Regrets
September 1978
Regulus Black never liked the rain. It’s a constant reminder, a never ending flashback rewinding to the worst moments in his life.
The funeral is an open casket. Of course it is, Regulus thinks when he sees Orion's lifeless body dolled up in front of him. It’s bizarre, really. He had come to terms with his father’s death and was dealing with it, well… as best he could. But seeing him with his suit and tie, eyes closed, laying lifeless and adorned with expensive accessories... For the first time in his life, Regulus feels nothing for his father but pity.
When it is time to say goodbye, he takes his cold hand and looks down at him. Slowly lowering his mouth next to his ear, he whispers “Be careful. Mother has a pretty face, and the devil looks just like her.”
He straightens up and with one last, swift, movement he takes his father’s signet ring which bears the family crest and steps aside as they lower him down into the ground.
The ceremony was as much Orion’s funeral as it was Regulus’s inauguration. Everyone who had later come to Grimmauld Place to pay their ‘respects’ had also come to suck up to the new head of the House. As if Regulus cared about any of them. His cousin Narcissa, at best, but the family she married into are a bunch of crass and power-hungry imbeciles, the Malfoys, so they don’t really speak as often anymore.
Narcissa, or Cissy, has always been his favourite cousin. Between her and her sisters, Andromeda and Bellatrix, she’s the one who seemed to understand Regulus the most. She too is the youngest, and just like Regulus, always used more as a decorative background piece rather than the treasured family jewel.
They didn’t mind though. While their older siblings were being paraded around important functions, meeting important people and forming alliances and connections, they would sneak off into the shadows, discovering everyone’s dirty laundry and playing harmless pranks every now and again.
To be truthful, she’s the main reason that Regulus has grown up to like useless gossip. He’ll never admit it to anyone else, of course.
And then Lucius Malfoy fell in love. Ugh. He proposed to her right after they both graduated highschool. The family couldn’t have agreed to the union fast enough, after the scandal that followed Andromeda’s running away and marrying a muggle, Lucius looked like a saviour to Druella and Cygnus.
After that, their relationship took a bit of a strain. But he’ll forever hold her in the highest regard, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss her.
Regulus puts on his best show, as per his mother’s orders. He dances and dazzles as the strings pull on his wrists. His family, the circus, all love how the thread shines and want nothing more than to be the ones in control. Everyone wants to be a puppeteer.
Thankfully, Barty shows up and they disappear into Regulus’s room.
A full week has passed since his mother came to Hogwarts. The papers were published this morning, seeing as Orion’s final exit was an ‘inconvenience’ and there was much to prepare, the family had decided to wait until after matters were settled to announce the news to the public.
There wasn’t a lot that Regulus could do to keep himself preoccupied while his mother planned the funeral. That was, until a pretty distraction showed up on his doorstep and proceeded to help Regulus in a way he didn’t know he needed.
Barty, in short, is Regulus’s best friend, if he had to put a label on him. Yes, Dorcas is more than dear to him, as is Evan and now Pandora too. But Barty understood him. His hatred for their place in their family, his resentment, but most of all, his loneliness.
They grew up together, and as the years passed they grew closer while their families grew apart.
Barty understands why Regulus is the way he is. They hardly need any words to communicate and make sense of each other. All they need is a look, a touch or even just a feeling.
Barty likes to make people think that he’s a menace to society, that he’s mean and cruel and selfish, and he is. But he’s also so much more than that, he just doesn’t allow himself to accept it sometimes. But now, more than ever, Regulus is truly grateful to have him in his life.
Regulus had never even come out to his friends, though they probably knew anyway. Barty proved it the moment he grabbed and kissed him that first time.
After that, in the few moments they spend alone, they take advantage and lose themselves in each other, shutting out the world and consuming one another, and tonight was no exception.
The after party ends and everyone leaves, obviously not without leaving little remarks here and there about things they want changed.
