why can't I be you?
James didn’t know what he was doing with his life. It had all seemed to go downhill from uni. Maybe even before then. He’d recently gotten a job offer to teach a History of Culture and Identity course which had sent him spiralling, questioning what he was even doing with his life and how he was functioning. He’d thought about it for a while, solidly content with where he was, not happy but hey, at least he wasn’t absolutely hating it (he was, he just told himself he wasn’t), until deciding that he would take it the day before they would have retracted the offer. It was a stressful few months.
He decided to take it for a number of reasons. One being that it was a safe job, near everyone he knew which would be good, he wasn’t sure why he’d moved away from all of them in the first place, and he was excited to see them. Two, it was interesting material and he’d been teaching for a while so he wouldn’t be going in blind, three, because he needed the money and he could crash with Sirius, and four, he needed out from the current life he was living. Also, five, it was 2:30 am, could anyone expect him to make rational decisions? (the fact that he’d typed out a coherent email astounded him). These among other reasons.
He’d texted Sirius as soon as he’d gotten the offer (of course Sirius had responded ‘wHy ARE YOU EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS, tAKe THE dAMN OFFER’). They’d talked about it of course, but James had tried to veer the conversation away every time it came up. It was a random Tuesday night when he'd texted Sirius:
3:02
jamessssss :) : can u call i need a drink
3:13
padfoot <3: my dearest lovely james: what did you do????
padfoot <3: by which i mean ofc id be delighted :)))))
jamessssss :) : …i took the offer
Sirius had proceeded to call him and squeal for at least a solid ten seconds before asking: “how are you doing?”
“I-I don’t…know,” James paused to think, “I mean good I think, it’ll be a good change. But weird. But good weird.”
They’d then proceed to laugh and talk and drink until Sirius suddenly said, “Shit, I think I have to go to brunch in, like, three hours.”
“Brunch?”
“Yeah, it’s like a couple of professors and we’re just eating and talking and shit before the term starts.”
“Hmm, will Remus be there?” Sirius had called him drunk one time and started sobbing about ‘how pretty his eyes are, they’re like chocolate and he loves chocolate, and his hair and…” until James had finally figured out that he was talking about Remus, which wasn’t too big a surprise since James had been about 99% sure that Sirius had had a huge crush on him in secondary school.
“Oh, shut up.”
“Ha! So he will.”
“I’m hanging up.”
James gasped, “You wouldn’t.”
“Oh I absolutely would.”
“Fine, have fun at your brunch with Remus.” James sing-songed Remus’ name and then started cackling. Sirius hung up, but only after saying goodbye. Sue him, they were best friends.
James had moved in a week later. It was a long drive and he’d packed the contents of his small flat into the back of his car.
He hooked his phone up to the car and started one of his many, many playlists.Hotel California came on. Suddenly all James could think about was how trapped he’d felt. Hopefully that would change. He started driving seeing his flat get smaller in the rearview mirror. Good riddance, he’d had no attachment to that place anyway.
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice
And she said, “We are all just prisoners here of our own device”
It had been almost a month since then and James was happier being around all his old friends. He’d gone to see the lecture hall a couple of times but mostly he’d been setting up lesson and lecture plans on his computer. He was in the middle of setting up one of the lectures when he felt a buzzing in his back pocket. He found that he’d put his phone in there (and proceeded to forget about it entirely) and that Sirius, who was out getting dinner with Remus (‘no not like that James’) had texted him.
21:32
padfoot <3: which building are you in?????
padfoot <3: i lied nvm i got it
padfoot <3: wAIT
padfoot <3: yoURE iN REGGIES buILDING
jamessssss :) : wait Reggie like Regulus as in your brother???
padfoot <3: yesssss :D my baby brother Regulus
jamessssss :) : isnt he like a year younger than u
padfoot <3: whatever
padfoot <3: anyway this is great
padfoot <3: you can make friends
jamessssss :) : wait me and Regulus
padfoot <3: yes
padfoot <3: obviously who else???
jamessssss :) : pads i havent seen him in like
jamessssss :) : idk 6 years
padfoot <3: so???????????????
padfoot <3: im gonna text him
padfoot <3: no actually im gonna call him he wont respond
James returned to the small table with his iced coffee and went back to doing his lesson plan. Or trying to do his lesson plan. He could practically only think about what had just happened and a pale man with short black hair and grey eyes. He didn’t get very far on his plans after that.
A few hours later, Sirius got back to the flat and James decided to try to get some sleep. He waited for Sirius to get ready for bed and rooted around the small bookshelf for something adequate. He settled on ‘Maurice’ finding it shoved in the back of a haphazardly perched stack of books.
