In A Rush

Regulus and James swiftly detangled from each other, sitting up, while an aghast Sirius watched them in absolute shock. He was frozen in the spot, mouth hanging open, a white plate filled with tomato salad in his hands, contrasting with his black shirt and faded jeans, secured by an also black belt that was visible because of the short length of the shirt. It was a nice outfit, but James thinks the crop tops match him better. His eyeliner was perfectly sharp and thin today, making his blue eyes stand out. And his expression, too. Right now, he looked kinda intrigued, a furrow taking place in between his eyebrows as he silently entered the room. 

Oh, James is in trouble. “So…” James started, trying to make conversation, rubbing the back of his neck without even noticing he was doing so. 

Sirius shook the surprised expression off of his face, replacing it with a rather angry face. “What are you doing?” He questioned, frowning.

Sirius didn’t know what James just learned, so in his head, his eyes are seeing James trying to get in bed with his baby brother, taking advantage of Reggie’s fragile state after a big break up with the man he loves (Elliot) (insert a vomiting emoji here), maybe trying to fulfil the empty this teenage love left on James and trying to end whatever was left of it inside James’ soul. Or he’s just pissed at both of them for getting touchy when he knew how that ended almost a decade ago. Or Sirius is concerned, he’s always concerned. Or–

Regulus interrupted his million thoughts, giving Sirius a proper and simple answer to his question. “We were talking. Just before you barged in without knocking,” Regulus affirmed scornfully, almost throwing Sirius out with only his eyes. He wasn’t lying though. They were just talking. Deep conversations, yes, but that’s just it: conversations. 

James just remained silent, nodding along to Regulus’ affirmation. Sirius must’ve seen the truth in his face, because he relaxed and let out a quick laugh. “God, I was worried you were… you know, back?” He chuckled awkwardly, giving James the plate full of tomatoes.

Yay, snack. 

James smiled thankful, something bugging him. But he can’t quite explain what it is, just… that it doesn’t feel good in the bottom of his stomach. For example, when you’ve done something embarrassing and remember it right before you’re drifting to sleep, interrupting the course of your dreams, that strange feeling takes away all of the drowsiness. He took advantage of the cut tomatoes in his lap to occupy his mouth, avoiding to expose this dizziness that was consuming him. Regulus, however, had other plans. 

“Why do you speak like that would be a bad thing?” Reg questioned, keeping the snarky tone in his voice. Some things never change, Regulus always liked to question every single thing Sirius said just because. It made James laugh, back then. Be that as it may, now he was outright intrigued with Reggie’s petulant comeback and what would Sirius reply. 

They never really talked about it, James and Sirius. Even if they are as thick as thieves since, well, forever, James could never really open up about that few months after. He gave voice to some of his deepest aches to Sirius one time or the other, but never everything. Because how can you tell such things about the one who broke your heart to their brother? James never wanted Sirius to even think that he needed to pick sides or something like that shit. He just wanted them, all of them, to be ok after James made the mistake of falling for someone who didn’t want him. So he swallowed most of what was burning his tongue and pretended it was nothing, that it was okay for their sake. 

Even so, Sirius knew some of the basics. Sirius knew Regulus was James’ biggest heartbreak of all his twenty-six years of life. He knew he was a sensitive topic. He knew there were things James couldn’t talk about. He knew James like no one else. He also knew it took more than a few months at sixteen to get over him. He knew about the drunk breakdowns years after. He knew why James broke up with Jo. He knew why James was relieved when he found out that Michael was cheating. James knows that Sirius probably knows more than he shows, because he is Sirius. He knows James better than himself. He just chooses to respect James' withdrawal about this point of his life. 

“Uh…” Sirius stood there with his mouth hanging slightly open, his eyes reflecting the way he was searching for words but couldn’t find exactly what he was looking for. “I just–” He stopped himself, shaking his head. Eventually, he found something. “It’s not a bad thing.” He firmly stated, even though James could see in his face that wasn’t entirely what he thought about the matter. It’s more complicated than that. It’s more than just ‘it’s not’. “You know what? I’m just gonna let the words out. There’s much more than just that. You both just reconciled, and you–” he pointed at Regulus. “ –There’s a man downstairs that loves you! And you love him! And don’t get me started on you, James. You know exactly how long it took you.” He mouthed the last part only for James to catch. 

