A Stag and a Wolf.
“Hopefully it isn’t too late
Lucky for you, I’m patient.
I’m okay with you making me wait
And as long as you’re near, I’ll be here
Even if it takes ten years.”
September 30th, 1993. – Remus’ POV.
The day of the Full Moon was always a challenge for Remus.
His bones ached and his head throbbed with every slight movement. His appetite was always big, bigger the week before the Moon, but the day before? The day before, Remus was insatiable. He would eat and eat and fucking eat, but nothing seemed to soothe the starved feeling in his gut.
As always, he spent the day with dark, hollow pits under his tired eyes, putting his lethargy on display for all of Hogwarts to bear witness. There was a bone deep soreness that had him thanking Merlin it was a Saturday and he didn’t have any classes to teach.
And listen, Remus loved his job. It brought him all kinds of joy that he hadn’t felt in 12 years, but he didn’t fancy being surrounded by a class full of rowdy kids all day with the headache that already felt like it would crack open his skull - even without the added noise.
Just when Remus was planning on leaving his room to head to the Shack, there was a knock on his door.
Shit, Remus groaned internally, not now.
But his wound-up breath released when he opened the door and saw who his visitor was.
“Poppy,” he exhaled, relief flooding his senses. She knew that he couldn’t stay for much longer. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
Poppy Pomfrey, his favourite adult in the whole castle (Yes, Remus knows he’s an adult, but he’ll only ever feel like a child here. He grew up here, after all), had a worried crease between her eyebrows as she smiled at him. “Nothing is the matter, Mr Lupin. I thought I could walk down with you. Keep you company.”
This was why Remus loved Poppy like she was his own mother. She always took care of him, even when he was too stubborn to admit he needed caring for.
As a boy, she tended to his wounds with a precise gentleness that he felt he never deserved. Out of all the teachers at Hogwarts, she was someone who never treated him like he was fragile. To be fair to McGonagall, she never did either, but it was different with Poppy.
Remus never felt like he had to pretend around her. He felt safe and loved and like his entire existence wasn’t a burden. It was hard constantly feeling like a burden.
“I don’t want to be a bother,” he replied, scratching the back of his neck and wincing at the strain on his muscles. He was very sensitive to any and every kind of movement right now.
She scoffed, waving him off like the only bother was his protest. “Don’t be silly. Come on.”
Smiling, he closed the door behind him and followed her into the hall.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, worrying her lip between her teeth – a bad habit she’d had since before Remus could even remember.
Before he could lie, Poppy sent him a look which had him holding up his hands, feigning innocence. “About the same as usually, really. Hungry, tired, sore, headache. I’m just looking forward for this to be over – until I have to do it all over again, that is.”
“I wish I could make this easier on you,” Poppy muttered sadly. Remus spared her a side glance and frowned, shaking his head.
“You do. You do make it easier,” he said firmly. “Can you imagine how fucked I’d be without you– How fucked I was without you?”
“I’ll excuse your language,” Poppy chided. “I do appreciate you saying that. I feel very responsible for you, you know?”
“I know you do. I’m more grateful than you know,” Remus replied. They reached the large oak doors at the entrance to the castle and with a flick of Poppy’s wand, it opened graciously for them.
“Can I tell you something in confidence?” Remus asked, a cheeky smile forming on his face at the memory that popped into his head as they walked towards the Whomping Willow.
Sensing his tone, she turned a raised brow upon him. “Alright, go on then.”
Flashing a wonky smile, he shook his head. “You have to promise you won’t tell anyone.”
Huffing a laugh, she promised, “I swear on Merlin and Morgana that your secret is safe with me, Remus Lupin.”
“Do you remember in my Fifth Year how my injuries just kind of... stopped. Well, not stopped, but lessened drastically?”
She eyed him suspiciously and nodded her head. “I had no idea what changed, but I have a feeling I’m seconds away from finding out.”
He grinned, shaking his head with amusement. “My friends found out I’m a werewolf in our second year and they always took care of me. I’m sure you remember.”
“How could I forget? I’m not that old, you know?” she replied, not mentioning Remus’ use of ‘my friends’ rather than their names. He wasn’t quite ready to say Sirius’ name aloud, but he was getting better at thinking of him without spiralling.
“You’re going to kill me,” he muttered. “So, they figured out how to become Animagi in Fifth Year?” he trailed off like it was a question, choosing to pretend he didn’t see the way her head whipped around to stare at him in shock. “I didn’t know about it until after they completed the transformation. I guess they know me too well, because I absolutely would have protested it up and down until the day I die.”
There was a moment of silence as Poppy waved her wand at the tree and it’s frantic waving paused. She then continued walking and finally spoke, tone not as scolding as he expected. “I can’t say I’m happy about this, but if you’ll let me be honest with you, I’m not all that surprised. The four of you were absolutely devoted to each other. Oh, and I knew that your friends knew about you.”