“Best party we’ve had in a while.” Barty whispers in Regulus’s ear as they wave goodbye to the last guests.
“Shut up. Go back upstairs and start packing.” His face is stoic, but Barty knows he’s hiding a smirk under his poker face.
“Whatever you want, my Lord.” With one last grin, he disappears upstairs.
Regulus remains by the door, its frame less daunting than when he was younger. It used to look so big and intimidating from his perspective. But so did everything in this house.
“You’re leaving tonight?”
“I am.”
“Alright.”
He turns around to face his mother. She looks at him, visibly debating whether or not she should speak her mind.
“What is it?”
“Has he- Have you spoken with him?” It’s not often that Regulus sees his mother show signs of emotion, or humanity for that matter. But sometimes, something happens. Something that cracks through her ice cold skin and she bleeds. Red, mortal blood.
And more often than not, that something that manages to create the cracks and break them is her son. Not him, it’s never him, but Sirius. Always Sirius.
She’ll never admit it, but she always loved Sirius more. For what she knows love to be. She hated when he went against her because she couldn’t stand that the one thing designed to love her, in fact, hated her.
Even when he’s not here, Sirius always manages to take the spotlight. Always the brightest, always the heir, always the firstborn son.
Always his big brother.
“No.” He answers, and then leaves her alone in the very place in which she pushed him away.
###
To his surprise, James actually shows up in the Slytherin’s common room.
Was it his intention? Yes. Did he think it would work? Not really, no.
He steps out of the fireplace, ashes from the burned logs floating around him, and dusts himself off. He’s wearing his cloak so he’s not worried about being seen by anyone, but he still needs to be careful.
He takes out the map and follows the way to Regulus’s dorm. It’s dead silent so he tries not to think about how loudly his footsteps echo while stepping down the stairs. After a few minutes he stops in front of a door.
Now that James is physically standing in front of Regulus’s dorm, he’s thinking that maybe this wasn’t his brightest idea.
This actually might be one of the worst ideas he’s ever had. He didn’t really think it through, what he would do or say when he finally faces Regulus again. They’ve been writing to each other for the past month and a half, almost consistently, but the last time they talked feels like it was a lifetime ago. He almost talks himself out of it but, when has James Potter ever been known to give up?
No, you’re already here. Might as well go through with it.
And so he does. He gently turns the doorknob and quickly opens the door. Once inside, he scans the room; he’d sneaked into the Slytherin’s common room before for various pranks, but he’s never seen the dormitories.
There aren’t any huge differences except from the obvious colour scheme and a few other features. The only major detail that differentiates the Slytherin and Gryffindor rooms are the windows: because their rooms were in one of the highest towers at Hogwarts, they had an incredible view of the scenery. But the slytherins live in the dungeons, mostly underground, so instead of skies and horizontal views, they have the Black Lake.
Only it wasn’t dark. The water glowed a particular shade of aqua-marine, providing a soothing, hypnotic-like glow. Not many underwater animals can be seen except for a few fishes, probably because, just like any other magical creature, they’ve been cautioned to keep their distance from the students by Dumbledoor.
James quietly creeps from bed to bed until he sees him. Regulus Black.
He’s awake, which startles James a bit since it’s the middle of the night. He looks different, better, in a way. His hair is shorter. He must’ve cut it. And even though his cheeks seem to have gotten more colour, he looks like he hasn’t slept at all and, judging by the way Regulus is staring up at the ceiling, he isn’t planning to any time soon.
He contemplates for a moment on how to do this. A moment later, he simply takes off his cloak.
Immediately, Regulus notices him and jolts up, his bedsheets falling down from his torso and his eyes wide in shock.
“Potter?” He whispers,
“Hi.”
“What are you doing here- no, wait. How did you get in? What-“ Before he can finish his thread of questions, James covers his mouth with his hand. It’s not like he cares whether or not he wakes up Regulus’s roommates, he just wants to avoid any legal charges for trespassing.
