. I’ll turn in too. It’s been an exhausting day, hasn’t it?’
A few hours later, James and Peter stumbled into the dorm, giggling and shushing one another entirely too loudly, their drunken rambles refusing to sink into the morose air. At last, Peter’s snores reverberated around the room, and Sirius snuck into James’s bed, where he melted into his best friend’s arms, muffled sobs racking his body. James sobered up right away, but didn’t question, simply tightened his hold on him.
While completing his morning routine, Sirius resolved to overcome his feelings. The previous night’s disaster convinced him this was a lost cause. Not only did Remus not feel the same, he didn’t even respect Sirius enough to reject him properly. Sirius would do his best to maintain a respectable distance until these troublesome feelings extinguished themselves and they could all have a laugh in some distant future about teenage hormones and callous hearts.
That thought lasted until the end of breakfast. Remus’s false cheeriness irked him. His polite requests, deceptive smiles, his carrying on conversations like nothing had changed, like he hadn’t ripped apart Sirius’s heart and stomped on it with his fake concern. By noon, Sirius decided that he hated Remus; hated his dull, brown hair and equally dull, brown eyes, hated his greasy lips and skinny back. He hated that Remus used his wit and intelligence to conceal and deceive, that he didn’t have the Gryffindor courage to confront his own friends, that maybe Remus was so adept at pretending they’d all been misled to believe in his goodness that didn’t exist.
Anger balled into rage, disbelief into spite. As day turned to night, Sirius found himself snarkier, meaner, nastier . He wouldn’t touch anything Lupin touched. He would angle his vision such that he didn’t have to acknowledge the tosser’s presence. He’d laugh with James and tease Peter but Lupin he wouldn’t reply or respond to.
It came to a head some three weeks later. Fixing his robes, Sirius scrambled through the hole, and stopped to rub the lipstick off of his lips. Before he could tug off the invisibility cloak he’d nicked from James’s trunk, he heard his name uttered with an indignant huff. Who was so obsessed with him this late at night? Still under the cloak, Sirius peered at the direction of the voices to see Lily and Lupin sat face-to-face, a teapot in between them.
‘He’s treating you horribly, Remus,’ Lily’s tone was partly sympathetic, partly infuriated. ‘How are you okay with him deriding you like that?’
Lupin said mildly, ‘That’s just Padfoot. You have to let him release all his anger. It’s not good for him otherwise.’ Sirius’s lips twitched in irritation.
‘And the way for him to release his anger is by disrespecting you?’
‘He’s not disrespecting me,’ a faint quiver in his voice betrayed the defensiveness he felt for Sirius, who doubted Lily caught that. On the surface, his face was schooled into an unperturbed smile. ‘He gets carried away by his emotions sometimes, but he’s the sweetest. When you become better friends, you’ll understand.’
‘Ignoring your questions, refusing to look at you, leaving when you arrive. Earlier today you were struggling with your books and he stepped aside without offering help. He knows you struggle with chronic pain!’ Lycanthropy, Sirius corrected in his head, and only around the full moon .
‘I was only tired. It wasn’t a flare-up. Padfoot keeps track of when I need extra support. If you must know, he’s helped me carry my things plenty of times. He understands I’m capable of handling it. I’m a wizard.’
‘You almost tripped down the stairs! It’s a good thing James was nearby so he could catch you.’
‘You know, now that you say it, he does have very strong arms. Aren’t you a lucky one, Miss Evans?’ Lupin deflected with a smirk, but Lily was unimpressed. Sirius gritted his teeth.
‘Remus, that’s not going to work.’
‘In that case, I better retire for the night. I’ve only stayed so late to talk about James and his strong, fit, very fit — have I mentioned fit — body.’
That was the last straw. Just as Lily rolled her eyes, Sirius ripped off the cloak and stormed towards them. Lily yelped in surprise at the unexpected intruder. She protested when he roughly seized Lupin’s arm and whipped out her wand. ‘Stay out of this!’ Sirius snarled. He threw the cloak over the both of them once he dragged Lupin outside. He took them all the way to the Astronomy Tower, stopping only once to let Filch pass without slamming into them.
Lightning flashed, warning them of an incoming thunderstorm. But Sirius ignored it. He snatched off the cloak and spun Lupin around to face him. He glowered at the boy responsible for the fire inside of him. ‘What in the bloody hell is wrong with you? Is there anything you do except for deflecting and running away?’