How long it took me to get over him. 

Yeah, I know, mate. I know. 

But we’re just friends now. It’s okay. 

It’s okay!

There’s a part of James that’s ashamed to be called out like that. Like he said before, they don’t talk about it. They don’t even acknowledge it most of the time. Especially between him and Reg. They spent years pretending nothing ever happened between the two of them. It was in James’ head, all in his dreams and nightmares, all for himself. He doesn’t enjoy how naked he feels now, to be this exposed in front of him. But Sirius doesn’t know. 

“It’s just… I don’t want to see anyone get hurt, you know?” Sirius sighed, giving up the pose. “I’m worried about him, Regulus. He loves you so much and I just can’t understand why you’re giving him this never ending cold shower. How are you even managing? He’s worried you’re going out with someone else and–” 

Regulus cut him off, half annoyed, half appreciating his brother’s concern about his life, “Sirius! Stop. Now.” Sirius paused his rambling, shooting Regulus and James a confused look. “I– I fell out of love. It happens. Now, will you, please, stop playing matchmaker?” Regulus pleaded, his voice tired, but also kind of relieved he was finally getting that out to his brother. 

“W-what?” 

“You guys want me to leave?” James whispered. It was like he was interrupting something. 

“No.” Both Sirius and Regulus firmly stated without even looking away from each other, locking James in his corner, snacking on tomatoes to stay silent. 

Regulus sighed, giving up in sealing this away from Sirius. “Look. I was trying to get out of that relationship for some years now. But I was scared to hurt Ellie, so I kept going. Turns out, that way I was hurting him and myself, Sirius. I know you love him. I do, too. Just because I’m not in love with Elliot anymore doesn't mean you have to cut him off.” Regulus explained calmly, keeping a soft voice, only to go back to his old self and add a snarky remark, “Do you get it now?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, but there was a smile on his face. “Okay, I see it now, dickhead.”

Regulus did not care about the nickname at all, just ignoring it.“That was what me and James were talking about.”

James nodded, chewing a very deliciously salty tomato. 

“Oh, okay. Makes sense.” Sirius accompanied. “But please, don’t ask me to kick him out. If you want that, ask James.”

James laughed, throwing his head back just like little kids do, “I already offered.”

Sirius chuckled, “Good.”

Regulus shook his head in disapproval, but his lips were forming a big smile. 

“Can we go down now? I’m starving.” Sirius pleaded to both James and Regulus. 

Regulus smirked, “Nobody’s stopping you.”

“Reg…” James reprimanded, but couldn’t keep a straight face on. The giggle he was holding was almost transparent. James very much liked this sassy part of him, to be honest. But it’s better directed to James. So much better. 

“Yeah, whatever.” Regulus kept on smirking, but got up from the bed, offering his hand to James, to help him get up, too. Right when James grabbed his hand, Regulus pulled him up, again with that sassy little smile playing on his lips. “I meant the plate, but this is fine, too.” The plate? OH GOD, THE PLATE! You could see how mortified James is right now from Mars. His dark skin rarely gave away when he was blushing, but this time, man, he was the tomato he ate a few moments before. 

“Right. Sorry.” James said. His voice was so little that it made it even funnier to watch. A (big) grown man flushed like dawn at the beach. Damn, how could he mess that up? Of course it was the fucking plate, not his damn hand. Stupid, stupid, stupid–

Reggie interrupted his thoughts by pulling his right hand a little, so James could snap out of it. Oh. He was still holding James’ hands. Cool. He holds hands with his friends all the time. Normal. “I said I like it,” Regulus whispered, after turning to James, his back facing Sirius in the doorway.  He couldn’t possibly hear it. This makes James a little relieved. Why? Don’t ask, he doesn’t know. 

“Yeah… Me too,” James whispered back, after a questionable time. He zooned out again, those words echoing in the depths of his mind. I said I like it. I like it. I like it. I… like it. Like. Like! 

Sirius cocked an eyebrow, “You too what?” 

“Wanna try out the crêpes I made for dessert.” Regulus answered, going back to face his brother and probably shooting him an annoyed glance, James couldn’t really see, since it was out of his perspective and right now the only thing he is seeing is Regulus hand loosely wrapped around his own, just because. 

