Suffocating.
"So pack up your car, put a hand on your heart
Say whatever you feel, be wherever you are
We ain't angry at you, love
You're the greatest thing we've lost."
November 6th, 1981. - Remus’ POV.
It was the hardest thing he ever had to do, writing that letter. He sat in his deserted childhood home at the old dining room table, a glass of firewhisky in hand and a seemingly endless stream of tears running down his face.
There were many, many attempts before he deemed the letter good enough. Though, how can it be ‘good enough’ when its contents are nothing but sheer cowardice and selfishness?
With puffy eyes and a broken heart, he sent the last letter he would ever send to Lily and James Potter.
My dearest Lily and James,
There is so much I would like to say, so much I would like to do, but even after days of contemplating what exactly it is that I need to say and do, I still don’t know. This is harder than I thought it would be. Granted, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Not at all. I just didn’t expect it to be this hard.
What I’m going to tell you both is probably the most selfish thing I will ever do, and for that, I apologise more than I can even begin to explain. Right now, you are both so hurt. So, so hurt and I’m so sorry that I’m about to bring you even more pain. It’s only been six days since our lives were changed in the worst way possible, but I have given up.
It’s cowardly, weak, I know. But I feel like I’m dying. Like I’m already dead. I feel like I died that night and I don’t think I will ever be more than a ghost of myself for the rest of my life. I know I haven’t given myself enough time, but I don’t see there ever being enough time to fix whatever was broken within me. You guys have Harry. Even though he won’t be able to fix your broken hearts, I am certain that with time, he will be there to make you the happiest versions of yourselves. As much as I love that boy, you guys as well, it’s different for me.
I see him everywhere. I see him in you, James. I see him in the smile lines beside your eyes. I see him in the Gryffindor red of your favourite shoes. I see him in you too, Lily. In your freckles that resemble constellations. In your quick wit, the way that you roll your eyes when James makes an awful joke.
I can’t stand it. Not any of it. I mean, you saw me on his birthday. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I don’t want to face all of the reminders.
And that’s why I had to leave.
Lily. My beautiful, beautiful Lily. I’m so sorry that I can’t be there to analyse our favourite books together anymore. I’m so sorry that I can’t be there to pretend to help you with the Sunday roast. I’m so sorry for letting go of you. Please believe me when I say that I never wanted this. I still do not want this. This is just how it has to be. Who knows, maybe someday I will be okay again. If that happens – and you still want me around – I will be there without a second thought. You and James will forever be the most important people in my life and I will never forget the way I love you both. Not even an Obliviate could make me forget. Never. Knowing you has been an honour, Lily. You will get your spark back, and when you do? You’ll shine brighter than the sun. Because you are a force, Lily Evans-Potter. There’s no one like you, I love you. I love you so fucking much.
Prongs... I don’t even know where to start. I guess I just need to tell you how much I love you, and how much it fucking sucks to be writing this letter. You are my brother. You are my best friend. You are my whole fucking universe, James. You’ve done so fucking much for me and I’m sorry that I can’t repay you for that. All I want in life is for you to be as happy as you’ve made me over the last ten years. You are the most selfless, beautiful person I have ever met and I will never stop being grateful for having you in my life. I wish we had more time. I wish we could pull just one more prank. I wish we could sit on the Hogwarts Express just one more time. I wish we had just five more minutes, to listen to your shitty jokes or just to sit in silence – it doesn’t matter. Just being in your presence is a privilege. Shit, I even wish we could spend just one more moon together. James, I know that I have no right to ask anything of you, but if you somehow find it within yourself to listen to anything I have to say, it’s this: Please know that you haven’t done anything wrong. I know you have a tendency to feel like everything is your fault all the time, but James. This isn’t your fault. You have been nothing but perfect. Okay? There is so much more that I want to say to you, but I don’t want to drag this on more than I already have. I’m so sorry, Prongs. My best friend, my brother, my pack. I love you, and that will never change.
You two are the best people I know and now you’re raising the most brilliant child I know. I have no doubt that he will grow up to be just as amazing as his parents. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of Harry. I hope that with time, you will be able to forgive me. Maybe one day, I will be able to forgive myself, too.
I’ve said it so many times already, but no amount will ever feel like enough. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I love you more than anything.
I can’t tell you where I’ve gone. I can’t reply to any letters you may send. But I wish I could. I wish things were different. Maybe in another life, we weren’t destined for tragedy.
