Rabbit holes and locker rooms
One step into the firehouse was all it took for all of Buck’s safely hidden memories (good, bad, and absolutely awful) to settle back against his nerves. For a while, his whole life had been this building; he lived and breathed his job. Even through the fear of not being a good enough probie, all the way to his later insecurities over his ever developing powers and his possible Avilion status (even if he wasn't aware that was the case), his job had been everything. Then, even that was too much and he had eventually bowed down to the pressure. The apprehension - the terror - of messing up had come true.
The mix of memories stopped him in his tracks and he had to bite down on the urge to flee. His eyes darted around the open space, unconsciously looking for danger. He used to love this building. To the 2 story tall ceilings to allow the open space to fit the vehicles, to the adapted open plan kitchen loft area that was renovated just before he had arrived. The firehouse had always felt so open and airy. From the ground floor he could see the glass wall that ran along one side of the loft space leading to the captains office and administration area of the building. The exposed brick along the other loft wall was disturbingly parallel to that of his own loft. He supposed he really did live and breathe his job at one point in his life. Behind the trucks on the ground floor lay two segregated areas blocked off painted walls and glass doors leading to a work gym and games room area. A place to unwind between calls. Places he and Eddie would often be found together.
But there was no danger, at least not to the naked eye. It was the wall opposite the main entrance that finally caught his eye. The line of uniforms hung up beneath their names caught his gaze because it made him think of the others and reminded him of each first impression he had of the team.
Bobby, Captain Robert Nash to those he wasn’t so familiar with, oozed authority-figure and left no room for doubt that he was the captain. Despite that, or maybe because of that, he also felt warm and homely, and immediately had Buck yearning for a parental figure he never had. Bobby had replaced his parents in a way over the years, had crossed the boss-slash-father line over and over as they became closer. Buck had even called him dad once or twice. He was the father Buck never really had. He’d taught him to cook and revelled in Buck’s achievements. He had taken care of Buck like one of his own. Bobby had been so betrayed following the investigation and had bled that personal betrayal into their professional relationship. Buck was heartbroken when he lost Bobby’s belief.
Chimney, or Mr Howard Han as was his full title,was THAT character. The one that gave off annoying big brother vibes with his constant running jokes and personal questions that could make you feel part of the team just as quickly as he could make you feel like the scum of the earth. Most of the time he obviously didn’t think about whether it was a good idea before asking or if it was funny before sharing, but that never seemed to stop him, because as long as he was the centre of attention, that was all that mattered. Buck was wary of that at first, concerned when the jokes went a little too far or too low, but when no one else seemed to have the same concerns he put it down to his own insecurities and forced himself to laugh along. He should have trusted his gut. Once the arson investigation turned the firehouse and his life upside down, he realised just how much of a bully Chimney was. Buck wasn’t sure how he would feel upon seeing Howard Han again but knew that he held no respect for him anymore and was more than happy to stay colleagues rather than friends.
Hen was calming. From the moment he met her Hen grounded Buck in a way he would never be able to describe or replicate. He never had that sort of easy serenity with his own family, sadly not even his sister. Hen wasn’t like a mother to him, though. She was more like a guardian angel who appeared to magic away the grey fog that often descended. Buck never had a safe space and never knew he needed one, but Hen became that place for him within minutes, putting him at ease and washing away most of his first day nerves with a warm hug, welcoming him to the team.
Hen was the last one to turn on him during the investigation. For a while, she had given him the benefit of the doubt, listening to his side with a fair ear. However, the resounding consensus of the firehouse was that Buck was a criminal, and Hen was only human; they had worn her down to reluctant agreement with the legally unreliable evidence. Hen, Chimney, and Bobby had worked together for a long time, long before Buck had arrived at the station, and Hen obviously trusted them a lot more than she trusted Buck. That was the hardest lesson to learn.
Then there was Eddie. His Eddie. Though, not for a long time, and apparently not yet. When Buck was released from Hen’s friendly squeeze, and he turned to shake Eddie’s offered hand for the first time, he was immediately struck by how beautiful the man was. Even in the moment he realised how cliché that was, but it was impossible to not notice. He had swallowed down any embarrassing comments he may have made and smiled with the introduction. Eddie had a gorgeous smile. Buck had to drag himself down to Earth to remember English. The gorgeous man didn’t seem to mind, and Buck even noticed a glint in his eye that spoke of a mischief that could rival his own. Beyond that, though, was a hardness that could only be known by someone who held too much pain, loss, and responsibility. Buck knew that feeling all too well. Their missing pieces seemed to fit together and they became fast friends. Even more than friends.
There were others, too, of course. The loud and boisterous Tommy. The quiet and kind Ava. The competitive Logan and Harriet who spent far too much time at the foosball table. Plus everyone he knew in passing from opposite shifts. But those four: Bobby, Hen, Chimney, and Eddie, they were who Buck felt closest to before he was taken. They had been the hardest to lose.