“Oh! Yes! I’m dying to try that, too.” Sirius started yapping about some kind of french sweet that is heavenly awesome and everything, as they left the room. But James barely paid attention. He was way too focused on the warmth of those slim pale fingers contrasting with his big brown ones. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, like there was something on his heart, making it grow bigger and bigger, taking all the space his lungs needed to work. It was that, it was Reg. Or it was American Trypanosomiasis. Seriously, though. Reg makes him feel like home. His friendship is something James didn’t know he was missing until it came back right into his hands. A fragile butterfly that you can see the beauty from afar. Tiny, delicate wings holding all the weight of that little body, sustaining this beautiful thing. Yet, there’s worries that it will break, like those paper thin wings. 

The two of them headed downstairs quietly, simply listening to all Sirius had to say about his knowledge of culinary (it wasn’t much), hands tangled until the last stair step. When they knew what they would face in the next room. 

As much as James hates to admit, he feels bad for Elliot and he also doesn’t. Yes, he knows how a heartbreak by Regulus Black works. But he also knows that Elliot was the man that reasoned James’ own heartbreak. When he was only sixteen years old. Yes, he’s petty, so what? James loves Ellie, he truly does. But not the same way he loves Sirius, his parents, Pete or even Reg. It’s different.  

But also. Regulus’ happiness is on the line here, too. He said he wasn’t on the same page as Elliot for some years. Years. It will certainly be better for both of them to do this in a way that the cut is even and clean, stitched up and ready to go, then for it to be a massive wound rotting up, getting worse and worse with the course of time, being impossible to heal in little time. They would both be better that way. Yes, yes they would. 

But would they? 

Regulus, yes, probably. He is the one trying to end it, trying to put a period on this chapter of his story because it’s hurting him. 

But would Elliot? James was there once. In the same place Elliot is now. They were so different back then, yet so alike now. 

Elliot was the fucking opposite of him. James didn’t know, back then, if he should be flattered or miserable by that. James was tall and clumsy, has brown hair and brown skin, curls and big eyes. Elliot was small and elegant, with long, pin straight blond hair, pale skin and small eyes. James was fussy, loud and weird. Elliot, the complete contrary. James was muscular, large and voluminous, even had a small belly in bulking times. Ellie, on the other side, was super thin, never had one extra pound of fat in his entire life. He looked like he could be a famous rockstar, and James… he was just James. 

But right now, he sees it. The resemblances. Both James and Elliot are extremely kind, good people who care deeply about their loved ones. They are also painfully ass kissers of their lovers, their biggest pleasure was attending to their orders. Love languages that stand out in them are physical touch and quality time. They both love loudly. They both fell for Regulus. 

But what did Elliot have, back then, that James did not? What was the missing piece that got James to lose Reg all those years ago? He’ll probably never know. And James isn't even sureif he wants to know. Would, most likely, hurt as hell. 

He also sees himself from nine years ago, in this very house, in a dark kitchen, he sees that James on today’s Elliot. He sees in him what he saw in himself that night. On that train ride. With Barty and Evan and Lily and the younger version of the man at that table. He sympathises with him, even if he doesn’t understand why. Why all of that. Why this? Why James? Why Regulus? 

If little Elliot isn’t Reggie’s person, then who is? Oh, James was so, but so fucking sure there would be wedding invitations coming at the house soon. But then Regulus comes home, tells James half of his relationship wasn’t genuine and that James basically got it all wrong. But it was genuine for Elliot! That’s what keeps bugging James. The exact same thing happened to him that spring. All of a sudden! 

All of a sudden. 

Oh. 

Oh. 

There’s the difference. 

Regulus spent years brooding the feelings he didn’t have for Elliot. But, with James, it was a thing that happened overnight. All of a sudden. Ugh. Maybe one day James will understand what happens in that pretty little mind of his. They’re friends, after all.

###

Dinner was… nice? 

Whatever. It felt kinda awkward, yes. Like you’re in a circle of people trying to get along, except you can’t so you just keep your mouth shut, smile and nod? That’s exactly what it felt like for James having Elliot there. Weird vibes, but tolerable. 

