In Memory.
“Your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone.
These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real.
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.”
September 1st, 1993. - Remus' POV.
Exhaustion wore heavily on Remus when he boarded the train, and once he had stored his suitcase in the compartment above his seat, he fell victim to the pull of sleep that had been drawing him in since he woke up. No amount of sleep ever felt enough before the moon. He would go to bed tired, wake up tired, and spend his days tired. A never-ending cycle, really.
The sound of the drizzling rain against the window lulled him into a deep sleep, dreams drifting to the letter that he had received from James a few days prior.
Moons!
Better make this quick because I'm supposed to be in the shower right now. I know it's not the usual day I get in touch, but I've just left Harry's bedroom and absolutely have to tell you what went on tonight. It was chaos, utter fucking chaos!
We invited Lily's sister Petunia and her family over for dinner and they brought Marge, Vernon's sister, who you would absolutely loathe. I swear, Remus, she's like that Muggle Devil that you used to talk about. I mean, I think she is the Devil! She was talking badly about Harry. Harry! What the fuck?! According to her, Harry has terrible behaviour, which is fucking bullshit because he barely even spoke all night. Like, come on. He was clearly uncomfortable around her - full fault of her own, and she had the nerve to say that about him. She wasn't even invited!
Remus had never met the Dursley's, but from what Lily told him, they were horrible. Petunia wasn't all bad, in fact, her and Lily were very close before Lily got her Hogwarts letter. Lily thought her sister didn't love her anymore and it ate away at her for years, but once they got older; she realised that Petunia simply envied her.
It gets even better than that, though. She called me a drunk, right in front of Harry. A drunk, Moony! When he told me that, I nearly suffocated with laughter. That's my favourite insult to date.
Remus laughed out loud when he read that. Of fucking course James Potter would be delighted to be called an alcoholic.
Anyway, a nerve was struck and Harry let out a bit of accidental magic. It was brilliant. I didn't actually see it happen, but he shattered her glass (and thank Merlin for that, it was her seventh of the hour and she was becoming extra obnoxious).
I'm sorry to ramble, but there really is more. I was eavesdropping at this point, and what I heard next nearly sent me into a fit of rage. She called Lily a bitch! I swear, Remus, I almost killed her. Who the fuck does she think she is, insulting my son and my wife?!
I was ready to storm in there and demand an apology, but Harry got there first. He didn't demand an apology, though. No, he went ballistic. I've never seen that kid so angry before, and I was there to witness his favourite toy dinosaur lose an arm...
He screamed for her to shut up and then he lost complete control of his magic. It was amazing. She literally started to inflate. She ended up floating up against the ceiling like a balloon! I could barely contain my laughter.
When Remus had first read the letter - he had been reading it over and over and over again since it had arrived - he spat out his coffee, film style. It even came out of his nose. He was doubled over, gasping for air and red in the face from his unrestrained laughter.
After I had kicked them out - yeah, I did that. Go me! - I followed Harry up to his room and I told him that you would be very proud of him. I hope that's okay. All I was thinking in that moment was that you would have been standing there with that signature Remus Lupin smirk of yours, and I needed him to know.
Anyway, I've been babbling on for longer that I thought I'd be. I hope you're doing well, Moony. I miss you just as much as I did 10 years ago.
All my love,
James x
It saddened Remus to see 'I hope that's okay' written in James' messy scrawl. He never wanted James or Lily to feel like they couldn't say things like that to Harry. Merlin, Remus is proud of him. He's been proud of Harry since the day he was fucking born. He loves that kid and he is so fucking excited that he'll be able to see him this year. Maybe Harry won't know him as anything other than Professor Lupin, but at least he'll have the privilege of knowing Harry, in any capacity he offers. Even if Remus ends up being his least favourite professor, just having the honour of having a title will cool the sting.
Remus was awoken momentarily when the train rattled on a sharp turn, but his ears were fuzzy with sleep and his eyes were glued shut, so when the name Sirius Black was murmured, he barely even noticed.
Sleep took him once more, but this time; he dreamt of long, black curls; alabaster skin and piercing, grey eyes.
Hogwarts was nothing like Remus expected. He knew it would be grand, and obviously he knew it would be magical, but sitting there in the Great Hall for his first ever welcome feast, he felt truly alive. He never thought that he would be there at all, what with his father’s voice in the back of his head telling Remus that a beast like him would never be allowed to step foot in Hogwarts.