‘Sirius–’
‘Don’t you dare speak to me with that tone! I don’t need your pity, Lupin,’ he spat out the name like it was poison.
‘Sirius,’ Lupin persisted. ‘Is this necessary?’ A clasp of thunder boomed. ‘Can’t we leave all this behind? I don’t mind how you feel about me.’
The dark-haired boy shouted, ‘Well, I do! What do you mean by “leave all this behind”? You haven’t even had the decency to reject me. You ought to have done it the moment you realised! That’s the right thing to do.’ Small droplets of water hit his forehead.
Lupin stiffened. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘A little respect from one of my best friends? Yes, indeed. How shocking!’
‘I don’t,’ the werewolf began. ‘I don’t feel the same, Sirius,’ he said, eyes beginning to stray towards the flickering sky. The rain began earnestly.
And even though Sirius had demanded it, his lungs constricted. His breaths shook and against better judgement, he pleaded, ‘Look at me when you say that, please. Moony, please. Tell me you don’t love me. Look me in the eye and tell me, so I can really get over this and we can be proper friends again.’ His tears mixed in with the rain. ‘I miss you,’ he whispered.
Remus’s amber eyes met his, and the lightning emphasised the golden flecks in them. ‘I don’t,’ his voice broke. ‘I don’t love you, Pads. I…I don’t go around falling for every dark-haired wizard…or witch for the matter.’
Sirius stepped closer. His palms cupped Remus’s cheeks, thumbs absorbing the little droplets spilling from his eyes. Tears . ‘You don’t,’ repeated Sirius. Tears. A flicker of hope lit somewhere deep in his belly. ‘You don’t. Then, why are you crying?’
‘Maybe I miss you too,’ Remus broke into a sob on the last word. He inhaled deeply to steady himself. ‘You’re one of my best friends,’ he attempted a friendly smile, but there were thick tear tracks on his smooth cheeks. He didn’t pull away from Sirius’s hold, and to the latter’s quiet delight, he leaned into the hands holding him.
‘Why didn’t you say anything in the first place? You should’ve brought it up and rejected me right away.’
‘I wasn’t sure how to.’
‘It’s not difficult to say ‘I know how you feel and I don’t feel the same’. You did it just now.’
‘I was forced to, remember? And…you know…it’s not every day people fall for boring, sickly boys that turn into beasts once a month.’ How dare he?How dare he talk about himself like that?
Sirius squashed his growing irritation at Remus’s self-deprecating attitude. He’d deal with that later. Right now, hoping against hope, he begged, ‘If you weren’t forced to say you didn’t feel the same, what would you say instead?’ Remus shoved Sirius away, causing the dark-haired boy to tumble back a few steps. Those amber eyes turned hostile. Sirius’s stomach plunged, but he repeated, ‘What would you say?’ His heart was racing. What would you say?
‘I’ve kept my end of the bargain. We leave all this behind.’
The little hope in Sirius warped into despair, and that despair reignited his anger. Only now he was angry at himself. He kneaded his eyes, pressing hard to expel all the tears he had in one go, to drain himself of all the blood so he could start over, be a new Sirius Black that was not delusional, that was not hopeful, that did not love a Remus Lupin.
‘I’m sorry for telling you,’ his teeth gnashed together. ‘I’m sorry for expecting you to love me. I know I’ve never cared for you as much as James.’ Why was his voice shaking so much? ‘I’ve never been as kind, as generous, as loving, so I shouldn’t be expecting you to love me when I’ve never shown it, when you’ve never felt it, when I didn’t even know until you’d already rejected me.’ Sirius felt fresh tears fall. He thought back to when Marlene called him unsubtle, and added, ‘I’m sorry for being so stupidly obvious that you felt uncomfortable. I knew you were in love with James, and you’ve only just got over him. I’m sorry for pushing my feelings onto you. I’m sorry.’
He let rain wash over him. Maybe it would make him new. When he opened his eyes at last, Remus was standing close to him, head bowed. He mumbled something, but the rain muffled what he said. Sirius asked him to repeat himself.
