I can’t be with you
The thing about Jackie was, she never let things hang. She filled silence with noise, rewrote awkwardness with attention. Changed the subject like it was a sport. She’d say Jeff just liked her for her mind while wearing a push-up bra from Macy’s, and no one would call her on it because she was Jackie. And Jackie didn’t let things happen without her permission.
So when she kissed Shauna—almost kissed Shauna—and then didn’t say a single thing about it the next day, Shauna didn’t know what to do with that.
⸻
In chemistry, Jackie was humming.
Fucking humming.
Shauna stared at her lab sheet, eyes not tracking the words. She could hear Jackie shifting in her seat, tapping her pen against the desk, the little private rhythm of a girl completely unbothered. Or pretending to be.
Shauna’s leg bounced under the desk. She hadn’t touched her lunch. She kept tasting toothpaste and bile.
“Did you do the second equation?” Jackie asked, real casual.
Shauna didn’t look up. “No.”
Jackie clicked her pen. “You okay?”
And there it was.
That sweet, saccharine concern Jackie wore like perfume—something sticky and hard to wash off.
“Fine,” Shauna said, too quickly.
Jackie raised her eyebrows. “Cool.”
That was it.
Cool.
Jackie went back to her worksheet like she hadn’t almost kissed her best friend the night before. Like her breath hadn’t hit Shauna’s lips in that pause between dare and decision.
⸻
That night, Shauna lay on her bed with her journal open but blank. She couldn’t write it down. If she wrote it down, it’d be real. She’d see it. The want would take shape. The guilt, the confusion. The ache of almost.
Instead, she curled up under the covers and tried not to think about Jackie’s mouth.
⸻
Meanwhile, Jackie was at the Oakville Public Library, pretending she had a paper to work on. She logged into a public terminal with a sticky keyboard and typed “am I gay” into Ask Jeeves.
It wasn’t like she thought she was. But she’d googled things before. Like what does it mean when you dream about your best friend. Or is it normal to want to kiss your best friend if you’re a girl. Or can you still be straight if you’ve kissed girls at parties. And this wasn’t kissing girls at parties. This was Shauna.
Shauna, who made everything complicated.
Shauna, who watched her like she was a lit match.
Jackie took a Buzzfeed quiz. Then another. Then closed the tab like it was a sin.
She wasn’t gay.
She was just… Jackie.
⸻
The next day at school, the tension had texture. It was in the air. Heavy like humidity before a storm.
Tai noticed it first.
Van caught it too.
They leaned against the lockers after gym, watching Jackie walk down the hallway in her cheer skirt, tossing her hair like it meant nothing. Shauna was ahead of her, stiff-backed, eyes locked on the floor tiles.
“She’s doing the thing again,” Van murmured.
Tai didn’t look away. “Shauna or Jackie?”
Van chewed her gum. “Both.”
⸻
Jackie found Shauna after sixth period, by the vending machines, where the fluorescent lights buzzed just loud enough to drown out the sound of her own pulse.
“You mad at me or something?” Jackie asked, crossing her arms.
Shauna blinked at her. She looked tired. Like she hadn’t slept. Like she’d been holding her breath for twenty-four hours.
“You tell me.”
Jackie tilted her head, gave a practiced smile. “We were just messing around.”
Shauna laughed, bitter and quiet. “You almost kissed me.”
Jackie shrugged. “So?”
“So?” Shauna echoed, voice cracking a little. “Jesus, Jackie.”
Jackie looked away. Picked at her cuticle. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It is to me.”
That made Jackie look up.
Shauna’s arms were crossed now. Like armor. Her eyes wet, but not crying. Not yet.
“You can’t just…” Shauna swallowed. “Say shit like that and act like it’s nothing. You always do this. You pull me in and then… you disappear.”
Jackie’s mouth opened, then closed again. She didn’t have an answer for that.
“I don’t care if you’re scared,” Shauna said, voice lower now, steadier. “I am too. But don’t lie to me. Not about this.”
Jackie didn’t say anything.
She just stared at the floor like it had something important to say.
⸻
Van cornered Tai by the parking lot.
“They’re gonna combust.”
Tai raised an eyebrow. “You think it’s mutual?”
Van gave her a look.
Tai sighed. “Yeah. Me too.”
⸻
Jackie went home and stood in front of her bathroom mirror.
She tried to say it.
Tried to say I wanted to kiss you. I think I meant it.
But the words stuck in her throat.
She opened her mouth and let nothing come out.
⸻
Shauna reread her journal entry four times before tearing the page out and setting it on fire in her backyard grill.
She watched the ash scatter