“Remus?” The voice called softly from Sirius’s bed. “Are you still awake?” Despite the fact that it was far too late to be awake, much less alert, Remus almost immediately pulled the curtain around his four poster open a crack.
“Yeah Pads, is everything alright?” There was a pause and something that sounded like a shaky, repressed sob. “Siri?”
“Can I… can I come over and talk about something?” Remus pulled back the curtain.
“Of course, come on.” Sirius scampered out from his bed and into Remus’s in a flash. Remus pulled the curtain shut and put a silencing spell on the bunk. Conjuring a small glowing orb to hover above their heads Remus examined the Black boy. He had a black long sleeve shirt on along with a pair of shorts but that’s not what caught his attention. He was clearly distressed. His eyes were red rimmed and his hair was mussed like he’d been pulling at it. “What’s wrong?” Sirius sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve.
“I… I need to tell you something… well not you specifically. I just…” He sighed miserably. “I need help.” Remus’s brow furrowed.
“Help with what?” Sirius tugged at a strand of hair that fell in his face nervously.
“It’s… it’s hard to say I just… I didn’t know who else I could talk to, I just…” Remus brushed his hand away from his face gently and it fell into his lap to play with the hem of his shirt.
“Hey, Pads, it’s alright, you can always talk to me about anything and if you need help then I’m here. But I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s going on.” Sirius was silent for several moments before he spoke just loud enough for Remus to hear.
“I’vebeencuttingmyselfandIcan’tstop.” Remus froze.
“What?” Sirius brought his hands up to cover his face and started to cry.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m sorry.” He trailed off into incoherent mumbling punctuated with heartbroken sobs. He rocked back and forth slightly while Remus’s brain processed that. Sirius, his beautiful, wonderful, absolutely perfect boyfriend was hurting himself. It was like a puzzle piece clicked in his mind and suddenly the “I’m just cold”s and “I don’t want to swim”s made sense.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Shh.” Remus scooped Sirius up and held him in his lap as he sobbed. “Shh, it’s alright, I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.” It took several minutes for him to calm down enough to be even remotely intelligible and Remus took the time to press kisses on his head and reassure him that everything was going to be alright even though he really wasn’t sure of that himself. Once Sirius had quieted to small whimpers and shivers Remus carefully pulled his hands down from his face.
“Hey, can you look at me Siri?” Sirius looked up and Remus felt his heart breaking again. He looked like a wreck, eyes puffy and lower lip trembling slightly as he stared up at Remus like he was the only thing that could save him. “It’s going to be alright, I need to see the cuts though.” Sirius let out a soft whine.
“No, no please.” Remus wiped away his tears and nodded.
“I do.” Sirius sniffled for a few moments but shakily pulled his shirt over his head. Remus sucked in a breath.
Both arms were covered in straight, orderly, red lines all the way from almost at his shoulder to a few inches shy of the wrist. Most looked recent and a couple were even still slowly oozing blood but none of them looked infected. Sirius shivered slightly in the cold.
“Pads.” Remus breathed softly, fingers ghosting across his marred skin. He reached for his wand causing Sirius to flinch slightly. “It’s alright, I have to heal these.” Sirius nodded, not looking up from the bedsheet where he was staring shame faced. Pursing his lips and concentrating he started muttering healing spells under his breath. Luckily years of being a werewolf had taught him many healing spells and within a minute all the cuts had faded into thin scars and the blood was cleaned off his skin. Setting his wand aside he wrapped Sirius in a hug. He mumbled something Remus didn’t catch. “Hm?”
“I’m sorry.” Sirius pulled away for a moment. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know who else to go to and I’m scared, Merlin I’m scared, I’m sorry.”
“Hey, don’t be sorry, I’m so glad you came to me.” Remus carded a hand through his messy hair. “Listen, it’s late and you need to sleep. How about I grab you one of my jumpers and you can sleep with me tonight and we can talk in the morning?” Sirius nodded slightly and Remus rummaged through his trunk for a jumper that Sirius accepted with a grateful half smile. Remus helped him into it and under the covers. Within minutes he was asleep, snuggled into Remus’s side, Remus wasn’t so lucky though. Worries kept him up for an hour, maybe even two after that before he finally managed to drift off.
