What Do I Do, Pete?
James was lying on his living room sofa for some time now. Peter said he would be here in thirty, so he still had fifteen minutes of waiting, alone with his mind. It wasn’t doing much good to him. It’s been only a few hours since his 36 hour shift ended, he should be sleeping or resting his thoughts, yet, all he can think about is him. Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.
He is a star, one of the brightest in the sky. He is the heart of the lion. Regulus brings feelings back to James that he forgot he could ever experience, why is his heart so happy to see him again? Why does his body shiver in the presence of him? Why does his eyes congeal in his figure? Why can’t he just look away?
It is hard. Toughest thing James has ever done, and he went through med school, he knows what tough means. He can’t allow himself to care again. Care too much. Don’t get him wrong, James loves people, loves being a thoughtful and caring person, however, he learned over the years that he has to care for himself too. When no one can be there for him, he can do it for himself. It’s a survival skill. Pete and Sirius were always there for him. Always. But James understood that there are some things only he can do for himself. They can’t stop James’s heart to flutter or his mind to think about things that hurt him, but James can. That’s why he called Pete today. Pete has the best advice on all occasions, he knows how to calm his friends down and make them feel safe. He is the sweetest person James ever had the pleasure to grow up with. A friend and a brother, just like Sirius. Speaking about him, James feels guilty. He can’t bring himself to talk to Sirius about his brother, not yet, at least. Usually, this would be a group meeting that would certainly end up with tears and a sleepover in James’ bed. Just like when they were kids. Except, he would be there too. He was there at all times. They grew up together, too. Oh, right.
Sometimes James forgets he’s not talking about anyone here. It’s Regulus. Peter also grew up with him, and also loved him. But Regulus kept contact with them. Peter knows what’s up in his life. They kept loving each other. James was the only one that didn’t. The only one Regulus didn’t care enough to be a part of his life. To call. The only one Regulus cut ties with.
All this time, James tried hard not thinking about it, but it was difficult. Eventually, his mind would give in and entertain the idea of it. Why didn’t Reg call him? Gosh, it hurts. Thinking about this is like ripping off a band aid of a bullet wound. He calls Pete. He calls Lily, even Mary and Marlene. He calls his parents almost daily. Daily. Don’t ask James how he knows this, but he knows. Obviously, he calls Sirius. Everyone, everyone but him.
James heard some key noises, which means Pete is here. Fucking finally. Peter and Sirius both have keys to his apartment, and he has the keys to both theirs.
“I brought reinforcement,” Pete said, closing the door behind him and lifting up his arms, which were holding grocery bags.
“Yay.” James replied, disheartened.
Peter cocks his eyebrows. “Your favorite. Strawberries and chocolate. Fondue night.”
This, apparently, caught James’s attention. “Fondue night?” Now he was excited. Huh.
Peter nodded, smiling and going to the kitchen, already looking for the things he’ll need. James follows like a lost puppy. “Oh my god, Pete, I love you.”
Peter laughs. “Yeah, yeah. I love you, too. Now sit.” He pointed to the seats in front of the counter. Now that he starts to think, James’s hasn’t had anything to eat since four in the afternoon! It is now seven. This is an atrocity. Oh, god. My muscles! They are going to fade! Thank god for Peter Pettigrew. Truly, James eats like a monster lives in his stomach. Three hours without a meal or a snack is way too long for him. How can one live without tasty food? Like the mac and cheese Regulus did for him whenever they were alone at the house, usually Fridays, because Sirius was out with Mary, and his parents on a date. Typical. So they would watch movies or shows together, eat the dinner Regulus made with James’ help (he washed the dishes) and fall asleep on the couch and wake up Saturday morning with a delicious smell of coffee Monty was preparing. Life was awesome. So while Pete is preparing their fondue machine, James makes them chicken sandwiches. Can’t go without some protein, right? Once everything is ready, they head to the living room and Pete starts the conversation.
“So. What’d you wanna talk about?” He asks, grabbing a bite of the sandwich James made him.
James eyes him. “Like you don’t know”.
