i know baby, no attachment

Pat. Pat. Pat. Pat. Pat.

Sirius’s clunky Doc Martens clanked across the porcelain tile. His face blotchy and red, his previously applied eyeliner smeared across their cheek, practically everyone at Hogwarts International School For Elite Scholars was at the Rugby match, the same one Sirius had missed… missed to go see Remus. 

He was certain that one, James would kill him, next, Coach McGonagall would have his head. He was the Scrum-Half, the best one their House had seen by a longshot. Mcgongall probably subbed in Artie, Arthur Weasley, he was one of the better forwards, but he insisted on playing Sub Scrum, he didn't have Sirius’ instincts or speed. Not that it mattered now. Sirius's head buzzed with too many thoughts to focus on the match they'd abandoned. His feet knew where to go, though his mind flooded. 

The muffled roar of the crowd echoed faintly from the Rugby pitch outside, but here, inside the hollowed corridors, there was nothing but the deafening sound of his own heartbeat. Sirius reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a crumpled cigarette pack. He wasn’t supposed to smoke on school grounds—it was against the rules, obviously—but that never stopped him. He fished out a lighter, the flick of the flame briefly illuminating his tear-streaked face, before he took a drag and exhaled slowly, letting the nicotine steady his trembling hands.

He closed his eyes, trying to forget the way Remus looked at him, the way he left—the way Sirius let him go.

Finally arriving near the dormitory area, they shoved themselves through the door, stumbling into their dorm, the door engraved, Duchess of Cornwall, Sirius Orion, Earl of Essex, James Fleamont.

The pressure of the day—of everything—settled heavy in his chest. Sirius fumbled in his blazer pocket, pulling out the crumpled pack of cigarettes. He lit another, the sharp burn in his throat grounding him.

A loud, insistent knock broke the quiet.

“Black! Open the bloody door!” James’s voice was sharp and furious.

Sirius groaned, dragging himself to the door. He opened it just enough to see James standing there, mud-splattered and glaring. “What?”

“What?” James barked, shoving the door open. He stormed inside, rugby kit a mess, hair even wilder than usual. “You ditched us, Sirius! We lost! To St. Magnus! St. fucking Magnus! Now we've to play 3 more matches to even think about advancing in the bracket!”

Sirius winced, leaning against the doorframe, cigarette still between his fingers. “I’m aware.”

“Aware?” James snapped, his voice climbing an octave. “You skipped the match, Artie was wheezing like a broken kettle, and they steamrolled us! ” James pads in, dragging in his muddy cleats, dropping his duffle bag, and planting himself on the desk chair,” You are skinny and agile and quick-witted, and Artie, bless his soul, is NONE of that! What the hell, Pads, where were you even?!”

“I needed a break,” Sirius muttered, avoiding James’s eyes.

“A break?” James repeated incredulously. “You’re the Scrum-Half! The team depends on you! Do you have any idea what McGonagall said to me after the match? She’s threatening to cut you from the team. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame her.”

Sirius clenched his jaw, exhaling smoke through his gritted teeth. “I didn’t ask you to cover for me.”

“No, you didn’t,” James said, his tone sharp. “But I did because you’re my best mate. And now you’re going to tell me why you really bailed. And don’t you dare say it was just a break?” His usually soft brown eyes were wide with anger, zeroing in on Sirius.

Sirius stayed silent, his gaze fixed on the window, the black lake in the distance. James huffed, pacing the room before stopping abruptly and crossing his arms.

“This about the blond bloke? Rory? Ronald? Remy? Remus!”

Sirius froze, his stomach twisting. He turned to face James, his voice defensive. “What are you on about”.

“Oh, don’t give me that,” James said, rolling his eyes. “I’m not thick, Sirius. I’ve seen the way you’ve been sneaking off, looking like a kicked puppy every time you leave him. It’s not exactly subtle, mate.”

“That’s bollocks,” Sirius muttered, dragging deeply on his cigarette, but the slight shake in his hand betrayed him.

“Is it?” James shot back, his eyebrows raised. “You’re all over the place lately, Sirius, and you think I haven’t noticed? The missed practices, leaving our court training classes early, and now bailing on the bloody match? Don’t treat me like a muppet.”. He takes the cigarette from Sirius, taking a long drag.

Sirius groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It’s not what you think.”

James leaned back, folding his arms across his chest. “Right. So you’re not off having a secret snog with him while we’re out there getting flattened by St. Magnus? Pull the other one, Pads.”

Sirius threw his cigarette stub out the window, running a hand through his messy hair. “It’s complicated, alright? And it’s none of your business.”

“None of my—” James started, his voice rising in disbelief before he caught himself. He shook his head, his tone softer but firm. “Look, I’m not here to take the piss. I’m here because I’m your best mate, and you’re making a right mess of things. So spill. What’s going on?”

Sirius stared at him for a long moment before finally sitting down on the edge of the bed, his shoulders slumping. “It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled. “It’s not going to work.”

James perched on the desk chair, watching Sirius carefully. “Why not?”

“Because I’m me,” Sirius said bitterly, gesturing to himself. “Sirius Black, heir to the throne, the ‘perfect princess,’ the one who’s supposed to have it all together. And him? He’s… he’s too good for this. Too perfect for me.”

