Ardour
Flashback
Beginning of May
Regulus was laid on James' bed, with his head rested on his lap. James was watching him read a book, while massaging his scalp. The book that got his boy's attention was something called ‘The Song Of Achilles’. Just a few minutes before Reg was yapping to James about how the main couple´s love in this book was one of a kind. And James loved hearing every single word.
Right now, they were supposed to be getting ready (which meant getting out of bed) for a pizza dinner they would be having with the rest of the family downstairs, but they were actually killing time with each other, in between kind words and giggles.
“Ok, book time’s oveeeerrrr…” James said, cautiously taking the book from Regulus’ hand, marking the page and placing it on the nightstand. “I want attention!” James pleaded, shooting Regulus those puppy eyes that no one could say ‘no’ to.
Regulus gladly let go of his book, rolling over and taking James with him. Bringing him closer.
Closer, closer, closer.
Oh, how James loves this.
He loves every time Reg makes the move, every time he touches James and brings him nearer with his own hands. It drives him nuts. Those warm hands filled with cold rings touching his skin and exploring his body. Every time they intertwined their legs together and shattered into each other's eyes for a really long time, just relaxing, giggling and caressing each other's face. James loved when Reg kissed his chin stubble and often asked for James to leave it on for more time, which of course he did. He did every single thing Reg asked. ‘James, would you massage my back if I ask nicely?’ or ‘James, could you bring me some water, please?’ or ‘James, kiss me now’ . James did absolutely everything that boy asked. And was happy to do it.
They were like that now. Tangled into one another just staring and grinning. Young love has the power to completely mould one as a person, after your first, you either believe in true love or you read books to prove yourself they are only fictional.
Reg was caressing James’ stubble, while the older boy let himself be coddled for a few moments. They enjoyed this, their time together. Their relationship? Was it a relationship? James isn't sure. It was more like a situation. They were their first kisses, there wasn't much of an experience to rely on in what to do next or what they were next. Sure, there’s dates. James knows it and he is planning more dates, their schedule just wasn’t helping.
But, sometimes, they get to be alone in the house for a few hours, when Sirius wasn’t there, it was better. Chances of something happening were bigger. Oh, yes. Did I forget to mention Sirius was closely watching both of them since he walked on them making out that day in Marlene's? They had no peace, whatsoever. Sirius was always there. It’s not like they were having sex, they only kissed! James promises. His mum came to talk to him the other day, it was the worst experience EVER. James remembers, months ago, when Sirius started dating Mary, that Effie also had that conversation with him. Sirius came to tell James absolutely mortified after it. At the time, James laughed until he was out of breath, but when it was his time… Let’s just say he wasn’t mentally prepared to hear that. It went something like:
“James, honey, can I talk to you for a second?” Effie called on a random day after they got home from school. “You boys go wait for us in the kitchen, yeah?” she said, directing herself to Sirius and Regulus, who both nodded and went to the place, while Effie directed James upstairs.
James was slightly concerned now, his mum always said everything she needed to say in front of all her children, rarely having private conversations like this. “Everything okay, mum?” He asked, following her to his own room. This can’t be good.
She smiled wisely, “of course, my love.” She said, opening the door and holding it for James, who looked like he just saw a ghost. He left his bag in the corner next to his desk, while Effie signalised for him to sit down. Oh, god. She followed him, sitting right after. “So, I’ve been noticing…” She started, giving James a little time to put two and two together.
Right. She knows.
James went straight to the point, “that I’m seeing a boy?”
Effie only smiled, showing him it was okay. “Yes, but that’s old news,’’ she said, chuckling a bit. “May I ask, my love, are you bi? Pan? Gay?”
“I’m bissexual. But what do you mean old news? You couldn’t possibly have figured it out already, I only did a few months ago!” James gasped, not believing that they could know for some time.
“Pfttttt, the closet was made out of glass,” Effie said, laughing hard. “Peter taught me this expression, I loved it.”
“What?” James gasped again, “Mum, stop. It wasn't." he pleaded, trying to believe that himself. I wasn't that transparent, was I? Nah, she’s wrong. I was not. No.
“Whatever you say, then.” Effie stated, kissing the top of her son’s head, among giggles.
“Does Dad know, then?” James questioned, raising his eyebrows at her.
