I need to come clean. It’s tearing me apart but I need to do it. We weren’t made to last. “Sirius?” Remus calls again. I must be spacing out. My chicken is still on my fork. I vaguely register his hand in mine under the table. I’m not making it easier for myself. Suddenly, I’m letting go and standing up.
“Sirius? Where are you going? You’ve barely eaten.” That voice. It brings me back to when I was a kid. When my mother was still full of joy and excitement. When she treated me like her son instead of a creature, not seen nor heard. “ Guess ‘m not very hungry tonight.” I say and leave before anyone else can stop me. I need to be alone.
I wander the halls for a bit, not quite sure where I’m going. I find myself at the trophy cases. There’s one from 3rd year with my name on it. Apparently I was exceptionally good at quidditch. I quit after 5th year though. There was no point. Nothing I would do could make my parents proud. Not anymore.
“Mr. Black!” I hear a voice yell from the other end of the hallway. Filch. I run from the cases, down the stairs, past the hundreds of moving paintings and into the common room. Filch can’t get me here. People start to trickle in from dinner. Most people stay for dessert so it must be later than I think. I go into the dorm, get changed and hide myself in the covers.
It must be past 10 once James, Peter and Remus get in. They’re loud about it. Then I hear a “Shush, all of you. Don’t wake Sirius. Let him get his rest.” And then a “He’s fast asleep, Moony. It hardly matters either way. You’re just in love.” In love, right. That’s what we are. That’s what makes it harder “Shut it!” I hear after that. Then the room is silent. Peaceful.
Tomorrow I’ll do it.
*-*
Today comes too soon, though. I have to tell him. But as soon as I see him in the morning, I need to catch my breath again. I’ve never been the romantic type but there’s something about him. His light brown hair is messy as he rises from his bed. The light in his eyes intoxicates me still. I still fall in love with him every time I watch him wake. I still fall in love with him every time he laughs. I still fall in love with him as he pours over his books.
That’s what makes it harder.
“Staring at me, Padfoot?” He teases, grabbing his glasses finally and standing over my bed. I feel myself blush. I can’t allow myself to fall further. But god, how he looks at me. “Not at all.” I lie. I get up too now. Remus still towers over me as I stand. “Lying to me now, Sirius?” He teases again, putting his arms on my shoulders. I feel myself sinking into my bed. My body won’t listen to my brain.
He leans over me and his lips brush against mine. Oh. Then we’re kissing. His arms are on my back and under the jumper I stole from him and it’s all going too fast and I can’t let go. I need to let go. Luckily James saves me.
“Ahem, lovebirds.” He interrupts. Remus jumps back and I think about all the times we’ve almost been caught by other people. People who are not our friends. Classmates. Professors. “I should get dressed.” I say and close the curtains. I don’t want to face other people today. So I wear Joggers and keep on Remus’s jumper.
I open the curtains again. Remus is sitting on his bed already changed. “Ready, Si?” He asks, smiling. Oh that smile. I shake my head. “I’m not feeling well. Think I’m going to stay in for the day.” I lie. “Oh I can get breakfast for you and bring it up.” He says. “I think I’ll be able to get it myself.” I tell him. I can’t see him anymore today. I can’t face him before I do it.
“Are you sure?” He asks. My friends always leave early after breakfast on Mondays. So I’ll have time to eat by myself. At 8:30 I go downstairs to eat alone. I’m not really alone though. The late risers are still eating. McGonagall actually squints when she sees me.
“Mr. Black. Your friends informed me you were ill.” She says. I drop my fork and look up to see the disappointment in her eyes. “Please don’t tell them.” I say, dropping the tough act. She gives me a look of sympathy. I’m so sick of that look! I’m not some hurt dog!
I no longer have the appetite to eat my sausage so I leave with an invisibility spell on my plate. Once I’m outside I feed it to one of the hounds. He must sense I’m not feeling well because he sits with me and rolls over on his stomach. I pet him for a while. And suddenly I’m pouring my heart out to a campus dog. “Oh god I’m a mess.” I say, mostly to myself. The dog looks at me with a sad expression and sits up straight. I reckon you’re a great person. He barks. “Thanks, Steve. It’s not true though.” I say and walk away.