“I do, yeah” Peter shrugs. “But you have to be the one to put it out. Talk about it”. He says, gently.
James bites his own sandwich now, giving him some time before he starts talking. Stalling.
Peter just waits, giving James all the time he needs.
“Regulus is back.” James points out.
“I see.” Peter answers, waiting for James to continue.
“How do you feel about it?” James asks. A glimpse of surprise flashes through his friend’s eyes. Peter quickly recovers, though.
“Well. I feel fine, I guess?” Pete replies, sincerely. “I love him, too. I’m happy he’s here” He added, gazing away from James. “But what about you? How do you feel?”
“I don’t know yet.” James responds, moving to rest his head on Pete's shoulder, who wraps his arm around James’s. “It’s a bunch of mixed feelings. I don’t like that he is back. But at the same time, I do. I want to be close to him again. Be his friend. But I don't think I can.” James let out, tears now pouring down his face.
“Oh, James.” Peter embracing him, letting James cry. Shit.
Wasn’t I supposed to not care?
Everyone thinks I’ve moved on
I did
So why?
Why am I reacting like this?
“James. Mate. Listen to me, okay?” Pete says, kindly.
James nods, confirming that he is listening.
“It’s alright to not like that he is back. He hurt you. You hurt him.” James cocks an eyebrow at this, but Peter simply ignores it. “Things like these happen, so don’t go hard on yourself, don’t expect to understand feelings so complex like yours in this situation. It’s okay.”
James stays silent, so Peter continues. “Of course you want to be close to him again. You were best friends before everything. You lived together! This is normal, this is okay. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being human and having feelings.”
“But I feel too much,” James whispers.
“You do,” Peter nods. James makes an astonished face. “It isn’t a bad thing, James” Peter completes. “Feeling so much is a detail that makes you, you. And we love you as you are”.
“You said ‘you’ so many times that I got lost.” James smiled.
Peter chuckled. “True. But you got it, right?”
“I did, yeah.” James nods. “I don’t know how to feel, though. And I don’t want you guys to be weird about it, too.”
“What do you mean?” Peter questions, now lost in the point his friend is trying to make.
“Well. Should I be happy? Should I be mad? Should I not care? What do I do, Pete?”
“First, give yourself some time, mate.” Peter phrases like he is an old, wise man, This makes James smile. “You don’t have to have your shit figured out by now. It’s been like what? A week since he came back?”
“Four days.”
“Same thing.” Peter rolled his eyes, then gave James a wry look. “What’d mean about us being weird?”
“Oh, right, that.” Um. How do you express that you don’t want your friends to think you still have feelings for someone without giving them the vibe you haven’t moved on? Because James has moved on. He found love in many ways: his friends, his family, his coworkers, puppies and kittens etcetera. He had a girlfriend about 6 years ago, her name was Jo. Didn’t work out because she and James wanted different things in life, they are still friends and even talk sometimes. And he had a boyfriend, too. Michael. This was three years ago. Michael was a cheater and he didn’t like his friends, so yeah. Didn’t work out either. “I don’t want you guys to get the wrong feeling, here. I don’t want you guys to treat me like a toddler who can’t hear the word ‘no’ without crying. I’m not. You can talk about him in front of me, you know? Yes I'm a bit confused here, but it’s not like I'm still in love with him. Because I am not, and I want that to be clear.” James discharged words like they were the air his lungs were trapping, begging to leave.
“I understand. You don’t have to worry about this, James. Nobody thinks you’re in love with him, okay?”
“Okay.”
Suddenly, Sirius barges in the flat, shouting for James, until he sees him with Pete on the couch. “Why wasn’t I invited to fondue night?” Sirius exclaims, horrified.
James opens his mouth to answer, but Peter cuts in. “You were, but you don’t look into your damn phone!”
“Oops- let me see.” He pulled up his cellphone, reading the text out loud “‘Fondue night. James’s place. Be there at nine sharp’” Sirius looked at his watch and grinned, “look, I'm only twenty minutes late!”