“You did?” Remus spluttered, surprised.
“They came to visit you in the Hospital Wing after every Moon,” she said flatly, her lips lifting at Remus’ laugh.
Grimacing, he admitted, “Yeah, they weren’t subtle at all now that I think about it. Anyway, the Wolf couldn’t tell that they were anything but regular animals, so they spent the Moons with me and stopped me whenever I tried to hurt myself.”
“I shouldn’t be saying this,” she whispered conspiratorially as they reached the door to the room Remus would be spending the night in. “But I’m glad they were there with you. You wouldn’t believe how relieved I was when you stopped waking up with broken bones and alarmingly deep gashes.”
“Sometimes before you’d arrive to take me back to the castle, they would heal me of the minor cuts and bruises. They became Animagi for me and learned healing spells for me. I don’t even know why they would bother, to be honest,” he said through a pained groan, the Moon starting to affect him. “You need to leave.”
Before she left, Poppy pulled Remus into a gentle hug. “They bothered because they cared. I’m sure they would all do it over again in a heartbeat if they had to,” she whispered.
Remus could only snort self-deprecatingly. “Not all of them,” he said, sweat beginning to bead at his temple.
“I will go now,” said Poppy, untangling herself from the embrace. “It’s not my place, but Remus? I wouldn’t believe everything you hear, even if it’s been a long time and feels impossible... I’ll be back first thing tomorrow morning.”
And before he could even begin to decipher what that meant, she wished him a goodbye and the door clicked shut. He couldn’t dwell on it though, because a sudden jolt of absolute agony twisted through him and he fell to the floor, clutching his ribs.
It took a great deal of willpower and the mortifying thought of Poppy finding him there naked as a grown man to rid himself of his clothes - better to have them off now than risk them being shredded later. It was just in time too, because as soon as his pants were off, his bones began to snap.
He wailed out in pain into the still shack, writhing around as each bone snapped one by one.
There was always that moment during the transformation that had him blacking out, body not being able to take the torture, and suddenly, gone was the writhing man, now replaced by the Wolf who growled low into the night, frustrated already.
That is until the Wolf sniffed and paused, uncertain.
It can’t be...
The Wolf turned at the scent, bowing low to the ground, ready to pounce when the door began to creak open. But the Wolf had to stop in its tracks when it laid eyes upon the creature that walked proudly into the room and kicked out its hind leg to close the door behind himself.
There, in all his glory, stood an all too familiar stag.
The stag kept a fair distance between himself and the Wolf, seeming to assess its mood. And when the Wolf let out a pleased howl and jumped playfully, he rushed forward and knelt before the Wolf, presenting himself wholly and truly.
Pack. Pack. Pack.
***
James’ POV.
The first thing James felt when he came face to face with Moony was gut-wrenching sadness at the fact that they were reuniting in these circumstances.
James had waited for this moment for so long, though, and if he had to see Moony instead of Remus, that was okay with him. Prongs loved Moony, he always had. But James missed the fuck out of Remus and he longed to see him, even just the slightest glimpse of his face.
The second thing he felt was fear. Not in the sense that he was scared of Moony, never that. But what if he didn’t recognise Prongs? What if he had forgotten about his Full Moon friends?
But when the familiar sound of a playful howl left Moony’s mouth and he leapt into the air, James knew that he hadn’t forgotten. Not in the slightest.
So Prongs made his way over to Moony and kneeled, presenting his antlers as if to say “I’m here and from this moment forward, I will always be here.”
Moony pawed gently at the top of Prongs’ head, tongue darting out and licking up his nose and between his eyes, something he only ever did to Padfoot – Moony always favoured Padfoot.
If James could describe the feeling, he would. But he didn’t know the words for this kind of happiness. This kind of relief. This kind of elation.
Moony ran across the room and in his excitement, he bumped into the wall and fell. It wasn’t enough to hurt him – not by a long shot – but Prongs stood on alert anyway. The huge huff that fell from Prongs’ mouth – that could have been a sigh of relief, but also could have been a disbelieving laugh – came when Moony collapsed onto his back, presenting his stomach and his tongue lolled out from the side of his mouth as he looked upside down at Prongs.
He knew exactly what that meant. Moony wanted belly scratches.
What was James to do but give in?
And he did give in, not just to the belly scratches that he was treating Moony to, but to all of the selfish desires that he had been keeping inside for 12 long years. It wasn’t even his choice at this point; every idealistic desire exploded from within him in that moment, and all he could do was let the dam break.
If there was one thing James took out of his night with Moony, it was absolute fucking certainty that they were going to make it to the other side of this godforsaken life with their hearts full and smile lines imprinted in their skin.