James let out a long sigh, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “Mate, I get it. You’ve got the literal weight of the country on your shoulder, yeah? But you’re forgetting something.”

“Oh? What’s that, then?” Sirius asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“You’re bloody brilliant, Pads,” James said, his voice steady but warm. “And if this Remus bloke makes you happy, you’d be an idiot not to go for it. Life’s too short to be scared of what everyone else thinks. Screw them. And you’re a kid—hell, as long as you’re here at Hogwarts, you’re still a kid. Love him, mate. Do whatever makes you happy.”

Sirius let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head as his cigarette burned low between his fingers. “It’s not just that, Prongs,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. “I love him. Like, really love him. It’s not just about wanting him now—it’s about wanting him forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And it terrifies me.”

James blinked, his expression softening as he took in their rare vulnerability. “Then don’t let the fear win,” he said quietly. “If it’s real, Pads, it’s worth fighting for. And if he feels the same? You’ve already won half the battle.”

Sirius looked up, his stormy eyes shimmering with tears. “You make it sound so simple.”

“It’s not,” James admitted, a small grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “But nothing worth having ever is, is it?”

Sirius let out a shaky sigh, his fingers trembling as he stubbed out his cigarette on the windowsill. “It’s not just the fear of losing him, James. It’s... everything else. The crown, the titles, my parents. Do you have any idea what they’d do if they found out about any of it?”

James leaned forward, his sharp gaze steady. “I get it, mate. But you’ve been doing this your whole life. What’s different now?”

Sirius snapped his gaze to James, his voice cutting through the air. “What’s different? What’s different is that I’m fucking tired, James. Tired of pretending to be something I’m not. Tired of hiding behind their expectations. I’m tired of trying so fucking hard just to be myself” . He took a deep breath, “To them, I’m still the ‘perfect princess’ who’s just going through a phase. They don’t have the faintest idea who I really am. And if they found out?” He swallowed hard. “If they knew I wasn’t their daughter, wasn’t their little legacy-in-training? They’d destroy me. Publicly, privately, whatever it takes to protect the image of the perfect Black family.”

James stayed quiet for a moment, sensing the weight in Sirius’s words. “I know it’s not easy. I know your family’s bloody hell to deal with. But—”

“No, you don’t,” Sirius spat, his voice rising. “You have no idea. You’ve never had to live your entire life as someone you’re not. You’ve never had to wear a mask every fucking day just to make sure they don't see through the cracks. You’ve never had to pretend you’re someone you’ll never be, just to keep the peace.” Sirius's voice cracks.

James opened his mouth, but Sirius cut him off again, his chest tightening. “They think I’m some perfect princess, James. A piece of property to marry off to the highest bidder. But they don’t even know—don’t see me for who I really am. They think I’m just some defiant girl rebelling against their ‘perfect’ world. If they found out that I’m not their daughter? Not their perfect heir?” He let out a bitter laugh, eyes burning. “They’d throw me away like I’m nothing. And they wouldn’t stop there. They’d burn everything I care about to the ground, including Remus. They’d do it without blinking an eye.”

James’s expression darkened. “And you think this... this pretending will protect him? Protect you?”

Sirius slammed his fist against the windowsill, the words spilling out like poison. “I don’t know what else to do! I’m stuck in their world, stuck with these fucking rules, this ridiculous life they’ve built for me. They don’t even know I’m trans, James. They don’t know that every day is a fucking war just to be who I am. To even think about being real with anyone, including Remus, is a death sentence.”

His breath came fast, ragged, his fists shaking at his sides. “I’m trapped in this fucking cage, and they’re the ones holding the keys. Every fucking day, I wear this mask, pretend to be their perfect little princess. And it’s not just them, it’s everyone else. Everyone who expects me to be what they want, to play the part. I want to be me. I want to be free. But I can’t. I can’t do it, not without losing everything. And Remus?” He spat the name, eyes burning with frustration. “I’ll drag him down with me, and I can’t do that to him.”

James sat in silence for a long moment, his gaze unwavering. When he spoke again, his voice was softer, but no less firm. “Pads... you’re not alone in this. You’ve got me, you’ve always got me. You’re not some fucking princess, you’re you. You're a man. And maybe your parents don’t get that, they never will. But that’s not your problem anymore, is it? You don’t have to live for them. Hell, you don’t even have to live for anyone else. Just live for yourself. You’ve been fighting their system your whole life. Don’t stop now.”

Sirius turned to look at him, the rage still burning in his chest, but something in James’s words was starting to sink in. His shoulders sagged slightly, and he closed his eyes, resting his forehead against the cool glass of the window.

“I don’t know how to stop pretending, James,” Sirius said quietly, the fight leaving him as quickly as it had come. “I’ve been doing it for so long, I don’t even remember who I am without the mask. Every Christmas, I put my hair in a ponytail, I take my binder off, I put the skirt on and I go to my house.”

James stood up slowly, crossing the room to where Sirius was leaning against the window. Without a word, he placed a hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

Sirius flinched slightly at the touch but didn’t pull away. He felt his chest tighten, the weight of everything pressing down on him. Slowly, he let his head fall against James’s shoulder, exhausted from the constant battle within himself.

“Then stop pretending with me,” James said softly, his voice steady.