A boy about Remus’ height with limbs too long and thin-rimmed specs falling down his nose tripped into the seat beside Remus at the Gryffindor table, a light red flush coating his dark-skinned cheeks. He looked at Remus, a lopsided grin on his face.
“Sorry,” he straightened his glasses and held his hand out for a shake, “I’m James, what’s your name?”
“Remus,” he murmured, not expecting to have to socialise so soon. He shook James’ hand awkwardly.
“Remus,” James repeated like he was tasting the way his name felt in his mouth. “Weird. I like it. Excited for dinner, then? I heard the food just appears!”
Before Remus could answer, a small but elegant looking boy flopped down onto the seat across from them, a wide smile on his face, showcasing two rows of pristine teeth. There seemed to be two older Slytherin girls watching him, one glaring daggers and the other shooting nervous glances. He either didn’t notice, or didn’t care, instead choosing to address James.
“Hey, Potter. Both Gryffindors, I knew it!”
James groaned, glasses falling down his nose again. “Ugh, I already told you on the train, if you keep calling me ‘Potter’, I’m going to have to keep calling you ‘Black’. Can we please just be James and Sirius?”
The boy across from them, Sirius, Remus noted, smiled goofily at James. “Thank Merlin we’ve gotten that out of the way. Please never call me Black. Like, ever.”
Sirius’ eyes then shifted to Remus, gaze roaming up and down his face before finally meeting his eye. Remus noticed that his posture was impeccable and wondered if his back was sore. “I’m Sirius Black, like the star. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
His voice was posh and proper, matching his appearance perfectly.
“Uhh, Remus Lupin. Nice to meet you, too,” Remus stammered, uncharacteristically intimidated by the attention he was receiving.
“Did you know that your name is basically Wolfy Wolf?” Sirius asked, a friendly but teasing tone.
Remus rolled his eyes good naturedly, amused and slightly intrigued that the prim and proper boy across from him knew that instantly. “Yes, I know. Ironic, isn’t it?”
As Sirius replied, “Ironic how?”, James exclaimed, “Pete! I told you you’d be a Gryffindor! I can’t believe you thought you’d be a Hufflepuff!”
Remus and Sirius’ attention shifted to the mousy looking boy who stood timidly beside James. He avoided eye contact with all of them, staring down at his shoes like they were the most interesting things in the room. He whispered something to James, who exploded with delighted laughter.
“Of course you can sit here, Peter, I wouldn’t accept it if you went anywhere else! Go sit beside Sirius, that way we can be in a proper little group.”
Pete flushed a brilliant red and glanced up at Sirius who gave him a friendly smile. “Come on, mate. The feast will be beginning soon.”
“Okay,” Peter said with a shy smile.
When Peter sat down, James said, “This is Remus Lupin and Sirius Black,” he pointed to them as he said their names, and then addressed the others. “Sirius, Remus, this is Peter Pettigrew. He lives a few streets over from me.”
“Hi Peter,” Remus greeted kindly, hoping to wrangle a smile from the boy so full of nervous energy. “Were you hoping to be put in Gryffindor?”
Peter perked up at the question, smiling at Remus when he replied, “I wanted to be, yeah. Didn’t think I would be though; I was worried that it would put me in Hufflepuff and James and I would be separated.”
“Why did you think you’d be separated?” Remus asked, not quite sure how the whole houses thing worked.
“Well James is an obvious Gryffindor, isn’t he?”
Remus felt his ears heat in embarrassment from his lack of knowledge. “Oh, uh, I don’t really know. I don’t know how it works...”
Sirius gave him an encouraging look and said, “That’s alright, Remus. We can help you out with whatever you want to know, right boys?” he looked to James and Peter who were nodding their heads in agreement, and for the first time in his life, Remus felt like he belonged.
Suddenly, the dream changed. It jumped abruptly from meeting the Marauders for the first time, to a memory from Second Year that Remus used to hold so dear to his heart.
He frowned at himself in the mirror, the violent gashes that covered his body being prodded and judged. The dorm was empty, the others off in the library studying, or in James’ case, gazing lovingly at Lily Evans.
