He was back. Sirius was back. Remus had spent so much time hating him for evidently nothing. He had spent twelve years hating him. He had spent twelve years hating his best friend, his forever- no, he never really hated him, had he? Maybe Remus did, he missed him more than anything, he could only conjecture what had happened for twelve years. They all thought they knew, it was set in stone- Sirius betrayed James and Lily Potter. No, Remus had him now- he had Sirius. He had used legilimency on Sirius to determine if what he was saying was truthful, it was. He felt a blissful wave of relief when he learned this. The past twelve years were difficult for Remus, very difficult. It pained him to think about James, Lily, Peter, and mostly Sirius. He had grieved over all them. Remus no longer grieved for the rat.
Remus still loved Sirius. Remus had never stopped loving him. But Remus loathed him for what he reputedly did. Remus had spent innumerable nights trying to figure out what happened that night. He disagreed with Sirius being the secret-keeper in the first place, Sirius had not even told Remus until he already undertook the mission. That was the first betrayal. What had he missed? Sirius loved James as a brother, he loved Harry as a son. Why would he hurt the Potters? Remus believed he would never make reason of the situation. He had had his heart broken by Sirius Black and he would never forgive him. He could never forgive him for betraying the Potters, for killing Peter, and all the other innocent muggles.
Remus had been gone for just around two weeks and when he returned the home was empty. He was confused, he and Sirius had already been drifting apart.Did Sirius leave him? He later figured out this was because Sirus suspected him to be a spy. That is when he received the phone call. “Oh Remus… something awful has happened…” For the days, weeks, and months following, Remus did not leave his flat. He did not attempt to contact anyone. Who was left for him?
“They're all gone. I'm alone.” Maybe Remus was destined to be alone. His contact with the wizarding world was near to none. He still used magic but never practiced or aspired to learn more. He had lived, for the most part, as a muggle.z
Remus and Sirius did not exactly pick up where they left off when he returned. For around a year after he had been discovered they had no contact. They were afraid of so many things, nevertheless they had to talk. Sirius was a different man now, but one could still see pieces of what he once was. Sirius would never be the same, Remus knew this. Remus also knew he would never be the same. They had both become unstable in contrasting ways. Remus had already formed the notion in his head that Sirius was deranged.
“Well, well, Sirius, looking rather ragged aren't we? Finally the flesh reflects the madness within.”
“Well you’d know all about the madness within wouldn't you Remus?”
Soon after this Sirius became hysterical, the rat was driving him crazy.
“ENOUGH! WE HAVE TALKED REMUS! COME ON, LET’S KILL HIM!”
“Wait!”
“I DID MY WAITING, TWELVE YEARS OF IT… IN AZKABAN!"
Sirius was beside himself with rage. It was as if he physically needed to kill Peter. Remus realized Sirius wasn't deranged or insane, he was hurt and angry. He loved James and Lily, he would have never betrayed them like Peter had.
“You don't understand!” whined Pettigrew, “He would have killed me, Sirius!”
“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!” roared Black. “DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!”
But before Sirius and Remus could put an end to Peter, Harry stopped the two.
“We’ll take him up to the castle. We’ll hand him over to the dementors… He can go to Azkaban… But don’t kill him!” Harry argued as Peter fell to his knees before Harry and thanked him.
“Get off me,” Harry spat, throwing Pettigrew’s hands off him in disgust. “I’m not doing this for you. I'm doing it because I don't reckon my dad would've wanted his best friends to become killers– just for you.”
Sirius attempted to reason with Harry.
“You're the only person who has the right to decide, Harry,” said Black. “But think what he did…”
“He can go to Azkaban,” Harry repeated. “If anyone deserves that place, he does.”
Sirius relented, Harry deserved to make the choice. When Harry was born Sirius had loved him as if he was his own son. He cared so much for the boy.
The days while Sirius was hiding out were lonely, for the both of them, it was not safe to be in contact. Remus was not sure of how to go about it anyway and the anticipation was killing him. One day Sirius just showed up at Remus’ door in animagus form, that black dog.Oh, how he had missed him. Azkaban was a miserable place and an impossible situation. Even after escaping, the effects of it didn't wear off. Sirius had kept his sanity, for the most part, intact during his imprisonment, which is better than most people’s fates. The dementors sucked away anything and everything positive Sirius had to hold onto. In Azkaban he never had the chance to grieve so it had started now, twelve years later. Though he had aged twelve years and was now thirty-three, mentally he had never passed age twenty-two. He was stuck in an endless hell with no escape. He needed to help Sirius, nobody was there for Remus in his grief. Sirius needed him. Nobody else in The Order seemed to recognize what Sirius needed. Remus hated everyone’s dismissiveness towards Sirius, they failed to acknowledge the harshness in their words. Even with the knowledge that Sirius was innocent, a lot of the Order still looked at him as if he was a mad man.
Sirius was high alert at all times. For a while he could not go through a full night without waking up in a panic. Fortunately, it subsided after time. Sirius eventually started to open up more, he slowly started to return to himself. Return to Remus.Sirius knew he was not all there mentally but he wasn't sure how to be.
It was so great for Sirius to see James- Harry again. When Harry was born Sirius vowed to keep him safe, he loved the boy. Unfortunately, fate had other plans. Oh, and Remus! Remus knew the truth now, he knew Sirius was not a traitor now! Remus expressed to Sirius how he didnt understand how Sirius could have possibly done that to the Potters. Now he knew the truth. At first he could not understand why Remus did not reach out for those months while he was under hogsmeade. Then he realized just how much Remus had gone through in those twelve years.
