Chapter 8
The first two months of term went by rather quickly and then it was Halloween. Holly’s least favourite day of the year. Twelve years ago today she had lost everything that had ever mattered to her and she hadn’t even known it then. Fortunately, today was a Saturday and so she didn’t have to deal with students during the day, especially since it was the first Hogsmead weekend, meaning most students in third grade or above weren’t in the castle and would only return for the feast in the evening.
Not that she was going to be in the castle herself. Having gotten an early breakfast, Holly set out while most students were still gathered in the Great Hall, heading down the winding path to Hogsmead. Not because she needed to go into town, but because she needed to get off of Hogwarts grounds. The magical barriers around the castle prevented her from apparating in and out of it at will. Instead, if she wanted to go somewhere, she had to first head into town. Once she had left the grounds, the was a quiet plop and Holly had vanished.
Reappearing in a small apartment, somewhere in London. A thin layer of dust was covering the shelves and the faint smell of not being lived in hung in the air, but Holly didn’t pay any attention to it. Her eyes were fixed on the wall in front of her, hung over and over with photographs. They all depicted, in some variation or another, the people she loved most. And all of them, with the exception of Remus, she had lost. The largest of the photographs, placed in the middle, showed almost their entire group. Remus in the middle, James to his left, one arm around Remus, the other around Lily, to Remus’ right stood Sirius, his arm resting on Remus’s shoulder, leaning down on him even though they were the same size, his right arm holding Holly close to him. Only Peter was missing, but he had been the one to take the picture.
For a little while, she just stood there, watching the people on the photos laugh and hug and dance and just be happy, thinking back to those days. Eventually she tore herself away, knowing she could easily stand here for hours, thinking of happier times. But she didn’t have the time right now. Leaving the living room behind, Holly headed into the bedroom, trying to ignore that it still looked the same way it had when she had left Sirius lying in bed one morning almost thirteen years ago. It had been the last time she’d seen him. The last time she had felt his fingers on her skin, his arms wrapped around her waist, as he tried to convince her to stay in bed a little bit longer. As she now turned herself back into Ellie, putting on a black dress, she wondered if things would have gone differently had she given in. Of course she knew that she couldn’t have saved James and Lily, but maybe she could have stopped Sirius, could have prevented him from going to Azkaban. And perhaps, if she hadn’t been stuck in that cursed cellar, perhaps she could have gotten to Harry first, could have stopped Hagrid from taking the baby to Little Whinging. She would have gladly fought Dumbledore for the chance to raise Harry herself. Zipping up her dress with a heavy sigh, Ellie picked up a small velvet box standing on one of nightstands. As always, there was a little part of her that wanted to open it, see what was inside, but she never did. What it contained stood for the life she could have had, one with her family and friends, one full of love and happiness, a life she had lost. She just picked it up, held it for a while, a bittersweet taste in her mouth, before setting it back down and leaving the bedroom.
Without taking another look at what used to be her home, Ellie apparated into Godric’s Hollow, not far from where her brother had lived and died. The cottage, as always, was her first stop. The hedges had grown wilder since last year, having been left to their own devices. Aside from that, not much had changed, the cottage still stood dark and empty, the walls of Harry’s nursery blown away. The inside, Ellie knew, was untouched. Someone had carried out her brother and sister-in-law and left everything else as it was. James’ wand still lay on the sofa, Lily’s on the diner table. When Ellie had seen them, nine years ago, when she had finally been able to face the place, she had wanted to yell at her brother, shake him and ask how he could have been so stupid and arrogant to ever put his wand down, how he could, for even a second, believe himself safe enough to let go of his only defence. She knew, rationally, that even with their wands, the two would not have stood a chance, of course she did. But that hadn’t changed how angry she was. Angry at James, not for having put his wand down, but for having died, for having left her far too soon. Anger that she knew, at least from Remus, James had shared with her when she had disappeared, presumed dead.
Walking on, Ellie passed the obelisk in the town square, watching in silently morph into her family. James and Lily, both smiling down at baby Harry. She paid little attention to it, not having the heart to look at the memorial wizards had built for her brother. The memorial always brought about a bitter aftertaste. They practically worshiped Harry for having survived but had abandoned him to grow up in an abusive household away from their world. They had built this memorial for James and Lily but now never thought about them again, had forgotten about the man that had been her hero long before he had started fighting in their war, the man that had taught her her first curse words, had cheered her on in whatever she had done, had encouraged and supported her throughout her entire childhood. And what about the others? What about the Prewett brothers? The entire McKinnon family? The Bones family? Where were the memorials for the countless others that had died during the war? Why were they less important than James and Lily? Hadn’t their families given as much as she did? And what about Alice and Frank Longbottom? Had their sacrifice not been worth a memorial, too? They had given their sanity to protect their son, the same as James and Lily had given their lives. Every one of them, every single one, deserved to be honoured and remembered just as much as James and Lily did. So where was their monument?
Lost in her bitter thoughts, Ellie had reached the church, behind which was the last resting place of James and Lily. Her steps muffled on the leave-covered ground, Ellie made her way through the rows of headstones towards the grave. A pristine stone of white marble, shining brightly in the last October sun.
