inconsolable
“Good morning,” James said, seeing Regulus emerge from the room looking a bit disoriented. Regulus turned around before he’d finished, then his eyes trailed up until he met James’. “Fuck.”
“Well hello to you too.” James smirked.
Regulus pushed past James and went right back into the bedroom, shutting the door. A couple seconds later he put his bag outside the door and disappeared again to get changed. James wandered into the kitchen and put toast in the toaster. He wrapped it in a napkin and put it in the front pocket of Regulus’ bag. Then Regulus came out, grabbed his bag and stalked toward the door. He put his shoes on, not even tying the laces, stood up and froze for a second, then quickly turned around and muttered a ‘thanks’ and left.
James shook his head, suddenly aware that he’d just been standing there, frozen for the past ten seconds and hurried toward the door. He opened it and looked out, down his corridor, but Regulus had disappeared. A common theme with him it seemed.
He went back inside intending to be productive, but when does that ever happen, especially when intended? He took out all the things he meant to pack, but then couldn't decide on whether his outfits were formal enough for the conference, or how many t-shirts to pack.
It was all a bit much and it was still before nine in the morning. All he could do was think about Regulus and his mixed signals and his small smirk, and his usual scowl and his wide eyes and…well he may have been overthinking. Just a little. He reviewed his notes, or at least tried, but kept reading the same three sentences again and again without processing them so he gave up on that too. He opened his phone but tossed it to the other side of the room as soon as he did. He was feeling restless and getting a caged, claustrophobic feeling. So naturally he texted Sirius, who, thankfully, responded immediately.
10:09
jamessssss :) : do u want to go for drinks
padfoot <3: delighted to! now??
jamessssss :) : its like 10 in the morning
padfoot <3: yes and??
padfoot <3: wait actually i have something in like 20 mins
jamessssss :) : how unfortunate how about at like 10 pm
padfoot <3: wonderful 10 it is
padfoot <3: moony and a couple others were thinking of doing drinks or something should i text them as well
jamessssss :) : the more the merrier
The hours actually crawled by. Passed at the speed of dripping molasses. Fucking slow is how the next twelve hours felt. He put on music, trying the rid the suffocating silence.
But hey!
Where have you been?
If you go, I will surely die
We're chained
He forced himself to go on a walk a while after texting Sirius and after that he texted Remus for a bit about anything and everything, then almost texted Regulus but thought better of it, then though about Regulus for a good while, until he started pacing, then took out the only puzzle he owned and was reminded why he hated puzzles so much. The afternoon passed in a similar manner. He would try to be productive or pack and then try to distract himself. Nothing worked though.
He did, against his better judgement, end up texting Regulus about six hours later.
14:13
unknown number: hey! i hope you are feeling at least mildly better??
He did not get a response back despite the fact that Regulus read the text three minutes later.
He went to pick up his car from Sirius’ after texting him, he wasn’t home unfortunately so James took the bus there and then drove around for a bit once he’d collected it. When he got home it was still quite a while to ten pm. He began trying to kill time again.
The time on his phone screen did in fact finally flip to nine forty-five, which he figured was an acceptable time to leave, even though he’d be about ten minutes early, and he knew that Sirius would be at least ten minutes late even with Remus hurrying him along. This was after making himself what he decided could pass as dinner and getting ready (throwing on a t-shirt, jeans and a denim jacket).
Surprisingly (very surprisingly) Sirius and Remus had gotten there before him. He had ended up stuck in traffic due to an accident but it was only 10:02 when he arrived and he didn’t expect them to show up for at least another ten minutes.
He walked into the bar, looking at his phone and immediately looked up upon hearing Sirius’ voice.
“Hey! Prongs!”
“Sirius!” He walked over and Sirius handed him a drink as they sat at the bar together.
“How’ve you been?”
“As if you didn’t see me like two days ago,” James scoffed.
“Exactly, two days is a long fucking time James. So?”
“So literally nothing. Like, I don’t know what you want from me, nothing new has been going on. I do have to start packing though.” He ordered another drink, he didn’t feel like worrying about the upcoming week.
“James!”
“What?”
“You haven’t started packing?” Sirius raised an eyebrow at him.