Because James was going to fix this. He was going to get Remus back, and they were going to get Sirius back – together. It didn’t matter to James how long it would take to convince Remus of Sirius’ innocence; he would spend every day for the rest of his life attempting to do just that.
Because Sirius was innocent and there was nothing, absolutely fucking nothing that could convince James otherwise. He believed it 12 years ago, and he believes it now. Because it’s the truth, and James is so fucking happy that Sirius is finally out of that place.
In that moment, James felt powerful. Just the sight of Remus – Moony, actually – triggered such strong emotions in him and he felt on top of the fucking world.
So much had been taken from him. Remus – his best friend. Sirius – his brother. Mary, Marlene, Alice, Frank. Even Peter – someone who he considered a best friend for a decade of his life.
And it pained James to play favourites, but between Sirius and Peter? It was always going to be Peter who destroyed them. He betrayed them, and that, James was sure of.
Sure, there is no proof, but James and Lily both knew that he was the one who set Sirius up. He was the one who acted strange during the war. He was the one who became distant and was always busy. He was the one who dug for information, who got uncharacteristically irritated when he wasn’t told anything more than a simple “Just Order business, Pete.” He even tried to place blame, whispering in James’ ear constantly about Sirius’ ‘suspicious’ behaviour, about Remus’ ‘sneaking around’.
James doesn’t know how they didn’t see it back then. It was so obvious, but James always had an issue with being too loyal. Because no. Peter was his best friend. He wouldn’t do that to them. He wouldn’t attempt to give up baby Harry to the murderous lunatic that had it out for him.
But he did. And he got away, faking his death like only a coward could do and the blame was placed and Sirius was locked up without trial all while James and Lily laid unconscious in St Mungos for two days.
And then Remus left, but James couldn’t blame him one single bit. It hurt. Oh, it hurt so fucking bad. Other than Harry and Lily, Remus was all he had left. But then he was gone, too, and James tried to be okay, but it was hard.
He’s never been angry at Remus for leaving, and neither has Lily. If they were in his situation, they would have done the exact same thing. But they had Harry and that needed to be enough. It was enough. Harry was the blessing they needed, but Remus didn’t have that.
No, instead he had a ‘dead’ best friend and a boyfriend who had supposedly committed the biggest betrayal, and why would he even question it? The war was just a huge pit of deception and the ugly truth that you can’t trust everyone, and Remus had lost so much.
Oh, he had lost and lost and he had nothing to gain.
But that was going to change. James would bet his fucking life on it. Because he knew Sirius – he knows Sirius, and he wouldn’t even consider being angry with Remus. He would understand, and James was going to do whatever it took to get Moony his Padfoot back.
They were going to be The Marauders once again – minus one, but whose fault was that? – and being here now with Moony, he could already feel the pieces of his heart stitching back together.
He may not be a wolf, but in the presence of Moony, all he could think was pack.
The night passed James by far too quickly for his liking. He wasn’t ready to leave and be without Remus once again. But the sun would be up soon and Moony was curled in the corner, crying out in pain.
The transition was happening and James wished so badly that he could comfort Moony, but he couldn’t. He would kick Prongs away if he got too close – James knew that from experience – and it was best that he just left him alone until he was Remus again.
It took a few minutes, but Remus was Remus again and he was unconscious like he always was after transforming back. James couldn’t move, stock still by the door at the sight of him, because there he is. There is my Remus.
Wanting to leave before Remus could realise he was there, he changed back into his human form and rushed over, grabbing the sheet from the old bed in the corner of the room to cover Remus’ vulnerable body. For modesty, but also because of the breeze.
James would tell Remus that he was there, but he didn’t want to put Remus on the spot. He was clearly not ready to see James, so he would leave and send Remus a letter later in the day. Remus might know the second he wakes up, what with that pesky werewolf nose of his.
He successfully covered Remus’ body, only after he had checked for any injuries. It was a relaxed night, Moony and Prongs just catching up. Nothing too playful happened, so he had no lasting injuries. There were a bunch of minor bruises covering his skin from the transformations, but other than that; Remus was fine.
James released a sigh and just stared at his old friend for a few moments. He looked just the same as his did back when they were younger, only a few details that had changed.
His hair was greying slightly and his scars were more silver than they were pink. But his lashes were just as long and his face was impossibly smooth of wrinkles – James almost laughed out loud in utter jealousy.
Now, James barely had any wrinkles, but he had crow's feet beside his eyes that he loathed. Lily thought it was adorable though, and James blushed every time he thought about that.
Sighing with a full, real smile on his face, James pressed a chaste kiss to Remus’ temple and left, changing back into Prongs as soon as the door closed behind him.
***
Remus’ POV.
“Fucking hell,” Remus groaned as he peeled his eyes open. The sun shining through the boarded-up windows pierced his skull unpleasantly, sending shooting pains into his head.