‘You didn’t…I didn’t know until…’ Remus struggled and he settled on, ‘That night…of course I noticed you were in love with me after that night…You said you couldn’t bear to see me unhappy.’ He lifted his head to peer into Sirius’s stormy grey eyes. ‘You and James…Inseparable as you are…But there you were telling me that you swapped seats in all your lessons, so James would spend more time with me and…and return these feelings I supposedly had for him. You, our most striking womaniser, were so consumed by the thought that I shouldn't be upset, rejected the prettiest girls in school for months . You, Sirius Black, brawled with James Potter, your best friend — your brother — because you were angry he was snogging someone that wasn’t me, because he was breaking my heart and it hurt you,’ he chuckled at the end. ‘Half the time I was in disbelief. The other half I was in awe…You didn’t impose your feelings on me, you know? It’s just…I’m always trying to piece you together, so…’
Suddenly, Sirius felt like a madman. Why was Remus looking at him like that? Why was he speaking to him like that? Was unrequited love always this painful? This delusional? Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. He had to ask once more. ‘Remus, do you love me?’ He opened his eyes to see a crumpling expression on the other boy. ‘I’m sorry. Right, James—’
‘I love James,’ exhaled Remus. ‘But not the way I love you. He’s my best friend. You’re…how do I describe it, Pads? It hurts. I resent it. The way I love you.’
For the first time in months, Sirius felt the air enter his lungs. ‘Then, why, Moony? Why are you doing this?’
The soft lines of Remus’s face hardened. His smile a blend of sardonic and misery, he said, ‘You really don’t know why?’
The anger, the rage, the disbelief returned in full force, and this time the cocktail of negative emotions was directed at the boy facing him. ‘You know it doesn’t matter to me! It doesn’t matter to our best friends. It doesn’t matter to the people that matter.’
Remus’s face contorted hideously. ‘It matters to me!’ he screamed. ‘Sirius, you must be mad to think I’d do that to you! You think I'd saddle you with my sorry lycanthropic arse? You think I'd let you waste your life with a stigmatised half-breed —’
‘Don’t call yourself that!’
‘ — when you could be with someone better, healthier, funnier, prettier — someone who doesn’t lose their sense of self because a circle appeared in the sky!’
‘You wouldn’t be letting me do anything! I’d be choosing you! I am. ’
‘Well, don’t!’ Remus cried out. ‘You’ve done enough. Sirius, you’ve risked — you are risking Azkaban for me.’
‘And why do you think?’
‘I don’t know! For the thrill of it! The consequences were probably secondary to you secretive berks.’
‘A bit rich coming from you! Merlin! It’s because even before I fell in love with you, I loved you. James and Peter and I…You’re one of the kindest, most patient, and most charming people I’ve – we’ve met. Prongs and I — Prongs knew he wanted to be friends with you right away, but I knew we had to become friends when you hexed that third-year Slytherin for making fun of Gloomy Greta. You were heroic as bloody hell, tiny that you were in first year! I thought you were the coolest bloke around.’
They let the rainwater further seep into their bones. Sirius knew they should leave. He knew they would get sick — Remus would get sick. But he was rooted to the spot. There were so many things they had yet to say.
He rubbed his face in frustration and muttered, ‘This is why I didn’t come to you with the James plan in the first place. I knew you’d be so consumed by self-pity that you’d refuse to entertain the possibility of him loving you back…and was I wrong? Only you’re doing it to the possibility of us .’
‘Oh sod off!’ Remus roared, startling the boy before him, his voice growing louder than the thunder. ‘I’ve been entertaining the possibility of us for three years running! While you were out snogging Rebecca and Gayatri and Jessica and Fatima! While you were extensively describing Marlene’s lips and Mary’s eyes and Siobhan’s skin and–and–and…’
Sirius stood, stunned. He stared as the words gushed out of Remus, ‘While you were busy with your flavour of the week, I was consumed with thoughts of you! While you disappeared into empty classrooms and broom cupboards, while you were pulled into hidden alcoves, while you were approached by the windows, in the Great Hall, after Potions, before Herbology…I was...’
Remus withdrew his gaze. ‘I was thinking and hoping and wishing. I was…how you grinned at me with dirt on your cheek, how you hugged me a little tighter after we won Quidditch matches, how you were so gentle with me around full moons…’ His face twisted in pain and his voice cracked, ‘So sod off. You’re not allowed to tell me I don’t entertain the possibility of us. If I don’t, it’s because wanting you hurt so bad I had to train my mind not to go there.’