- - -
When Sirius woke up he was confused for a moment why his pillow seemed to be breathing before last night’s memories came flooding back. He had been up cutting again when at a random impulse he moved the blade to the inside of his wrist. His veins had pulsed beneath the blade pressed tightly against the skin and he had sat there, unmoving for several minutes unable to get himself to put the blade down. When he had finally managed to drop it he had panicked and called out to Remus. Remus who was now under him and whispering in a very agitated manner to someone else in the room.
“No, go tell McGonagall we won’t make it to classes today.” There was a frustrated growl.
“Tell us what’s going on.”
“James, I already told you, I’m not telling you without talking with him first. Now you have class, go.” Peter spoke up.
“Whatever it is it sounds personal James, maybe we should just go to class.”
“He’s my best friend and whatever’s going on that has you so worried is my business too.” Remus sighed.
“Listen, you’re going to wake him up, we can talk after classes.”
It sounded like James was going to protest more but Peter declared, “We’re leaving now. Let’s go.” and the door shut soon after. Sirius groaned.
“What was that all about?” Remus stiffened.
“Did he wake you up?”
“Think I was already on my way to waking up. What’s got his knickers in a twist?” Remus sighed again and carded a hand through his hair which Sirius happily tilted his head into.
“I wouldn’t tell him why you weren’t going to get up for classes.” Sirius was silent for a three count.
“Oh.” There was a few more moments of silence. “Why not?”
“Well I figured you wouldn’t want me advertising it.” Sirius shook his head slightly.
“No, rather expected you to tell James and Peter at least though.” They stayed in silence for a few minutes before Remus spoke again.
“We need to talk.” Sirius’s stomach did a slow flip.
“Oh, okay.” He pushed himself up to a sitting position and Remus followed suit. “Can I say something first?” Remus nodded.
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath.
“I know it wasn’t fair of me to put that on you last night and I’m sorry. I understand if you don’t want to be with me or be friends anymore. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.” Remus’s mouth dropped.
“Is that what you think- Siri, Lord no, I don’t want to break up with you, that isn’t what this is about.” Sirius gave him an unimpressed look.
“Really? You don’t have to lie to me.” Remus tore a hand through his hair.
“Really I’m not, last night changed nothing I still love you I don’t want- Merlin Pads, no.” Remus looked frazzled and his voice was rising desperately. “What if it were me? Would you break up with me?” Sirius was horrified.
“Of course not!”
“Exactly so why would I break up with you?” Sirius stared.
“That’s different.” Remus threw his hands in the air.
“No it’s not I…” He sighed. “I’m not going to break up with you. In fact there’s probably no way to get rid of me. You’re stuck with me.” Sirius smiled a bit. “Come here.” Remus pulled Sirius into a hug which he happily accepted. “We do still need to have a talk though.” Sirius nodded and sat back twisting the hem of the borrowed sweater.
“Okay.”
“And I’m going to go through your stuff and take all your blades.” His stomach dropped as he tried to remember how many he had. Far too many to brush off as a normal collection.
“Oh.”
“And then I’m going to have to check you regularly.”
“Oh.” Remus seemed to be studying him and he looked away.
“It’s not going to be easy but I’m here alright? Whenever you need me, you can come get me.” Sirius nodded.
“Okay.”
- 22 Years Later -
“Moony?” Remus looked up from the Daily Prophet and to Sirius standing in the doorway to the living room of Grimauld Place, a fuzzy blanket wrapped around his shoulders.
“Yeah Siri?” He tugged on a strand of hair nervously.
“Remember when we were boys at Hogwarts?” Remus smiled slightly.
“Vividly.” Sirius continued.
“And you told me that if I ever needed you I could come get you?” Remus stood and set the newspaper aside.
“Oh Pads, come here.” Sirius scampered over and Remus wrapped him in a hug, doing his best to protect him from all the bad things of the world, just like he’d done so many years ago.