With his hand still on Regulus, he climbs on the bed and closes the curtains with a flick of his wand, followed by a silencing charm to avoid any problems.
He sighs and when he looks back to Regulus, he’s met by a very serious and unfazed stare. He jolts his hand away when he feels Regulus lick the inside of his palm,
“What was that for?!”
“Oh I don’t know, were you planning on keeping my mouth shut forever?”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well hello to you too. I’m fine Regulus, thanks for asking.”
Unfazed by his sarcasm, Regulus simply raises an eyebrow.
James sighs, “Fine. I came here to… well, to see you.”
“Oh.” Regulus sounds genuinely surprised, “Why?”
“Can’t a guy see a friend?”
“Well, I suppose so, yes. But, why like this?”
James’s lips thin into a line, not really sure how to respond. Silence fills the air and the two boys simply stare at each other.
“You didn’t think this through, did you?”
“No I didn’t.”
Unexpectedly, a small smile creeps on the younger one’s face. Though he tries to hide it.
“Is that a smile I see? Have I really managed to make the Regulus Black smile?”
“You’re seeing things. You’re clearly being delirious.” Regulus tries, but he can’t suppress the laughter in his voice.
James has never heard anything sound so sweet and pure. It makes him want to cry for some inexplicable reason. He wants to catch it and keep safe in the space between his palms, away from any harm. He also finds it rather contagious and starts laughing as well, though it’s not his usual laugh, it’s more bewildered and enchanted as it is soft.
They finally come to an awkward pause and smiles take over them instead.
“It’s nice to see you, Potter.” Regulus starts, interrupting the silence, “This week has been nothing other than draining. I’m sure you know why.”
James’s smile fades, his eyes filling with sadness. “I’m so sorry Regulus” he whispers,
“Oh don’t you start. The man was anything but a father to me. It’s not him I mourn.” Regulus rolls his eyes, voice full of exasperation.
“What do you mean?” James asks confused.
Regulus looks down in silence, biting his lower lip before answering, “All of this was never meant for me. The title, the position, the responsibility. I was never supposed to be the star.”
Something about the way Regulus puts it, stabs James right through his heart. It was meant for Sirius, is what they both think but neither of them say it.
This is the life that awaited him had he not been able to leave. The dreadfulness of it all. There isn’t a person in this world that could be less suited for that family than Sirius, James thinks to himself.
“Why take it then?” James asks carefully because this is it. The reason it all started, his motive from the beginning. Maybe, just maybe, he can save Regulus from this fate and that family. He and Sirius can go back to being brothers and it’ll be a happy ending for everyone.
“I have no other choice.” Regulus states, confused by the question, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“That’s not true though, is it? You could leave.”
Regulus scoffs, “What, like Sirius you mean?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Regulus dismisses him,
“Why?” James counters, “Why would that be ridiculous?”
Regulus just shakes his head. He looks away, biting the inside of his cheek, his eyes glistening.
“Regulus?” James tries. He’s trying so hard not to fuck this up.
“Do you remember the night Sirius left?” The boy answers, not looking him in the eyes.
James was not expecting that. For Regulus to bring it up first it’s… we’ll it’s shocking. It’s the definition of taboo for him and Sirius, so to hear it from Regulus… He just wasn’t expecting it.
“Of course I do.” He answers.
“On that night, he sealed my fate the moment he stepped outside the door.” Regulus says, shutting his eyes as if he’s reliving that very moment all over again, “His rebellious ‘outbursts’ were becoming more and more frequent each year, met every time with a cruel ending.” He begins to explain, ”That time though, he didn’t back down, no matter how many times they tortured him. He screamed and cried and wailed. But he kept getting back up.”
“I know.”
“But you don’t. You weren’t there.” Regulus looks at him with tired eyes, ”He wasn’t being brave, he was a fool.”
“That’s not true. He was fighting for his freedom.”