The next morning he woke up around 6:45 and found Sirius sleeping soundly on the air mattress he’d set up. James had insisted that he would take it and they’d argued on who would sleep on it (almost both sleeping on the floor) until they’d decided that they’d take turns.
James unplugged his phone and padded out to the small living room/dining room area. He got bored fairly quickly after finishing what little he had of his book and scrolling on Instagram for a while. He decided to text the only person he knew would be awake. Except maybe Regulus, who knew, maybe he was a morning person.
7:56
James :D : are u awake
moonyyyyy: yeah why
James :D : im bored
moonyyyyy: ok
James :D : ok what
moonyyyyy: idk
moonyyyyy: ummm do you want to go for a walk or something
James :D : ok!!! let me put on proper clothes tho
James :D : can u meet me by the main building
moonyyyyy: sure!
James ran into the room and then remembered that Sirius was still sleeping so he tiptoed toward an open suitcase lying in a pile of clothes (he still hadn’t properly unpacked everything), picking out random clothes and went to the bathroom to change and brush his teeth, shutting the door quietly.
He found Remus sketching on the lawn in front of the main building about ten minutes later. They walked around for a bit, talking, and then Remus asked,
“Where are you staying?”
“With Sirius.”
“Oh.”
James’ brows furrowed, “why?”
“No, I mean I was going to offer you my flat if you didn’t have anywhere.”
He turned to face Remus, “Sure, and where would you stay?”
“I don’t know, probably look for a flat on the other side of campus.”
James opened his mouth to say something but then interrupted himself, “Wait, like where Sirius lives?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“Hmm, and where exactly is your flat?”
“Like, on the opposite side, I don’t know, near the roundabout with the huge tree.”
“Okay wait, hold on, I think that’s where I have class.”
“Would you want to move into my flat, or even like, a flat nearby?”
James paused, an idea surfacing. He almost laughed aloud but instead said, “What if you moved in with Sirius and I took your flat. Don’t worry, it’s honestly fine if you don’t want to, it’s only like, an extra ten minutes to drive.”
“Would Sirius be okay with it?”
“That wasn’t a no?”
“No, I mean I - I think if he’s fine with it, it would make the most sense because I have classes near where his flat is and you have them near mine, so. I - Even if it was just until I found a flat near there or something. But like, no pressure on him or anything.”
“One second,” he opened his phone and texted Sirius.
9:19
jamessssss :) : what would you say if i asked remus to move in with u
jamessssss :) : sirius
9:20
jamessssss :) : sIRIUS
9:21
padfoot <3: im sry what?!?!!???
jamessssss :) : remus movng in with u
jamessssss :) : yay or nay??
padfoot <3: ummm context???
jamessssss :) : that wasnt part of teh question
jamessssss :) : according to remus it would make sense because I have classes near where his flat is and he teaches near urs
jamessssss :) : so he’d move in with u and id take his flat
padfoot <3: james
jamessssss :) : yes???
padfoot <3: youve asked him havent you
jamessssss :) : perhaps? :)
padfoot <3: ok i mean if he wants to yes yes yes but dont tell him it like that bc actually no pressure and he shouldnt worry
jamessssss :) : great!!
James cleared his throat turning back to Remus. “He said yes but then told me to tell you no pressure and not to worry. But also, there were three yeses so I think it’s fine.”
Remus smiled and said, “Okay, when do you want to start moving in?”
“I mean we have like, three days before we have to start teaching so do you want me to lug my stuff over today?”
“Sure, we can sort of switch I suppose.”
“Great, lovely!”
They moved to other topics of conversation until his phone buzzed almost an hour later.
10:16
padfoot <3: where are you
jamessssss :) : with remus
padfoot <3: no ik but where
jamessssss :) : near the big courtyard
padfoot <3: do you want to meet at the cafe in like 15 mins
jamessssss :) : sure hold on let me ask remus
“Sirius is asking if we can meet at the cafe?”
“Yeah, should we head over?”
James nodded, “Let me text him.”
They met Sirius at the cafe on campus and all chatted for a few minutes until Remus’ phone buzzed with a reminder. He had a meeting with one of the other professors in his section so he told them he’d see them soon and James could have sworn he winked at Sirius.
“Did he just wink at you?” James hissed.
Sirius turned mildly red, “What, no,” he laughed nervously and ran a hand through his hair, “absolutely not.”
“Sureeeeee,” James retorted, smirking.
“You know what?”
“What?”
Sirius’ eyes lit up and his lips curled into a small smile. “I’m going to call Reggie.”
James almost started choking, but refrained, coughing and gulping water instead.
“Call Regulus.”
“Yes dearest James, Regulus, my brother, I’m going to ask him to come here.”