“...No”
“You leave tomorrow.”
“Yeah, says you. You start packing the day you leave usually.”
“Exactly, therefore you get to learn from my mistakes. Fortunately for you, there are quite a few. Have you gotten room assignments?” His glance cut away for a second and James followed it to see Remus talking to a redhead that looked oddly familiar.
“No, there was an issue so we get them when we check in tomorrow or the day after. Hey, who’s Moony talking to?”
“Lily. Lily Evans. She’s, like, his best mate I think. Other than us of course. I think she was in our year, she transferred in from another school or something after year ten.”
“Hmm.” They were silent for a second, Sirius still staring at them with a gaze that seemed a million miles away. James squinted at the redhead, Lily, again. She really did look familiar.
“Oh! Oh my god.” James started laughing hysterically. Sirius’ eyes snapped back to James upon his outburst and Sirius raised his eyebrows and asked,
“Yes James, dearest?”
“Well,” James tried to collect himself, wiping at the corners of his eyes, “Well, you see,” he started giggling again and continued, “you see, I think I hooked up with her in year twelve now that you mention it,” then he completely lost it again, finding this hilarious.
“You know, it wasn’t even a good idea, we were both somewhat drunk I think and then, and then, she left maybe? But it wasn’t all that bad. Except I liked someone else. So did she I think. Maybe? Nice person though.” Then he doubled over laughing again.
“You fucked Lily!?”
“Mhmm,” James was now mildly more composed, sipping from what felt like his thousandth drink, but was probably (hopefully) only, like, his third? Fourth? The night had felt like an eternity but also he never wanted morning to come.
“Lily Evans?”
“I have fucked a lot of people,” James nodded sagely.
“Okay, one, ew, you’re my best mate and I absolutely didn’t need that. I need the information on how your abysmal love life is going not the people you fuck ‘cause usually you hook up with random people when you really, really feel like shit. And they’re usually kind of shitty people. Two, I’m like ninety-nine percent sure Lily’s a lesbian. Or at least doesn’t like men. A crying shame. But yes very, very queer. Like the best of us.”
“One, rude, my love life is going better than yours, Mr. Let Me Pine Endlessly Over My Best Mate Who Almost Definitely Likes Me Back. And also I’ve blocked all the shitty people. Two, good for her, but yeah I’m pretty sure I fucked her. Probably like a pressure-to-hook-up-with-a-guy thing that all the girls had going in secondary. Although I suppose we had the same thing, like, there was such a pressure to have sex. Teenagers are strange.”
“Keep it down, he probably doesn’t like me back and yeah, they’re scary individuals, nobody was a good person as a teenager. Thank God it’s over. Ugh.”
“Oh he definitely likes you back. Have you seen the soft little puppy eyes he does at you?” James gagged. “Absolutely and awfully gross the way you two look at each other.” Sirius turned red and blushed. James just started cackling again.
Sirius jumped in his seat as Remus came up behind him, putting his hands on his shoulders. James smirked after he’d finally composed himself, “Speak of the devil.” Remus pointed at himself and raised his eyebrows, as if to say, me? James’ smirk only widened as he nodded. Sirius gave him a look that could freeze fire and then turned to Remus, clearing his throat and said, “Only good things…mostly.” And James could’ve sworn he winked, but Sirius was turned facing away from him.
Sirius said something else which James did not catch in all the noise, but he saw Remus’ eyes soften and leaned over to whisper in Sirius’ ear, “puppy eyes,” which caused Sirius to double over choking and coughing.
Remus asked if he was alright, to which James responded, “oh he’s absolutely perfect,” smiling and patting Sirius on the back. The song changed and Sirius and James immediately looked at each other and burst out laughing. “Oh, you two are quite drunk aren’t you?” James looked at Remus gleefully. “As if we don’t act like this normally,” and then turning to Sirius, “care to dance?”
“Fair point,” Remus muttered at the same time that Sirius practically shouted over the chatter and music, “Absolutely delighted to!” James pulled him out to the dance floor. Lily wandered over and, seeing James and Sirius goofing off and dying laughing on the dance floor, dragged Remus out as well.