“Is he? Free? Do you truly think he’s escaped this family?” Regulus folds his knees and hugs them, ”No matter how far he runs, black runs in his veins. It always will.”
“If you want to get out, I can help you, Regulus. Please, let me help you.” James’s hand reaches for Regulus’s hand.
Regulus’s eyes flicker to James in an instant.
“You can’t.” He whispers.
“Regulus please-“
“Stop.” He tries to say in a stern voice, but it cracks.
James simply looks at him. So many things are wandering in his mind, so many feelings are confusing his soul. It’s not that Regulus doesn't want to get out, to live a life outside of his so-called family. He doesn’t believe it to be possible. And who could explain otherwise if not Sirius?
James slowly leans towards Regulus, but the latter flinches back.
“What are you doing?” He asks defensively,
“Hugging you?”
“Do you just randomly do that to people?”
“Um… yes?” James answers.
“I don’t need your pity.” Regulus states,
“It’s not pity.”
“Then what is it?”
James smiles and leans in more to finally embrace Regulus in his arms.
“I care about you, Regulus.” He says, like it’s obvious.
_ _ _ _ _
He’s warm. He’s so, so warm.
These are the only words echoing repeatedly in Regulus’s mind as James Potter hugs him.
He stills completely, as if turning to stone. As he breathes, the scent of wood and eucalyptus mixed with a hint of cinnamon fill his lungs, there’s something so familiar in his smell but he can’t pinpoint exactly what it is; if Regulus had to describe it, it’d be exactly what he imagined a home to smell like. Not a house, but a home, like the ones Sirius used to describe in his bedtime stories when they were younger.
It seems to soothe him, his muscles relax and he rests his head on James’s shoulder, accepting his embrace.
“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt? You’re so cold.” James asks, hugging Regulus even more as if trying to warm him up.
Regulus is doing his absolute best, trying to ignore all the gymnastics his heart is doing at the moment and praying James doesn’t notice a thing.
“I know. I just don’t like to, I always wake up in a cold sweat.” He answers. Slowly, with every tick from the clock on his nightstand, Regulus musters up the courage to hug James back. His hands slowly make their way round James’s back, hugging him with so much delicacy, as if James could disappear at any moment if he touched him too willingly.
“You're warm.” He sighs.
James chuckles softly, “I know.”
They stay like that for a few seconds when suddenly, Regulus feels James tense up.
“Potter?”
James distances himself from Regulus but his hands remain on his shoulders. His eyes, there’s something different about them. They’re not as kind as they were just a moment before. James, altogether looks… angry?
“What?“ Regulus asks confused.
“You have bruises. On the back of your neck.” James finally speaks, though you can hear the anger in his undertone.
“Hm? Oh. Oh!” Realisation comes over Regulus and he feels his cheeks turning a darker shade of red.
“It’s not what you think-“
“Who did this?”
“No one. I-“
“You don’t have to protect them Regulus” James interrupts him, again, cupping one of Regulus’s cheeks, “I know what they’re capable of, you don’t have to hide it from me.”
Regulus’s brain feels like it’s been shocked a few different times and he’s finding it really difficult to form any words at the moment, let alone a sentence. He breathes deeply, gently grabbing James’s wrists and pulling them away from him.
This is good, because his brain cells seem to be going back to normal. He looks at James and tries to reassure him, “No one hurt me. The bruises are… Barty.” He says shyly.
Confusion takes over James’s face, “What? I thought you two were friends, Why would he hurt you? ”
Regulus smiles, “He didn’t.”
He catches the exact moment that realisation hits him.
“Oh! Ohh… I… didn’t know you had that” a cough interrupts him, “that sort of relationship with him.”
“We’re not in a relationship per se, he’s my best friend.” Regulus explains,
“Last I checked, best friends don’t really do those kinds of things.”
“Well, he’s been… helping me cope. It’s nothing serious.”
“Oh. Okay, good.” James sighs with relief,
“Good?” Regulus asks him.