“Yes, but I advise you to tell him yourself, he would like that.” She said, articulating her point.
“I know. I will.”
They stayed in silence for a couple minutes after that, until Effie called, “James,” she paused, thinking exactly what to say, as if she was afraid to say the wrong words and hurt him. Oh. “I think it’s beautiful, you know? What you and Reggie are growing together.”
James grinned, “me too, Mum.” He leaned to hug her one of those bear hugs he gave like no one else. “Thanks.”
“Nothing to be thankful for, kiddo.” She laughed, hugging him back. “But that wasn't exactly what I needed to talk to you about.”
James was confused. Effie, all of a sudden got up and took a plastic bag she probably put on James’ nightstand herself. He didn’t even notice it was there. She got back and sat quietly next to James, a serious expression on her face. “Honey. I really need to be sure that you are practising safe sex.” No, no, nooooo.
James groaned, this can’t be happening, “Mum, no, please!”
“So I bought you condoms, and of course, lube.” She smirked, handling him the bag, while James felt like dying out of shame right there. “There’s also a little book in there explaining absolutely everything you need to know.”
Well, that sums it up.
“Reg.” James whispered to the boy in front of him, deepening his gaze at his grey hooded eyes. “I really like you.” He said, putting a streak of Regulus’ hair behind his ear, now being able to fully see his face. Those moles, the freckles, a tiny pimple, everything.
Reg grinned, unable to restrain his cheerfulness, “I really like you too, James.”
James smiled warmly, resting one hand on Reg’s cheek and bringing him closer with the other, until their noses touched, and they both closed their eyes enjoying the moment. James’ glasses were blurry from the steam of breathing, his heart racing and being at peace at the same time.
Reg leaned in, gently reaching for James’s mouth. Oh, god.
Heaven, heaven, heaven.
Their lips locked, and slow paced they initiated a gentle kiss.
It was ephemeral. Soft and soothing, until Barty fucking Crouch barged in James’ room, breaking them apart. James rolled his eyes internally, honestly, can’t they catch a break? They just wanna be silly clingy teenagers for a couple hours, please.
“Hi Reggie,” Barty greeted, throwing himself at the pouf, then nodding at James, “Potter.”
“Hey.” Reg said, quitting whatever he was planning with James and laying down, bringing an annoyed James with him.
James obediently went, muttering “Crouch.” under his breath.
“Is it safe to come in?” Sirius yelled from outside the bedroom, impatience and concern in his voice.
“Yes, Come in already!” Barty yelled back, getting up and heading to the door. “Do you think I'd still be here if it wasn't, dumbass?” He told Sirius as the older boy entered the room, closing the door behind them.
“Actually, yes.” Sirius shrugged, jumping in the bed, going straight to where James was cuddling Reg.
Regulus glared at him, “don’t you even think about it.”, he said, bringing James a little bit closer to his side.
“Think about what?” Sirius said, grinning and pretending he had no idea what Reggie was on about, crawling to fit in between the two of them.
“Fuck off, Sirius!” Regulus snapped, pleading for James’ help, “James, stop him, please!”
“C’mon, Pads, let me be in the middle, yeah?” James smiled softly, adjusting his bicep to be a better pillow for Reggie.
Sirius just grumbled and moved to the other side. “Oh, you’re so annoyingly whipped, mate.”
James beamed, and proudly replied, “yes, I am.”
Regulus laughed, drawing his initials in James’ stomach with his fingers, “yes, he is.”
Wow. Looking back now, James wonders, how the fuck was that ever casual?
Honestly, how?
Those weeks where they acted like little boyfriends are still so magical to look back. They had everything and still had nothing. They were kids with zero concerns, a great life and then that. Then, they their souls fell in love with each other and weren’t spiritually capable of letting go. Everything. Yet, they were nothing. Friends? Lovers? Boyfriends?
No. None of the above.
But James was soon to find out what they were.
Effie soon appeared to lure them out to the kitchen. “Boys, let’s go, yes?” She said, smiling fondly at her kids and also to Barty. Barty, who was spending the night with them because his father was hosting an important dinner and didn’t want him there to cause trouble. It’s not like Barty cared. Usually, he’d be at Evan’s, but something came up, so he was crashing a classic Potter Saturday family dinner.