Sirius wanted to get back to work immediately, he was adamant and wasted no time making it known that he wanted to join the reform of the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius had done everything in his power to contact Harry even while he was above Hogsmeade. He attempted to hide it but Remus knew Sirius. He had just wished he was more secretive about the letters. So Remus suggested changing to a code name safer than Padfoot. Sirius agreed to this. When Sirius decided to open his family’s old home to the Order, Remus was surprised Sirius would ever step foot back into that place.
“Moony, please don’t worry about me. It’s for the cause and it’s safe,” Sirius pleaded. Remus scoffed at “don’t worry.” Remus worry… that’s all he did. Eventually he caved and agreed to the idea, he never could say no to Sirius. After opening the house to the Order, Sirius was elated to have so many people around. However, there were still missions and life to get to, so once again Sirius was alone. Even after Remus decided to stay with Sirius, Sirius felt isolated, though he would never say it. The Order kept Remus constantly busy and left him with virtually no down time. Sirius was both stressed and excited about everything happening.
When Dumbledore informed Remus of Sirius’ escape he was angry to say the least. That monster, that good-for nothing foul git, Remus cursed Sirius mentally. So, when he was also requested to teach at Hogwarts he was resistant. He then was reminded Harry would be entering his third year there, Harry would be there. Remus took a few days to agree, but eventually he did, for Harry and only for Harry. Remus did not know how to explain everything to Harry after he was asked to teach. So he didn’t, but Sirius had picked that up quickly. Harry became attached to Sirius very quickly, and at some point Harry even started calling him Padfoot. Remus wished he could have achieved that closeness to Harry, he had still been calling Remus by his surname. However, Remus understood, he had not exactly kept in contact with Harry during fourth year. He was afraid and he had some things he needed to sort out. But now he and Sirius were together, they had seen Harry during the summer and over Christmas break.
He reminded Remus of James so much. Everything about his appearance, excluding his eyes, were nearly exact to James. Even his mannerisms and antics were similar. Every so often when Remus looked at Harry he saw James in his place, it made him feel unwell.
“You know… the very first time I saw you Harry, I recognized you immediately. Not by your scar, by your eyes. They’re your mother- Lily’s.”
That’s what Remus noticed first before looking at the rest of him. At some point throughout Harry’s third year he had asked Remus if he knew Sirius.
“Professor Lupin?” Harry said. “If you knew my dad, you must’ve known Sirius Black as well.”
Lupin turned very quickly.
“What gives you that idea?” he said sharply.
“Nothing– I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts too…”
Lupin’s face relaxed.
“Yes, I knew him,” he said shortly. “Or I thought I did.”
Remus had not realized how defensive he had become, even with twelve years behind him this had all still been a touchy subject for him. Remus had known Harry would bring it up. Of course he would be curious, James had always been curious. Harry did not bring up the subject again, likely due to Remus’ dismissiveness. Now Harry had the chance to learn from Sirius.
“When all this is over, we’ll be a proper family,” Sirius had told Harry. Sirius had the idea of Harry moving in after the war, Remus had been looking forward to this. Maybe then Harry could have a normal childhood– as normal as normal could be given the chaos. Remus was exhausted of war, he already had to fight in one, why couldn't the Dark Lord just depart and never return? Remus had spent many years in mourning over war just to jump into another. He had wished he had more time with Sirius, he regretted so much. He regretted hating him, he regretted not trying harder to figure out the truth, and he regretted never trying to find Harry.
Avada Kedavra! A curse Remus could never forget. He could never forget when Bellatrix cried out those wicked words. She seemingly materialized out of nowhere and hurled out the unforgivable green light. Remus, along with Harry, remained still for what felt like years. They watched as life was sucked out of Sirius. He sluggishly sank back into the Veil, it was agonizing to watch. Remus was first to move, he seized Harry. Bellatrix let out a sickening triumphant scream, “I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!”
This cannot be happening, this wasn't supposed to happen. No! No! No! They were supposed to take Harry, they were supposed to be free from all of this, they were supposed to live full lives. Collect yourself Remus! Harry let out the most spine-chilling pained scream Remus had ever heard. Remus grasped Harry as he was struggling against him. Remus felt weak, he just lost everything all over again. He felt like he had been stabbed repeatedly. The lights, noises, and discomfort didn't cease.
“SIRIUS!” Harry sobbed. Harry escaped from Remus’ grip and dashed after Bellatrix. Remus did not follow, his eyes remained locked on the Veil. He remained still.
“SHE KILLED SIRIUS!” bellowed Harry. “SHE KILLED HIM- I’LL KILL HER!”
Bellatrix continued to banter Harry.
“CRUCIO!”
The spell knocked Bellatrix down, but it was ineffective. Bellatrix snickered. More lights, more noise, and more pain. He came back to himself, HARRY. Remus scuttled after Harry and Bellatrix.
June 16, 1996 Sirius Black died and his murderer lived.
Remus became both physically and mentally unwell. The lycanthropy was not helping. That was it, that was the last straw for him. His attendance at the Order meetings became sporadic, he isolated himself. He threw himself into reckless missions. He could not bear to step foot back into the former “Noble House of Black.” Why was he still here but Sirius, James, and Lily weren’t? Why him? Why did the worst of them survive? Remus was tired, very tired. A thought resurfaced; he was destined to be alone. In time, Remus returned and he did for one reason; to aid in ending the godforsaken war and for Harry and Tonks. He got himself together, he knew he could not succumb to his emotions again. It was time to grow up.
Remus J. Lupin
March, 10, 1960
May, 2 1998
Unknown cause of death
Father, husband, mentor, and friend
In the end, the deaths, pain, and loss all were not necessary.