He closed his eyes tightly, willing away the unwelcome light, but they shot back open when the breeze picked up slightly and an impossible smell filled his heightened senses.
What the fuck?
Though it seemed insane, Remus would know that scent anywhere.
But no – he was just delirious right now. Making stuff up. Because how?
Sighing to himself, Remus peeled off the sheet that was draped over his naked body and stood, ignoring the protest of his body and went to find his clothes. He couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t in as much pain as usual because he had exactly no injuries. Hm. Weird.
Did I cover myself with that sheet? Remus wondered, not remembering doing so.
The only lingering pain came from the transitioning, but that was long forgotten when after he had pulled on his clothes, he spotted the footprints.
“No...” Remus whispered, his fingers rising to cover his mouth. Shaking his head, he walked closer to the dirt stamped stag prints leading in from the door. “He- no.”
That was the moment that Madam Pomfrey chose to walk through the door, instantly rushing to him with disapproval laced through her tone when she scolded, “Mr Lupin! What do you think you’re doing, walking about so soon? Sit down, I will levitate you back to the castle!”
She was too fussed with Remus to notice what he was looking at, and he was too tired to argue. He let her take him without complaint, his head spinning the whole way to the Infirmary, but not because of the pain.
Shortly after Poppy had him settled in bed and checked for internal injuries, he was fluttering in and out of sleep when an owl swooped in. Remus knew the owl, but couldn’t place where he knew the creature from.
That was until it dropped a shrunken package on the foot of Remus’ bed along with a letter, which upon further inspection, was a howler. Remus’ eyes widened in alarm, calling out for Poppy because who the fuck was sending him a Howler?!
She came dashing in from her office, shooing away the bird, mumbling “Not in my Infirmary, no way.”
“I just got a Howler delivered to me in the fucking hospital,” Remus said, shaking his head in disbelief because he does not recall doing anything that prompted a screeching piece of paper being sent to him.
“You better open it, darling,” Pomfrey advised, noting that it looked seconds away from exploding.
He looked at her and nodded, accepting his fate.
But when he opened it, it didn’t scream. No, instead it sung in a playful and very familiar voice, “Special delivery for the Moon Man.”
And, oh. That’s why Remus knows the bird.
It seemed like he couldn’t breathe in that moment, couldn’t move, couldn’t react. But when he looked up at Poppy and saw the sweet smile on her face, his eyes began to fill with tears and his lower lip wobbled uncontrollably as he tried his damn hardest not to cry.
But it was no use. The tears came seconds after meeting her eye and she let out an almost silent “Oh” and bustled over to his side, cradling his head against her chest as he broke down.
She cooed soothing words into his ear and stroked his hair, just like she would do when he was young.
He should feel embarrassed – he’s a thirty-three year old man crying into the Hogwarts Mediwitches robes, hyperventilating all because of one stupid Howler.
But it wasn’t stupid, because it was James. His best friend who never gave up on him, not even now.
Pulling back from Poppy’s embrace, he sniffled before speaking. “They never gave up on me, James and Lily. I haven’t spoken to them in 12 years and still, they choose to love me. Why do they think I deserve it?”
She took in his wide and pleading red-rimmed eyes and frowned, sitting on the bed beside him. “They don’t blame you for leaving, Remus,” she said softly. “Lily and James Potter are great friends of yours, and it’s clear that they see the same amount of worth in you that I do. You deserve all the love in the world, despite not being around. You had to leave, Remus. You did it to protect yourself. They get that, and they love you anyway.”
He looked up at her and felt like a wounded child seeking comfort in his mother. He felt safe with her, and that’s why he said: “I think James was there last night.”
She looked shocked for a second, but quickly recovered her expression into a smile. “He loves you.”
“Yeah,” Remus sighed, aiming for a smile but landing somewhere closer to a grimace. “I love him, too,” And then the tears were back, but he wiped them away forcefully, angry with his lack of control over his emotions.
“I need you to know that your feelings are valid,” Poppy took his hands away from his face and held them as she spoke. “But you can’t avoid them forever, love. Especially now that Harry is in your life.”
And isn’t that something. Remus didn’t even realise that what he was doing was avoiding, and he feels fucking stupid because obviously that’s what he’s been doing and how did he not realise that. Remus doesn’t even know what he thought he was doing – he never even thought about the specifics.
“Poppy?” She hummed in reply, pushing his hair back from his face. “Do you have a quill and some parchment I could use?”
She smiled, getting up and rushing to her office. Within seconds, she was handing Remus a page of blank parchment, a beautiful quill with silver detailing and a matching inkpot.
Giving him some privacy, Poppy stepped out of the room.
All he could bring himself to write was, Thank you. I love you.
It was enough for now. But when James and Lily inevitably replied, he would write more. He refused to hide from them any longer.
