It was Saturday night, which meant no classes the next day, which meant no getting up early, which meant only one thing: partying. Remus himself wasn’t the type of person to look as if he enjoyed parties. However he loved them. Out of all the marauders it was actually Remus that fitted under the profile the most. He always stays up at night, gets shit-faced often and lives for loud music. One would assume because he wore jumpers and read books that he wouldn’t have a good time at something like that. It was a disguise. If you really knew Remus Lupin, you would realize he loves it. It’s pure chaos. Losing yourself in rock, people and alcohol was just Remus’ favourite way to deflect from reality. Nothing mattered. Oh and it was specially fun when he got to meet new people. There were no rules, no worries.
Yet.
Nobody close to him actually knew this. No one except Lily. The thing was Remus only let himself loose at summer because when he was at Hogwarts with people that he had to see everyday and his friends which needed someone to babysit them. This didn’t mean he stayed sober at a corner. He still drank booze and talked to people and whatnot. He did have a good time. However it was not the same.
This night was different because Remus was absolutely going to lose his mind anytime soon. He needed to get fucking drunk and dance and become one with the multitude and fucking live. Why is that, you may be asking. Well, lately things with Sirius had been…weird. Sirius himself had been odd.
It all started at the start of the year. It was the first summer at the Potters’ and it seemed to change Sirius for the better. Without announcement, he stopped dating whatsoever, started concentrating on himself, his future, his friends. It was almost as if he was coping healthily with being disowned, which was incredibly weird coming from impulsive Sirius. It’s not a complaint. Of course, it’s not. They were all overly happy about it. Alright, yes, maybe Sirius wasn’t talking about his family and sometimes he drank just a bit much when he was feeling angry, but it was a good start to healing.
Whatever, that isn’t the point either. Remus needed to party because lately Sirius and Remus had these moments that were…were…something. They had always been close, shared their deepest secrets, shared interests and enjoyed maybe each other’s company a bit too much. Remus knew this. How could he not? Since he was little, he became aware of his sexuality. Years later, he realized he was utterly in love with Sirius. So, yes, he had noticed their special relationship. Now, these moments were particularly different. They stared into each other's eyes a little longer, smiled a bit much, sat very close. It seemed as if something had shifted. Because sometimes Remus could swear Sirius perhaps, just maybe had feelings for him too. No, that was stupid. There was no way. Life wasn’t that nice. Remus didn’t have that luck. It was completely impossible. He needed to think about something else.
And that’s how Lily decided what Remus really needed was a good, chaotic party. Who was Remus to refuse such an invitation?
It was midnight when the party started. It was at Marlene’s, her parents were travelling, and everyone was invited. Lily made sure this was a good night. Sure, the marauders were known for throwing parties but nobody realized that Lily was great at planning. At the end of the day, she had the most friends, was the most organized and had the most experience. James and Sirius were more familiar with posh meetings that were excuses for parties.
The marauders were walking to Marlene’s, James and Sirius lived in the neighbourhood and decided to get ready at theirs and then go together.
“I think today is going to be an unforgettable night.” Peter said, passing the booze to James, who asked.
“Why is that, Wormy?”
“I don’t know.” He looked lost in thought. “Call it sixth sense.”
Sirius snorted and took a drag of his cigarette. Remus believed Peter.
“Well, either way, I’m gonna get drunk tonight.” Sirius said, taking the bottle from James.
Oh, me too, Remus thought while looking at Sirius. Gorgeous, perfect Sirius.
And that’s how they found themselves not an hour later, in between people dancing. At first Remus was a bit shy, however with a bit more alcohol he let himself lose. There were so many people, he quickly lost his friends and he found himself surrounded by randoms.
He felt his back against someone else and the music ringing in his ears and gin in his blood, and it was dark, so nothing actually mattered. So he danced. He felt so much freedom.
It was when he was dancing with Lily, both shouting the lyrics of some song playing, they were holding hands and jumping and smiling, when he bumped into Sirius dancing. They looked at each other and grinned. Lily let go of his hand and signed that she was getting something to drink. Remus only shrugged and closed his eyes and kept dancing. Then he felt someone rather aggressively touching his shoulder. It was Sirius. He had an amused and curious look on his face. Remus decided he wasn’t going to think about it. They danced in parallel, close but nothing odd, everyone was at a proximity. Some songs went by where Sirius and Remus kept swinging their hips at the rhythm of the music. But then, a song that was low, moodier and had a slower pace began playing. Remus knew it, he loved it. Looking at Sirius, it seemed as if he did too because next thing he knew he was grabbing Remus’ hand turning him around and pressing Remus’ back with his chest. He ignored the alarms on his head and decided to enjoy it. They moved in unison to the beat, Sirius’ hand still on Remus’, his arm wrapped around his torso. It felt good. Remus smirked and pressed himself even further, feeling their hips lock together. Sirius’ hands moved to Remus’ waist and his grip was strong. Remus didn’t know what it meant. He didn’t care. The important thing was that it was dark and the music was loud and Sirius was dancing with him. That’s why he decided to grab onto the other boy’s hair and throw his head back, resting on Sirius’ shoulder. Yes, was all it was in his mind. Yes, yes, yes. The song was coming to an end and Remus didn’t know what would happen next, before he could think about it, he felt Sirius’ breath on his neck, his lips brushing his skin. He didn’t kiss Remus though, that would be too much. Well, it was already too much, he thought. What was he doing? Sirius was clearly drunk. This meant nothing. Remus separated from Sirius and decided it was safer and more logical to dance as they were doing before. Maybe it was the dim light but Sirius looked disappointed. As much as Remus wanted to pretend they were back to dancing normally, they were still a bit too close and looking at each other’s bodies while moving.