Regulus, on the other hand, looked quite displeased. He clearly wasn’t comfortable with his ex boyfriend having dinner with his people in his childhood house like he was still part of it. James could read all of that in his expression, the little furrow in between his eyebrows that never left during that dinner. James just wanted it to be over, and so did Regulus on his perspective. Sirius looked lost in daydreams when he was eating, and if he wasn’t eating, he was yapping. 

Thank God for someone to make conversation and shove the awkward away for a little bit. Even his parents looked troubled, and they used to adore little Elliot. However, they adore Regulus more. They were sticking together, as a family, on the way they could. And ah. James wanted to kick him out so bad. Like, so, so bad, But he couldn’t, Reg said ‘no’ and he hates when someone goes against what he established for himself, which James thinks is stubborn as hell, but he respects it. 

So he ate his food, quietly on his corner of the table, casually watching Regulus, who was in front of him, and Elliot, who was next to Reg; swallowing the lump on his throat that was telling James to stop all of that. All of this tension fucking with his mind. 

After a long, exhausting shift at the hospital, James wanted peace. Just that. Elliot, on the other hand, had other plans. He was acting fidgety. His finger kept on twisting around a piece of his blond hair, always playing with nothing at the end of it, like it was missing a piece. He’s had a haircut. It wasn’t as long as it used to be now, definitely layered or some shit like that. Messy and chopped, totally not like him. James was paying attention to his every move, listening to Sirius’ voice in the background but not entirely capturing the message. Elliot was acting odd, his gaze was shifting between the plate in front of him and Regulus’ shadow, like he couldn’t bear to fully look at him. Until he finally broke the wall that was stopping him. “Hey, guys…” Elliot started, interrupting some chat about Sirius’ créme brulee, his eyes avoiding to look at anyone in particular, his voice low and cracking from being silent for too long. 

Everyone slowly stopped talking, directing their attention to him. Regulus froze in his place, his grey eyes almost bulging out of his face. James could see that he wanted to look, to face Ellie, but he just… couldn’t, as if he was trapped inside a block of ice, no movements, no breaths, no life at all. 

“Yes, dear?” Effie nodded to him, a soft smile taking place on her face. She was worried, James knew it by the way her eyes were blinking too much, her dimples fading and the restless hand she was hiding on her lap. 

Elliot cleared his throat, raising his voice a little. “I have something to tell you, or better, read– uh –aloud.” He stuttered, losing the little confidence he had when he shifted his gaze to the side, seeing Regulus close his eyes and sigh discreetly. James swallowed the lump on his throat now, knowing exactly what was about to happen. 

“Hi! Hey, guys, listen!” Elliot called everyone’s attention, full of glee, as his eyes sparkled with happiness. The sound of the fork neatly hitting the glass he had in his hand still echoing in James’ ears. It was almost New Year’s day. The Potters and relatives were having a party at the manor. “I would like to read something for you.” He said once he got every single aunt, uncle, parent and kid to shut up and pay attention to him. “As most of you already know, I’m head over heels in love with one particular boy,” he smiled, making everyone follow along. Dozens of heads searching for Regulus in the crowd, only to find him blushing hard on a corner, but smiling nevertheless. 

“So I prepared something for him,” Elliot continued, climbing on top of a chair. “This is a poem I wrote for you, Reggie. I hope you like it.” 

‘Of course he is going to like it!’ James bitterly thought from the corner he was hiding in, next to his vovó. Regulus absolutely loves poetry. Even if this one is badly written, Reg is gonna like it because it was made for him. ‘Dead poets rise from words calling them.’ is what Reg always told James when they would dive into this matter. 

From his side, away from everyone else, only glued to one of his favorite people in the world, James rolled his eyes, ignoring how Regulus’ were shining to hear that. To be the muse of someone’s words, to rise from them. His Vovó wrapped an arm around him, whispering into his ear: ‘querido, o tempo cura tudo.’ She hugged him like he was a little kid, not the taller and bigger than her young man he was. 

They got back to Elliot. He was about to start reciting the words. 

“I know I’m just a kid. 

And I know we know nothing 

in a life this turbid 

I’m sure the world won’t stop

But darling, god forbid 

Me ever letting us drop

I hope that like a flying dove

You will be my forever love”

James hated it. It was cheesy, boring and… and it was implicitly asking a question. 