When Poppy came back in, she was accompanied by Professor McGonagall, who just so happened to ‘pass by the Infirmary’. Remus rolled his eyes at them, knowing with absolute certainty that Poppy had sent her a patronus. He didn’t really mind; he would trust Minnie with his life.
He guessed that Poppy had requested McGonagall’s presence to give advice or something, but was pleasantly surprised when she told Remus she could send his letter off on her way out.
But still, he protested. “I can do it myself, Professor.”
Poppy shot him a secret smile, “You do seem surprisingly alright.”
Remus laughed at her blatantly obvious poke at James spending the Moon with him, but frowned through that same laugh when she continued. “But you need to let your body recover which means I will not allow you to climb all the way to the Owlery today.”
“Fine,” he huffed petulantly, even though he didn’t even want to climb all the way to the top of the castle.
“My, my, Mr Lupin,” Professor McGonagall said. “Who in Morgana’s name bought the entire Honeydukes supply?”
He looked down at the package on the end of the bed – no longer shrunken – tipped over and bursting at the seams. A happy smile broke out over Remus’ face. 48 chocolate frogs, like every morning after the Full.
“The loveliest person in the world,” he replied pleasantly. “48 frogs after each Moon for the last 12 years.”
A knowing grin widened on McGonagall’s face. “Ah. That Mr Potter always was one for big gestures,” she said easily, and then hesitated. “Can I be quite direct with you, Mr Lupin?”
He sighed, dread filling his stomach for some reason. “Yeah, go on then.”
“I’ve noticed that Harry Potter doesn’t seem to be too familiar with you...” It wasn’t a question, but he knew what she was asking.
“I-” A sigh. “He doesn’t know who I am. I haven’t so much as said a single word to the Potters in 12 years...” he trailed off, stomach tightening. “He mentioned something about his Uncle Moony a few weeks back, and I– I’m an awful person.”
While Madam Pomfrey made a sound of protest, Minerva McGonagall only shook her head with a displeased look on her face.
“No, Remus. You are a very admirable man who has been dealt some truly awful cards. But you have also experienced a lot of love and happiness. You have dealt your cards well, and if this letter is anything to go by–”
She ignored Remus’ muttered “barely a letter” and went on.
“–You are ready to once again accept the love you have always had at arm's reach. Harry Potter is lucky to have you, even as his professor, and I guarantee he won’t hold your silence against you. You’re his uncle, and that will mean everything to him.”
Remus nodded, accepting her words and giving her a small smile. “He’ll know me as his Uncle Moony soon. I promise.”
“I’m glad,” Minnie replied, patting Remus gently on the shoulder. “I shall be off now to owl this to James and Lily for you. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need anything.”
And with that, she left the Infirmary, robes swinging behind her.
True to her word, McGonagall must have sent out the note as soon as she left, because James and Lily replied within the hour.
Remus!!!
We love you more! You don’t know how good it is to hear from you.
I’m sorry if I crossed the line by being with you last night. I hope you’re not too mad. I just missed you, and when Harry told us about Remus Lupin – his favourite professor who listens to Bowie – I just couldn’t deal with knowing you were so close and not seeing you. I know I should’ve asked – or even warned you, but I was too frantic to even consider it as a possibility.
I hope you’re recovering well; I made sure you didn’t have any nasty injuries before I left but I know it can still feel rough. I love you so much, mate. I’m going to pass you to Lily now.
Hi, sweetheart!
I’ll keep this short because I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you, but I just wanted to say that I love you and Harry loves you and I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now, paired with a cup of tea and maybe even a nice cottage pie – yes, I remember that it’s your favourite. Is it still?
I’ll leave you be now; I just need to stress how happy I am to hear from you. I will never stop loving you, Lupin.
All our love,
Prongs and Lils. Xx
If Remus cried again, that was nobody's business.
When he wrote back, he confirmed that cottage pie was still his favourite and no, he wasn’t at all mad with James. Just happy that he was there. Remus practically begged them to tell Harry that he loves him and he promised to visit as soon as he could.
He couldn’t just go and tell Harry himself, but he needed him to know. Needed him to know that his uncle loved him unconditionally.
And that was enough for now.
***
Remus was glad it was a Sunday. The halls were quiet after he was permitted to leave the Hospital Wing on strict orders to get some proper rest and the few students wandering about were too preoccupied in their weekend plans to notice Remus, so his even more pronounced limp was going unnoticed.
He’d taken a potion to decrease the pain which helped spectacularly with his aching bones, but no amount of potion ever seemed to dull the ache in his hip.
Just when Remus made to round the corner, a small form crashed into him, causing him to wobble slightly.
An arm reached out and clutched his cardigan, pulling him upright and muttering apology after apology.
When Remus caught sight of the body in front of him, a true smile washed away the pained grimace on his face. Goodness it was good to see Harry.
“Hello, Harry,” Remus said cheerfully.