Remus was never shirtless in front of his dormmates. He wouldn’t risk them seeing the large bite mark on his hip. He didn’t fancy them seeing all of his other scars, but they littered his arms, legs and face already so they must have known he had more under the safety of his t-shirt. Still, he didn’t want them to see.
It was embarrassing to be covered in marks that he couldn’t explain to his best friends. Sometimes he wished he could just tell them, but he couldn’t bear the thought of them thinking that he was a monster. He couldn’t ruin his one chance to have an education. So, he kept quiet, silently hating himself – appearance and otherwise.
Just as he was putting his shirt on, the door burst open and there was a sweaty, red-faced Sirius who had clearly ran all the way from the library. Remus turned around in a panic, doing up the buttons of his shirt, but going off of Sirius’ expression? It was too late. He saw enough.
“Remus?” Sirius whispered, and Remus’ face burned with shame. He ignored him, throat tightening. He willed himself to calm down, told himself it was fine, Sirius didn’t know anything. “I’m sorry. I forgot my History of Magic textbook, I should have knocked, I...”
Voice tense and back still turned, Remus said, “It’s your room, too, Sirius. You don’t need to knock.”
“Can you turn around, Remus?”
“No.”
Sirius sighed and walked over to him. Remus could feel his warmth against his back, but they weren’t touching. No, that was just Sirius. Always radiating warmth and loveliness.
“Please? I think there’s something I should say.”
He turned his head towards Sirius, still not meeting his eye. He let out a breath and sat on his bed, Sirius following suit. “I know, Remus.”
Remus’ gut tightened and barely any sound came out when he wheezed, “Know what?”
“Look at me. Please look at me.”
Finally, Remus met his gaze. He didn’t expect to see understanding in Sirius’ eyes; pity and disgust, yes. But not understanding. Whatever Sirius knew, it couldn’t be what Remus thought. The knot in his stomach loosened, but quickly tightened back up when Sirius said, “I know that you’re a werewolf, Remus.”
He could’ve laughed in Sirius’ face and played it off as a joke, he should’ve done that, but instead he let the panic overtake logic and stood up, pacing back and forth.
“I-I’m sorry, I’ll go. Just let me get my things, please. Then I’ll go straight to Dumbledore and tell him I’m leaving. I’m sorry. Shit, I’m so sorry, Sirius.”
“Remus-”
“I know I’m a terrible person for letting you share a room with me, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that, you’re so good. Oh Merlin, James and Pete, they had to share with me too. I put you all in an awful situation because I was selfish enough to just take, take, take-”
“Remus.”
“My father was right; I am a monster. I-”
“Remus!” Sirius exclaimed, finally silencing Remus’ relentless frantic ranting, hands cupped around his face. “What are you doing? Sit down. You’re not going anywhere, you absolute wanker.”
He stared down at Sirius dumbly, eyes red-rimmed and in danger of spilling hot tears down his cheeks. “What?”
Sirius just smiled that lovely Sirius Black smile of his and shook his head. “You really think I’m going to let you leave me? No way. We’re Marauders, we stick together. Now come and sit your arse down so we can talk.”
He steered Remus back to his bed and pushed him lightly down onto the mattress. They sat in silence for a second before Remus cleared his throat awkwardly, “You...” he looked down at his hands, “don’t think I’m a freak?”
Sirius barked a laugh, “We’re all freaks, Remus.”
“No, don’t do that. Don’t act like we’re the same. You’re normal, Peter and James are normal. It’s not the same. You don’t look like I do, it’s just not the same.”
He frowned at Remus, shaking his head in disapproval. “What?” Sirius asked, “You think you’re special?”
Remus’ head shot up so quickly, anger etched into his expression. “What?!”
Sirius shrugged, nonchalant in the way he leaned back on his arms. “You think you’re the only one with scars, Remus? Surprise! You’re not. If your scars make you a special kind of freak, let me join the club.”
“For Merlin’s sake, Sirius! This isn’t about scars we acquired as children! You don’t need to pity me, alright?!” he yelled so loud that he wouldn’t be surprised if everyone down in the Common Room could hear him.
Sirius laughed like a maniac, throwing his head into his hands before standing up and leaning over Remus. “Oh, so scars gained in childhood don’t count? No?” he prompted, and when he got no answer, he ripped his shirt off and turned around, showing Remus the angry red scars that covered the entirety of his back. He gave Remus a moment to take it in before spinning back around, levelling him with a dangerous look. “What? What’s that look for, Remus? Is that pity I see?”
