Does he hate me?
I love this chapter! This one is my favorite so far!!!! I hope you guys like this on just as much as I do!
TW Warnings
-F slur
-Drinking
-Drug use
-Angst
-Cursing
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"Regulus, breathe in. Breathe out. It'll be okay." Pandora's voice says through the phone.
"You're almost here, it will all be okay." I put my hand on my chest and try to steady my breathing. It doesn't seem to work well, honestly.
"Regulus, what'd you eat for dinner yesterday?" Damn. I taught Evan that trick. Pandora used to get really bad panic attacks so I told him to help steady her breath and then ask easy random questions because it makes the person think about something else.
"I.. um," I try to speak, sniffling "Uh, Indian food, I think."
"Oh, Indian food's good. The best kind of cuisine."
"Did you have anything to drink with it?"
"Yeah, I had one of Barty's energy drinks." It's such a dumb trick but it does work. My breathing starts to even out and my eyes stop watering.
"What's your driver look like?" Pandora askes still trying to calm me down.
"Uhh. she's got freckles, and green eyes, and uh red hair. She's quite pretty, you know coming from a gay man." I try letting out a little laugh but it doesn't really come across as a laugh more like.. A fucked up drinking sound? But it's okay because we finally arrived at my apartment. I can see Pandora, Evan, and Barty standing outside so I hang up the phone.
"Uh, how much do I owe you?' I ask the cab driver
"It's okay," She says, signaling for me to put my wallet away
"I've been exactly where you are now, crying in the back of a cab and all. Besides, you said I'm pretty." She responded with a soft comforting smile.
"God, uh, let me give you my number or something! So I can get you a coffee to pay you back." I dig into my pocket to find the paper with my number and shit. It must have fallen out somewhere! Or did I give it to someone and forget? Now I look like an ass if I don't give her something!
"Here let me just give you mine!" She scribbles her number onto a sticky note and hands it to me before I get out.
"Thank you so much for this... uhh?"
"Lily." She fills in the blank offering her hand.
"Regulus" I replied, shaking her hand, and left.
It was still obvious I had been crying but the generosity of Lily really helped me. I wasn't one to make new friends so it was nice. As I walk out of the cab, Panda runs up to me and hugs me.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
"I.." I have to stop myself because I truly never thought I'd say this. "I saw my brother."
"What where?"
"Uh.. his kitchen." I answer. A look of surprise jumps onto her face then turns to confusion.
"Oh.. okay then. Regulus, let's get inside." Evan tells me, pulling me inside the lobby. I wait to tell them the whole story until we're inside the apartment.
"So basically last night when I gave you guys the okay to leave James took me up to his apartment. Which is right above the bar, because he's the owner." I can hear Barty mutter something about that being 'sick af'. "And, me and him, you know, we hook up. Pausing the story real quick god DAMN!! Okay, not the point. Then this morning I'm sitting on a counter in the kitchen drinking coffee when his roommate walks in, and we talk then he brings up his boyfriend. A few minutes later, said boyfriend comes in and said boyfriend is my said brother.. Yeah, after a little bit of awkward conversation I remember, oh yeah, Sirius, my brother, who abandoned me, who hates me, and probably wants me to get the fuck out of his house seeing as he's not said a single thing other than the tell, hot as fuck James, to put a shirt on. Which, the fact that he told him to put a shirt on shows he MUST hate me 'cause god DAMN. So then I ran out." I just spat all of this out and just rambled on. Oh god, that's embarrassing.
"Sorry, I was rambling." My friends just sit there looking at me all wide-eyed until Pandora pulls me in for another hug. Evan goes to do something in the kitchen, and Barty walks away making a phone call. I guess the boys don't want to hear it which kind of hurts but it's okay, because I've got my girl.
"First things first, how are you feeling about seeing Sirius? Are you okay? Second of all, never ever apologize for 'rambling', especially not in a situation like this. And lastly, was James really that hot? I mean you groaned god damn twice." When saying 'god damn' she mocked how I said it, which made me smile and flip her off. Pandora has always been a worrier and she's always dealt with crises like this shooting off questions. It works for us because I ramble about what happened and she rambles trying to know everything.
"1, I'm not really sure how I feel. 2, okay. And 3, YES, HOLY SHIT THAT MAN WAS SCULPTED BY THE GREEK GODS, and also fuck you for how you said god damn. Oh yeah, and I made a friend I think! My cab driver, her name was Lily and she gave me her number." I remark. There really is something to be studied about me when I make friends. The pure childlike joy I feel is weird!
A few minutes pass. Me and Panda are now watching Red White & Royal Blue seeing as it's one of my comfort movies. I dare say that it is in competition with Moulin Rouge for the best love story. I cried so hard when I first read the book. Henry was just so relatable for me seeing as I grew up practically the 'heir' of the Black family business, and god forbid I was a 'fag' like my brother.
Evan finally finishes up in the kitchen and comes over to us with 2 bowls of vodka sauce pasta. I'm about to thank him and tell him how much I appreciate this but he cuts me off before I can.
"I know that it's your favorite and your comfort food, and this is how I show my love because I'm not good with words so you're going to eat the pasta and we're not going to talk about this."