“Be my forever love?” Elliot asked, right there, in front of everyone, to a blushy, grinning Regulus, who flew across the room to give Elliot a deep hug, exclaiming a shy, but firm ‘yes’. 

They were already dating for about three months back then. 

“I wrote you a poem.” Elliot said to Regulus, but still not facing him or anyone in particular. He was pulling out of his pocket a crumpled piece of paper. It looked old and used. This moment was like reliving a nightmare for James. Parallel to when you’re a kid, you have a bad dream once and the same one keeps haunting you at night, and there’s nothing you can do about it, only accept and sleep when the tiredness catches up with you. Except this time there wasn’t a nice grandma to hold him and tell him everything is gonna be okay. 

James wanted to get up and leave. 

He was going to. 

“Elliot, don’t.” Regulus stopped Ellie before he could start, also stopping James from getting up from his seat. His mother was silent. His father too. Sirius was paralysed. 

“Reggie, listen, please.” 

That’s it. James can’t be here right now. He gets up from his seat, stopping both Regulus and Elliot from going on. It’s just too much. The living room. No, the stairs. He needs to sit down a little. That’s where he is going. Sit on a step of the stairs and just breathe. 

“James, wait.” Regulus stopped him, his voice cracking in the middle of the process. James understood that plea in ways only someone with built in layers of criminality tenderness could. This must be so overwhelming for someone to deal with. There was a flicker of something in Regulus’ eyes James couldn’t quite fathom its significance. Reg looked broken. As if his soul was just split in two, the former love of his life breaking down in front of his entire family, his unreasonable guilt consuming him, putting him against a wall made of sand. One wrong move and it breaks down, burying him along with it. 

James stayed. He didn’t want to, though. He also didn’t want to cause a scene. His Mum and Dad are right there, waiting for him to make the right choice, either for himself, or for all of them. The look on Fleamont’s eyes was calm, peaceful. It was telling James to not interfere. At least not right now. It wasn’t his place to. 

For Elliot, it was like no one else was in the room. Only him and Reg. He clearly wasn’t giving a damn if everything was going down, he was there to fight a battle he already lost. A soldier trapped inside war, hiding in trenches his reflection made up. “Regulus, I–I still love you!” He cried, his eyebrows up, hiding between blond locks, directing the attention to his bulging eyes. 

Yes, and? 

James selfishly asked internally, his egoistic instincts taking over. So what? Everyone in this room loves Regulus deeply, why does it make Elliot special? James quickly reprimanded himself. What was going on with him? This— the snarky thoughts, the comebacks, the grudge — isn’t him! He needs to get over whatever resentment is eating him whole and grow the fuck up. 

Damn. What is he even thinking? He was there once. In Elliot's position. Why is he being so bitchy — even if mentally — to someone going through that kind of loss, that kind of pain? Why is he being a horrible person, now? 

“Not here,” Regulus sighed, his shoulders deflating along with his voice. “Not right now,” he pleaded, looking tired and ashamed of himself. 

Oh, darling. Don’t let this consume you. Please. 

Elliot wasn’t ready to take a hint and leave. “But–” 

“No!” Reggie snapped, regretting it immediately after. “Sorry. Please. Just leave.”

Elliot swallowed hard, keeping his face together in an admirable strength. He shook his head in a fastidious movement. “I knew it.--” He deviated his desperate gaze from Regulus to a quick glance at James. His eyes filled with melancholia. Not rage, pain.

“You knew what?” Regulus boldly questioned, his eyes daring for Elliot to say it out loud. Whatever it was. 

“You know what I'm talking about,” Elliot impetuously replied, his eyes full of hurt, accompanied by his trembling lips. 

Regulus sighed, shaking his head. “Elliot, please…”

“Ellie…” Sirius interfered, shooting Elliot a sympathetic look that wordlessly said ‘please leave.’

James intervened, too, “Elliot, c’mon, man.” 

Reg was biting the insides of his cheeks for a second and then he just left. Went upstairs. Elliot saw that as his cue (finally).

“Bye guys. Sorry for ruining dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Potter,” he robotically said, leaving the room and the house fast enough to not get many answers. 

Effie sighed, looking at Monty and sharing glances that only they understood. “Give Reggie some time, will you, boys?” She asked, smiling sadly at the door Elliot just used to leave.