Fifth Year.
May 18th, 1975.
It’s 1am on Sunday morning and Sirius is currently pacing the empty Gryffindor Common Room, sick with nerves because Remus is missing. At dinner, he told The Marauders that he had something to do and would see them later, and he must have taken the map because when he searched the dorm up and down for it, it was nowhere to be seen.
It’s not uncommon for Remus to be out after hours, but he never stays out this late without telling the others. That’s why Sirius is so worried. His hair is in disarray from nervous tugging, his lips are bitten raw and he has a pounding headache that he suspects will stick around until he knows that Remus is okay.
Remus, who he has been falling in love with since the beginning of their fifth year. It’s hard being in love with your best friend. At first, Sirius thought the way he felt about Remus was just platonic, but it became harder and harder to deny that the way he felt was never really platonic at all.
No, it was anything but with Sirius’ lingering stares, admiring his beauty at all angles. With his longing to be close to Remus, the urge to nuzzle into his neck in the Great Hall just to breathe him in and feel his warmth. With the way his heart raced whenever they made eye contact. You would think that he would’ve been clued in to his own feelings sooner, but he really had no idea.
Because Sirius was straight, wasn’t he?
Wrong. Sirius was far from straight. It was so confusing for him because how could he be gay if he’d never liked a boy before? Sure, he’d never been into girls either, despite being with a number of them since fourth year. He had a new girl in rotation each week, really.
It was frustrating for him because all he wanted was to feel close to someone, but not a single girl ever made him feel the way that his Moony did.
That’s when he realised that maybe he didn’t have to put a label on it, but instead he could just simply… be. Because straight didn’t feel right, but neither did gay, bi, pan, etc. All he knew was that he just wanted Remus for the rest of his life.
Sirius was confused for a long time. Maybe he was just spending loads of time with Remus and his body was tricking him into thinking he felt romantically about him?
Well, those thoughts disappeared the instant he smelt Amortentia a few months back.
It was a few weeks after they had returned from Christmas break when Slughorn announced that he had an exciting lesson planned. One by one, he called upon students to come up to the front of the room and describe to the class what it was they smelt.
Sirius remembers it like it was yesterday. He walked up, suave as ever, and proceeded to lift the lid from the cauldron and lean down, taking in the fumes. The second he recognised the scent, his eyes blew wide and he dropped the lid. It fell to the desk with a clatter and Sirius didn’t waste a second before rushing straight out of the room and to his dorm. He didn’t resurface from his bed - curtains locked and a silencing charm in place - until dinner.
The Marauders questioned him, shooting him concerned looks when he brushed them off, telling them that he’s fine and the reason he ran out of class was because he had the urge to be sick. They clearly didn’t buy his excuses, but they left it alone because it was clear that he would not reveal what actually happened.
Sirius was fine. Really, he was. He was just so shocked. Looking back now, he really shouldn’t have been surprised by what he smelt.
Remus’ grandpa jumpers.
The earthy scent that is Remus Lupin after a full moon.
Milk Chocolate.
All Remus’ trademark scents? Well, at least Sirius no longer questioned what he really felt…
He’s snapped out of his thoughts when the portrait door swings open and one Remus Lupin strolls through, seemingly not noticing Sirius yet. He throws up a silencing charm and clears his throat, attracting Remus’ attention from the other side of the room.
He looks startled to see Sirius up so late, “What are you doing out of bed?”
Sirius raises a brow, giving him his best ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ look, “What are you doing out of bed?
Remus chuckles, walking closer to Sirius and sitting down on the red sofa. He pats the seat next to him and says, “Touché,” as Sirius sits.
Sirius, nerves still fluttering in his stomach but now for an entirely different reason, “J’ai été malade d’inquiétude, Remus. Tu ne peux pas partir sans le dire à personne, au moins à moi.”
Remus raises his brows at Sirius as he moves closer into him, throwing an arm around his neck. “English, please?”
“Sorry,” he says, sheepish, “Where were you?”
Remus’ expression shifts into something that Sirius can’t decipher, “Will you promise not to get mad?”
Anxiety spikes in Sirius’ gut and he does his best to push it down and be mature about this. “No, but I can promise that I’ll do my best to be reasonable.”
Remus laughs, “Good enough for me,” he sighs, turning to face Sirius properly, “I was with Regulus.”
Sirius doesn’t know what to say to that. Remus, his best friend and possibly the love of his life, hangs out with Sirius’ estranged brother behind his back? All he can do is stare. “You were with my brother?”
“Yes, I was.”
“Oh,” his heart sinks, jumping to the worst conclusion, “You’re dating him, then?”
Remus’ face contorts into a look of bewilderment, “What? No! Of course not,” Sirius just looks at him, confused. “He’s been helping me out with something.”