Remus didn’t know what to say other than a whisper of his name, but Sirius shook his head, all traces of anger falling from his face. “You listen to me and you listen good, Remus Lupin,” his finger was pointed right in Remus’ face, and he had to swallow back a gulp at the look Sirius was giving him. “If you’re a freak, I’m a freak. Werewolf or not, we’re in this together.”
When Remus stammered over his response, Sirius grabbed hold of his shoulders and looked him deep in his eyes, “Do you understand me, Remus?”
Eyes fluttering shut, Remus replied through a sigh, “Yes, Sirius. I understand. I’m sor-”
“Nope,” Sirius pressed his pointer finger to Remus’ cracked lips, “We’re not doing that. You’re not going to apologise. You know why?”
“Why?” Remus said breathily.
“Because we don’t apologise for things that we cannot control. Our scars, Remus? We didn’t ask for them, we didn’t deserve them, so we will not be apologising for the way we feel about them.”
The finality in Sirius’ tone calmed Remus down enough to nod his head in reply.
Sirius’ head fell gently against his own and he whispered, “We are beautiful the way we are. You are beautiful. Your scars only add to your beauty.”
That memory faded into a new dream, but Remus grasped for it, desperate to go back to it, wanting to replay it over and over in his head.
When he was younger, he always wondered how Sirius got to be so mature. He realised later on in life that it was because he was forced to grow up. Forced to be a protector. He was always good at the tough love thing.
Next was a memory from Fifth Year. Just him and Sirius in their dorm room again.
“Moony?” Sirius said from inside the bathroom while Remus was sprawled on the floor between their beds, listening to The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars with his eyes shut. He hummed in acknowledgement and resumed whispering the lyrics to Lady Stardust. “Do you think I should cut my hair?”
Remus shot up, eyes widening as Sirius stepped into the room with his lip between his teeth, a nervous habit that endeared Remus to no end.
“Why would you cut your hair? You love it long.”
Sirius shuffled over and sat with Remus, playing with the rings on his long fingers. He hesitated before answering, flashing a pretty smile that displayed his dimples. It was fake. “It’s a bit girly, isn’t it?”
Outraged, Remus exclaimed, “So? It’s gorgeous!”
“Thanks, Moons,” he said as his cheeks started to glow a lovely shade of red.
“Who told you that?”
“It’s not important, it’s not like I care or anything,” Remus levelled him with a look and Sirius crumbled. “Okay fine, it was Mulciber.”
“I know damn well you’re not letting Mulciber get in your head, Pads. What does he know? He’s a git.”
“I know, I know. It just made me wonder who else thinks the same,” his eyes were vulnerable and Remus ached for him.
Remus reached out and stroked a loose curl behind his ear, hand lingering on Sirius’ face, thumb stroking gently over the line of his jaw. “Who cares? I love your hair. James and Mary love your hair, not to mention all of our other friends. But most importantly, you love your hair. Nothing else matters, yeah?”
Sirius’ face softened and he looked into Remus’ eyes. They didn’t speak, just breathing each other in with David Bowie playing in the background. All Remus could think about was his hand still hot on Sirius’ face and the feeling of Sirius’ warm breath brushing his cheek.
He watched as Sirius’ eyes began to flutter closed, his long, dark lashes fanning out over the apples of his cheeks, and that’s when Remus realised that his head was moving closer without him even meaning to.
When Remus dreamed of this moment – believe him, it was a frequent occurrence – he thought his mind would be racing, unable to turn off. But in reality, the only thing in his mind was a peaceful hum and the quiet thought of ‘finally’.
Remus closed his eyes and suddenly, they were only millimetres apart, foreheads resting together and breath mingling as one. Sirius’ breath hitched when he felt the ghost of Remus’ lips on his, a slight brush, not quite a kiss. Just when he leaned in to properly connect their lips, the door knob rattled and he and Sirius sprung apart, shock coursing through their bodies.
James and Peter busted through the door, not even sparing Remus and Sirius a second glance when they saw them on the floor between their beds. Sirius’ eyes were wide and his breath was coming up short. Abruptly, he stood up, scratching behind his ear, murmuring something about going for a shower. He didn’t give anyone chance to reply before he locked himself in their bathroom.