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The song changed again and James, with a glint in his eye, spun Sirius over to Remus. Lily met his eyes and broke into a wide grin, releasing Remus to Sirius and wandering over to where James was.
“Well hello,” James said as soon as she was close enough to hear him over the din.
“Hi, I take it you’re James then.”
“And you’re Lily.”
“That would be me.”
James studied her green eyes and probably on account of the alcohol, but maybe not, he was quite chaotic normally anyway, said, “We hooked up in year twelve, yeah?”
Lily burst out laughing and responded, “I wondered if you’d remember.”
“I think it’s the hair. Or maybe the eyes. Either way, apparently you’re a memorable person.”
Lily raised an eyebrow and said, “And taken. I’m also a very taken person, so don’t even try the whole flirting thing with me, James Potter.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” James smirked. He caught sight of something in his peripheral vision and looked over to see Remus spinning Sirius and both of them laughing.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
“They really fancy each other don’t they?” Lily commented.
James snorted, “Yeah. Idiots.”
“Ugh, I know I wish they’d just…”
“Get over the whole ‘he can’t like me, he’s one of my best mates and I’d ruin our friendship by confessing anything’?”
Lily chuckled, “Yeah. That.”
James met her eyes again and then gasped.
“Oh my god. Oh, I just had the most genius idea of all time.” In his excitement, James lost his balance and stumbled into her. They both stumbled backwards until Lily took his arm and set him upright again.
“Oh, you’re so drunk right now. Do I even want to hear this?”
“Probably not. Oh, Remus said that to us earlier. And I’m not even that drunk. I think.” James frowned and then seeming to remember something said, “Oh! But my idea, yes. Okay, so I think we should get them together.”
“We,” Lily gestured between herself and James, “should get them,” she then pointed at Remus and Sirius, still spinning around on the dancefloor, “together?”
“Exactly!”
“Um, entertaining this idea, which I’m not sure I should do, but suppose I did, how would we even do that?”
“Oh,” James’ face fell and he looked to be deep in thought, “I’m not sure.”
“Right, okay, if you think of anything concrete we can talk. For now, I think you need some water.”
“Mmm, but alcohol.”
“Water.”
Sirius and Remus stumbled over, holding hands and smiling, as Lily and James made their way over to the bar.
James got them all waters, despite Lily and Remus protesting that they weren’t drunk (Sirius tried to protest as well but clearly that didn’t work).
At one point, Sirius dipped his fingers in the water and sprayed James in the face, which James tried to respond to by doing the same, except his coordination wasn’t the greatest so he ended up accidentally spilling half the glass onto Sirius’ shirt (thankfully none got on his leather jacket, otherwise James would be dead).
Remus, Lily and James burst out laughing while Sirius stared at them protesting in indignation.
“Oh, you two are pissed,” Remus pushed his water toward James.
“As if you're not high off your ass.”
“Mmm, that’s different.”
“Mmm, no.” They all gulped their waters and when Sirius started ranting about doors and icing sets and other random household objects, James called an Uber, deciding that he should probably make sure Sirius got home, but then realising that he needed to get home and pack as well. Remus decided to come with them and Lily called her girlfriend to pick her up, who, miraculously, was still awake, because according to Lily, she didn’t sleep, or at least not consistently.
The Uber dropped Remus and Sirius in their flat first and then dropped James, who had forgotten how bad his flat looked until he stepped foot inside. It looked like all his clothes and belongings had exploded and been spread to every single corner of his house. This was the result of his attempts to be productive that morning. It only made it harder to find everything, so he threw a bunch of stuff in his suitcase and then tore through the flat trying to find his specific stuff that he actually needed and then after brushing his teeth, threw together a kit bag and fought to close the damn suitcase.
His flat still looked trashed by the end, but his head was pounding and he’d given his Ibuprofen to Regulus (his stomach may have flipped just thinking about it, but it was probably the alcohol), so he went to sleep, deciding that no one was going to see his flat for a week anyway and he could clean later.
~~
The next morning was a whirlwind. He dragged himself out of bed and lugged his suitcase down to the street and put it into his car, then got in and immediately plugged his phone into the speaker. Then he opened Maps and found the location of the conference.