Sirius waits for him to elaborate, but when he doesn’t, he gets suspicious, “Helping you with what?”
“I can’t tell you yet, but what I can say is that it is entirely platonic,” he looks sincere as he speaks, and Sirius begins to calm down. “Besides, it’s been going on for over a year so I think you would know if I was in a relationship by now.”
“Over a year? Why wouldn’t you come to me?” Sirius looks down, feeling put out. Not good enough. Remus’ fingers begin to brush gently over Sirius’ shoulder and he looks up, meeting Remus’ eyes.
“This thing… it’s kind of for you,” Remus smiles a lopsided, brilliant smile. “Reg is the only other person I know that could help me with this.”
“Pour moi?” Sirius murmurs.
Remus smiles, “Hm?”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to mother you. I was just worried when you didn’t come back after dinner. I thought something bad happened.”
He looks at Sirius so fondly then and pulls Sirius fully into him, almost in his lap, and rests his head atop Sirius’. “You and that mind of yours,” he sighs, “Never apologise for caring about me.”
Remus threads his fingers through Sirius’ hair as he pulls back a little to study Remus’ face. Blushing, he whispers, “Tu es beau, tu le sais?”
Heat floods Remus’ cheeks and he pulls Sirius back into him, arms a welcome weight around him. Sirius hums into Remus’ shoulder, wishing he could stay right here forever.
They stay like that for a while, Sirius just breathing in all things Remus while Remus’ hands drag comfortingly through his hair.
“Come on,” Remus whispers in his ear, “Bed.”
“You go, I’ll be up in a minute.”
“Alright,” Remus replies, detangling himself from Sirius and standing, stretching before giving Sirius one last beautiful smile and turning to leave.
When he’s made it up a few stairs, Sirius lets out a fond sigh and says, “J’aimerais pouvoir te dire que je suis amoureux de toi.”
The second the words leave his mouth, Remus freezes on the stairs. Slowly, he turns around and levels Sirius with a look of shock that has him wondering if he said that in English by mistake.
“Tu viens de le faire.”
Now it’s Sirius’ turn to look shocked. Stammering, he asks, “What?”
Remus descends the stairs, making his way back m to Sirius, “You heard me.” The look on his face is indecipherable, and Sirius doesn’t know what to do with that.
Sirius is flushed red from head to toe. “You don’t speak French.”
Remus smiles sweetly, sitting back down and leaning in so his forehead presses against Sirius’, “Qu’est-ce que tu penses que Regulus m’a appris depuis si longtemps?”
And there it is. Flawless French coming from Remus’ mouth, leaving puffs of warm breath on Sirius’ lips that make him squirm.
“Fuck,” Sirius says, standing up from the couch, breaths coming out shallow, “Shit, Remus.”
He attempts to leave, to run and never face Remus again, but a hand on his arm stops him. “Sirius.”
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Sirius,” Remus says again.
“I’m disgusting, I know. I’m sorry,” he refuses to meet Remus’ eye, “I’ll move dorms if it’s what you want, I don’t know. I’ll do anything, just please pretend you didn’t hear what I said. I’m so sorry, Remus-“
“Sirius.” Remus says again, firmly, cupping his face and tilting his chin back so he can finally catch Sirius’ avoidant eyes. “Ces mots sont tout ce que j’ai toujours voulu entendre de toi.”
Sirius barks out a hysterical laugh, “Clearly you’re no good at French if you think what I said was something you want to hear. I bet Regulus is really fed up with you.”
Remus just laughs, open and beautiful, “Je t’aime, Sirius.”
Sirius sighs, shaking his head, “Really, Remus, you don’t know what you’re saying right now.”
Remus just rolls his eyes fondly, “Do you need it in English, Sirius? Fine. I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the beginning of fourth year. Je suis amoureux de toi, Sirius.”
Sirius doesn’t know what to say. The elation that is growing in his gut is becoming too much, too heavy and he lets it out in the only way he knows how to right now. He breaks out in giggles, shoving his head into Remus’ chest. He feels the vibrations of Remus’ laughter through his chest, which makes him laugh even more. This man, the man Sirius is in love with, loves him back. Remus loves him back. Remus and Sirius are in love.
“We are such idiots,” he manages through his giggles, smile unmoving on his face.
“You thought I was dating your brother,” Remus wheezes, yelping when Sirius smacks him lightly on the arm.
“Shut up,” Sirius says, finally starting to come down from his laughter. A wave of peace washes over him and the only thing running through his head is, ‘I’m never letting him go.’
“Sirius?” Remus whispers, all traces of laughter gone, leaving only serenity in its wake.
“Hm?”
“Puis-je t’embrasser?” Remus says lightly into his ear.
Sirius pulls back from his chest and looks into his eyes, “Oui.”