“Hi, sir,” Harry replied, wincing as he realised he still had a white-knuckled grip on Remus’ jumper. “I’m sorry for running into you. I was distracted.”
Remus chuckled and Harry's grin was back in place. “Nothing to worry about. Have you had a good weekend so far?”
Harry perked up at that, becoming slightly giddy as he answered. “I’ve had a great weekend! Thank you for asking, Professor. What about you? Had anything exciting on?”
“I’m glad to hear that,” he said politely. “I got in contact with an old friend, so I’m feeling quite fantastic right now,” Remus was laughing – slightly in disbelief that he could finally say those words, but also because he was so fucking happy right now, especially in the presence of Harry. How could he not laugh?
Harry smirked – an expression that made him look like the spitting image of James, so much so that Remus had to hold back an exclamation of “holy fucking shit” – and wiggled his eyebrows. “An old lover, perhaps?”
This time, Remus couldn’t hold back the bark of shocked laughter that ripped from his throat. The cheeky little shit.
He attempted to school his face into something that presented as anything other than amusement and fondness, but it was no use, really. Harry had already seen it and he sniggered quietly to himself.
“You’re definitely your father's child, I’ll tell you that much,” Remus muttered under his breath, but it became clear to Remus that it wasn’t quietly enough when he watched as Harry practically froze in front of him, face curling in confusion.
“What?”
Remus didn’t know what to say. How could he have possibly fucked this up already?
He stuttered his response, “Erm, what’s that now?”
It was a pathetic response and he could tell that Harry thought that as well, at least if his unimpressed look was anything to go by.
“You know my dad.”
It wasn’t a question.
“Yes,” he admitted.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry asked, his brows furrowed – but not in anger. He looked confused. Hurt, maybe. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Harry.
Remus took note of the stone bench a few feet down the corridor and nodded his head towards it. “Shall we have a seat?”
Instead of replying, Harry just walked over and took a seat. Remus followed suit and wrung his hands together before letting out a tense breath.
“First of all, I would just like to extend my apologies for not telling you, Harry,” he turned to Harry, who nodded. “Truthfully, I do not have a good enough reason to give you.”
They were silent for a moment before Harry asked, “Do you and my dad not get along? Did you not want me to know that you don’t like him?”
And that? That just would not do.
“No, of course not!” Remus rushed through his answer like this was his dying moment. “We got along great. I haven’t seen him in a long time. We went to school together.”
“Oh,” Harry’s mood lifted a bit. “You must have known Mum too, then?”
“Lovely Lily,” Remus smiled. Harry matched his smile, both of them warm at the mention of Lily Evans-Potter. “Yes. I was quite fond of your mother,” Harry’s eyes widened and when Remus understood why, so did his. “No! Not like that, Merlin; James would have killed me. He didn’t like it when anyone took an interest in her. He got all sad and deflated, kind of like a puppy. It was adorable. You should have seen him the day Lily agreed to go out with him. Everyone in the castle was happy for him.”
“I believe you. He is obsessed with her. Sometimes I think it’s disgusting, but then I see how happy they both are together and that makes me think it’s kind of beautiful,” Harry shrugged happily.
“Love like theirs is one of a kind,” Remus stated simply. “Lily is like the earth, and James is like gravity. Inevitable, those two.”
Harry smiled softly up at Remus and his heart stuttered in his chest.
“If you like them, why didn’t you want me to know?”
“I was... struggling,” Remus started, ready to open himself bare to make Harry feel better. “After the war. I guess I just didn’t want anyone to know I was at Hogwarts, because it seemed too hard. I was prepared to see some familiar faces; Madam Pomfrey, McGonagall, Snape, Dumbledore – but I wasn’t prepared for much else. Imagine my shock when I see you,” Remus laughed self-deprecatingly.
“What do you mean?”
“You look just like your father. Did you know that?”
Harry laughed, “Yeah, I’ve only been told every day since first year.”
“I can imagine,” Remus grinned. “When I woke up that day on the train, I thought I was dreaming. I was certain you were James. I was quite startled, if I’m honest. But then I saw the Dementor, and I knew it was you.”
Harry cleared his throat. “Ron and Hermione said that they thought you said my name. I assumed you recognised the scar.”
“No,” Remus said. “I didn’t even notice the scar until days later.”
“Is that why you looked so shocked when I woke up, then?”
Remus laughed, shaking his head. “You opened your eyes, and all I could see was Lily. You may look strikingly like James, but you have Lily’s eyes.”
“I do, yeah,” Harry said quietly.
“Are you angry with me, Harry? I will understand if you are. I was dishonest with you and I shouldn’t have been. I sincerely apologise,” Remus said with genuine regret.
