You're Joking Right?

Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
F/M
G
You're Joking Right?
Summary
In another world, Tom didn't become evil, he was hired as the DADA professor. The Mauraders still bullied Severus. There's still house separation, Severus and Lily were broken apart, and Slytherins are still seen as evil and prejudice. A world where there was no Prophecy, no upcoming war. It's Harry Potter's Era, but there's a new face, the daughter of Severus and another witch has come to attend Hogwarts. Seems she's caught the eye of a certain Gryfindor.
All Chapters Forward

First impressions

The market was loud and busy, shops filled with children and their parents' gathering materials for the new school year at Hogwarts. Harry and his Mother Lily had been in a rush, separated. Newfound freedom, Harry decided to explore Diagon Alley by himself.

 

Through the crowded people, his hand held on the side of his head to keep the glasses on his face steady. Then, an opening, he escaped the crowded area to a more open space. A sigh of relief left his lips, and he began to walk forward, only to bump into something. He fell to the floor while the other party landed with a crash. "Hey! Watch it!"

 

Panicked, Harry gathered himself to help the person, picking up supplies they dropped, "I'm so sorry!" he apologized Harry glanced at the other only to freeze at the sight of a girl, ebony black hair with eyes to match, the clearest skin that looked like they barely touched the sun's beams.

"Great..." She complained while picking up the items she dropped. Snapping out of his thoughts, Harry returned to helping her retrieve the things she dropped. Both stood up, all her things off the ground as she looked at him unamused. "My belongings." She held out her hand, as if expecting him to simply hand it back.

"Right, here." He was about to return her cauldron and books to her, but he hesitated. "Well?" She began to get impatient. Harry had another idea though. "Actually, how about I hold onto these for now?" He smiled innocently at her. This did not go well for the other party though as she stared at him incredulously.

 

"Pardon? Just give it back!" She reached her hand to take them back forcefully, but he dodged to the side. "Wait! Just let me hold onto these for now! I promise to give them back once you're done with all your errands. Let me be your servant to hold your extra weight!" He thought of himself so chivalrous, feeling proud. She thought not. "Wait! Just let me hold onto these for now! I promise to give them back once you're done with all your errands. Let me be your servant to hold your extra weight!" He thought of himself so chivalrous, feeling proud. She thought not, instead feeling more offended at his impertinence.

 

"I can hold my own things, thank you very much." The girl insisted, getting irritated at his persistence. Back and forth, they argued until eventually, she was forced to accept the help she repeated she didn't need. Harry followed her like a puppy, carrying every new thing she purchased. Every now and then, she would glance at the paper holding the list of items she had to buy before going into another shop for items.

 

A potions shop was where she took the longest, gushing over the materials. The different cauldrons, ingredients, and a poster of Severus Snape behind the counter, renowned as the greatest potioneer of the era. It took a while picking her materials here than anywhere else, and his arms were starting to hurt. Finally, she finished, paid, and they walked into a muggle style shop. He didn't recognize it, and there didn't seem to be as many customers as he thought there should be, after all, Dragon alley was a busy place.

 

"What is this place?" Harry watched as she sat down at a booth and patted the wood of the table for him to drop the things he was holding. Carelessly, he dropped the things he was holding, it clattered loudly, the few customers inside snapped their heads to the children responsible. The girl groaned and turned away in embarrassment as Harry smiled awkwardly to the strangers as they slowly turned away.

 

Harry silently took a seat as the gentle chatter went back up. "Sorry..." Harry apologized to her, she was facing the window in shame before she took a deep breath and glared at him. "Next time, be more cautious. Some of this stuff is fragile you know!" She whispered, still going on a lecture spring meanwhile Potter was in his own world. "Next time?" He shifted into a slight goofy grin. She flinched and sneered. "You know what I meant!" She sat back, constantly glancing out the window.