“Yea. I mean- isn’t it?”
“Sure.”
“Excellent.”
“Okay.”
Again, silence takes control of the space between them. Regulus is looking directly at James while he tries to look everywhere but in his direction, biting the inside of his cheek.
Regulus is still holding onto James’s wrists. He gently lets go and this makes James’s head snap back in his direction. As if instinctively, he grasps Regulus’s hands, slowly intertwining their fingers.
“Potter?” Regulus asks, his breathing scattered,
“I just… as long as he makes you happy.”
Somehow, that sentence brings about a sense of disappointment in Regulus. But what was he expecting? James is his… friend, nothing more. And it’ll never be anything else, no matter how much his childish infatuation forces him to hope.
He smiles gently, “He does.”
James smiles back at him.
“Are you going to leave now?” He can’t help but ask.
Even though he knows, he wishes he could be more ignorant or delusional, but he knows that James will never be his. Even so, he wants to take advantage of every single moment the universe allows him to spend with James.
“Only if you want me to.” James answers. Of course, this does nothing to stop the heat that’s making itself at home in Regulus’s chest.
“What about Sirius? How…how is he? If he- doesn’t he need you too?”
James takes a deep breath, “He’s not great. It would be really helpful if you could talk with him- just for a moment. When you’re ready. I think it would help you both.”
Regulus clenches his jaw, his teeth gritting subconsciously.
“You should go to him.” Regulus says, taking his hands away from James.
He grabs them again, getting closer to Regulus, and in a gentle tone he says “Is that what you want?”
Regulus is really trying to concentrate on his breathing, it’s really hard since James seems to be sucking all of the air out of his lungs. He closes his eyes, trying to convince his voice to lie.
Yes, please leave. It hurts. It hurts to have you this close and know that you do not belong to me.
“No.” Damn it, Regulus.
James sighs with a smile, “Then I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m staying.”
Regulus involuntarily sucks in a sharp breath, his eyelids flutter in surprise, not expecting James to answer that way. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel. This is the first time anyone has ever chosen him over Sirius. Not like it’s a competition, that’s the one thing he’s never blamed Sirius for. It’s not his fault he’s always been better than Regulus in every single way.
He smiles at James. He genuinely can’t do anything but.
He smiles back at him, gently squeezing his hands.
“Come on, scooch over.”
Regulus does. James takes off his shoes and lies down next to Regulus.
They talk and talk and talk. They talk about what they didn’t manage to fit into their letters, about the disaster that was Peter’s birthday cake and Pandora’s new obsession over snails.
There are moments of silence where they just enjoy each other’s company, and to Regulus’s shock, he feels himself getting sleepier. He can’t pinpoint the exact moment when he falls asleep, just that he hasn’t slept so well in a very, very long time.
###
James isn’t afraid of the dark, or well, he hasn’t been since he was old enough to understand that there are no monsters lurking in the shadows waiting to get him. But at the moment he feels himself surrounded by it with no source of light nor comfort. He’s completely and utterly alone.
Panic sets in while he tries to find a way out. He runs and runs and runs, but all that finds him is more darkness. He’s screaming out for help, calling out hoping someone is listening, but he can’t even hear his own voice. The loneliness is eating him alive and he starts to lose the last bit of fight left in him.
He begins to sink deeper into the void, allowing the shadows to wrap themselves around him and pull him down into the abyss.
James just lets them. No one is coming. No one is going to save him. He is all alone.
He closes his eyes, accepting his fate. He deserves this. No one owes him anything, everything he’s going through he’s put it upon himself with his own actions. He deserves this. He deserves nothing.
As he sinks deeper he feels a weight on his chest. He can’t tell where it’s coming from or who it belongs to, he doesn’t care anyway. He continues to fall lower, the shadows almost covering his whole body. He notices the weight from earlier feels different from everything else, even though it puts pressure on him, it’s not heavy. Actually, it makes him feel lighter.