‘Moony, can I hug you?’ Sirius waited. The second he received a nod, he wrapped his arms around his favourite person. He squeezed tighter when he felt Remus press into him. ‘You’ve never been in love with James, have you?’
‘No, I don’t know where you got that from.’
‘This…one morning in late February, when I got up, you were by his bedside, stroking his hair. It was so intimate…like you were in a whole other dimension. I felt like an interloper.’
Sirius felt Remus vibrate against his chest and the werewolf tipped his head to reveal wet eyes brimming with amusement. ‘His haircut reminded me of yours in third year. When you used the wrong spell to dry it.’ Sirius felt the wind knocked out of him.
Breathlessly, he said, ‘ Please . We’d be so good together.’ He only hoped his eyes were as truthful as his heart, that Remus could glean from them his sincerity.
‘ Pads… ’
Sirius leaned down to touch their damp foreheads. ‘My plan to get you and James together was to get you to spend all your waking time together. You know why? Because anyone would fall for you if they got to know you. The moment someone had a chance with you, they’d want you. It made perfect sense to me…Because I’ve known for roughly five months that I’m in love with you, but I’ve been in love with you for ages.’ His hand caressed the pale face beneath him, tracing the quivering lips.
‘It was a very stupid plan,’ Remus angled his head to kiss the finger by his mouth. Sirius’s heart fluttered. ‘James and I have always spent a ridiculous amount of time together. We share a dorm.’
‘Oh but if he knew he could have you, could he resist?’
Remus responded with a string of chuckles. ‘He better. Lily would hex us into oblivion.’
‘Will you have me then?’
‘I don’t understand why you want to ruin your life. Society does not take kindly to werewolves. The laws are discriminatory. My prospects are bleak. I don’t know how I’ll even get a job, and I’ll need one. I’ve nothing to inherit.’
‘Ruin my life? Moony, you do understand that you’re going to be in my life forever, and you always were? I’m asking if you’ll let me hold you when your day is shite. Make you breakfast when you’re knackered from the full moon. Watch muggle movies and argue about the best parts. Travel around Europe in my soon-to-be flying motorbike. Hex all the bigots of this world until they beg us for mercy. Society is terrible, but I’m a veteran at rebelling against it. I was a fifteen-year-old runaway for Merlin’s sake!’ At this, Remus smiled at him proudly. ‘And it’s okay if your prospects are bleak. Because I’ll be there until they aren’t — and afterwards too.’ When Moony tugged on his waist to pull him closer, Sirius held on tight.
They swayed under the rain in each other’s arms. Remus began humming. This time Sirius knew the song. He leaned in for a kiss and it was a while before they parted. When he pressed his lips against Remus’s again, he started singing, ‘ You charmed the heart right out of me ; Don’t need no broom, I’m flying free... ’
Remus laughed and picked up, ‘ I think by now it’s plain to see…I’m nothing without you…’ Then, they were kissing again, and wouldn’t stop until the rain subsided and they couldn’t ascertain whether they were dizzy from staying out in the rain or the lovely kisses.
Pomfrey had fussed over them to no end, particularly Remus, who had three days to recover in time for the full moon. Both boys had gotten sick with fever, stuffy nose and sore throat. Given that Remus was more vulnerable around this period anyway, he’d had a higher temperature, and when he turned that month, the wolf was weaker and more irate than usual. It didn’t leave the shack, just beckoned Padfoot over for a cuddle, and slept through the night. Prongs and Wormtail exchanged knowing glances.
Sirius and Remus tried to keep their new relationship status secret. Neither of them had ever dated anyone, and they wanted to take the time to figure out their new dynamic. In any case, Remus preferred staying in the background whereas Sirius drew attention by merely existing. It was, however, a colossal failure.
Two days after the full moon, James found them snogging in the bathroom. He grabbed his toothbrush and said, ‘You should’ve done this two years ago, Moony. At least Padfoot would’ve been on time for Quidditch practice. You know we had to let him go only because he wouldn’t show up in the mornings.’ Remus coloured while Sirius simply swooped down to recapture his boyfriend’s plush lips.
Also that very morning, Peter, fearing he’d walk in on the new lovebirds naked or shagging, said, ‘ Muffliato and Colloportus . Never forget.’ Remus groaned as Sirius and James dissolved into fits of laughter.