“Hello, brother dearest.”, Ellie mumbled, as she knelt down, brushing a couple of leaves off the base. Taking out her wand, she drew a circle in the air and a wreath of pearl white lilies and anemone appeared. When it was done, she gently took it and placed it against the marble stone, before lifting her wand again, conjuring a single black rose that she stuck into the wreath. It stood out against the white, but Ellie didn’t mind. The rose was for Sirius. And for Remus. For who they used to be.
A soft hand was placed on her shoulder, squeezing it gently.
“Hello Bathilda.”
Ellie rose, finding, as she had expected, the old woman standing behind her. Age had left its marks on her, but her eyes were still kind.
“Elizabeth. It is good to see you again, my dear.”
“You, too.”
“Come, I made some cake for you.”
A couple of years ago, Bathilda and Ellie had started having tea after she had visited the grave, talking about old times. Bathilda had lived her whole live in Godric’s Hollow and had been close to James and Lily after they moved there, so she had some stories to tell. Although her mind was beginning to fail her, leaving her to tell the same handful of stories over and over again, Ellie still enjoyed her company, enjoyed hearing someone talk about her brother.
Late in the afternoon, after turning back into Holly and returning to Hogwarts, there was a gentle knock on her door, and when she, rather reluctantly, went to open it, she found Remus standing in front of her, a concerned expression on his face.
“There you are. Are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, just a bit under the weather, I suppose. Come on in.”
While she had wanted to be alone for a bit, now that she saw Remus, she wasn’t so sure about it anymore. After all, Remus, too, had lost his family. Perhaps not his literal family, seeing as his father was still alive and well, but James and Sirius had been family to him, too.
“I don’t want to bother you. I just haven’t seen you at all today and thought I’d check on you.”
“Oh, nonsense. You could never bother me, Remus. A bit of company might do me good. Tea?”
Surrendering, Remus came in, sitting down on the sofa, he looked around the main room a little. Holly had decorated it as well as she could without putting pictures of her family up, which would have defeated the whole masquerading purpose. So, instead, she had gone with lots of books, a large, bronze armillary sphere and a couple of plants.
“You have a secret interest in astrology, too?”
“Not very secret, is it, if I have a sphere standing in the middle of my living room.”
“Has anyone ever seen your living room?”
Thinking for a second, Holly had to agree with Remus, very few people had entered her chambers since she had moved in her stuff a little over two years ago. Her office, yes. Lots of people had been in there, but beyond that? Almost no one.
“Minerva, I think. Once or twice. And now you.”
“I am honoured.”
“As you should.”
Putting down two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits down at the table, she sat down next to him, smiling at him softly. The last two months had done him well, he had gained a little weight, looking much healthier than he had in quite a while. There was colour on his cheeks and a sparkle in his eyes. Only his hair hadn’t really changed, still mouse brown with grey streaks all over it, but Holly thought it still looked beautiful on him. Remus, noticing that she was looking him over, blushed a little, unsure of how to react.
“Sorry. I was just thinking that you look a lot healthier than you did two months ago. Even with the full moon coming up.”
All the colour she had just appreciated drained from his face, leaving him starring in disbelief.
“Oh, come now, Remus, don’t give me that look.”
“You… you know?”, he had to swallow hard to get the words out, but even then, barely did. His fear, the uncomfortable shifting, the obvious anxiety made Holly sad. Remus was such a kind person, but he still considered himself an unlovable monster. One day, she would go back to being an Auror and then she’d hunt and kill Greyback for what he had done to Remus.
“I already knew when we met on board the Hogwarts Express.”
“And you still wanted to be my friend?”
“It doesn’t really change who you are. Not to me, at least. To me, you are still only Remus. A very sweet, very kind man. And that you’re keeping a secret really isn’t bothering me much.”
“Trying to keep a secret. Apparently, I’m not very good at it.”, he was joking, but Holly could see her words had touched him.
“Don’t worry, as far as I can tell, no one else who’s not supposed to knows.”
“I’m not sure how reassuring I find that, coming from someone who isn’t supposed to know, either.”
Grinning apologetically, Holly nibbled on a biscuit.
“Enough about me. Why don’t you tell me why you’ve been hiding in here all day?”
“I wasn’t hiding as much as just not here. I…”, for a moment she hesitated, but then decided it was safe-ish to tell him at least parts of the truth, “Today’s the anniversary of my brother’s death. I was in London, visiting his grave.”
“I’m sorry. Mind if I ask how he died?”
“The war. And well, if people think about it at all, they rather celebrate the downfall of Voldemort than remember those who died that day.”
“I’m very sorry, Holly. I understand how you feel. I lost a lot of friends during the war. Harry’s parents among them. Their deaths ended the war and still, no one seems to really care.”
For a while, the two of them sat in quiet reminiscence, simply enjoying each other’s company while thinking of those they had loved and lost. Outside, the sun set, bringing about the night.
“Will you come to the feast?”
“Done enough wallowing, I suppose. A good meal will raise my spirits right up.”
“Glad to hear it.”