"Okay." Look, if I'm told not to talk about it I won't talk about it. I just take the bowl and begin to eat my pasta. A few more minutes pass and I realize that I haven't seen Barty since he left to make that phone call. Until I hear the door open and I turn around, and there he is holding a brown paper bag and a cup holder of 4 bobas.
"So I went out and got your usual boba order, which I remembered because of a note on my phone. I also got some vodka if you want to day drink, and I got a few joints if you want to day smoke. If you don't want them though then I'll keep them. If you say anything I'm walking home." Barty and Evan dating makes a lot of sense. I swear, how do they show love when both of them reject thank you's!? I really do have the best friends.
"Okay then, let's get intoxicated!" I exclaim.
((Many alcoholic boba's & a joints later))
"I love you guys!" I slur out. "You guys are the best!"
"Oh goodness Reg, I explode if you compliment me too much!" Barty laughs out.
"Please do not call me Reg. You know that's what I tell people I hook up with to call me."
"Ohh reg!" Evan fake moans.
"You guys are laughing because you're not a lesbian sharing a wall with him!" Pandora declares.
"Oh ya speaking of you and your lesbianism, my cab driver had a pride pin on and she was really nice and cute her name was uhh.. Lily! Want me to invite her over right now?"
"Right now? Brotha, I'm stoned and drunk. Is this really a good first impression! What if she's the love of my life?" Pandora has been saying 'brotha' a lot recently because she's obsessed with some meme where they say it.
"I don't know, it was just a thought."
"Ah fuck it, sure." With the good to go I text up Lily.
R: Hey Lily, it's Regulus from the cab earlier. Random question: are you a drinker/smoker?
L: Oh hey Regulus ya I guess I am? Good conversation starter!🤣
R: I know it's not a coffee like I'd suggested early but do you want to come over and hang out with me and some friends? We've got vodka, joints, pasta, and lots of love!
L: Oh hell ya! Uh sorry to ask this, can I invite my friend we were supposed to get dinner tonight?
R: Ya why not, as long as he's never come back to my apartment before then I don't care!🤣
L: LOL!! God I hope not he's also my ex!
L: Hey, we just got here. Which apartment is yours?
R: 505
"Hey, what's up! I'm Lily and th.." I can faintly hear Lily introducing herself to Evan who got the door. When she walks out onto the balcony where the rest of us are with drinks, and a joint she introduces herself to Panda and Evan. Just from the look in Pandora's eyes I can tell that inviting her was a good idea. Then from behind her a man comes out and she turns to him saying, "Oh ya this is James by the way!"
Damn that's ironic! Fate's a bitch!
"Well then.. I mean technically he's never come back here so I can't be annoyed!" I comment with a laugh when getting up to give her a greeting hug.
"What? Oh god, do you two know each other?!" She asks with a tone that shows that she's asking if we KNOW each other.
"Hah, funnily enough he was in my kitchen this morning.. Until he wasn't" James gets quiet at the end almost just whispering it to himself, but I heard it.
"Shit. Sorry Reg, do you want us to leave?" She asks with a concerned look on her face. Probably seeing as she picked me up this morning while I was crying. I bet she thinks it's something James had done.
"Oh no, it's okay!"
"Oh god don't call him Reg you'll never hear the end of it!" Barty yells out from behind me with a laugh as he takes a hit passing it to Pandora who chimes in with "Oh yes please don't! I'll get war flashbacks from the late nights in my bed next to his bed!" She playfully looks up like she's having a flashback and shakes her head to get rid of it. I go red as a fucking cherry seeing as James knows that nickname well by this point. When I look at him he's looking at me clearly trying to hold back a laugh.
"Can you two shut the fuck up please!" I shout out with an embarrassed smile while Panda passes the joint over to me. I hold it to my lips and take a breath, inhaling the chemicals. I hold it in for a little before I tilt my head up and blow it out. When I look back down my eyes catch onto James who's looking at me like I'm a big piece of meat and that he's never eaten a day in his life. I wink and blow him a kiss causing him to turn his gaze away.
I'm so fucked. God! What the hell is my luck that Lily just happened to make a friend and that that friend was my first one night stand, and my best friend's brother he hasn't talked to in years. The chances must be like 1 in a million or some dumb shit. Why does Sirius' baby brother have to be so fucking sexy too!
"Want some?" I heard a voice ask, but I wasn't really paying attention. When I looked up I saw that it was Regulus with his arm extended offering me the joint. I've learnt that when Regulus gets high his already obvious French accent gets a lot stronger, and oh god is it hot! Like it's hot normally but now!? Jesus. I take it from him and take a drag of it. They'd gotten the good shit actually! Lucky me I guess. I get to get high with my best friend's baby brother. Baby brother my ass! The man in front of me was no baby.
Sirius had talked about Regulus, but this is never what I had pictured. He'd said he was a perfect little proper rich mama's boy, but looking at Regulus now I could never see that. I mean I've met Sirius' mother and I doubt that her "perfect" son would have a long snake tattoo going down his arm, a lip piercing, wear eyeliner, and be smoking weed like he's been doing this since 16. Actually 16 would make some sense, that is the age Sirius left.
