Silence is better than suspicion
He had sent Maddie back to her hotel room with the promise to speak to her in a few days once he had a longer break in between his shifts, not long after her unannounced appearance on his front step. He had been running back and forth in his mind on what he should do, but he wanted to run it all by Peter first. He had initially wanted to help Maddie, feeling it was unfair to help his other siblings but not her, but had quickly changed his mind when he thought more and more about their past. She had always revelled in his failures and had never tried to look out for him while they grew up. If he was going to be heading for this new and improved peaceful life, he was sure he was never going to be able to achieve it if Maddie stayed around.
He remembered in the last timeline, how she had appeared out of nowhere one night and had weasled her way into his apartment with her tearful request for help from her brother. She had prayed on the fact he had lived alone and was still in the mind set back then of wanting a family around him. His fear of being alone affected him differently then than it did now and he was willing to look past most people's flaws in order to ensure he never had to face it. Take Chimney as an example. Maddie’s flaw had always been the same, that she thought the world should bend over backwards to give her whatever she wanted. A flaw his parents had created and had grown with the awning over everything she did. She had expected Buck to jump to help her this time around like he had previously, but like everyone else, she didn’t know she was facing the new and improved Buck who had bigger and better priorities.
One of those priorities was figuring out his powers.He doesn’t remember much about the day he discovered his powers because he couldn’t honestly pinpoint when they had started, he just remembers when they had exploded the most. Unlike some of his siblings, he knew of his powers before their father took them away to ‘train’ them. His powers had come to him in times of great anger and need, but had only truly shown itself a handful of times before his ‘training’ began.
He was so, so angry the first time.
It was his high school graduation. He was so excited to show his parents he wasn’t a screw up. He had the best grades in his class, and was chosen as valedictorian. He couldn’t wait to do his speech in front of the whole graduating class, and afterwards his dad would finally say how proud he was of him. He would maybe get a hug from his mom. However, it hadn’t exactly worked out like that. He had looked at the audience as he stood in front of his class on the football field. He scanned each row, each seat, and realised they hadn’t come. They hadn’t turned up again, not even could they be bothered to remember he existed on what was supposed to be his happiest day so far.
He remembered feeling numb as he spoke in front of his classmates. He felt hollow as he collected his diploma and thanked his teachers as he walked the stage. He felt indifferent as he walked towards his car, dodging the happy families as they posed for photos and shared smiles and laughs. His high school friends had tried to pull him in to celebrate with them, but he had been too heartbroken to notice.
He remembered driving. And driving. And driving. He passed the school gates, his street, the welcome to Hershey sign. He remembered pulling over in a daze trying to figure out why he was so surprised. They hadn’t turned up to a single event of his in years, why should today be any different? Maybe because it was the final event he would have as a child in a way. He was an adult now. Sure, he had been eighteen for a while, but graduating high school felt like the final step. Maybe it was the size of the event. The amount of happy and loving families he had to watch and be introduced to by friends and teammates before the ceremony had started that had made this time so much worse. Nausea climbed further and further up his throat as he told more and more lies to people who asked where his parents were. As he sat there on the side of the road in his beat up Ford F-series he realised as much as he wanted to be mad at them, he wasn’t. He was mad at himself.
He was so mad that he let himself get his hopes up and believe that for once they might show. He was so mad that he had lied for them again. Mad that he had defended them. That he had spent the past four years, ten years, eighteen years living for them; his parents choosing what they wanted him to do. He was so angry he could feel his hands roll into his fists as an intense heat surrounded them. He was in such a rage filled haze at himself - at his choices - he didn't notice as the heat began to flicker around his wrists. As it began to slither up his arms. He barely noticed as the heat travelled away from him and circled around the seats and the steering wheel. He squeezed his eyes tight to try and force the angry tears back down. The hot tears of someone so disappointed in themselves that they could just scream. He didn’t open them again until he smelt and heard the sizzling of burning fabric and metal around him. Hastily opening his eyes in shock, he sat frozen as he saw the flames lick around the interior of his truck before he dived out of the driver's side door.
Buck remembered standing on the side of the road for a long time watching his beloved truck slowly burn. The truck that Buck had worked day in and day out for to buy all on his own. His parents had bought Maddie her first car, but Buck had earned his all on his own. And it was gone. The flames incased the engine in a blazing inferno of fire and smoke. Buck could never explain why his truck had caught fire. The mechanics never found anything that could have caused it when the remains were towed to the nearest garage for inspection. It had remained a mystery, but Buck had always had a slight feeling. He always had a tingle in the tips of his fingers that he could never quite explain.