Remus was angry with James and Peter for spoiling their moment, ruining his chance at kissing the boy he’s been in love with for three years. He then stood too, glaring at the boys and saying sharply, “I’m meeting Lily,” and slammed the door on his way out.
Remus looked back on that memory fondly. It wasn’t James or Peters fault. How were they supposed to know? When he left the dorm, he went straight to Lily and pined pathetically.
The next dream felt cold and unfamiliar to Remus and he felt a sliver of fear crawl up his spine as he slept.
“Sirius... please. Just tell me what’s wrong,” Remus pleaded desperately. Sirius wouldn’t look at him, wouldn’t speak. He was packing a bag, refusing to tell Remus what he was doing or where he was going. He wouldn’t even tell him what he did wrong.
Remus’ pleading must have finally worn him down because Sirius turned around, fire in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Yes! What’s wrong? What did I do? I’m sorry, baby, please just tell me what I can do to fix it!”
Sirius physically recoiled at the term of endearment. “You’re what’s wrong, Remus!”
Sirius hadn’t called him ‘Remus’ in so long that it hurt to hear the name come from him.
“You’re too much and you’re not enough all at once. I’m fucking exhausted. I can't fucking do this anymore!”
Tears welled up in his eyes. I’m not enough for him anymore? Remus thought. “Why? What changed?” he whispered, tears spilling down his face.
“Nothing changed. I just woke up and realised I can’t keep pretending.”
“Pretending?”
“Pretending that I love you.”
Remus shook his head, his chest tightening and tears falling faster and faster. “No. No, I won’t accept that. This has come out of nowhere. We haven’t fallen out; I haven’t done anything wrong. I need you to tell me the truth.”
A sneer formed on Sirius’ face. Remus physically recoiled at the hateful look. Sirius had never looked at him with anything but love and Remus couldn’t handle it. “The truth?”
“That’s all I’m asking. Please. We can fix this; we can work through it.”
“The truth is that I don’t love you. I’ve never loved you and I never will. In fact, I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, Remus, and I can’t go on pretending like I don’t, alright? Do you accept that?”
“You don’t mean that,” Remus said from the floor. He fell to his knees the second Sirius said he didn’t love him. It felt like he was simply just dying. Like Sirius had just shoved his hand through Remus’ chest, gripped his heart and just squeezed. He had never felt pain quite like it.
Sirius barked a laugh. “Oh, but I do. I hate you, Remus. I fucking hate you. Your dad was right; you are just a monster.”
He woke with a jolt, bone-deep fear and sadness coursing through him. That wasn’t real. It had never happened. Sirius never told him he hated him. Never.
While Remus wondered why his mind supplied him so many nice, real memories only to end up shoving that heartbreaking fake one to the front of his mind, he didn’t realise the commotion around him. It was cold. So cold that he could see his breath puff into a cloud where it escaped from his mouth.
Then he looked up and felt like his life was flashing before his eyes.
There was a Dementor. But that couldn’t be right. They were on the Hogwarts Express. Why would there be a Dementor there? Remus thought that this must be another dream.
When he saw James, he knew he was right.
In that letter he sent to James all of those years ago, he had written, ‘I wish we could sit on the Hogwarts Express just one more time’, so it made sense that he would be dreaming about it, but what didn’t make sense was the Dementor.
There was a girl with big, frizzy hair shouting something that sounded far away and a red-headed boy who looked scarily similar to the Prewett twins who was cowering in the corner. That can’t be right.
Wait.
He looked back at James and...
Oh. Oh.
The Dementor had started to perform the kiss on James and Remus was terrified. But no. No, that’s not James.
Fuck. That’s Harry, Remus thought, this isn’t a dream, this is really happening and I have to save Harry right now. With his heart racing at a truly worrying speed, Remus stood up, ignoring the way his body broke out into goosebumps, and raised his wand.
Conjuring his happiest, most powerful memory – meeting the Marauders for the first time – he spoke clearly, “Expecto Patronum!”
Moony’s corporeal form burst from the tip of Remus’ wand in a shimmering, ethereal mist, leaping at the tall, cloaked figure. The Dementor recoiled and released its hold on Harry before vanishing.
