Defense Against the Blonde Arts (Elijah's POV)
Elijah walked into the DADA classroom behind Oscar, both sitting down near the back of the classroom. They shared a look at the giggling girls all sitting up front. Oscar rolled his eyes. “Hopefully this teacher is better than Quirrell.”
“I’ve got my fingers crossed.”
With perfectly wavy, golden blonde hair, purplish-blue eyes, and a bright smile, their new professor made his way to the front of the classroom, holding one of his books where his portrait winked at him. “Me,” he said, pointing at it and winking as well. “Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award — but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!”
The girls giggled harder and Elijah scowled, setting his book up to cover Lockhart’s face. “I think we’ll start off with a little quiz to see how well you all read my books.” He said, passing out the papers. “You have thirty minutes, and go!”
Elijah looked down at his paper. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Is he serious?” He heard Oscar whisper beside him.
All fifty-four questions where about nothing but Gilderoy Lockhart. “This is ridiculous.” Elijah resigned himself to the assignment and tried to answer the questions as best he could.
When time was up and Lockhart collected the tests, he kept shaking his head and sighing. “Tut, tut — hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully — I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples — though I wouldn’t say no to a large bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky!”
“Neither would I if it gets me out of this class.” Elijah said loudly.
Lockhart’s eyes met his. “Ten points from Hufflepuff, Mr-”
“Holmes.” Elijah finished for him.
“Right.” He flipped through the stack, scanning over a test. “And you barely answered half of these.”
“To be completely honest, Professor, I only read Voyages with Vampires.”
“Well, then, that’s your first assignment, class. Read through Wanderings with Werewolves and write me an essay summarizing the book with careful attention to the trivia points I throw in there. I’ll give five house points for each one you put in your essay.”
Elijah said nothing else, eyes scanning the pages of the assigned book. He was halfway through when class was dismissed.
“This is going to be a long year.” He sighed, shoving everything back in his bag.
After dinner, he forced himself to sit down in one of the chairs in his common room and finish reading. Hannah and Susan couldn’t stop giggling about how cute they thought the new professor was as they read through the book, sitting on a couch close to him.
The next day, after his three morning classes and hearing the Gryffindors complain about their new professor as well, he had just sat down at the table for lunch when Ryan flopped down beside him, sighing dramatically. “I cannot believe Dumbledore hired him. He’s an idiot. We had to save ourselves from Cornish pixies.”
“Maybe Dumbledore thought it would be funny.”
“Potentially ruining our education isn’t funny, Elijah.” She huffed. “Am I supposed to teach myself defense against the dark arts?”
He shrugged. “You probably could, with Granger. You both know everything anyways.”
“You’re no help.” She grumbled. “First, I can’t play Quidditch because of Flint and now we have an idiot for a professor that apparently is my uncle.”
Elijah turned his head, looking at her. “Huh. You do have his eyes.”
“Too bad Quirrell turned evil. At least I learned something with him.”
“Yeah, namely to not let a parasite of an evil wizard latch onto your head.”
Ryan laughed. “Exactly. It’s something better than what Lockhart’s trying to teach us.”
“Um, why exactly are you sitting with the Hufflepuffs?” Elijah turned to see a Gryffindor first year with long, curly hair sneering at Ryan. “Go sit with the other Hogwarts rejects.”
“Take your own advice firstie, and keep your nose out of our business.” Elijah retorted. “If you can, anyways. Bet it’s hard to see over that thing on your face.”
The girl had no retort, stomping off to the end of the Gryffindor table. “Thanks.” Ryan said.
“Don’t think we’re friends now. You’re still annoying.”
Ryan just smiled. “I’m sure that’s what you think.” Then, she went back to her own table to finish eating.
Justin shook his head, leaning over the table. “I think she likes you, mate.”
“Ew.” Elijah shook his head. “I hope not.”
“She’s pretty.” Ernie added, joining the conversation.
“I mean, yeah, I guess. Girls are just-weird.” Elijah struggled to figure out what to say. “Especially her.”
“Then don’t take up for her next time.” Zacharias Smith offered his advice. “Now she’ll think you like her.”
Elijah groaned. “Great. I’m hoping you’re wrong, though.”