Chapter 1
The war was over, and Sirius didn’t understand why everything hadn’t gone back to the way it was before.
He knew that things wouldn’t be exactly the same, of course. Peter had betrayed them and had been sentenced to Azkaban for life. But the rest of them had survived, and were moving on with their lives. James was in Healer training, Lily was doing an apprenticeship to become a Potions Mistress. Sirius was doing Cursebreaker training. And Remus was..it wasn’t actually too clear what exactly Remus was doing. But he was always busy with work, so he was doing something.
In some ways, things had gone back to the way they were. Sirius went to James and Lily’s for dinner nearly every night and babysat Harry often. He and James would go flying every weekend. He spent time with Andromeda, Ted and Nymphadora. He tinkered with his motorbike, trying to make it faster. And sometimes he saw Remus. Remus, who used to share his flat, and now didn’t. Remus who Sirius used to know everything about, and now felt like a stranger.
Sirius had spent so long believing Remus to be the traitor, but at the end of the war when they realized that it was Peter, Sirius had never once doubted that everything would go back to the way it was before. Remus would forgive him, move back into their flat, and they would be in love again. Of course, Remus swore that he did forgive them all for doubting him. He said he understood. But he never suggested that he move back in. He never started looking at Sirius like he used to. And now he’d all but disappeared from their lives, only showing up for Sunday dinner at James and Lily’s every now and then after a strongly worded owl from Lily.
Sometimes, when Sirius was alone at night, his mind would replay over and over the look in Remus’ eyes when he’d realised that the Order had believed that he was the spy. The way, right after the war ended, Sirius had reached for his hand and Remus had flinched backwards. The way he had looked in the Wizengamot, watching Peter’s trial, when Peter had revealed to the entire court that Remus was a werewolf. His face in the Ministry, stood at the back of the audience with a flashing badge that read ‘Dark Creature’, watching as the rest of the Order received their Orders of Merlin.
Now, Sirius didn’t know what Remus did for work. He didn’t know where he lived. He didn’t know how he spent his time or who he spent his time with. And he was too afraid to ask. He was too afraid to tell Remus how sorry he was, how wrong he had been. He was too afraid to tell him that he was still in love with him.
Which led to him now, sitting on the sofa and James and Lily’s after their regular Sunday dinner, watching the door and hoping maybe Remus was still coming. Maybe he was just late. He’d probably just got lost in one of those Muggle novels of his and had lost track of time.
“He’s not coming, Pads,” James said gently. “Lily saw him last week and he said he was busy”.
“Lily saw him?” Sirius asked. “Where? Does she know where he lives?”
“No,” James said. “They went out for coffee. I don’t think she gave him much choice, but he was still pretty tightlipped about where he is or what he’s up to.”
“I thought he would’ve given up all this secrecy, after the war,” Sirius said. “Is it any wonder we thought he was the spy, when no one knows anything about him anymore?”
“Sirius,” James said, reproachfully. “That was on us, not on him. We shouldn’t have doubted him. Dumbledore told us he wasn’t allowed to tell us what he was doing. We should have trusted that.”
“I know,” Sirius said. “I just…I miss him. And I’m worried about him. Sometimes it feels like he’s disappeared off the face of the planet. No one ever sees him anymore, we barely hear from him.”
“It’s shit,” James agreed. “It's hard enough losing Peter, I didn’t think we’d lose Remus again. But can we really blame him?”
“What, so you think he’s right to disappear on us? After everything that’s happened?”
“No, I don’t think he’s right. But we fucked up. We thought the worst of him. I can’t blame him for wanting some time to himself. And the past few months can’t have been easy for him, after the trial,” James said.
“Well, we could be helping him. But we can’t if he shuts himself off,” Sirius said, sullenly.
“What are you two looking so morose about?” Lily asked, returning to the sitting room after putting Harry to bed.
“Remus,” James told her.
“Ah,” she said, looking at Sirius. “He just needs a bit of space.”
“I’m giving him space!” Sirius protested indignantly. “I haven’t heard from him for weeks and I didn’t even owl him and ask him to come tonight!”
“I know,” Lily said. “But I’m going to convince him to come next week. He won’t say no to me.”
“Oh, so I have to give him space, but you’re allowed to force him over to dinner whenever it pleases you?” Sirius asked.
“Yes,” Lily said. “I never believed he was the spy. I also have significantly more tact than either of you two.”
“Hey!” James protested.
“I just want him to come back and have everything be the same as it was before,” Sirius said. “The war’s over, we apologised, what else can we do?”
“Nothing’s going to be the same, Sirius. And he needs time,” Lily said.
Sirius looked silently out of the window, still hoping for a glimpse of Remsu, face pale and scarf wrapped around his neck. He’d knock on the door, smile sheepishly and apologise for getting distracted. He’d come and sit next to Sirius on the sofa, right next to him, none of the respectful distance he now always kept between them on the rare occasion they were together. He’d let Sirius wrap his arm around his shoulders and smile up at him, open and warm, the scar that cut through his lip stretching in the way that made Sirius’ heart swell.
“The full moon is soon,” Sirius said, abruptly. “He can’t keep doing it alone.”
“Leave it alone, Sirius,” Lily warned. “I’m not joking, you need to leave it be.”
“He’s going to hurt himself. He needs us there. We promised him he would never have to transform alone again.”
“Sirius,” James said. “I hate it as much as you do. But he barely wants to be around us at the best of times. If he doesn’t want us around for the moon we have to respect that. Or he’ll pull away even more.”