Buck slowly walked towards the locker room off to the far wall of the station,with a hesitancy he had no reason to feel the first time he went through this day.The first time, he walked in as his usual bouncy, cheerful self. He probably caught Hen with another rant about whatever research binge he had ended up on the night before, and the rest of the team were caught by proxy. It was a common occurrence then for Buck to burst into chatter the moment he saw another human, and he knew they would all be expecting the same today. Only, he couldn’t quite remember which specific internet rabbit hole he was stuck in the last time he was able to be near the internet, never mind a rabbit hole he had been down three years ago. It would certainly call for some sort of ribbing from Chimney if he didn’t have anything to say, but he was too nervous to see them all again, too clouded by the memories of the investigation to try and make one up now.
“Yo, Ev, there you are.” Eddie grinned as he finished getting changed. “We were wondering where you got to. You're usually the first one here.” Buck fell slightly out of step as he looked at the love of his life for the first time in two years.
His hair was shorter, Buck noticed first. Plus, he was missing the woven bracelet Chris and Buck had bought him - will buy him - for his birthday in 2 months. He was beautiful. Buck couldn’t decide if he wanted to hug him tight or scream at him for not believing him, for leaving him alone. He had to remind himself that Eddie hadn’t done any of those things yet, they weren’t even together yet. Buck forced himself to walk towards his locker when all he wanted was for Eddie to make everything better. He couldn’t let anyone know.
“Yeah Buckaroo, what gives? Get lost on the way here? Not remember what station you worked for?” Chimney laughed with a mocking tone. Buck winced internally. The idiot may as well have slapped his knee and called it a day with how funny he thought he was. The others didn’t know Chimney’s true colours yet but it was times like this that Buck really didn’t understand what the others saw in him.
Chimney had used moments like this all the time to mock him and play on his nerves when he was down rather than make a friendly joke, while the others chuckled along with his highly amusing cracks because they thought it was a friendly joke. It was always hard to see it as the light teasing it was disguised as, but especially now that he knew for certain. Chimney had fully confirmed his dislike and low opinion of Buck during the investigation which finally made Buck see what the jokes he had laughed off really meant. It was also hard to hear that nickname again. He hadn’t been called Buckaroo for a long time.The team had chosen to separate themselves from him by calling him by his last name like any other stranger on shift during the investigation. The compound had always used their full given names or nicknames based on their powers.
Buck quickly glanced around and saw that everyone in the locker room was looking at him with fond smiles on their faces; Hen with slight concern for his tardiness, most of the others with a friendly rolling of eyes, but Eddie had a tinge of something around the eyes that he hadn’t seen before.
“Umm, no remembered just fine thanks Howard. Just got distracted at home. Sorry,” Buck said as he awkwardly marched over to his locker to get ready for the day avoiding everyone's eyes, missing the raised eyebrow at the use of Chimney’s first name. He had to hold back his surprise when he saw the lack of the lock on the bottom. He had forgotten he hadn’t needed one until the investigation. His stuff had been safe until that point.
As he opened the fire red locker door, he happened to glance into the little mirror stuck to the back of the locker door, and caught Hen and Eddie frowning at each other behind his back. He cursed himself. He was already messing all this up. Was already failing at acting normal. There was no way he could ruin the plan within hours of creating it. He had to buck up.
He started to change in an effort to hide his nerves, staring into his locker so he wouldn’t catch anyone’s eye. The quiet very quickly told him he wasn’t doing such a good job, though, so he hurried himself in hopes that they would leave him alone. And they did. Very slowly, the rustling of the others faded away as they moved to the breakfast waiting for them in the kitchen in the living space upstairs. Hen having to drag Chimney behind her as he began to open his mouth, no doubt with some harsh jibe in retaliation for the use of anything else but his beloved nickname. Buck let out a huge breath and let his shoulders relax from how they had been resting around his ears. He just hoped they would chalk his odd behaviour up to him being late and not question it further.Of course, that was wishful thinking.
As he turned around he nearly jumped out of his skin seeing Eddie standing right behind him. Damn it. Now he needed to think of an excuse on why he was acting so weird. He knew Eddie wouldn’t believe him sleeping in late, at least not with another excuse as to why he would do that, too.
Could he come out and say, ‘Hey Eds, yeah, me and my siblings travelled back in time after a stay in hell on Earth and are now going to live the next 3 years over again like that didn’t happen. Oh we also Avilions. You know that the race that has now died out that can do supernatural things, yeah that's me. Isn’t that great!’ No, of course not. That was stupid. He would sound crazy. He already did feel like he was going crazy. So what did he say instead?
“Hey. You ok?” Buck asked with a glimmer of hope that Eddie wouldn't say much else. Or atleast ask him anything.
“I’m fine, but you don’t seem like it.”
No, I’m not. Just lying to the love of my life - who doesn’t yet know he’s the love of my life - so he doesn’t have me locked up and medicated.
“No, I'm good, just tired. Need coffee to wake up. And quickly. Hop to it and get me a mug would you,” Buck laughed hoping Eddie would take the bait.
“Not on your life, idiot,” Eddie laughed fondly as he began to walk out of the locker room. Buck followed after him relieved. He could lie to the others until he was blue in the face. He had spent his whole life making up a persona for others to look on, but with Eddie, it had always been hard. That was why Eddie had known about the real him more than the others. He had always witnessed the cracks long before they had shown on the foundation. At least that is one problem down for now.