"Hey Reg, when did you start smoking?" I ask, the smoke and alcohol clouding my brain to make me think that maybe I shouldn't call him Reg, and not to single him out like that.
"I was 15, that's when shit kind of hit the fan at home." He answered so casually, probably not fully thinking about his words. Shit hit the fan? But, Sirius had always said that Regulus would be okay without him? That he hadn't needed him there. Nothing is making sense with them. It seems everything Sirius said was unaligned with what Regulus was. It was like Sirius had the wrong pieces to a puzzle, that puzzle being Regulus.
Looking at Regulus now, knowing what he knows, he can see Sirius in him. The way his jawline is sharp, and the blue in his eyes seem to stick out more now but that could also be in contrast to the red in his eyes now. His hair was the similar kind of black as Sirius'. The most important thing though was how he held himself. It's strange he hasn't seen Sirius since they were 15 and 16 but still he walked with the same confidence, the same pride, but also the same hurt that you could get a glimpse of when they were distracted and not really paying attention. It was probably a result of growing up in the Black house. I don't know how I didn't see the resemblance before. Now that I'm really seeing him I can also slightly see that part of Sirius' heart that he'd left with Regulus just as Regulus had done to Sirius.
Sometimes I talk without thinking, and when I'm high sometimes becomes most times.
"You know you look like him." WHY? James? Why, James Why?! Are you dumb!!
"Oh." Regulus looks back at him with such a look of shock in his eyes. I mean of course he's shocked what kind of idiot says that to someone in this situation?!
"Uh thanks." He utters before flashing a small smile. It's a sweet simple smile, but then that smile turns to something else. Annoyance? "You know that tends to happen when you're bro.. related." oh that's what the look was, sarcasm.
"Why'd you stop yourself from calling him your brother?" Hey, James, have you ever had an inside thought you dumbass?!!
"Oh well. It's been awhile and it feels wrong seeing as the last thing I said to him was that he wasn't my brother.." Regulus' voice dropped near to a whisper. The pain in his voice spoke so loud it was nearly screaming.
"Oh." OH COME ON JAMES! Now you're quiet!? James I will kick you I swear to god! Wait, did I just tell myself I was going to kick.. me? Anyways, we just sat there in silence. At first I thought that it was awkward silence but then I realized that it's just silence. I've always hated silence. I don't know when it'd happened but we're alone, and I'm pretty sure we have been, this whole conversation.
"James?"
"Reg?"
"Does he hate me?" Regulus asks the question with such sadness almost like a child who'd lost their favorite toy. In some weird way, he was a child who'd lost something: his brother. The 'he' in question didn't even have to be named; it was clear who the holder was.
"No. He never has."
"Okay." And we leave it at that. He leans onto my shoulder probably exhausted and he most likely won't even remember this in the morning seeing as he's been smoking and drinking away his pain since lunch I bet. While leaning on my shoulder he drifts off asleep. The pain slowly fading from his face into sleep. I just sit there with the fragile boy on me looking out to the streets of London. It really is the most beautiful city.
"Oh Regulus, tu vas m'achever."
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Translations
James Spanish-English:
Oh Regulus, tu vas m'achever. = Oh Regulus, you'll be the death of me
Notes
Oh my god!! This fucking chapter!!!! I love it so much!! It's just the perfect balance of humor and angst. We have the introduction of Lily and the beginning of Pandalily. What are your guys' feelings on Pandalily? Do we love it? Do we hate it? I love the idea that when Reg is high he starts sounding more french!!!
Summary
Regulus has a panic attack in the cab on his way home from running into Sirius for the first time in 5 years. His friends help him through it over call.
Then he makes a new friend, Lily Evans. A beautiful kind hearted red head who's also his cab driver. She pays for him seeing as he called her pretty and he was sad. (SLAY GIRL GO)(LILY I LOVE YOU)
When he gets home he tells Pandora, Evan, and Barty about what happened. While Panda comforts him Evan makes him pasta, his(my) comfort food, and Barty goes out and gets boba, vodka, and weed. Both of them cannot handle the love and appreciation THEY MUCH SO DESERVE so they both tell him not to thank him.
They all get cross-faded. Then Regulus invites Lily over and she ask if she can bring a friend. Regulus agrees as long as they've never came back to his apartment with him (okay you man whore.) but jokes on him fates a bitch! And her friend is also her ex bf James.
James simps over him
James realizes that Regulus looks like Sirius(WOOOW REALLY NO SHIT SHERLOKE IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE BROTHERS)(sry James... I love you.. you're just kinda slow sometimes)
James has never known how to stfu in his life so he tells Regulus that he looks like Sirius. They have a moment before Regulus responds similarly to how I did.
Regulus asks if Sirius hates him and James says no(GUYS THE MITSKI AND PHOEBE BRIDGERS IM LISTENING TO IS SEEPING THROUGH MY HEART ONTO THE PAGE OKAY)
Regulus dozes off on James' shoulder.
Then we have:
"Oh Regulus, you'll be the death of me"
(it's italics cause it's just sad like that.)
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