Sixth Year
— Flashback —
[May 1975, after the ‘Lake Incident’]
Initially, Severus was as blinded as he had always been, putting Evans up on a pedestal. He wasn’t in love with Evans, no, but he had valued their friendship quite a lot at the time.
Through the first few months after that incident, he had been depressed, moping around and neglecting his studies. It carried out all through the Summer and into the start of his sixth year.
If the teachers had noticed anything, they hadn’t bothered to try and find out, save for Professors McGonagall and Flitwick, who had asked if Severus was going through something because they had noticed a decline in his grades. But of course he had just politely denied it and went on his way.
Severus had greatly respected them for that, having barely any house prejudices and looking out for all the students regardless. That was partly why he hadn’t been so against being ‘friends’, as they called it, with Minerva and Filius when he began working as a professor.
In any case, he was absolutely miserable. He had his other friends in Slytherin of course, but he was hardly as close to them as he was with Evans so that barely lifted his mood. Sure it made it less sad, but not by much at all.
So he was depressed.
That was, until he overheard Slughorn and Evans talking one day after class.
[Mid-October 1975]
He was especially slow in cleaning up that day, hoping to catch Lily — no, Evans — after class and try to explain himself again. But before he could make it to her, she had asked to talk to Slughorn after class.
Severus thus waited outside of the classroom, and happened to overhear what they were talking about.
“Lily, my dear, how are you?” Slughorn had greeted Evans, as sickeningly jovial as always.
“I’ve been good, professor, thank you,” Evans had replied, sounding a bit tense. I wonder why she is, she’s ever the studious person, Severus had thought.
“That’s excellent to hear! Now, Lily, why have you asked to see me?”
“Well you see, professor,” Evans began, “I was wondering why I had gotten an ‘Acceptable’ for my potions essay, sir. I thought that I would’ve gotten an E, you see sir.”
“Ah, so that was what it’s about. Well, I am very sorry to say, Lily, that I can’t help you with that. I have already tried my best to find some better points in your essay, but sadly that was the best I could give you.” Slughorn answered Evans, sounding apologetic.
Severus heard Lily sigh loudly. No, he had berated himself, Evans, not Lily.
“Yes, it is rather unfortunate. Though…” Slughorn had trailed off, seeming to think about something.
“Yes professor?”
“Have you been going through anything difficult lately, my dear?”
Severus’ hope had soared when he heard the question. Maybe she would admit that she was feeling upset about their falling out as well! That would have made Severus’ goal far easier.
“No professor. Why, if I may ask sir?”
Severus’ heart sank. Li—Evans—had sounded so sure. He was about to walk away from the classroom, but something had stopped him. Maybe some remnant hope that he could still continue his friendship with Evans.
He really was blinded back then.
“Not at all, my dear. It’s just that I’ve noticed a decline in the quality of your potions work,” Slughorn had replied. Severus’ ears perked up at that. That’s impossible, he remembered thinking. As far as he had known. Evans was almost as good at potions as he was.
“Um,” He heard Evans say. He heard some rustling of papers.
“Hmm… yes,” Slughorn continued. “Since the start of the school year, it seems. I have noticed that you haven’t been partnering up with Mr. Snape recently, have you?”
“...No sir.” Evans had answered hesitantly.
”Well, would you like me to partner him up with you, Lily? It seems as though you work well together with him. Your consistent high grades in the past seems to show that.” Slughorn offered cheerfully. An odd tone to use in the situation, but not so weird coming from Slughorn.
Severus’ eyebrows went up to his hairline at that statement. He ignored the strange looks a few students in the corridor were giving him.
If Evans said yes, he would have to give an obscenely large favor to Slughorn. Though he most certainly did not want to do that. Unfortunately, or not, Evans replied almost immediately— with quite a bit of vigor, might he add.
”No thank you sir!”
Slughorn had paused at that, and Severus could imagine him looking at Evans, surprised, when he said “Are you quite sure, my dear?”
Evans must have nodded, as then he had said, “ Well then I hope you manage to get your grades up again, Lily, because if you’re unable to do that, I regret to inform you that I’ll have to remove you from my N.E.W.T. class.”