Harry met his eyes, but he looked determined rather than angry. “I’m not angry with you, Professor. I understand that the war had a lasting impact on a lot of people. I’m pretty sure that is why my uncle isn’t around, and I’ve never been angry at him for it. I don’t get it, but I understand why. So, no. I’m not angry. I think coming back here was a very brave thing to do.”
“That’s very kind, Harry, thank you,” he said warmly.
“Can I ask you something else?” Harry asked, his foot tapping impatiently on the stone floor.
Oh, fuck, he’s figured it out. He knows that I’m Moony, Remus thought, panicked.
“Anything.”
“Why did you stop me from facing that Boggart?”
Oh. Never mind. Jesus Christ.
“Oh,” he said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I assumed that it would take the shape of Lord Voldemort. I didn’t think about it until you were right at the front of the line, and I panicked.”
“I did think about Voldemort at first,” Harry replied, seeming relieved at Remus’ answer. “But then I remembered what happened on the train, and...” he trailed off, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.
“Is this something that you think about often?” Harry nodded and Remus’ heart squeezed painfully.
“I’m scared, Professor,” he admitted quietly. “I just keep thinking it will happen again. Like, what if I want to go to Hogsmeade with my friends and get attacked on the way there? Why did it attack me in the first place? Will it happen again? I just don’t know what to do.”
“Dementors feed off of fear, which I assume you already know?” Harry nodded in agreement, so he went on. “I suspect that what you fear the most, is fear itself. That is very wise, Harry. You have had true horrors in your past, horrors that your classmates have not had the misfortune of experiencing. I imagine that this is what drew the Dementor to you specifically.”
“So, if I placed all the blame on Voldemort, that wouldn’t exactly be inaccurate?” Harry asked cheekily, though he looked displeased.
“It wouldn’t be inaccurate, no. Voldemort is responsible for this, and I do apologise that you have had to deal with this for so long.”
“It’s not your fault,” Harry said – but Remus believed it was. He didn’t see the signs that Sirius was working for Voldemort. Still to this day, he couldn’t pick a single memory that made Sirius look suspicious or guilty. For years, he’d wondered if Sirius was just a fantastic liar, or if there was something else... Something he didn’t know. Remus was jolted out of the twisted wires of his mind when Harry blurted, “You call him Voldemort.”
“Yes.”
“No one else does. Just me – and Dumbledore – but you aren’t afraid either?”
“It’s just a name,” Remus shrugged. “He may be dead, but I will not give him the satisfaction of thinking I am too afraid to say a mere word.”
“I admire that. Really, I do,” said Harry. Remus smiled at him, but it dropped in confusion when Harry said, “Did you know that his real name is Tom Riddle?”
That name... Where had he heard that name before?
It was nearing curfew and Remus was on his prefect duties in the library. There were only a few people left at this time of night, studying for their upcoming exams.
Regulus was the only person alone, focussing hard on the book in front of him – Remus could see that the book was clearly from the restricted section, and it didn’t look like a simple charms book.
He approached Regulus carefully, clearing his throat when he arrived at the table. Regulus looked unimpressed at the interruption, but slammed the book closed and shoved it in his school bag before Remus could catch a glimpse of the title.
“What do you want, Lupin?” he snarled, but the dark circles under his eyes softened the blow. He looked tired, the bone deep exhausted kind of tired that sleep wouldn’t solve, and Remus felt a pang of sadness for the youngest Black brother.
“It’ll be curfew in a few minutes. Just thought I’d let you know,” Remus replied amicably.
Regulus snorted, “Is this a detention? You’re playing library monitor for the week?”
Remus almost laughed at that, instead shaking his head and offering a grin. “Prefect duty, Regulus. Haven’t you had this exact same assignment?”
“I have,” he said, standing and running a hand over his robes to straighten them. “Though I’m mostly assigned to the halls with one of the fifth year Ravenclaws. Quite the bore.”
Remus was surprised that Regulus was actually acknowledging him, let alone speaking to him, but he didn’t want to scare him off, so he laughed quietly.
“Quite,” he muttered. “So, what have you been working on?”
That made Regulus tense up and a furrow formed between his eyebrows, piercing Remus with a look that looked something similar to suspicion. “Nothing important.”
“Fair enough,” Remus shrugged. “I should let you go. You don’t want to be caught out after curfew. You’ve got less than five minutes to be back.”
“Right,” Regulus agreed, pulling his bag onto his shoulder. He began walking away, but stopped suddenly and turned to face Remus once more. “Lupin?”
“Yeah?”
“You read a lot, right?” he asked.
Confused, Remus nodded his head. “Yes, I do. Why do you ask?”
“Have you ever heard the name Tom Riddle?”
“No?” Remus said, but it came out as more of a question. Regulus’ face fell slightly with disappointment, but in a split second, he schooled his face into the same uninterested mask he had mastered. “Why? Who is he?”
“Oh, no one. Just someone I am going to destroy. Or I’ll die trying, at least.”