 

To pass the time, Harry decided to walk around, gazing at muggle supplies, from a Walkman with multiple choices of music, to antique non magic paintings. "I didn't know the Wizarding world sold such muggle materials." He browsed more, though he stopped when he caught sight of a stuffed rat. he made his way back to the booth where the girl seemed to relax in her seat. "I've been to Diagon alley a few times, but I've never seen this place..."

 

"Well, likely because nothing here is ever on a wizard's agenda. This shop sells mostly No-maj, I mean Muggle things. But I think you already knew that." Elouise stared up at him, glancing around the room designed like a muggle souvenir shop, only the items were a mix of antique to everyday use items in a non-wizard world. "My mother was recommended."

 

It was getting too quiet, Harry wanted to think of something that wasn't her eyes. "What's your name." he finally asked. "Only now you ask?" She held a blank face, staring as if she wouldn't be expecting much more now. "Elouise, Elouise Rosewaters" She looked away, again glancing out the window. Harry folded his arms on the table and gazed at the lovely girl before him. "I'm Harry Potter, but just call me Harry." Elouise didn't respond, instead choosing to open one of the books, The standard book of spells, grade 1 was pressed to the front in bold letters.

 

Even though she was blatantly ignoring him, Harry couldn't help but stare. She was beautiful, not like his mother, a red head with green eyes. That was the kind of girl he always thought would catch his fancy. Everyone was always saying he was exactly like his father, even he knew it, he thought he'd likewise fall for someone like his mother, someone he'd meet on the train... Yet here she was. Elouise, unlike his expectations, was pale, and she held the darkest hair and eyes he's ever gazed upon. She didn't fit the description of his dream girl, but wow did she change it.

 

"Why are you off on your own? Got lost? Or are you simply independent." She asked, half listening as she read the first page. She would have stayed silent, but his staring made her uncomfortable. "I'm responsible enough to be on my own." Harry stated, Elouise Raised a brow, glancing up at him like he was kidding, he was not. He genuinely thought he would be fine by himself, after all, his parents taught him simple self-defense.

 

"You're serious? You followed me here, a complete stranger to a neat empty shop, and you think none of it suspicious? You're even more ignorant than I thought if you think that was alright." She began to scold him, but all Harry saw was his mother scolding his father when he did something reckless again. The comparison couldn't stop the smile growing on his face. Then the door to the Diner opened, a striking woman in all black with a long cloak came inside. Elouise stood up to greet her with a respectful bow of the head. "Mum." Her mother patted her head.

 

"Who's this?" The woman glanced down at Harry who was standing up straight and proper, not at all how slouched he was a minute before. "A stray-" "Harry Madam, a pleasure to meet you. May I?" He extended his arm to the charmed lady; she gladly shook it. Elouise however stared at Harry incredulously at his change of posture, attitude, everything. He was a lost puppy just a minute ago, now a classy child of proper manners.

 

There was small talk, Harry trying to appeal to the Raven woman to gain brownie points, meanwhile Elouise was in the background silently groaning at the fact she was left out of the conversation. Then she saw a woman from the window, red hair and green eyes. She was searching frantically from what she could see.

 

"Looks like she's searching for something." Elouise stated, catching Harry and her mother's attention. From the corner of her mother's eye, she saw Harry stiffen and fidget his fingers nervously. "Or someone. Your mother?" The older lady asked the boy. "... Maybe." He looked away guiltily. He didn't want to leave, but a quick lecture from Elouise's mother, that boy was trotting out the door where his mom ran to hold him tight before telling him off. She wasn't able to hear the commotion from where she was, but she knew was that it was brutal from the way Harry was practically sinking in on himself, shame plastered on his face as his mother dragged him away.

 

"He seems like a nice young man." her mother spoke, watching amused as the boy disappeared around the corner with his mother. Elouise however, stared expressionless at where Harry was last seen. "Sure he was, he didn't follow you out of nowhere and force you to let him hold your stuff." Elouise kept reading her book to move her mind as her mother passed the subject.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

The train to Hogwarts. Elouise didn't even want to attend this school, but her Godfather insisted that Draco would need her. And as much as she felt that entitled, spoiled, blond boy shouldn't have to be babysat, she knew he would have to be. There was no doubt, he would go off and make a scene first chance he had and make a fool of himself.