Marlene, untangling herself from Dorcas, squealed when she saw them at breakfast. ‘Congratulations!’ she grinned and shook Sirius’s hand.
At the same time, Mary rushed to give him a side hug and took a seat beside him. ‘Hope you don’t mind, Lupin,’ she said cheekily.
‘How?’ Remus looked between the two girls, horrified. He and Peter had entered behind James and Sirius, and their seating arrangements remained the same — the former two on one side, the latter two on the other, with James between his girlfriend and best friend.
Lily pecked James on the cheek and answered, ‘Love bites, my sweetheart.’ She asked James to lean back a little and pointed to a red, hot mark below Sirius’s jaw.
Sipping her tea, Mary said, ‘And there’s another one just below his ear. But the biggest hint was Sirius humming You Charmed the Heart Right Out of Me all day yesterday as he stared at your vacant chair. In. Every. Single. Class.’
Ignoring the chatter, Sirius drank in the sight of Remus, flushed a pretty pink, lips plump from this morning. He recalled the feeling of brushing back those newly trimmed fringes, running fingers along the ridge of that slender back and staying on the bare waist, before sinking his teeth on those scarred shoulders. Under the robe, Remus was a canvas of heated bites and faded scars.
‘Pads, breakfast,’ James smirked, rapping on the table. ‘It’s down here, not over there.’
Sirius tore his gaze away from his boyfriend to focus on his plate. He had a couple of bites, but his jaw hurt from smiling so hard. He couldn’t help but beam. His eyes darted upwards to meet Remus’s, already fixed on him. They smiled harder at each other. ‘How’s your jaw, Moony mine?’
‘It’s here,’ laughed Remus. ‘And yours, Padfoot?’
Head clouded with happiness, he bent across the table (‘Padfoot, the porridge!’) and kissed him. ‘Better now.’ While Peter grumbled about the porridge, the girls broke into a chorus of awws. Sirius expected to see a flustered Moony, but his eyes widened when his boyfriend withdrew from his seat and stalked towards the entrance, leaving everyone stunned.
‘Is Lupin averse to PDA?’ Marlene asked.
Mary reached out to pat his arm. ‘We know he’s always been withdrawn.’
Mouth pulled into a taut line, Sirius got up and said, ‘I better go and talk to him.’ They’d agreed not to be public about their relationship and already he had screwed up. Merlin...
‘Wait, Lupin — he’s coming towards us — no — you. On your side,’ Dorcas’s excitement grew with each word.
Sirius turned just in time for Remus to throw his arms around him and pull him into a searing kiss. When they parted, the hall was pin-drop quiet.
‘Cherry and hibiscus?’
‘Huh? Oh…yeah…I made a deal with Itsy — the house-elf with the spots around her eyes — to get me cherry hibiscus tea every breakfast.’
‘What did you get her?’
‘Just a charm she wanted for her anklet.’
‘When was this?’
‘Fifth-year…After Christmas? Got hooked on it when I returned home for the holidays.’
‘I didn’t know about this…’
‘Well, you get up late, and I could only catch her before the house-elves had to start making breakfast. Begged her for three days straight before she even considered it.’
‘How do you make sure only you get the tea?’
‘House-elf magic? She charms the cups I think…Do you not like the taste? Should I stop drinking it?’
‘No, not at all.’
Then, it was Sirius’s turn to smash their lips together. They got in trouble. Sort of. Minnie broke them apart and gave them detention for causing public chaos — but only a day’s and she didn’t say the detention had to be separately done. The crowd erupted into cheers and jeers and gasps of surprise. James hollered and hooted the loudest (his throat was sore the next day). Some people took to stalking Remus to find out more information on him, but they underestimated how good he was at combat spells. It took a total of one battle to dissuade those stalkers. Some people still accosted Sirius in the corridors and classrooms, and they also learned very quickly how good Remus was at combat spells.
One night, burrowing his nose into Sirius’s neck, Remus said, ‘This makes way more sense.’ Sirius prompted him to elaborate. ‘You and me. We’re both a little messy, but we get each other, don’t we? Prongs is a little too happy and perfect and emotionally stable…and you’re just so much sexier .’
Laughter bubbled out of Sirius’s mouth and they snogged happily ever after.