And Remus didn’t even get to question him, because Regulus disappeared, leaving behind a slightly concerned Remus and a ruffle of his robes.
Oh.
“No, I didn’t know that,” he said, his mind far away. Because Regulus Black knew that, and he said he was going to destroy him or die trying.
All this time, they thought Regulus was on Voldemort’s side – on his family's side – but that wasn’t true at all. No, Regulus died attempting to defeat Voldemort, or that’s what Remus assumed anyway, but Regulus always was stubborn. Remus had no doubt that that’s exactly what he did. But how?
“Strange, isn’t it? That someone so evil could have such a simple name. It makes him seem less... I don’t know. Just less.”
“Yes, I know what you mean. It puts a lot into perspective, doesn’t it?” Remus answered, his mind coming back to focus on Harry and finally noticing the grip he had on a piece of parchment. “What’s that?”
Harry looked down and when he noticed how crumpled the letter had become in his tight grip, he muttered a quiet “shit” (which Remus decided to pretend he didn’t hear because he had to admit – it was pretty fucking hilarious hearing him swear) and tried to smoothen it out with his hands.
Without a second thought, Remus pulled his wand from the pocket of his tattered robe and let the warmth of his magic flow through him as he wordlessly straightened out the parchment, making it wrinkle free; pristine.
Harry gasped at the display of effortless wordless magic. “Woah, cool. Thank you, sir.”
“You’re very welcome,” Remus said earnestly.
“It’s a letter from my parents,” Harry explained. “It’s about Uncle Moony. He sent a letter to my parents – something he hasn’t done in a long time – and they’re so happy about it. That makes me happy, too. I’ve been carrying it with me since breakfast because I keep thinking that this means I’ll get to meet him soon. It feels big; important. Is that silly? That I’m so excited about some ink on a piece of scrappy old parchment?”
Remus couldn’t stop the elated smile from spreading across his face if he tried. “No, Harry. I don’t think that’s silly at all.”
“I love him, you know? Moony? I don’t remember him, but I love him anyway. So much that sometimes it feels like I’ll explode with it.”
Remus’ heart almost stopped. Harry loved him. Harry was actively telling Remus how much he loved Moony, not knowing that Remus and Moony were the same person. He could honestly cry, again.
“You love him? Despite him not being around?” Remus winced at his words, realising too late just how judgemental they sounded, but he needed to understand how Harry could love him, even through his extended absence.
“Of course I do,” Harry said, not noticing the judgement in Remus’ question. “He makes my mum and dad happy. They love him, and I know that he loves them too. Even though he isn’t here, I can feel his love. You know, he’s never forgotten to send me a birthday present? And it’s not even like I need, or even expect the gifts. But he sends them anyway. That’s why I’m certain that he loves me. He doesn’t have to be present to extend his love.”
“Oh,” Remus whispered, suddenly on the edge of a mental breakdown. Because Harry knows. All he’s ever wished for was for Harry to feel his love. And he does. Remus has never felt quite so heart warmed. “You’re right, Harry. I know with upmost certainty that he loves you. I would bet my life on it.”
“I hope that we’re right about this, Professor.”
“We are. I’m sure you’ll see him soon. Sooner than you think.”
“What makes you so sure?” Harry questioned with an easy grin.
Probably the fact that I’ve already decided when I’m coming to see you lot is what he thought, but didn’t say aloud. A sly grin grew on his face and he said with finality, “Just a feeling.”
Harry scuffed his feet on the floor as he considered that, and when his eyes met Remus’ once more, they were filled with vulnerability.
“Do you think he’ll like me? I know he loves me, but as a person, what if he doesn’t like me?”
Remus softened, his sly grin growing into more of a comforting smile. “He’s your uncle. Of course he will.”
“But-”
“You’re a great person, Harry,” Remus said firmly. “He’ll know it the second he sees you. I promise.”
Harry scanned Remus’ face with a suspicious look, eyes narrowed and sharp. When he found Remus’ eyes again, he must have found what he was looking for because with a strange look, he said, “I don’t know why, but I believe you.”
Remus laughed, loud and delighted. “I’m glad.”
Harry smiled too, laughter falling out of him as if he couldn’t contain it. When he caught his breath, he told Remus he better not keep Ron and Hermione waiting any longer – they were apparently playing Gobstones in the courtyard.
As he stood to leave, Harry turned to him once more and asked, “So... was it an old lover, or?”
Remus laughed, and laughed, and fucking laughed at the cheek on this boy. This brilliant, wonderful boy that he had the privilege of calling his nephew. His heart expanded in that moment, chest heaving with laughter as he shouted, “No! Not a bloody lover, Harry. God.”
Remus could hear Harry’s cackles echo through the halls as he jogged away to meet his friends.
The smile didn’t leave Remus’ face for the rest of the day.