I get back to my dorm at noon. My friends must be going to lunch around now. I can’t join them. I can’t face Remus like this. So I sit in bed, bloody miserable. I don’t feel like doing anything but sob. I will not cry.
After a while I feel eyes on me. Remus. “What are you doing back here?” I ask him. He looks at me and holds out a plate. “Brought lunch.” I sit up in bed. He’s holding all my favorites. Chicken pot pie, Pasta with Tomato sauce, chips, curry. He knows me too well. “Thanks, Moony. I’m really not hungry though.” He knows I’m lying. But it must not be worth the fight because he leaves the plate on my desk and kisses me on the cheek. “See you later, alright?” The scars on his face brush against my smooth face. “Later.” I respond.
20 minutes later I eat my magically still warm food, sitting at my desk. I stare at the parchment scroll and quills. I feel the urge to write. I don’t know why but my hands start moving. I don’t feel in control as I write the short message.
“We should talk. Meet me at the astronomy tower at 8.” The guilt hits me immediately. I want to tear it up. I want to hurt myself for even thinking of breaking Remus’s heart. I want to scream it all out. But I don’t do any of that. I sit at my desk, staring at the wall.
There, it’s done. Now we wait.
*-*
Sure enough, at 8 on the dot, Remus arrives. He’s clearly scarfed down his supper just to come here. Just for me to break his heart. I watch him silently in the moonlight for a minute. It reminds me of when I first realized I liked him. Our first kiss was in this same astronomy tower, scared out of our minds.
“You wanted to speak to me?” He asks. I don’t say anything. I have to do it. I have to rip the bandaid off. He notices my silence and comes and stands next to me. “What’s on your mind, Pads?” He asks. I’m staring out into the sky when I first speak.
“We should break up.”
“Why?”
“I’m not good for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“My parents named me after the brightest star in the night sky. And when I was a kid I lived up to that expectation. But now at 16, I’m too bright for my parents. And ever since school started, I’ve been too dark for everyone else, Remus. I’m not good for you.”
I stare at the stars then, not able to look him in the eye. It’s freezing out here. But it’s the only place I can think of doing it. Remus looks at me. I can feel his eyes on me. He grabs my hand. I pull away.
“It’s funny you mention names, Si, cause my parents named me on purpose. My name means twin. And I’ve been lonely all my life. Until you.There’s this Greek theory that we’re only half a human. That the person you were split apart from is your soulmate. You’re my other half.”
I shake my head. “I’m broken, Remus. And my broken parts will never make a full half. We both know that. I’ll never be what you want.” It feels like the world is ending. Remus. Remus is my world. And it needs to be over. I’m not letting him live.
He laughs though. Actually laughs. Then he looks at me.
“When I was five, I became a werewolf. My parents tried everything to cure me. They’d spend hours and hours searching for a cure, or help, or something to fix me. And there was a point where every night I would hear them arguing. My poor muggle mother, praying for a normal son. And my father, talking about how it was all his fault that I was a monster.” Remus? A monster? Impossible!
He takes my hands. And I can’t let go of him. “I’ve seen the worst people. And I’ve seen good people turn on me. People who promised they wouldn’t. But you, you stayed. You stayed up with me every full moon. And you made yourself an illegal Animagus. And you do dumb things like try to break up with me for my own good. But these last 16 years, I’ve been told that all the horrible ways people treat me are for my own good. And I know, truly, that being with you is for my own good.” But I feel myself crashing and falling and burning all over again.
“No, Remus. I don’t deserve you. We’re in two different worlds and trying to patch us up over and over isn’t worth your energy. Because I have been and always will be, a monster. End of story. Goodbye.” And just like that, I walk away from the best thing in my life.
And just like that, our stars have drifted too far.