The second fire had been out of pure emotional distress rather than anger. He had almost forgotten about the weird feeling surrounding the truck fire until his favourite horse at the ranch had been hurt during a ride. A snake nipped at the horse’s heel while riding through the long grass in the woods surrounding the ranch’s fields and there had been nothing the vets could do. Neither the in house vets, nor the animal hospital two towns over.They left Buck to sit with him as he went peacefully and all Buck could imagine was carrying on without his best friend. The one thing in his world that seemed to need him, understand him, love him. That made him feel somewhat whole and appreciated at a time where the rest of his world was crashing around him. Buck remembered running as fast as he could into the woods afterwards; a desperate need to be alone. The tears went unchecked as they streamed down his scrunched, red face. He could still hear the thump and crunch of his knees hitting the leaf covered ground before a sound of such anguish and despair rippled its way out from the deepest part of his soul.
Then the heat was back. Only this time it was harsher. Hotter. Faster. It surged down his fingertips towards his arms and shoulders. It quickly enveloped every inch of Buck’s skin. And, with one last cry, it released itself into the forest floor. It crackled and sparked, turning the surrounding area into a bonfire within moments. Buck sat there for a while taking comfort in the chaos around him, relishing in the fact that he had known the truth this time. Relished in the fact that he didn’t feel so alone anymore. He had caused this. The flames would always be there to protect him.
It had been on a call during a high school fire when the last moment of uncontrollable emotion had taken its toll in the last timeline. He had been separated from Eddie after a ceiling collapse blocked his exit mere seconds after Eddie had managed to get through. He could faintly hear Eddie shout his name, but all Buck could think of at the time was that he was screwed. They knew already before going in that there were limited escape options and the collapse backed Buck right into a corner. He had spent years thinking the flames had been his friend and would always watch over him. Had spent years testing his limits and how much the flames would burn with no physical repercussions. Yet as he navigated the crumbling halls of an entire burning building, he couldn’t see how these flames were ever friendly. Apparently, he had found that limit.
Before he could curse himself for relying on yet another disappointment, the fire surrounded him. However, he wasn’t consumed. Rather than being devoured and scattered to ash, the heat reached out to hold him together and reassure him against his doubts. It squeezed his arms and stroked his face. It nuzzled into him like a loving pet. The flames parted before him, letting him through the wall of fire and seemed to guide him towards the escape it created for him. His team saw it as a miracle when he found them outside. Eddie screamed to be let back in while Bobby looked distraught, making the call that the structure was too unsafe for anyone to run back inside. And then Buck was just there, surrounded by his team but staring back at the flames. He thanked his powers for the first time in a long time, and somehow knew deep down that they had heard him.
He couldn’t help remembering that day as he sat pressed to Eddie’ side in the rig on the way to a high school fire a couple of miles from the station. He had zoned out not long after Bobby had given the basic information of the call, he didn’t need to know much more, he had been there before. As he got out of the rig he stared up at the same school, same windows, same fire that he had faced several years ago. The first fire that truly made him begin to question the weird things that kept happening to him and at the same time, understand his powers as well. The first fire that he began to question whether his powers were really the gift he had always thought of them as. He wanted to scream at Bobby not to send them inside. As much as he wanted to help everyone, it was the reason he became a firefighter after all, he knew no one was alive inside. The last time they found no survivors and he knew by looking at the identical burn marks and flames whipping out of the smashed windows, today was going to be no different. But instead, he knew he would run inside, cause how could he argue anything else? But how could he risk Eddie too?
“Erm Bobby,” Buck mumbled as he approached his Captain. How was he going to explain this? “I don’t … I don’t think there is anyone in there now … I don’t think it’s a good idea to go in.”
“Ok, since when did you not want to show any sort of caution Buck,” Chimney laughed as he overheard Buck’s concerns. Great, now he was involved.
“I just don’t think the building looks safe, what if the ceiling collapsed or something?” Buck asked in a panic. He really didn’t know how to get them to believe him without raising suspicions.
“I think it looks fine,”Chimney laughed. “But if you don’t want to go in, we can always find someone with more of a back bone. Right Bobby?”
“There are no obvious risks visible out here,” Bobby agreed. “We need to do a sweep, so let's head in and stay cautious,” Bobby said as he turned to address the rest of the team.
Buck stuck to Eddie’ side as they entered the front entrance of the school. He could feel his hands begin to shake as they began to look into each and every room for survivors Buck already knew were not there. The high school fire was sad but lucky in the sense that the fire had happened early in the morning so only staff were inside at the time. The fire had taken 3 lives, but no children had been in the building at the time. Buck was never sure if that was a mercy or not. But he supposed it was, because every firefighter knew, children were the hardest to lose.