I love you. I’m sorry.
Forever Your Moony.
It might sound crazy, but Remus swore he could feel the moment the letter arrived at The Potters Cottage. The moment his best friends finished reading it. The moment James and Lily Potters hearts shattered for the second time that week.
Little did he know, their hearts would never be the same again. Not without Remus.
***
In the weeks following, Remus received a letter every single day. James and Lily didn’t know where he was, but their owl was always very intelligent. She didn’t need an address. All she needed was a name and she would know where to go.
At first, they were pleading. Begging him to come home, trying their best to convince him that they could work through it together, that even if they couldn’t, at least they’ll have each other. He almost considered it when on the ninth day, the only thing the parchment read was: Harry misses his Uncle Moony .
It evolved into understanding. They still asked him to come back. Every single day. But they knew it was pointless. Remus wasn’t coming back. Instead, they told Remus that they weren’t angry with him.
We understand, Remus. This is something that you have to do for yourself, we know. It’s just that we miss you. We miss you so much, Rem. We love you too, you know. We hold no anger towards you, none at all. We just wish that it could be different.
Remus never used to cry all that much. It feels like all he does now is cry, though. It’s exhausting.
Lily and James stopped asking him to come back after the first week, but three weeks in – the day before the first moon since it all happened – James began his pleading once more.
Please let me be with you during the full, Remus. Moony needs Prongs. Prongs needs Moony. I won’t try to get you to come back, not as Remus, but I will go wherever you need me to. I will come to you. It kills me to know that you will be alone, hurting yourself. Please, Remus. Consider it. I’ll understand if you don’t reply, of course I will, but I’ll be waiting. If not now, anytime. I mean it. Anytime you need me, even in ten years from now, write me and I will drop everything to be there with you. I love you. I miss you. Please let me help you.
Of course, Remus never replied. Oh, how he wanted to. Longed to, even. Instead of replying, he almost drowned himself in alcohol. It didn’t do much to numb the pain.
That was the first moon that Moony had spent alone since Remus’ third year in Hogwarts. He went to the Shack. Maybe some part of him went there because he hoped James would somehow know and be there. But no. He was all alone.
He only had himself to blame. After all, isn’t this exactly what he asked for?
He woke up with violent gashes, broken bones and a heavy ache in his chest that had nothing to do with the self-induced injuries from the night before. When he got home, there was an owl waiting for him. No letter, just a scrap of parchment paper and a small box.
Remus soon found that the box had a flawless undetectable extension charm cast upon it, no doubt Lily’s work. Inside he found forty-eight chocolate frogs. The parchment read: You might think that 48 is quite the excessive amount, but if Prongs can’t be there for Moony, at least I can make sure that you’ll never run out of your favourite chocolate. We miss you, our Moony.
Remus cracked a smile at that. His first smile in a whole month. When he realised, he felt an unbearable amount of guilt. Guilt for smiling when he didn’t deserve to. He spent the rest of the day curled up in bed, staring distantly at the ceiling of his childhood bedroom.
Before every single moon in the following twelve years, James never forgets to ask Remus if he can accompany him. Remus never responds.
After every single moon in the following twelve years, James never forgets to send Remus forty-eight chocolate frogs and a cheeky letter.
Smiling became easier over time. It was still rare, but never did he fail to smile when James and Lily got in contact with him. A letter from Lily on the 10th of every month, a letter from James on the 20th of every month, as well as the letters James would send before and after the Moons.
The scheduled letters were mostly just Lily and James catching Remus up on their lives. The hard days, the easier days. When Harry said his first word ( Quidditch – Remus full on belly laughed at that. Definitely James’ kid).
Dear Remus,
Hi love, I hope you’re doing well! James and I have settled into a boring little life, as I’ve shared in previous letters. Not much has happened since I last wrote you, but I’m sure you know by now that even when I have nothing interesting to say, I will still write until I’m no longer able to hold a quill. Harry has been doing well, as well as an 18-month-year-old can be. If you can believe it, he’s looking more and more like James every day. Though, he’s much cuter.
He tried sausages for the first time last night and he absolutely loved them! I swear it reminded me so much of you, always the big appetite. I’m sure my heart swelled twice its size when I noticed the comparison. I looked at James to ask if he noticed too, but I could tell that he did. He was just staring at Harry, the same look of fondness and amusement in his eyes that he gave you whenever you were stuffing your face in the Great Hall. We miss you, Remus.