 

Her father didn't want her to go to Hogwarts, insisting Ilvermorny was enough, but Elouise ended up being persuaded by her godfather with a promise of pay for watching over Draco at Hogwarts. And so, against her previous wishes, and her love for money, she was enrolled for Hogwarts.

 

Her mother and her had got to platform 3/4, Owl on her shoulder and Draco in tow. they had picked him up while on the way. Draco was her childhood friend as their families were close. Elouise' father was his godfather after all, and Draco's father was her Godfather as well. As such, they were raised closely at a young age along with a few others as well.

 

Elouise saw a girl, very bushy hair and somewhat crooked teeth, no doubt magic could solve that problem though. She couldn't take her eyes off the required spell book. Although Elouise had already read the whole thing, she didn't want to be seen as a know it all or a bookworm. Beyond that though, the bushy haired girl seemed to be near the end. It takes time and effort to read that much when they haven't even gotten on the train yet.

"What are you looking at?" Draco noticed Elouise seemed out of it. looking over to her blonde right hand, she pointed to the other girl.

"That's a high-level book, and from what I see of her concentration, she understands it. I've no doubt with a mind like that, she'll be sorted into Ravenclaw." Draco raised a brow at Elouise as she praised a random girl. The girl she was mentioning however, looked away bashfully and headed onto the train. Perhaps Elouise said it too loud.

 

"Maybe..." Elouise watched her board before turning back to her mother.

 

"Elouise, I will miss you." Her mother hugged her, arms wrapped around tightly. Her mom had a tight grip, she decided she didn't want to suffer alone and yanked Draco by the arm to join her misery.

"Wha-Hey! Auntie!" Draco flailed about as he was dragged into the warmth of love. Ultimately, Draco and Elouise did end up hugging her back.

"Stay safe, watch out for each other, and most importantly, have fun, Draco..." She emphasized on Draco before finally let go, allowing the kids to breath air back into their lungs. Her mouth parted, about to say something else when a man ran into them, causing the 2 adults to crash.

"Sirius!"

 

"Mum!" "Auntie!" The 2 were quick to help her up with the help of a third child, meanwhile a grown man helped his friend from the floor.

"Way to make a scene, Sirius." The man joked as his friend was off the floor.

"Watch where you're going next time!" Elouise' mother scowled, dusting off her dress and calming the kids.

 

"Sorry sorry. I swear I'll make it up to you-wow." the man with luscious black hair gawked at Elouise' mother, words could not describe her looks.

Elouise looked to the other kid who helped her with her mom, the boy from Diagon Alley. "Oh, it's you." She was about to greet him, but Draco grabbed her hand, trying to pull her away. "Come on! We'll miss all the good seats!" she was barely given enough time to wave goodbye, though Harry made sure to follow behind them.

 

"Bye mother! I have to go!" Elouise was able to shout as she was dragged, holding her luggage onto the train. Her mother was able to wave her off as the other men who they bumped into said goodbye to Harry.

 

Draco wanted to sit with his other friends, Crabbe and Goyle, but it would seem they hadn't arrived yet. So, the 2 were able to find their own seats in the meanwhile, an empty compartment, there Emily had her owl go back in its cage. but once again, Elouise was met with the reunion of the potter boy as he entered the cabin with his luggage.

"May I sit in here?" Draco, not wanting to sit in a cabin with a boy he's never met before stands up to complain.

"Apologies, this cabin is already taken. Go find somewhere else to crawl-" "Draco."

He froze with the chill up his spine. The commanding tone of his Godfather present in his spawn. her eyes warned him to watch his next words. hesitant, he sat back down in his seat and looked away disappointed.

 

"You may sit down; our friends should have been more punctual." Elouise underlined the last word making Draco pout.