They were 4 rooms down when Buck saw the ceiling that had nearly killed him 2 years ago, but this time, Eddie was ahead of Buck, not behind him. He had been so busy watching Eddie’ back, he hadn’t thought that the reason Buck had been trapped last time and Eddie had been saved, was because Buck had gone first. Buck’s heart sank to the bottom of his stomach as he heard the tell-tale groan of the ceiling above them as the building's structure began to bend to the will of the inferno around them. Without taking a breath to think, he grabbed ahold of Eddie’ sleeve in front of him and yanked him back with such a force they both fell in a heap in the entryway corridor, mere metres from where the ceiling tiles now lay in a fiery heap on the same lino flooring they were sprawled across. Buck could hear Bobbyny over the radio requesting a complete evacuation of the building.
Eddie looked over him with wide eyes before they both scrambled to their feet and began to evacuate. Buck knew by the look on his face Eddie had questions, and he wasn’t going to let them go. He was just hoping finishing the call off was going to help stall the questions for now while Buck tried to think of some excuses.
“What happened,” Bobby said with concern as they stumbled out the front entrance. Buck supposed they didn’t look their best. They were both covered in ash and smoke and their turnout gear was extremely rumpled compared to the rest of their teammates who had arrived at Bobby’s side before them.
“Ceiling collapsed, just dodged it,” Eddie said with a heavy breath. His face still looked shell shocked.
“The ceiling? How …” Bobby asked in shock as he looked over at Buck. Buck knew what he was thinking, what they were all thinking. How did he know?
“Captain Nash!” A voice shouted off to the side as the team stood frozen in shock as they all considered how Buck had known. Buck looked over and saw the person he didn’t want to see more than anyone else.
“Investigator Sattari,” Bobby greeted as the investigator joined the group.
“How did you know,” Chimney asked as he continued to look over at Buck. The rest of the time looking on in rapped attention waiting for the answer.
“Know what?” Buck asked as he attempted to feign innocence as he warily glanced towards Investigator Sattari.
“Know what?” Ahriman repeated as looked around at the usually lively team in confusion. No this could not be happening. Not in front of him.
“Buck said the ceiling was going to collapse before he went into the building and a part of it nearly fell on him and Eddie. He must have seen something I missed. I am sorry Buckaroo.” Bobby sad mournfully as he took a second glance at the school that was slowly becoming waterlogged as the hoses slowly puttered out the fire and left the school an extinguished cinder box.
Buck was relieved. He hated that Bobby blamed himself for their almost death experience. Hated he was doubting himself, but he was relieved for the scapegoat.
“The building in one area was showing signs of bowing. I am sorry Cap but it is ok, we all make mistakes and we are ok. No injuries. I thought I was imagining it when you said it was safe to go in. I should have trusted my instinct. But it is all ok Bobby. We are ok.” Buck said in a rush to get the words out. He had never felt more guilty, but one glance at Sattari, and the reminder of the investigation, made Buck think of one thing only. Freedom. He wasn’t about to give it up for anyone. Sorry Bobby!
Buck spent the rest of the call avoiding the questioning glances of his team as his anxiety built and built as he thought more about the investigation. They had happily believed Bobby’s story, but they were still doubtful how Buck had seen something Bobby had missed. It was unheard of for the Captain to miss anything. Chimney was still convinced it was even more doubtful for ‘Buck to say anything intelligent,’ if the whispered questions Buck had overheard was anything to go by. Buck wasn’t surprised by that one bit , but it had still hurt. He was surprised though to see Eddie and Chimney in a whispered argument not long after he had walked away to stand on the other side of the scene to help begin to roll away the hoses after overhearing another snide comment come out of Chimney’s mouth. He wasn’t sure what they could have been arguing about though. However, Eddie did aim a soft smile in his direction once Bobby had broken up the heated debate though and had patted him on the shoulder before offering to help Buck with his task. Overall it was an odd end to their call.
The team arrived back at the firehouse 3 hours after they had left. Trucks covered in mud. Firefighters covered in soot. All looking as tired as each other and ready for a long shower. They each climbed into their own shower cubicle and began to clean the grime off their skin. Buck sparing a quick glance at the floor he had nearly singed a day earlier. He spent longer in the showers than the others, in complete silence sat on the cold tile floor as he heard the others chat between themselves from stall to stall before one by one he heard the showers turn off as they all began to leave. Buck didn’t move an inch though. Just stared at the tiles as he watched the ash coloured water slowly make its way down the drain. He knew he wasn’t going to get out of being a suspect. The questioning looks Sattari had aimed at him while on the call confirmed that. He just wasn’t sure what he needed to do to fix it.