All my love,
Lily Evans-Potter.
Lily’s updates always made Remus happy. That one in particular was his favourite. In a way, it was bittersweet because as happy as it made him to read about his shared traits with Harry, there was always that nagging feeling in his stomach telling him that he should be there to witness it himself. Remus was sure that the guilt would never fully go away, but over time he learnt to make peace with his decision to leave. He’s just grateful that they allow him to be part of their lives in some small way.
Moony,
How’s it going, mate? I miss you loads!
I caught Lily reading that Muggle novel that you love this morning, The Picture of Dorian Gray, if my memory serves me correctly. When I saw her cuddled up on the sofa with her book and a cup of tea, it took me back to our dorm room, but more specifically your bedside table. I swear that book was permanently stuck there from day one of first year! Apart from the many times it was glued to your hands, that is!
I’m doing better, I hope you are too. I know I say it every time I write you, but I miss you, Moony. I respect and I understand why you can’t come back right now, but I wish it was different. I keep dreaming about school, when the biggest worry I had was Quidditch being cancelled.
There’s something I wanted to tell you in hopes that maybe it will bring you some comfort. Every moon since you left, I’ve become Prongs. It doesn’t sound like much, but I thought that Moony would be able to tell that Prongs was out there somewhere, just for him. I haven’t looked for you because I want to respect your wishes, but please, Remus. Tell me when you need my help. One thing I love about you is how stubborn you are, but I don’t want you to be stubborn about this. Knowing that you’re in pain and there’s nothing that I can do about it crushes me.
Anyway, I also wanted to update you on Harry! I’m telling you, Remus, he’s the greatest kid in the fucking world. I love him so much that sometimes I feel sick with it. It might be too early to tell, but I’m certain that he’s going to be insanely good at Quidditch. I mean, it was his first word and one thing about Harry? That kid is fast. I can see it perfectly as I write this, him soaring through the sky, me cheering him on dressed head to toe in Gryffindor apparel. I can’t wait. I can see you there with me, too. Mostly you sat cowering away from me, pretending you don’t know who I am, but you’re there nonetheless. That’s a wish of mine that I really hope comes true.
Lily’s calling me for dinner now, so I’m going to have to wrap this one up. I love you, Moons.
Prongs xx
Sometimes, when Remus got really lucky, there would be a photo or two tucked into the envelope that was delivered. Remus’ best days were when he received a new picture of Harry. True to what Lily said, the resemblance between him and James was uncanny. Except his eyes. Instead of the dark brown eyes of his father, Harry’s were a beautiful bright green. Remus kept all of the photos in a worn cardboard box in the bottom of his wardrobe along with every single letter he had received. He never threw anything away. Not when they were the only things he cared about these days.
Over the years, he realised that his favourite photos were always taken on the same day every year. July 31st. Harry’s birthday. They never directly mentioned the gifts and the birthday cards that Remus sent, and Remus was thankful for that. The pictures they sent of Harry with Remus’ gifts showed that they were grateful without them having to say the words.
Remus was just glad that James and Lily knew he was reading their letters. They would update him in most of the letters about Harry’s latest interest, so shopping for Harry was never a difficult feat.
He dreamed every single day that maybe one day he would be there to celebrate with them, too.
He sent ‘anonymous’ gifts on James and Lily’s birthdays as well, flowers on Mother’s and Father's Day too. Nothing too special, just something small that reminded him of them. For example, a hand-made teacup with a cartoon bouquet of flowers painted on it (Lily’s birthday, 1983) or a decorative Quaffle with a red #7 embroidered stitched into the side of it (James’ birthday, 1985).
In the twelve years that Remus was away, he never once went without a delivery that consisted of forty-eight chocolate frogs after the full moon, either. No, James made sure he came home to the package every time. Why forty-eight? Remus has no idea. It’s one of James’ little things, he supposed.
***
Twelve years is a long time. A long time to hurt. A long time to heal. A long time to miss your friends who, let’s face it, aren’t really your friends at all. They’re family, no matter how long they’d been apart. Remus missed them more than anything and he was sick to death of choosing to be alone when he didn’t have to be. Sick to death of not knowing his nephew who is becoming a teenager in just a few short days.
Maybe that’s why when Albus Dumbledore sent an owl, requesting him to consider returning to Hogwarts to become the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, he accepted without question.
Remus wasn’t going to miss out on living anymore. He was ready to return to his life.