Sirius called a couple minutes later.
“James!”
“Sirius!” There was a muffled noise and then he swore and said, “Are you already on your way?”
“Yes, what was that? And why are you up?”
“Tripped. Anyway, I was going to offer to drive you at least a bit of the way, you should’ve called, I was going to come over! Hence, you know the waking up at some ungodly time, ugh, I don’t know how you do this every. Single. Day. It sucks.”
“I just pulled out, but also you hate driving and absolutely not, go spend your Sunday with your boyfriend or at least prepare for the week.”
“My WHAT?!”
“Oh, did you and Remus not…”
“NO JAMES,” James laughed, he could absolutely picture Sirius turning beet red with embarrassment.
“Well you were giving each other heart eyes or something. Honestly I was third wheeling, you two need to talk and fast ‘cause this is awk-ward.” James sing-songed ‘awkward’ and Sirius groaned.
“Whatever.”
“Excuse you! Not whatever, that’s my best mate’s love life you're talking about, you know.”
Sirius groaned again. Then James heard Remus’ voice and Sirius saying, “nothing, just talking with James,” and then Remus joined the conversation.
“Hey James!”
“Moony!”
“Are you on your way to the conference then?”
“Yeah, driving up, but Christ, even on a Sunday morning the traffic is shit.”
“Ugh, sorry mate, I know Sirius offered to drive, but thank God you didn’t take him up on that.” Remus and James started laughing, and Sirius sputtered indignantly. It was no secret that Sirius hated driving and his driving wasn’t…the best, to put it kindly. Which was why he had his motorbike.
They talked a bit more, mostly about students and other professors and how their classes were going and after about half an hour Remus went to take a shower and then another hour after that James had to stop to get gas and Sirius decided he should probably go because “Remus is trying too drag me out of the flat, how cruel,” but of course he went because “it’s Moony, James” to which James responded in a sing-song voice, “you fancy him!” like a child. Sirius threatened to hang up. That being said he didn’t until they’d both said good-bye.
He got gas and picked up food (a loose term for a collection of whatever random snacks the store at the gas station carried) and then looked at the map and opened his music app, scrolling through his playlists.
Still I wait on the ground, I don't know what for
There, there is a heart in here
Where, where is the heart in here?
This love's killing me, but I want it to
So long you're gone, just like I always knew
But I'm still here waiting for you
The drive took about a bit over three and a half hours in total and James was mildly exhausted by the time he got there. The location was set up something like a star. There were technically five ‘categories’ within the conference, so there were five buildings along with the large hotel in the middle which had been rented out for the conference. The conference was for professors but one building was for talks about STEM, one for the arts (there was an art display and then a couple performances as well as the seminars), one for languages, one for humanities, and one for business.
He parked in one of the car parks on the outskirts of the buildings and walked over to the hotel building. There were a couple people milling about and James watched as he waited for the person in front of him to check in.
The conference started the next day but most people did not want to start driving up at whatever hour it took to get there at 8 am. The lady at the check-in was nice, she told him that due to a couple of issues with their lists and schedules, room assignments had been all messed up and she could theoretically find the name of the person he was rooming with, it would just take a while, but if they had any complaints to come down and talk to her directly. Also that the person probably wouldn’t be in his department (that is, humanities), but it was a good chance to get to know more people. James smiled and thanked her, deciding that he’d find out if his roommate was tolerable when he got to the room. She gave him the key and told him to enjoy the conference.
He went to get into the lift, but it was terribly crowded so he walked over to the stairs, putting his earbuds in.
Couldn’t let it be
Couldn't let you see
If I could've done better, then you know I would've
James looked at the number on the card: 293. It was all the way down the corridor and he had to backtrack twice and ended up going in a circle to find it. He opened the door, seemingly startling the person who was already in there. The person was laying on the bed, reading with earbuds in and James could only see their dark wavy hair from the doorway. The person looked over and their eyes locked.
We're from a long line of people
We'd describe as inconsolable
We don't know how to be helped
“Regulus?!”
You go hidin' in your house, tryin' to be your own savior
Why can't you see?
I love you, even
When you're actin' out on your worst behavior
But I know why
You won't let me inside