Remus let out a relieved sigh, but when he turned to Harry, his heart almost stopped.
He’s not moving.
“Shit,” he muttered, frantic. He rushed to where Harry was now spread lifeless on the floor, ignoring the two students shaking his body and dropped to his knees. He pulled Harry into a sitting position and grabbed hold on his face, cupping a palm over his forehead. “Come on, Haz. Wake up, mate.”
If his panicked whispers surprised the other two kids, Remus didn’t notice. He could only focus on Harry, I need to save Harry, his mind kept supplying him. He cast a quick diagnostic spell that Poppy taught him so many years ago and sagged in relief when he found nothing wrong. He should wake up in just a few minutes.
He turned to the others, “He’ll be fine. He’s just knocked out.”
“Are you sure, Professor?” The girl asked. She didn’t even seem to notice the orange cat scratching away at her arm.
“I’m sure,” Remus assured, “I’m Professor Lupin.”
Catching the prompt, the girl replied, “Hermione Granger, sir. And this is-”
“Ron Weasley,” the boy said. Ah, Remus thought. Must be one of Molly and Arthurs kids. “What in Godric's name was that thing?”
“That,” Remus started, “was a Dementor.”
Hermione shrieked, disbelieving. “You don’t mean that was one of the guards from Azkaban?”
“Yes, that’s right. I shall wait for Harry to wake up to explain further, yes? Shouldn’t be long now.”
As if on cue, that was the moment Harry’s eyes began to flutter open. The second Remus caught a glimpse of those green eyes he knew so well, the sound of Hermione's voice calling Harry’s name became background noise around the memory that flooded his brain.
They were sitting in the library studying tirelessly for their upcoming N.E.W.T. exams, but Remus could tell that there was something bothering Lily. Usually, she would be lost in her own orbit while studying, ever the swot - but today, she wouldn’t stop glancing up to the entrance to the library, fidgeting with her rings and tugging at her hair. Remus couldn’t take it anymore.
“Lils,” he approached with caution. Her eyes shot up as if she was waiting for him to say something.
“Yes, Remus?” she asked, twisting her favourite ring around her right middle finger.
“Is there something you’d like to get off your chest?”
Lily groaned, her head falling into her hands. “Is it that obvious?”
Remus raised a brow, “Is what obvious?”
“Oh,” she said, “I guess not. Thank Merlin for that.”
“So, are you going to tell me or are you gonna keep biting chunks from your cheeks?”
Lily considered him for a second before giving in, putting her hands flat on the desk. “If I tell you, you have to keep it to yourself. That means no telling Sirius. I don’t care that he’s your boyfriend and you tell each other everything or whatever, but I swear, Remus. This stays between us. You got it?”
“Yes, Ma’am. Loud and clear. No secret sharing with the boyfriend, now spill.”
“Such a fucking gossip,” she rolled her eyes fondly, “Okay. So the thing is... Potter is head boy.”
Remus was confused. His eyebrows furrowed, completely lost. “This is... brand new information?”
She smacked him lightly on the arm, “Let me finish,” she took a breath and continued, “I’m head girl. So, Potter and I have been spending a lot more time together than usual, right?”
“Yes, that’s usually how it works,” Remus replied sarcastically.
Lily chose to ignore him. “He isn’t what I thought he was. I had this whole picture of him in my mind that has barely changed since First Year, but I guess I’ve gotten to know him for who he is and not who I thought he’s been for the last seven years?” she said it like a question, like she was unsure of what she was saying. Remus knew better though. Lily Evans only ever said what she really meant. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I like who I’ve gotten to know. James Potter isn’t as arrogant as how he presents himself.”
It took him a few moments, but Lily could see the second that realisation dawned upon him. Remus’ eyes widened at the same time Lily’s cheeks turned bright pink.
“No...” Remus said in disbelief. Lily’s head was back in her hands, shaking her head in what Remus could only assume was horror. “You’re not saying what I think you’re saying!”
Her head shot up, eyes narrowing. “Keep your fucking voice down, Lupin!”
“You like James?! As in, you have feelings for James?!” he whisper-yelled, feeling absolutely fucking delighted. He finally wore her down! He feels like he owes James a pat on the back for that one. “What happened to him being a complete and utter toe-rag?”