Just like the shadows, it starts surrounding him entirely, lifting him up in the opposite direction. James opens his eyes, no one’s there but he understands that he’s being saved.
Someone or something is pulling him out of here. He holds onto his mysterious saviour as he’s pulling him upwards. He still can’t see a path or a way out but he feels as if he can trust whatever’s helping him. He smiles and keeps holding on until all the darkness and the shadows and the burdens lift from his body, leaving him feeling as light as a feather.
He feels free.
And then he actually opens his eyes. His mind is still trying to comprehend that he’s waking up but what really startles James is where he woke up.
Slowly the fog in his brain starts to clear as the memories of the night before come back to him. He looks down to find Regulus, still fast asleep, only… apparently the younger boy subconsciously turned and rested his head on James’s chest, which is no big deal.
Why would it be? It's totally normal. These things happen when you sleep next to someone.
It’s just that… James has never seen Regulus like this: asleep, his guard down, the walls that usually surround him are nowhere to be seen. He looks quite beautiful, actually. His hand is slightly curled inwards right next to his face on James’s chest. His breath comes in and out ever so slowly.
He looks so delicate, as if James could break him if breathed any deeper.
His hand moves towards the younger one’s face, gently lifting the few strands of hair covering his eyes and he just looks at Regulus, he can’t help it.
James can’t explain it but, it feels so right to be here somehow, lying next to Regulus. Like he was destined for this and nothing else.
What the actual fuck am I thinking?
He quickly takes his hand away and prays that he doesn’t wake Regulus up as he carefully gets out of the bed. He stills, waiting to see if he’s succeeded. He sighs with relief at the sight of Regulus’s still sleeping face, only the once peaceful expression James was admiring just a moment ago had now turned into pouting lips and furrowed eyebrows. And it does something to James, it makes him want to crawl back to his side and smooth the little wrinkles on the bridge of his nose away.
Instead, he rushes to get his things and with one final look towards Regulus, he puts his invisibility cloak on and walks to the door.
“Not even a note?” A voice behind him makes James stop in his tacks, like a deer caught in headlights.
He turns around to see none other than Barty Crouch Jr. leaning on the side of his bed with his arms crossed, his face unphased.
“Look, I know you’re there.” He says while rolling his eyes.
James contemplates for a moment whether or not he should reveal himself, but since he’s already been caught there’s no point in hiding.
“What do you want?” He huffs out,
“It’s a real dick move y’know?”
“What is?” James can hear the attitude in his own voice but he doesn’t care, Barty certainly doesn’t bother to hide his disdain so why should he?
“You come over, acting all concerned, keeping him company for the night and then you just leave the next day without a word like he’s one of your little whores?”
“Jealous much?”
Barty scoffs, “As if, Potter. I get to have him whenever I want, and not because I want to use him to make my ego feel better. Unlike you, I actually care about Regulus.”
“And who tells you I don’t?” James is really trying not to punch Barty in the face right now, but he’s making it really hard.
“Nobody. Your actions speak for you. You like to act like you’re all that but you can’t even follow through, it’s pathetic.”
“Huh. Since we’re talking about actions, how about we talk about you taking advantage of Regulus when he’s at his most vulnerable? Says lots about you, Crouch.”
“Fuck you. You have no idea what he’s going through.”
“I know enough.”
“Just leave already.”
“That was my plan before you decided to piss me off.” James huffs, turning his back on the slytherin boy and grabbing the doorknob. But before he could close the door, he hears Barty saying one last thing.
“Just know, when he wakes up I’ll be the one by his side, not you.”
James can taste the smugness in his voice and truly, if he wasn’t in such a rush to get away, he would’ve had no problem turning back and smashing Barty’s skull.
Nonetheless, he heads back to the fireplace. He thinks of Sirius and how he left him. Then he thinks of Regulus and how he left him.
Get your shit together James.
He holds the floo powder in his hand, and just like that, he vanishes behind the green fire.