Lighting candles and monkey boys
Today was a good day, will be a good day, Buck said to himself as he got ready for the morning ahead.. Today was Christmas day and Buck was determined for this Christmas to go well. Even if he was just coming off a 12 hour Christmas Eve shift. Peter had messaged him saying he would meet him after the holidays were over. Peter was spending his first Christmas with Roman and he wasn’t ready to speak to Buck quite yet. Buck understood, but it didn’t mean not seeing the one link to his siblings didn’t hurt. The only consolation was the idea that he wouldn’t be spending Christmas alone.
It was on the drive over to Athena and Bobby’s place, when Buck began to think about the last few days and the evening before. Today was the last day he was going to allow himself to breathe before he had every sibling safe and home. Which meant he needed to master his abilities so he could use them to help all of them. He was just so scared of what could happen if he really pushed himself. Buck was a firefighter, he spent his days surrounded by fire and smoke and ash. You would think he would rather leave it behind at the end of his shift and move on to colder, lighter things or wouldn’t even fear the idea of being surrounded by the flames that took up his working days. But this was more important than anything he could ever do.
He had started to try and practise more and more over the last few weeks since his and Peter’s fight. Had started to try and feel more comfortable in himself. The problem was his mind was perfectly trained to be the best weapon it needed to be, but his powers were another story. It was like he had lost a close friend, could remember all their good times, but couldn’t connect to them like they had before. The one benefit was because of all his training, he knew he could make his way back. Now he found more comfort in surrounding himself with the boiling hot blaze than leaving it alone.
His first success this time was so different from the compound. There, his first success was burning a lab rat until the screeching stopped and the room was finally silent. It wasn’t the burning that felt successful to Buck though. It was the silence. This time, it was a simple candle. He had spent hours and hours staring at that candle. To the point he could have drawn the label in his sleep and remember every detail perfectly. He could tell you every ingredient at this point the amount he studied and analysed every inch of the glass jar it was housed in. When he finally saw that first little flicker, he knew there was hope. Even if he had dropped the candle and had cut his foot on the shattered remains on the floor. Now, he loved using the tip of his finger to light the candles around his apartment. Loved the flick of the wrist he used to heat up leftovers or pop a bag of popcorn within seconds. He almost detested the monotony of waiting when he went to Eddie and Chris’s house for the microwave to do the work for him. He loved how he could spend hours in the bath relaxing his muscles as he heated up the bath to the perfect temperature everytime it dared to drop a degree or two below what he liked.
It was times like this he was glad he lived alone. Not that he didn’t want to spend as much time as he could with his favourite Diaz boys, but he could release all of his excess heat energy this way. As his powers grew and developed, he found he needed to expel much more often. He could lay on his couch bingeing every cooking show he could as he watched the flames he created flicker and twist around his fingertips. Could create flame balls he would toss into the air before watching them explode above his head and allow a dusting of ash to fall onto his hardwood floors below like a flurry of snow. He had never felt so in touch with his fire. Had never felt his heart feel so warm. He felt at peace.
And yes, maybe he could use his powers for better things, he thought as he pulled into the drive. Could strive to use his powers for the greater good or any other rubbish Peter would babble on to him about when he discussed the amazing inventions he was creating at work that would solve so many problems for those in need, but Buck just wanted to keep it to himself for a while. He had spent so long living for others. Trying to please others. Changing his looks, his opinions, his thoughts for others. He just wanted to be Buck for now and feel selfish for once. Just wanted to put his happiness, his joy first. He thought that was the healthy ideology. Wasn’t that what so many self help books advised? That there was no use fixing and helping others until you helped yourself. So why did he sometimes feel so guilty? Why did he sometimes find himself trying to think of excuses when he had spoken to Peter on why he wasn’t doing his duty to help others too? Because Peter never asked for an excuse. Never tried to make Buck feel guilty. He was only doing that to himself. And as much as he tried, he could never escape it. It wasn’t going anywhere. After last night, Buck decided the self books could go screw themselves. He had put himself first and nearly lost everything.