She barked a manic laugh, shaking her head. “Oh, he’ll always be a toe-rag. Some things never change.”
“So... what has changed?” Look, Remus never denied being a gossip.
“He’s just so, and his hair, and- and his glasses,” Remus couldn’t hold back his grin at her state. He had never seen Lily so flustered and you best believe that he would never be forgetting this moment. “He’s just so funny, and he’s genuine, and when he talks about the things he loves, he gets this glimmer in his eye and this gorgeous smile and I just- What the fuck do I do Remus?!”
“He’s going to fucking die when you tell him, Evans. He’ll think he’s in Heaven,” he said, smirking like he’s just discovered the best secret ever. Which he definitely has.
“Tell him?”
“Well, yeah?”
“Now why would I do that?” asked Lily, genuinely confused.
“Uh,” Remus started, “because that’s usually how it works? It’s not like he’s going to reject you.”
“Exactly, so I’ll just wait for him to serenade me or something. You and I both know it won’t be long now. I mean, it’s only been three days since the last time.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Remus chuckled, “I’ll give it two days max, and that’s me being generous.”
Remus was snapped out of his daze when he saw Harry’s lips moving. Shit, he thought, pay attention, Lupin!
Luckily, Hermione answered whatever question he asked. “You passed out, Harry,” Hermione said, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. It reminded him somewhat of Lily, who had that exact same nervous tic. Sirius, too.
“What?” Harry asked, and God if his voice didn’t sound just like James’ when he was that age, “How long was I out for?”
“I’d say about as long as that fake aunt of yours was blown up, going off of what you told us at least,” Ron snorted.
Hermione scolded him with a quick, “That’s not funny, Ron!” and Remus had to hold back a snort of his own. “I think Professor Lupin could better explain the situation, Harry. Isn’t that right, sir?”
Harry’s eyes darted to Remus and suddenly he felt nervous under the attention. He didn’t want to screw up his first interaction with Harry. “Uh,” he cleared his throat, “That’s correct. But first, why don’t you take this? It’ll make you feel much better.”
He handed Harry the chocolate frog that was in his pocket, courtesy of James Potter.
“Thank you, sir,” Harry said, taking the frog from him and unwrapping it instantly.
It unnerved Remus to have Harry call him ‘sir’, but he brushed it off and continued, “That was a Dementor, Harry. Do you know what that is?” Harry shook his head around a mouthful of chocolate and Remus struggled to hold back a smile. Then he realised he didn’t have to and let it happen. “They’re the guards of Azkaban Prison. I suspect that it was on board in search of Sirius Black.”
It hurt to say the name as if it meant nothing to him, because that was simply not true. After all of these years, after all of that pain and betrayal, Sirius Black would always mean something to him. Remus wished that he hated Sirius, it would make things so much easier on him, but he didn’t. He never had. Maybe Remus would always love Sirius. Maybe that kind of love would never cease, no matter how much you wish you could leave it all in the past.
Remus had come to terms with it and he knew that he would be okay living with the love he never lost for Sirius Black. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t processed how he felt about Sirius’ great escape yet, because he had come to terms with all of his feelings once before and he was just too fucking tired to do it again.
But even Remus had to admit, it was pretty fucking hilarious that Sirius of all people would be the first ever Azkaban escapee.
The Blacks always did have a tendency for dramatics.
“Why the bloody hell would they think Sirius Black is on the Hogwarts Express?” Ron asked around a mouthful of sandwich.
“Don’t be disrespectful, Ron.”
Ron just rolled his eyes at Hermione, and Remus decided he liked them already when he saw Harry’s exasperated but loving smile towards them. He felt a strong surge of emotions in that moment and had to remove himself immediately.
“If you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to have a quick word with the driver,” Remus stood, grabbing his coat and an extra chocolate frog from his luggage before moving to the door. He turned to Harry, smiling softly as he spoke, “Make sure you finish that frog, alright? It’ll make you feel loads better, really.”
Harry smiled at him. “Thank you, Professor.”
And with that, Remus shut the door and didn’t look back. He shoved himself into the nearest empty bathroom and locked the door, sinking to the floor with his head between his knees. He cried and cried and cried for all the time he missed out on.
Professor Lupin, not Uncle Moony. I guess I only have myself to blame for that.