“Here?” For some godforsaken reason, James’ voice squeaked.
Sirius rolled his eyes, “Yes here. To this cafe.”
Sirius opened his phone and looked to be texting someone, supposedly Regulus.
“Okay,” Sirius said, turning off his phone, looking very triumphant, “He’s coming.”
“Delightful,” James said.
James' phone started vibrating violently to the point that it almost fell off the table. He turned it over, glancing at the caller ID. He almost turned it off again and put it back facedown on the table, but his brain registered the name on the screen (conference people or whatever) as he went to turn it off.
“Shit! Oh my god, the place, they’re calling, oh god.”
Sirius looked confused for a second and then a look of realisation dawned on his face and he picked James’ phone up and told him, “I’m picking up.”
“Ummm, I mean - I don’t,” James scrubbed a hand over his face, breathed and said, “Okay, okay, yeah.”
Sirius dragged his finger across the small screen and practically threw it at James, who made a face and then started exchanging pleasantries with the person on the other side of the phone. He went silent for a few moments and then covered the speaker and mouthed to Sirius It’s fucking loud in here, to which Sirius pointed towards the door. James nodded and got up whispering I’ll be right back as he left.
His mind was going a hundred miles per hour as he talked to the manager of the conference. He was nice enough and the point James got from it was that they’d accepted him. He almost dropped his phone when the guy said it outright, which resulted in some awkward apologising.
He walked back toward the cafe as the man was saying,
“We’ll be in contact,” to which James responded, still mildly astounded, “Yeah, yes, thank you so much.”
He pushed open the door to see Sirius on his phone, as he was sitting back down, the bell on the door made a jingling sound and James turned his head to see a tall, lean man practically storm in.
Sirius started waving at the man as soon as he caught sight of him. James could only assume this was Regulus. Who had grown up. No shit, he thought to himself, it had, after all, been over six years (give or take a week). As he got closer, James saw the same pale skin and short dark curls as always, same grey eyes and worn black bag slung over his shoulder.
James gave him a small wave. Something flashed across his face, but just as quickly it was gone. He waved back and then turned his attention to Sirius as he said excitedly,
“Reggie!”
“Sirius,” Regulus said impassively.
“I got you a chocolate-raspberry thing,” Sirius slid the plate with the pastry he’d acquired while James was out toward Regulus.
“Thank you,” Regulus said in the same impassive tone, almost bored? No, that wasn’t quite the word.
James zoned out, contemplating the time that had passed since he’d last seen Regulus Black (that was before about a week ago). There was a hell of a lot of time to contemplate.
“James, would you pass me the knife?” James snapped back to reality and passed the butter knife on his plate to Sirius, delighting in the delicate clinking noise.
James’ attention was called back to Regulus as he could’ve sworn Regulus muttered his name softley. But when James looked back up at him, he had the same expression, not looking very much like he could’ve just muttered the name of the man sitting in front of him for no particular reason.
A second later Regulus abruptly got up, picking his pastry up but saying nothing and hefted his bag back over his shoulder as he walked out.
James looked at Sirius, who stared after his brother, then looked at James and shrugged.
“Who knows?” Sirius said, unsurprised.
“It wasn’t me, was it?”
“James, my brother does things his way and doesn’t bother to explain. He is terribly dramatic about it at times too. Not as much as me, obviously, but still.” Sirius flipped his hair over his shoulder.
“Alright,” James said, still mildly unconvinced.
“How was the call?” Sirius’ face lit up as he turned to face James.
James smiled, “I got it!”
“Yessss, see I told you!”
“Yeah, well.”
“So did you get any, like, actually relevant information?”
“Not really, I mean I already know the date of the conference and the topic I interviewed for, and I don’t find out who I’m rooming with and shit until, like, a week before the actual thing.”
“Yeah, that’s good though, you know all the important stuff I suppose.”
The conversation lulled as they drank their coffee until Sirius asked,
“Hey, want help dragging all your stuff to Remus’?”
James smiled, “You just want me out of there, don’t you.”
Sirius looked offended and scoffed, “Absolutely not.”
“Mhm, but what about Remus.”
Heat rose to Sirius’ face as he said, “James no. You are my best mate, whatever goes on with Remus.”
“I know padfoot, I was only joking, but if it helps, one, you are my best mate too, always. Two, ‘whatever goes on with Remus,’” James scoffed, “yeah right, you two are going to get married, and then I’ll get to say, I called it!, and then I’ll be whatever the title is, like, the best man or something.”
Sirius was blushing as he said, “You have no idea what you’re talking about, but fine if I ever were to get married, not necessarily to Remus, really I don’t think he thinks of me like that, I’m offended you think I would make anyone else my best man. Except maybe Reggie, but still, you would get the fancy title, yes James.”