Today, they’d be having pizza from scratch. Which meant Monty and Regulus would be doing all the cooking, while the others watched and gossiped.
“Is Monty already there?” Regulus asked, suddenly engaged in the matter. Honestly, sometimes James thinks Reggie likes his father more than he likes him. Not funny.
“He’s just waiting for you, love.” Effie replied, chuckling when Regulus swiftly got up, kissed James' cheek and ran downstairs barefoot, leaving a very flustered James behind. His dark skin shining with the redness on his cheeks, while his mother fondly watched.
###
Dinner was awesome. Regulus and Monty did all the work, of course. But the great part is that they always enjoyed their time together, They understood each other easily, a true father-son relationship. James loved to watch. He loved his family with all of his heart, and seeing both Sirius and Reg fit in so easily made him always sleep lighter, he had everything one could want in a happy life.
“I am loving to learn the nowadays slangs” Effie laughed after Monty questioned her ‘what the hell is NVM’ that she texted him that morning. “It means nevermind,” she explained, winking at Sirius.
“Kid, if you teach her, you have to teach me too!” Monty exclaimed, narrowing his eyes at Sirius, who just chuckled.
“Dad, I did. A thousand times already, but you always forget it.” He said, grinning and then adding, “what if i sent you a cheat list? I’ll write every single one, then you can always check?”
Monty beamed, delighted, “that’d be wonderful.” He sighed, shaking his head, “I’m tired of you kids always changing the words, but I'll try to keep up with this new generation language.”
All of them laughed, and James spoke up, smirking, “don’t act like you don’t enjoy feeling young, Dad”
Effie giggled, knowing what was coming. “Are you calling me old, kiddo?” he gasped.
Sirius wanted to put fuel in the fire, “James! The disrespect, honestly,” he scoffed, exaggerated, shaking his head.
“Yeah, James,” Barty agreed, then turning to Fleamont, “you don’t look a day over twenty-five, sir.”
“Thank you, boys.” Monty smiled, throwing a ball of paper napkin right on James’ face, cracking laughter out of everyone. Ok, he deserved it.
“Guess who got awarded first place in the school’s poetry contest?” Regulus questioned, smiling shyly.
“Really? My darling, this is incredible!” Effie stated, proudly, reaching to kiss the top of Regulus’ head.
“Honey, we really have the brightest kids, huh?” Monty added, directing himself to his wife, grinning.
“We do.” She affirmed, firmly and with her voice full of fondness.
Dinner went on after that, and everything was fine. They laughed, smiled, shared stories about their days, everything a family did together. And James was happy. He was at the peak of his excitement about everything, and his family was there for him.
###
Later, that night, James felt something shifting between them. Him and Regulus. He had no idea, but that night was the last normal one they’d be having in a very long time. He felt it in his skin, when Reg did not have an easy smile towards him. He felt it in his flesh, when Reg laid down next to him that night. He felt it in his bones when Reg avoided a goodnight kiss. He felt it on his soul when Reg left his side in the middle of the night to sleep somewhere else under the same roof. For the first time in weeks.
A part of him wanted to believe this was a bad day, something they could work through in the morning and talk about. People are allowed to simply want some space and think. James knew and supported that. Yet, what was there to talk about? They weren't anything official, it would be a one sided war if Regulus was about to give up on him. James couldn’t fight battles for someone who did not want to fight next to him, to get to him at the end of the day. He wants to, though.
He wants to ask and fight for whatever they had going on, even though he was subconsciously familiar with the fact that he already lost. Deep down, the beginning of the end was knocking on their door and James just didn't wanna answer.
The tears that stained his pillow that night were the initiation of the holes that would be carved into his heart for the next few years. That was when he knew he fell. When he lost this love, he knew it was a love to lose. The ghost that lived for him in the following months can confirm his soul was trapped somewhere not to be found, in a cosy couch, with ‘The Notebook’ and warm lights, on a random Friday night with an unknown soundtrack. That ghost made sure to try and make James happy, only to be found later that you can’t cover your stains until you feel familiar enough to pretend they don’t exist.
James didn’t know, but that night, when Regulus left his bed, he went downstairs to their living room, collapsing on Effie and Monty’s arms, tears falling like delicate waterfalls from his grey eyes.