 

"Thanks." Harry sat down across from her with his luggage, not at all shameful he took what was supposed to be someone else' seat according to Draco. The blond boy looked over to the wreck of a boy as he glowed of sunshine and rainbows to Elouise who was purposely avoiding eye contact.

 

"Do you know this bloke or something? I feel this isn't your first interaction..." Draco squinted his eyes at Elouise who gave no comment.

"We met at Diagon Alley!" Harry stared brightly at the girl who slightly nodded.

"I see..." Draco couldn't take his eyes off of every detail that angered him. The overly tangled hair, baggy clothes, and his legs that wouldn't stop moving. Talk about Hyper...

 

When Crabe and Goyle did arrive, they had to sit down with the strange one who happily introduced himself as Harry Potter. It would seem as soon as the name Potter left his lips though, all the boys present were suddenly on edge.

The train finally began to move when Harry spoke, "Something wrong?" Harry tried to ask, finding his name triggered something in them.

"Your headed to Gryffindor, aren't you." Draco sneered rather rudely only to be reprimanded by Elouise who swinged him in the head with a book.

"Don't mind them. It's just that certain names are mentioned by their parents when explaining during their time at Hogwarts. Perhaps your father was some sort of figure, bad or good." Elouise explained and Harry was back to smiles as she spoke finally. Though he was a bit upset at the tone Draco used against Gryffindor.

 

"My Dad said he was a grand prankster-" "He was a fool and a disturbance is what he was-!" "Draco." Elouise tried to diffuse, but Potter had been provoked and stood up with his hands in a fist.

"My father told me about a Potter boy who-" Harry swung at Draco who whimpered, though the hit never reached. "Immobulus." Elouise stopped potter, wand in hand as Draco shifted out of the way.

 

"Draco Malfoy! Do you not see the consequences of running your mouth! You're from an established family, least you could do is not disgrace your name by meaningless squabble! How childish are you going to continue to be?" Elouise looked away disappointed in the boy's manners.

"Sorry..." Draco apologized, he had always hated it when she or his Godfather were disappointed in him, but even with his apology, she glared at him once more that had him stiffen. "It's not me you should be apologizing to."

Elouise let down the spell on Harry and Draco muttered out an apology before the other would attempt to land another swing.

 

Needless to say, the rest of the ride to Hogwarts had the cabin full of tension. With Harry and Draco glaring daggers at each other instead of physically fighting, Elouise still ignoring Draco despite him to ease up to her favor again, and Grabe and Goyle who were left in the middle of the drama glad they weren't pulled into the crossfire.

 

They did have to leave the room as they needed to change into their new uniforms. Elouise took the time to change herself in the cabin, once she was done, quite quickly in fact. There was a bit of ruckus outside, Elouise peeked her head out to watch as a ginger boy ran through with something in his hands. "Neville! I found your toad!" he zoomed by Elouise.

A head poked out from another cabin and a more plump boy emerged, happily taking back the toad, "Trevor!" he cheered as he claimed his pet. "I thought I lost you for a second!"

The ordeal was done now, the ginger boy was going back to his cabin. "That was very kind of you." She commented to the ginger boy as he passed by and closed the door to her compartment.

 

They reached their destination, while students unloaded, a big man was calling for the first years, he was quite hard to miss. Many students flocked to him as he headed down to a dock area with boats.

 

Excited, Elouise went along, Draco close behind. "Eager, aren't we?" Draco mentioned as others began boarding the small boats.

 

"Father told me there was a giant squid in the lake." Elouise stared fascinated at the lake before her, the Black Lake. One of the few stories her father told her of his time here had been about sitting by the black lake. He would occasionally see the tentacles rise in action.

 

Draco seemed a bit disturbed, but he decided not to worry about it much as they boarded the boats. It had been Elouise and Draco, joined by one Pansy Parkinson who had been looking for Draco earlier, and much to his dismay, Harry, also decided to join them. It was clear Malfoy didn't like Potter, and vice versa, but Potter wouldn't let the blond boy ruin his goal of Elouise.

