lovesong

Lovesong

‘I will always love you’

People often say that time moves fast when you’re having fun, but Lily doesn’t think that’s true. 

In fact, she thinks that when things are really good, time slows. When it’s right, the right person, the right place. The world accommodates for the time people need, no match for the winds of fate. 

She leans against the wall of magic, teasingly, just to prove that it’s still there. Lily smiles down at Severus. 

“You said you could break through the wards. No?” 

He grits his teeth, looking up at her with a half-hearted glare. “I can!” 

Lily claps twice. “Chop chop!” 

Severus pointedly moves back to the wards, his wand moving in swift circles as he dismantles what Dumbledore built. She throws her head back and laughs, the sound escaping her without much resistance. He pauses at the sound, his lips quirking up ever so slightly before he concentrates again. 

Nobody is around to hear them, the rest of the school asleep. They’re supposed to leave for the summer the next morning, but Lily caught wind of a concert just outside of Hogsmeade. She wasn’t about to miss it. None of her other friends would’ve been willing to break out of the castle with her, but it’s not like she would’ve taken someone else over him anyways. 

The night is bleeding into the morning, the sky pitch black with the moon still hung in the sky, illuminating them through the trees. She can hear faint buzzing in her ears all around them from the bugs. Lily doesn’t mind much, she’s used to it back home. Instead of making a fuss, she crosses one green go go boot over the other and continues leaning on the wards. 

Severus has broken a small hole in the magic, the wards around it shimmering blue, pulsing as if in pain. Lily lets the cold air wash over her, feeling the magic from the wall behind her in her entire body.  She could help, but what's the fun in that? And besides, she doesn’t mind watching Severus work. 

Once the hole is big enough for them to pull themselves through, Severus glances up at her with a self-satisfied smirk. ‘

“Took you long enough.” She teases, giving him a wink before shoving in front and crawling out into the forest beyond. 

Lily hears him bark a laugh behind her, and she grins privately. “You could give me a little credit. It’s only the ‘most powerful’ wizard’s wards.”

She pretends to think about this as he crawls through, waiting until he’s stood up to speak. “You can have some points. I’d rather you steal the moon from the sky for me… but this will have to do.” 

The truth she doesn’t say is that it doesn’t matter what he does for her. As long as they’re together nothing else matters. 

Severus looks at her, like truly looks at her for the first time that night. She’s wearing a dark green slip dress under a leather jacket, with her hair down, but she can’t help feeling like he sees something else. Something deeper, more meaningful in some way she doesn’t understand. 

There was a moment when they were kids, at some sleepover, where she remembers telling him that he was the only person who saw her. In more ways than one, that’s still true. She used to resent it a little, the feeling of being ripped open by another person. The idea that there was someone who knew all of her, even the parts she desperately tried to hide from herself. 

The resentment went away when she realized that it wasn’t one sided. Severus stands in front of her, in a large overcoat and a thin, tattered button down shirt, but she really does see more than that. His hand shaking from the magic, the way his left eye sticks half-shut The wideness in his eyes, like those of a wild animal. Beautiful and caught on the constant cusp of weariness. 

She knows him better than anybody. 

Lily snaps herself out of her trance, blinking twice and shaking her head. She reaches for his hand and quickly breaks into a run, laughing as he struggles to keep up with her. Lily lets go of his hand, “Come on!” 

They’re not even late. It’s possible that Lily just wanted Severus to chase after her. 

After a while of weaving through trees, Lily stops to catch her breath, Severus crashing into her. A shocked giggle erupts from her tired lips, and she catches him, grabbing his hand again. He’s out of breath as well, laughing just a bit. 

“Got…” He heaves, trying to get his words out. “Got you.” 

“Yeah.” She laughs, leaning her head on his shoulder as the two of them continue to walk in uncoordinated steps. “I guess you did.” 

You’ll just have to keep me. Is what she thinks, but doesn’t say. 

Not yet.