Severus heard a sound of protest from Evans, but Slughorn had continued onwards.
“Yes, I am very sorry Ms Evans. However, if you keep failing your essays and tests like this, I’m afraid I will have to do that. You might want to approach Mr. Snape for help should you decide that you need it—his work is always impeccable. I suppose I don’t give him enough credit in class,” Slughorn said gravely, and mostly said that last line to himself.
Severus had heard him nonetheless.
He was quite shocked that day. He remembered how surprised he was to hear Slughorn praise him. He supposed it was because he was so used to Slughorn praising Evans and ignoring him whenever they did pair work.
Now that they were in a N.E.W.T.s class, they were doing more individual work. So he guessed that it was harder for Slughorn to ignore the quality of his work since there was no one else to praise for it instead of him. As much as he was neglecting his studies, potions still came naturally to him. Thus his grades were still at the standards as they always were.
He was even more shocked, though, at the mention of Evans failing her work. For the longest time, Severus had thought that Evans was excellent at potions. But perhaps…she wasn’t? It couldn’t be, Severus had thought, every time I worked with her she has always gotten good grades, as good as mine!
Every time I worked with her… the small, skeptical part of his brain replayed that part of the sentence again. Is it a coincidence? The skepticism went on, that I had stopped working with Evans and suddenly her grades dropped?
Severus was so absorbed in his thoughts that he had completely missed the rest of the conversation. He was only startled back out of them by a dejected and oddly angry looking Evans exiting the classroom.
For a second Severus wanted to call out to her, but he stopped. He wasn’t sure if Evans had wanted to see him right then. She didn’t seem to be in the best of moods. Plus, the conversation he had just overheard had given him quite a bit to think about.
After that day, Severus was in constant turmoil about his situation with Evans. He had always thought that Evans was a brilliant girl on her own, but the conversation he had overheard of Evans and Slughorn had planted a seed of doubt in him.
Although since that day, he had noticed that Slughorn had begun giving him more attention and praise in class. Which was surprising to Severus, and although it was nice, it wasn’t exactly something that he had been looking for. So it just turned a bit awkward on Severus’ part whenever it happened.
Soon after, he started noticing that the other subject professors were calling Evans to stay after class. Thus of course Severus remained behind to try and listen in. To both Severus’ shock and dismay, they all went along similar lines of the conversation with Slughorn. Though all with very different ways of delivering it.
All except Professor Flitwick, who had never called Evans for a talk. Charms came naturally to her, it seems.
If I was really the only reason Evans has been performing well in the past, was she just…using me? Severus highly doubted that at the time, but it was always a possibility.
He had always wondered what caused Evans to want to be his friend. He wasn’t good looking at all, plus he just wasn’t a nice person to be around, as he grudgingly admitted. He might try to change that. Might.
Unfortunately for Severus, he soon got his answer to that question.
[Late-November 1975]
He had been practicing his disillusionment charm in one of the corridors for extra credit—and to hide himself from Potter and the marauders— , had finally gotten it right after hundreds of attempts and was about to remove it when he saw two figures walking in his direction.
He watched them as they got closer, and was surprised to see Evans and another Gryffindor girl. Was it McKinnon? Or McDonald? Strange how they both start with ‘Mc’, Severus had these thoughts fly through his mind as he watched them. They were both likely doing Prefect duty, and seemed to be in deep conversation.
He decided to keep himself disillusioned and listen in on it, intrigued.
“I really don’t know what to do Marlene,” Evans sighed as her shoulders visibly hunched. McKinnon then, Severus absentmindedly thought.
‘Well, what have all the professors suggested?” McKinnon asked Evans, looking at her friend, concerned.
“They’ve all asked me to either go to James or Snape.” Evans had spat out his name so hatefully that Severus felt like he was shot in the heart.
Severus was a bit surprised at the teachers recommending him to help Evans. In potions, yes, but in some of the other subjects? He was almost sure that he was falling behind in his practical work in some aspects. Though he never really looked at his grades recently, so he himself wasn’t sure on how he was doing.