“Come here!” James opens his arms. Sirius doesn’t waste time before jumping in them, going for a warm chocolate covered strawberry right after.
“I saw your brother today,” James points out casually.
Sirius was taken aback by that. “Did you really? Weren’t you at the hospital all day?”Sirius asks, suspicious.
“I was, yeah.” James nods. “He went there complaining of a migraine.”
“Did he, now?” Sirius asked, entertained. “Weird.” He remarks, looking at Peter.
James was oblivious to their interaction, as always. “Don’t worry, he’s fine. Got an IV and I asked for some routine exams and a head CT, just to check.”
“Mhm. Okay. I’m sure he’s fine” Sirius dismisses James.
“How was the café today? Did you see Moony?” James asks, going for a chocolate strawberry himself.
“Oh, we’re calling him Moony now!?” Pete exclaimed, a question tune in his voice.
“I didn’t even know and he's my man, my Moony!”
“You just did it.” James affirmed
“Did what?”
“Called him moony. And your man. How many words have you traded with him today?”
“Maybe three?” Sirius shrugged. “Both of you, don’t look at me like that! I'm just a boy!”
“No. You’re not. You’re a grown ass man.” Pete remarks, making James chuckle.
“Mark my words, Pettigrew. You’re gonna regret that.” Sirius announced.
“No, I'm not.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then,” Sirius pretended to leave the matter, just to attack Peter with tickles when he was least expecting.
When they were done, and by done, I mean when Peter had to beg Sirius to stop or else he would piss himself and wet James’s beautiful couch. That’s the moment James interfered, not his couch, thank you so much.
“Right. Mum and Dad asked me to tell you not to miss tomorrow’s lunch. You’re invited, too, Pete.”
“I never missed a lunch!” James scowled.
Sirius arched a brow. “Okay, but all those times I was on hospital duty! Mum forgave me”.
“Tell Effie thank you, but I won’t make it” Pete said. “I have class tomorrow until one p.m.”
“Shame, will do though, Pete.” Sirius replied. “But you know, James, I never missed a lunch. I'm the favorite son by now.”
James was about to protest when Peter interrupted, “doesn't matter how many lunches both of you went added together, Regulus will always be the favorite son.”
This made both Sirius and James shut up, because Peter was absolutely right. No one can surpass Regulus in the favorite son business. Little shit. Lovely little shit.
“I need a wee!” Sirius got up, simply heading to the guest bathroom in James’s flat.
It was a quiet, comfortable silence between Pete and him. Until Sirius’ phone started ringing. Really, what’s with this guy that he doesn’t carry his phone with him. It was Effie, the name ‘mum <3’ on the screen. So James answered.
“Hi mum! Sirius is in the bathroom, dropped his phone here, as always” James explained.
“James, it’s um, Regulus.”
“Oh. Hi. What you’re doing with mum’s phone?” He asked, a little bit nervous. Talking to Regulus isn’t something normal anymore.
“Battery died” He answers.
“Right” James waits for him to continue.
“Um. Where’s my brother?”
“Bathroom.” James repeats. Maybe he isn’t the only one nervous? “Probably staring at himself at the mirror now, pretending he is Bowie”
Regulus laughs. Oh, that sound. Makes James smile so hard his dimples are deep in his cheeks. “Sounds like him.”
“Yeah.” James agrees.
They stay in silence for a moment. Surprisingly, Reg is the one to break it. “How have you been, James?”
“Good. You?”
“Good, too.”
“Great.”
“Yeah”
“James, I-“ Regulus is interrupted by something Effie said to him, ‘oh is that James? Ask him to visit immediately. I haven’t seen the boy in days!’ is what James caught in the conversation. “James, visit your mum!”
“Tell mum I will, and that this week was just really rough at the hospital. But don’t tell her I did three 36-hour shifts only this week. Make something up, Regulus, please.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“You were gonna say?”
“Oh, nothing. Just tell Sirius to call me later” Regulus rushed his words.
“Okay.”
“Bye, James.” He abruptly said and hung up.
“Bye.” he mouthed, the line already dead.