The music flows through her veins, like she can feel it in her soul. It’s sound is so loud that it drowns out every single thought in her head. Lily feels weightless, like running on air. She can almost see the soundwaves as they pass them by, drifting off into the wind of an otherwise soundless night. 

The band is good, not the best she’s ever heard, but she doesn’t mind much. It’s not really about the music anyways. It’s rock, but for the life of her she can’t remember the band name. The thought makes her laugh, but the music is so loud that it comes out soundless. Such a juxtaposition, isn’t it? 

It reminds her of Severus, most things do– stars, the sound quills make on parchment, empty cauldrons. But the idea of a sound that makes no noise, something that feels and breathes apologetically. 

Severus Snape is a paradox, he’s an archetype of himself. Entirely cliche and incredibly complex at the same time. He’s beautiful and cruel and he’s brilliant. But he’s also sad, and he stares at her like she’s hung the moon in the sky. And she knows, as easily as she knows everything else about him, that he would’ve stolen the moon for her if he could. 

Lily doesn’t feel like a person when they’re together, she feels like a character in a film. All the things she feels, the thoughts that run through her head like the flow of a current, it feels too fantastical, too infinite to be finite. 

She looks over, and he’s already looking at her, watching as she sways to the music, entirely off beat when she sings under her breath. But he looks anyway. Lily grins at him, watching the way his head nods to the beat of the music without even realizing it. His head twitches, and his grip on her hand tightens. 

The band switches to something slower, a love song. And it’s so cliche, but Lily twirls around and forces him into a dance anyways. It’s hard because it’s so crowded, and she can’t hear a thing he says with the speaker right next to them. People stare. Lily doesn’t look at anybody but Severus and the band. 

The thought crosses her mind, as the band plays, that she loves Severus. But that doesn’t feel entirely true. Love is an idea– a feeling that seems much too light, and entirely too simple. She’s Seventeen years old, but she’s sure that whatever is out there– soulmates, soulbonds, they have it. 

If you know you know, as they say, then Lily was born knowing. Love is inadequate. It’s stronger than that. They haven’t invented words to describe what she feels. 

She knows the war is coming, she can feel it. Everybody can. And by morning, they’ll go home and have to deal with their respective families and whatnot. But she also knows, like an instinct, that this feeling will live on, even if they don’t.

A couple more songs pass before Severus grips her hand, leading her back through the crowd the way they came. They stop a ways away, on a hill by the treeline past the festival, elevated so they can still hear the music but they’re up and away from everybody else. They sit down silently, Lily resuming her place with her head leaned on his shoulder. The festival is supposed to go on all night, so they can stay until the sun goes up and they have to catch the train. 

They watch as fireworks erupt from behind the stage. It’s such a muggle thing, all the working parts that cause the fireworks to go up in the air. She wonders if he resents it the way he used to. She didn’t understand that when she was younger, too impaired by her youth to comprehend a feeling so complicated. 

In a way, she gets it now. The way he was treated by his dad, she understands how that changed his view on muggles. The thought brings out a protectiveness in her, a feeling that makes her want to jump in front of him, and extend her arms, yelling, “He’s mine.” 

Another thought occurs to her on the same train, and she straightens up. “Did Dumbledore talk to you about the Order?” 

Severus looks down at her. “He tried.” 

She nods. “Reckon he wants to get you before the other side does. You’re valuable, you know.” 

“He wants you too.” Severus murmurs, “You’re just as powerful as I.” 

Lily supposes that’s true. They duel all the time, her and Severus, they make a show out of it. People watch, take bets. Some get scared, because they think that one of them will get hurt. But they won’t. Mary asked her about it once, about what would happen if she missed and one of Severus’s curses hit her. But she hadn’t even considered it. 

Severus wouldn’t hurt her. And more importantly: Lily wouldn’t miss. 

But then something else pops into her mind, and she looks over. “You wouldn’t… the other side. Because I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m not trying to control you, but it’s not just my life that’s in danger.”