“Then why haven’t you asked James? You two have hit it off quite well, haven’t you?” McKinnon asked, sounding quite confused. Severus scowled at the mention of Evans and Potter’s relationship, and scoffed internally at the first question. He was quite sure of that reason.
“Well, I love James, really, but he doesn’t make for a really good tutor.” Evans chuckled softly. McKinnon merely looked at her for an explanation.
“You see, every time I try to study with him, he just ends up making me laugh so much that I never really absorb much information! Really,” Lily concluded endearingly, to Severus’ disgust, “he’s sometimes too funny for his own good.”
McKinnon smiled at her friend, but then it quickly turned into a frown. “Isn’t there any other method that you haven’t tried?”
”No, Marlene, there isn’t. Studying on my own, with James, Remus, and even Sirius—yes I’m that desperate—,“ Evans smiled tiredly at McKinnon’s incredulous face. Severus could understand why, and his face was mirroring hers.
“Yet none of them have worked!” Evans continued, ranting. “I've even tried studying with the Ravenclaws, but they go a little too fast for my pace, so I quickly abandoned that attempt. The Hufflepuffs are very nice, but I don’t think that I study that well in large groups, so that didn’t work either.”
Evans looked quite dejected, and Severus felt a little bad for doubting her. He was about to leave, when he heard what McKinnon said next.
“Oh Merlin, that sounds difficult, Lily. I wish I could help, but we both know I’m terrible at theory work. I really hate to say this, and I really don’t approve of this, but why don't you ask Snape?” McKinnon’s face contorted as if saying that had physically caused her pain. Severus rolled his eyes. Typical, over exaggerating Gryffindors, he thought, but stayed, interested in hearing Evans’ answer.
“But really, Marlene, I can’t go to him for help. He’s a Slytherin!” Evans exclaimed, looking quite surprised at what McKinnon had said, but then looking rather upset. “Plus he called me that word.”
McKinnon sighed. “I know he’s a Slytherin, but that hasn't stopped you before has it? And I mean, you can’t be too surprised at him calling you that word, you yourself had told me that the other day in the common room!”
Severus had been shocked to say the least. Li—Evans— had thought that him calling her that name was something to be expected? As if she had already considered him a bad guy from a long time ago! Yet she had acted so upset that day!
But that can’t be right, Severus thought, we were friends for over two years even before Hogwarts, so she couldn’t have thought that then at all, could she?
Severus was even more shocked at Evans' face splitting into a grin. “We both know the reason I befriended him in the first place, Marlene, so you can stop acting like a model student around here, ey? “
Severus looked in bewilderment at both the girls' grinning faces. This hardly seemed like a situation to joke about.
“Then I suppose you finally broke off with him because he got too hard to look at?”
Evans laughed. “That’s one thing for sure! I mean I know James and Sirius always point this out but have you seen his hair? It’s so oily, it’s absolutely disgusting!”
”And his teeth you can see when he scowls, ugh! Plus that bony body of his, hardly a winning factor,” McKinnon pitched in.
Severus was horrified and seriously offended. He had expected this sort of thing from McKinnon, sure, but from Lily? He didn’t even bother to correct himself. She had always said that she hadn’t minded how he looked, although that was clearly a lie. His appearance couldn’t be that horrific, could it?
“He is very smart though, I have to give him that,” Lil—Evans— continued, albeit very grudgingly.
Severus beamed for a fleeting moment before registering her tone and remembering what he had just overheard, and his face settled once again into a deep frown.
“Then why’d you stop being ‘friends’ with him? Especially when you still need his grades,” McKinnon asked, and had the audacity to sound seriously curious, not at all concerned about the clear manipulations that had been occurring.
“Well, if I’m being honest, I thought that I could’ve done well on my own now that seven years have gone by. Apparently not. I suppose he has told me all that he could about the Wizarding world, even before Hogwarts. But now that I have got you, James and the rest of them, I hardly need him for that knowledge,” Evans grinned.
McKinnon simply laughed. “Well then, we just have to try to find someone else to help you then, if that option’s been exhausted.”
Evans sighed, shaking her head, but agreed nonetheless.
Severus stood in pure shock as he remained frozen in place, and watched the pair disappear down a corridor. His mind was still reeling from the absolute overload of horrific information that he had just heard.