“But what if - what if we keep giving him space and he never comes back to us?” Sirius asks.
James and Lily exchanged a glance that Sirius couldn’t read.
“I don’t think it’ll come to that,” Lily said. “But if it does, then-”
“Then what?” Sirius said, enraged. “We never see him again and you’re both just okay with that?”
“Of course not,” Lily said gently. “But he’s very hurt, and if he decides that’s what’s best for him, then we have to respect that.”
Sirius glared sullenly out of the window. He didn’t want to respect that. He didn’t know how James and Lily could be so calm about all of this, when their best friend barely wanted to be around them. They had all lost so much during the war, and against all odds, against Peter’s best efforts, the four of them had survived. How could they just sit back and lose Remus, like they had lost so many others? And for what? The war was over. Why should they have to keep losing people they loved?
***
Remus sighed as he put down the letter from Lily. She was asking him - no, demanding him - to come to dinner on Sunday. She knew he couldn’t say no to her, not when she wrote to him like that, all no-nonsense and matter of fact. Not when she was the only person who had trusted him during the war. He owed her for her faith in him, owed more than he could ever repay.
Remus couldn’t explain it to her, why he couldn’t seem to be around anyone else anymore. Why every time he spent time with her and James and Harry and Sirius, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He barely understood it himself. It was hard enough around Lily and she had trusted him the whole time. But as soon as he was around James and Sirius, all he could think about was how they hadn’t believed in him. How James hadn’t wanted Remus around his wife and son, scared that Remus was about to sell them out to Voldemort. How Sirius had told him not to come back to their flat because he couldn’t live with someone he didn’t trust not to be hiding a dark mark under his sleeve.
And it was Remus’ fault, he knew. James and Sirius didn’t do anything wrong, not really. Peter had been feeding them likes, and it was only natural to suspect the werewolf. They had done so much for him over the years, accepting him and loving him despite everything. Becoming Animagus to help him during moons. It was already more than enough that they were willing to spend time with a werewolf when he looked like a human, but they were also willing to spend time with him transformed. How could Remus hold it against them when he owed them so much?
The thing about James and Sirius was that they loved each other so much. Remus had always known that Sirius loved James more than he loved him, and he’d never held it against him. How could he? Of course Sirius loved James more. James was his brother, his human brother who was kind and compassionate and didn’t turn into a monster once a month, didn’t spend the days either side of the moon exhausted and in pain, didn’t need taking care of. James gave so much, to everyone, but especially to Sirius, and all Remus seemed to do was take. Take his money, take his time, take his energy. Of course Sirius loved James more. Remus was grateful that there was any love to spare for him. He wouldn’t dare ask for anything more.
Sirius and James were each other’s family. Sirius had been so worried when James and Lily got married, that he would be replaced and forgotten about. But of course, James could never forget about Sirius. He wasn’t capable of it. They simply became a family of three. And then Harry came along, and they became a family of four. It had always made Remus so happy to watch the four of them together. It didn’t matter that he knew that he would always be on the outskirts, never fully included. He was just so happy to watch Sirius be happy. Remus knew that Sirius had always wanted a real family, and he was so grateful to watch him get it. But it also made panic flare in his chest. Sirius was made for this, made for joy and love and family. Something that Remus could never have. How long until Sirius realised that he couldn’t have this with Remus, and went to find someone who could truly belong?
James and Sirius had simply been trying to protect their family, and Remus couldn’t blame them for sacrificing him to do that. But he also couldn’t be around that family anymore, knowing that for so long he had been the threat, had been the big scary monster threatening their safety.
The war was over for them, and Remus was grateful. He was so, so grateful that they had survived. But it wasn’t over for Remus. It would never be over for Remus. For him, there was no ‘after the war’ where everything went back to normal. Peter had seen to that, when he had revealed to the Wizengamot that Remus was a werewolf. Remus dreamed about it sometimes, the way Peter had looked him dead in the eyes as he revealed the secret that he knew Remus had tried so hard to keep for his entire life. The way Sirius, sitting on Remus’ left, had grabbed his hand so hard it hurt. The way the witch, sitting on Remus’ left, had gasped and jerked down the bench like she had been burned, disgusted to have been sitting so close to a werewolf.
Things didn’t get to go back to normal for Remus. The day after the trial, Dumbledore had sent him an owl instructing him to register with the Ministry now that he had been outed. He’d lost his job that same night. It had taken him weeks to find a landlord willing to let a flat to a Dark Creature. Now, he had to transform in the Ministry cells, locked behind silver bars that made him so nauseous he was lucky if he didn’t throw up before the transformation even started. He worked in a very dubious pub in Knockturn Alley in exchange for an attic room, one meal a day and a truly upsetting amount of galleons a week. People spat at him in the street.
He should be grateful, he knew. He had spent so long with the packs, slowly losing all pretence of humanity. When he was in between missions, after Sirius had asked him to leave, he slept on park benches and under bushes and in doorways down quiet alleys. He had a place to sleep, he had one guaranteed meal a day, and he had a little bit of money he could save up to buy blood replenishing potions and bandages for after the moon. He didn’t need anything else. He didn’t have the right to want anything else. But all the same, it felt impossible to go to the Potter’s warm, cosy cottage for Sunday night dinners, as though nothing had changed. As though Sirius still loved him, as though they would go home at the end of the night to their flat together, and hold each other on the sofa until they fell asleep. Things could never go back to the way they were, and there was no use pretending they could.