It’s the one thing, the one thing that she couldn’t handle from him. That betrayal, she thinks it might actually kill her. 

He waits for a moment, and seems to choose his words very carefully. “If it’s between you and the dark arts,” She doesn’t hold her breath, because somehow she already knows. “It’s you, Lily.” 

She grins. “Yeah?” 

Severus smiles a bit, like he’s thought of an inside joke she doesn’t know. He looks down and says something under his breath that she doesn’t catch.

“Hm?” Lily says. 

He looks up. “I said, always.” 

Lily leans over, and kisses him on the lips. Just once. And it leaves one of the truest smiles she’s ever seen in its wake. 

The next morning they’re tired, leaning against one another in their compartment with heavy eyes. They’re both used to not sleeping, having developed insomnia together, but it’s been about a week since either of them got a good night’s rest. 

Lily’s head lolls on Severus’s shoulder, and she falls asleep to the sound of his even breathing and the low voices of passerbys. 

She doesn’t let go of his hand until they’re home. 

Rain beats down on her windshield in heavy droplets, racing one another down until they fall off the green car, disappearing into the ground. She watches it happen, soundlessly, the sound of static-filled classic music from the radio drowning out the sound. 

Severus rattles the door handle. Lily can barely see his face through the rain sticking to the window, his figure blurry. She presses the ‘unlock’ button and motions for him to come inside. The door opens, letting in the flurry of sounds from the outside. The birds– the rustle of the trees in the wind. 

He throws a plastic bag on the seat next to him, climbing in the car one foot after the other. After shutting the door, he sighs heavily, using both hands to push his hair out of his eyes. She grins at him before reaching over to dig through the bag. 

It’s filled with a number of things. Two packs of cigarettes, a large bowl of microwaveable soup, three packs of mint gum, two diet soft drinks, and a chocolate bar. 

“How much did you pay for?” She asks innocently, screwing the lid off one of the sodas. 

“Just the chocolate.” 

“Amerature.” Lily comments. It’s an impressive haul, considering he had to shove everything in his coat, but she enjoys picking fun at him nonetheless. 

He grins twitchily, his black hair falling around his face. Severus points out the window, his nails long. “Driving in the rain?” 

It wasn’t raining before he went into the store, the rain having come almost out of nowhere. He’s poking fun at her driving, really. Which is great, by the way. Lily scoffs lightheartedly, giving him a sideways glance as she pointedly starts the car. “I can fly without a broom. I’m sure I can drive in the rain.” 

Severus distrusts muggle devices, but he trusts her. So she knows he doesn’t mind. 

They fall into comfortable conversation as she drives. The air is warm with the summer heat, even as the rain falls down. Severus tells her about a new potion he wants to try brewing, only slightly illegal. And then, eventually, as the day wears on and the roads blend into one another, they fall into an easy silence. 

He falls asleep for a while, book on his lap. She finds herself glancing over several times, to make sure he’s still breathing. Severus is very quiet in his sleep, silent and entirely unguarded when it’s around her. She’s seen him fall asleep alone, his eyes scrunch up and he tosses and turns. But that never seems to happen when she’s the last thing he sees. 

It makes her heart physically hurt with the weight of it. 

Lily’s hands feel stiff on the steering wheel, and her eyes are staring to droop, but she doesn’t stop driving. She doesn’t know exactly where they are, only where they’re going. They picked a place on a map and set off. 

It’s easier than people think it is, leaving everything behind. 

She could leave her room, and her bed, and everything she ever knew, in the blink of an eye. Because what mattered, what really pushed her, is that there was a chance she’d never see him again if they both fought in the war. 

So either she dies first, or they leave it all behind together. 

Obviously she chose the latter. 

Day bleeds into night, Severus wakes up after his short-lived slumber, extending his arm halfway out the window once the rain stops. Neither of them know where they are, or what will happen. But they’re together. 

Always.