James tried not to catch on Regulus’ name and instead said, “Do I have to start listing instances of when you both have been so obviously oblivious to each other? Because there are quite a few.”
“Oh shut up James,” Sirius laughed, “Let’s get your stuff.”
“Fine, fine yes let’s go.”
They somehow managed to fit all James’ stuff in two trips (in fairness James had done it all in one when he drove down) and they dumped it in Remus’ mostly empty or boxed up flat. They moved all of Remus’ remaining boxes to Sirius’ flat, leaving the furniture, dishes, etc. there because Sirius’ flat had that already.
By the time Sirius left it looked like the place had been through an explosion, there were boxes half unpacked and things strewn about everywhere.
James stayed at the flat for a while, unpacking his essentials, trying to sort through the mess and trying to find in which boxes he had shoved different things (or where they’d been thrown already). He started doing lecture prep and then read for a while until his eyes couldn’t focus on the line in front of him. He sat and paced aimlessly but after a short while, he got stir crazy and picked up his phone and keys and walked out. He didn’t know where he was going, so he wandered around the streets near the apartment complex in the dark, under the streetlamps, the cool wind biting his skin.
He decided to go into the building where he was giving lectures and classes. He went around to where he’d parked his small car and started it, relishing the heat that blasted out of the air vents as soon as it turned on.
He drove the three minutes that it now took him to get down to the building and parked in the practically empty car park.
He went in fumbling with the shiny plastic keycard they’d given him and walked down the eerily silent hallways. Schools at night were mildly terrifying in James’ opinion. But it was nice that everything was still and silent, not buzzing with students or the stress of the uncaffeinated teachers that always came in too early.
He found the lecture hall he’d be doing his lectures in and went in. He walked around the small hall and then decided to explore the rest of the building. He walked aimlessly down a few hallways, trying to get his bearings (he was pretty sure he had somehow gotten to the opposite side of the building), and then saw a light at the end of one. He turned around and went through that one, deciding that he would either save energy by turning a light that had been left on off or meet a new teacher (or get brutally murdered, the back of his consciousness that had clearly watched one too many horror movies, said).
He reached the end of the hallway to find that the light had been turned off and he was feeling particularly horror-movie-protagonist-like, when he saw a silhouette.
He followed the person around the corner and out a small side door. As the motion-sensor light went on, the person’s curly hair, duffel bag, and sweater were illuminated. They were walking very fast and James had to run to catch up as they walked to the further end of the car park. He caught sight of the profile of their face, only to see that he was right, he knew this person.
He reached the car and James said, a little out of breath, “Regulus,” then paused as Regulus turned slowly, he didn’t know what to say next so he blurted, “hi.”
Regulus scowled at him. “James.”
“I, um, I was just trying to get a sense of the building and I think I saw your light on.”
“So you followed me?”
“Uhh, I mean I guess?”
“What do you want, James?”
“Just saying hi,” James smiled slightly at him.
Regulus nodded and opened the trunk of his car, throwing the giant duffel bag in.
“I’m going now, if you don’t mind.” Regulus said with a mildly sarcastic, maybe?, drawl to his voice.
“Good night Regulus.”
He brushed past James, got in his car and started pulling out, his car making odd sorts of noises as he did. James stood there a second and then walked over to his car getting in and dropping into the seat like a dead weight. His head hit the steering wheel and he didn’t even close the door, resting like that as the car rumbled to life.
James realised that the music had come on as Robert Smith’s voice came through the tinny speakers:
Everything you do is simply delicate
Everything you do is quite angelicate
Why can't I be you?
Why can't I be you?
All James could think of were grey eyes with, he’d realised, little flecks of green. Regulus’ face kept staring back at him as the song went on. Why couldn't he be Regulus? He cursed himself for having the thought. Somehow his godawful brain was able to remember what seemed like every moment with Regulus but not what time his lectures were. Clearly it had priorities. But Regulus was a fellow professor so even if James liked him (which, well, maybe) nothing could happen.
And it seemed that Regulus hated the living daylights out of him when they were actually speaking and not….well. Yes, Regulus hated him and the past week had been a mistake, probably. So. But James’ brain didn’t get the message. Regulus smiling at his friends in secondary school, Regulus with flakes of snow in his hair, reading, in the sun, sitting across the room from James in class, and just today walking into the cafe. All the memories flooded into his brain as he tried to block them out. He turned the music up.
Because please, he scoffed aloud, what with Regulus hating his guts and being a professor in the same school, let alone building, yeah, it was a no. An absolute, resounding, capitalised, No.
Why can't I be you?
You're simply elegant