Athena and Bobby had big smiles on their faces as he walked into the house. The smell of the best Christmas Dinner Buck had ever experienced wafted around the room and made Buck realise he had been so in thought, he had forgotten to eat anything earlier. Buck made his way to the kitchen after greeting those in the Fire Fam that had already arrived. Hen and Karen were sipping wine in the big armchairs by the french doors leading to the Garden. Both looked so content as they joined Athena back into their chat on the latest gossip within their fellow departments. May and Harry had convened outside to play with Harry’s new toys but had ran over the instant they had sent them to show off their Christmas Hauls. The only ones missing were the Diaz’s and Michael. Chimney opted to spend his Christmas with the Lee’s this year. There had been no love lost on Buck’s side that he was missing their gathering this year. As Buck began to assist Bobby in the Kitchen he couldn’t help but feel relief and content for a moment. That moment broke the second he hurt the clicks of Chris’ crutches on the wooden floors.
“BUCKY!!” Chris yelled as loud as he could as he began to search for Buck . He must have seen his car outside.
“Chris,” Buck smiled as he raced over, lifting the little boy into his arm with ease.”So what did Santa get you?Are you sure you didn't get coal with how much of a cheeky monkey you are?”Buck laughed as he tickled Chris as he giggled in his arms.
“I’m not a monkey Bucky, promise!” Chris laughed as he wiggled in Buck's arms.
“Hmm,” Buck thought as he began to lift Chris’ arms. “I suppose you're not as hairy as a monkey I suppose. And I don’t see a tail hiding back there. I suppose you can pass the monkey test this time Bud, but I’ll be watching.” Buck laughed as he tickled Chris’ again to hear that giggle one more time before placing him back on his feet.
“Don’t worry Buck, I am keeping an eye on his banana intake just in case,” Eddie laughed as threaded his fingers through Chris’ hair.
“Daddy, no!” Chris giggled more as he hugged Buck’s leg.
“Chris, why don't you tell Buck what Santa got you huh?” Eddie asked as he crouched down to his son’s level with a smile on his face.
Buck stayed with the Diaz’s for 20 minutes in their own little bubble as they crouched in the middle of the living room, listening to every detail of Chris’ Christmas morning. Every detail of what special pyjamas he had worn for Santa that night in case he saw him while hanging his stocking at the foot of his bed, to the sheer contempt on the 6 year old’s face when he realised Santa had been and gone before Chris’ even realised. He had been determined to talk to Santa in person this year. He hadn’t wanted to ask him lots of questions apparently according to Eddie. Had written out a list he kept under his pillow ready. Buck was beginning to think Chris was becoming more and more like him as the years went on, having done a similar stint himself when he was younger. Except his list was a questionnaire with hand drawn yes and no tick boxes inserted. No wonder Chris liked Buck’s research binges as much as he did.
“Oh for goodness sake,” Athena groaned, breaking up the moment Eddie and Buck had been having as they smiled at each other over Chris’ head.
“You ok Thena ?” Buck asked as he made his way over to the fireplace Athena was crouched in front of.
“I can’t get the stupid thing to light,” Athena grumbled as she looked at the box of matches as if they were a criminal in her squad car.
“Can I have a try?” Buck asked as he reached for the matches.
“Go ahead baby,”Athena said as she passed the box over. “Don’t think you will have much look though, I have tried 5 already. Must have bought a bad batch.”
“Yeah probably, “Buck agreed as he smirked internally. He had been training after all and all he needed was a flicker. He stroked the match across the igniter, careful to keep his body turned away from the others, especially Athena's eagle eyed gaze. Within seconds the fire was alight with a wide beautiful ember in the centre.Yep, Buck thought as the fire fam cheered as the fire raged beside him. His powers were getting stronger, and soon he would be able to use them to help his siblings stay safe and finally find peace. And maybe have a little fun on the way.