 

"Can't you take a hike already!" Draco complained, Pansy sitting by him. But Harry only stuck out his tongue and sat smugly next to Elouise who was groaning at her newly gained follower. She wondered how long it would take for him to lose interest.

 

Draco and Harry were too busy arguing; Elouise almost missed her chance at seeing the Giant squid as it waved one of its arms to the students.

"Shut up! There!" She pointed excitedly to the waving arm of the Lake Beast. Harry awed with Draco, Parkinson, while she was interested, wasn't as enthusiastic, instead she held onto the sleeve of Malfoy as they waved back to the tentacle.

 

Elouise had been ecstatic at the moment, her eyes full of wonder and curiosity as she wouldn't look away from the single tentacle while they kept moving away. Harry's interest in the beast had passed, his attention now focused on the childlike demeanor plastered on Elouise' face that he hadn't seen before. She had always been more mature whenever they met, that or reprimanding Draco, and occasionally annoyed with his own stubbornness during Diagon Alley.

 

Finally, the Boats had reached Hogwarts ground where a woman with a pointed had was waiting for them. Once everyone was all well and accounted for, she introduced herself as Professor McGonagal. She further explained the houses and their founders, a light introduction for Hogwarts before they headed to the Great Hall to be sorted into their houses.

 

Draco was going on about how his whole Family was Slytherin, how he was bound to be one too to upkeep the Malfoy name. Harry was speaking of Gryffindor like it were better, and how all his family before him were also Gryffindor. Elouise' father was a Slytherin, her mother however, was from an American Wizarding school and thus didn't have a Hogwarts house.

 

A large pair of doors opened, revealing the Great Hall. Long tabled covered in the feast people boasted about like it was the grandest thing. She had expected something different of the welcoming feast, but just different meats, different cooked potatoes, and some veggies? Perhaps it was so grand to that ginger boy she saw earlier, his mouth was practically watering as they made their way to the front, but Elouise had imagined something else. Perhaps something more American than the loads of meat or potatoes. And why did it seem Gryffindor table had more meat than Slytherin who was perfectly half and half of meat and greens on their plates.

 

One by one, their names were called in order of their last names. Elouise recognized the sorting hat, another one of the things her father told her about. It really was sentient.

 

"Hermione Granger!" Elouise recognized the girl walking up, the bushy hair bouncing as she sat down unsurely before the hat was put on her head. "Still believe she'll be in Ravenclaw?" Draco whispered as the hat murmured to Hermione.

"Yes." Elouise whispered back, not a second later, the hat shouted out, "Ravenclaw!" her tie changed blue as she was welcomed to Ravenclaw gleefully.

 

Draco was sorted into Slytherin much to his expectation, Harry took in Gryffindor with pride. 

"Emily Rosewaters!" McGonagall called from the front, and Elouise came up with her head held high. Sitting on the stool where she thought her father must have also sat on, she looked out at the four houses as the hat was placed onto her head.

 

"Oh? That boy had a child, eh?" It muttered, "You know my father?" Elouise was excited that it truly had the mental mind to have such memory. The hat chuckled and went back to it job of sorting. searching her experiences and personality.

 

"Hardworking, I see, though you have plans, ambitions... yes yes, brave you are, and bold, but I see you have more connection to... yes, I think it better be. SLYTHERIN!" The hat had decided, her tie had changed to an iconic green to match the overhead tapestries as the hat was taken away. 

 

Draco cheered with the others as she came to sit by him. The feast still wasn't what she had in mind as she sat down, but it weas enough. Her housemates didn't gorge themselves, keeping their dignity to eat slowly and mannerly, occasionally clapping and cheering when they gained a new Slytherin. Glancing at the Gryffindor table, the younger members were stuffing their faces with meat before even touching the greens. Among the students in red, she saw Potter staring at her again. He wasn't disappointed that she was sorted elsewhere though, instead looked smug by the sly smile he directed at her as he mouths a few words.

 

'My Little Snake'

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