Had Lily really thought of him like that all along? Just some expendable bout of knowledge that she could just, just, leech off of? And was the reason she had become his friend back before Hogwarts was for knowledge of the wizarding world?
Severus couldn’t quite believe it. The person who he thought was his best friend really wasn’t a friend at all. He almost hoped it was another student, even James Potter himself, who was just using polyjuice potion, but even Severus knew how impossible that was.
Severus’ body went on autopilot and slowly started making its way down to the Slytherin common room in the Dungeons. His mind, however, was, for the lack of a better word, malfunctioning.
But—But—But— Severus tried to come up with a situation on how this could have happened. He had spent a better half of the year moping about and trying to figure out how to patch his relationship with Lily, but all she was doing was using him and had clearly forgotten about him already? Well, she had not forgotten him, but he was referring more to their friendship.
Well, Severus thought as he walked past and ignored Avery in favor of quickly cleaning himself up and going to bed, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and decide that this was all a dream, yes. A dream.
————
It was not a dream.
And Severus, despite his own realization at how bad it was to mope over Evans —she’ll always be Evans to him now at this point— still managed to do so for a week, before finally coming to his senses.
He had forced himself out of bed one of the days, and forced himself to just accept the fact. And that he was going to make the best out of his situation. Like any good Slytherin would.
So he did. It was certainly difficult at first. He dove back to his studies, focusing once again on his grades. He was appalled to see how much he had fallen behind while he was busy ‘being depressed’.
So he worked hard to get back to where he was, even asking some of the professors if they had extra time to help him with his course work, although he had to put aside a lot of his pride for that.
The professors were mostly very glad and excited at a student directly asking them for remedial lessons. They were more than happy to help, which Severus was extremely glad for. His grades were improving once again and he was even topping quite a few of his classes. Even charms, to Evans’ annoyance (and Potter’s and Black's on her behalf) and Severus’ great pleasure.
Severus had also done something about his appearance. Though initially just to spite Evans’ and show her that, no, he was not ugly, he had to admit that looking presentable had its benefits.
He had started to tie his hair back into a low ponytail, thus allowing his face to actually show. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t done this before, if only for potions. It was far easier to brew without all his hair constantly falling into his field of vision. It had become less oily too, and was far more ‘normal’ now that the potion fumes were out of his hair.
He had also started an attempt at exercising. He only did so in the dark of the early mornings, so as to avoid his dorm mates’ ridicule. It was extremely exhausting at first, but after a while he found that he somewhat enjoyed it. Running seemed to help Severus relax, and gave him time to think about many different things and clear his mind.
He was also eating more, due to his daily runs. He had to fix his teeth because of that, using a spell he had found in the school library. Otherwise his teeth would hurt when he chewed too much food. Thus he had straightened out his own teeth, and just whitened them a little at the same time.
This turned out to have made Severus into quite an attractive young man. No longer gangly and boney, but tall, toned, and elegant in the way he moved, thanks to the Malfoys teaching him Pure Blood mannerisms. Not exactly in the way one would find Potter or Black attractive, but in a slightly different way.
Severus honestly didn’t notice that more girls were looking at him now. He was just rather content with the fact that people didn't seem so disgusted at the very sight of him anymore whenever he passed.
Plus, he took such immense pleasure in watching Evans, Potter and even Black look at him with such intense, hateful looks that he thought it all worth it.
His dorm mates had asked him before what had caused him to have this sudden change of mind. They expressed they were extremely glad about it. Just merely curious, they had said.
Severus hadn’t elaborated on anything at all, just said some vague answers and let them come to their own conclusions. Far less trouble that way.
Severus hadn’t gone back to talk to Evans after that. She, of course, had attempted to have some form of chat with him after his ‘transformation’, but Severus had just ignored it and glared at Evans, leaving her confused.
Severus was quite sure that Evans thought him obsessed with her, as he had seen from the incredulous look on her face the first time he had openly rejected her offer to talk.
She was admittedly right about that. At one point he would have definitely tried to do anything he could to make her forgive him. But not anymore.
Severus was undoubtedly sure of that.
— end flashback —
To be continued