At one point, Remus lost Sirius but found James, so it was alright. The rest of the night, Remus danced with many other people, friends and strangers, drank and laughed.
It was nearly six when Remus decided he was tired. James and Peter had already left, Lily was somewhere with a girl she just met -go, Lily- and he had no idea about Sirius. He thanked the red haired before leaving and at the door he actually bumped into Sirius who was talking to Marlene.
“Oh, Remus, you leaving?” Sirius had his coat on and a cigarette in his hand. Remus nodded. “Alright, I’m going with you.” He saluted Marlene and they made their way outside only to find out it was raining. Pouring raining.
“Great.” Remus said, not because he cared about getting wet, they were only a few blokes away anyway, but he complained because he wouldn’t be able to light a cigarette.
“Here,” Sirius said, taking off his leather jacket and placing it on top of their heads, their shoulder bumping into each other.
They started walking in silence in the moonlight. The stars were bright, scattered in the sky. Only the sound of the rain drops, the wind blowing and their yawning. Not a single car was there to ruin the moment.
“Didn’t know you could dance like that.” Remus looked at Sirius just to find out he was smirking.
“Yeah, well, I blame the alcohol.” Sirius chuckled. He wanted to say something, it lingered in the air. They were both thinking about that dance, it was obvious.
There was tension. It was palpable.
“Look, Remus, I have to say something about it,” Sirius had always been the brave one. “What was that?”
Why did Sirius have to address it? It had been a drunk dance. “What?” Remus said as if it was stupid to even give it importance.
“Moony, bloody hell, I- We-” Sirius groaned and stopped, making Remus who kept walking get wet. “Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
Sirius looked exasperated. “How can you act as if nothing happened?”
Practice, Remus thought. Okay, so we are doing this. “What happened Sirius?” He maintained calm. “We danced.”
“We danced?” Sirius repeated. Their improvised roof was long forgotten. Neither seemed to care about the rain though or the fact that it was still night.” Remus, you are going to make me go mad.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“What?”
“We didn’t just dance.” Sirius’ voice was a little louder. “I don’t know about you but that didin’t seem to me very…”
“Very what?”
“Platonic, Moony!”
“We were just drunk, Sirius, it’s alright. No need to panic.” Remus kept walking. He tried not to make a big deal out of it. With some luck they could forget the whole thing.
Sirius stood in front of Remus so he would stop. “It wasn’t just this dance. God, nothing about these few last months was platonic.”
Oh, so he noticed too.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I-” Sirius sighed. “I don’t get you. Because sometimes I think you feel it too! But then you go on as if nothing happens. Like today, I thought that dance meant something and then you just keep doing the same with other people.”
“What are you talking about, Pads?”
“About us! Remus, how can you not notice it?” Sirius truly looked desperate. “One moment you are looking at me in a sweet, endearing way. You- you check me out every other day. You hold me when I’m down. Fuck, we are not just friends!”
“Of course we are friends. Look, Sirius, it’s cold, I’m fucking drenched and it’s late. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”
“No! Remus, God. I just,”
“What?”
“You really don’t see it? Or you just don’t care?” Sirius looked a bit sad, but didn’t give up. “Tell me it’s just not my imagination.”
“What do you want me to say, Sirius?” A thunder interrupted him. “Yes, alright, I see it too. I not only notice it but I feel it. I feel deep in my chest when I stare into your eyes. My skin gets hot when I so much as brushes you. And today, that dance. Sirius of course I'm fucking aware that is not platonic, but what do you want me to do?” Remus was tired of being stupidly in love with his best friend. It has been years. “Do you want me to bloody confess my feelings? Do you want me to say that I can’t sleep at night thinking about every interaction I have with you because maybe, just maybe you would like me back? Do you want me to confess that my favourite colour is not in fact brown but a piercing gray? Or do you prefer to hear how I dream of the day I finally get to kiss you? To press my lips into yours and feel myself giving to you all the love I have in me.”
Sirius looked at Remus with wide eyes. Remus took the other boy’s face into his hands. “Because Sirius if you want to hear it, I’ll tell you: I want to kiss you deeply.”
“Then do it.” Sirius said immediately.
“What?”
“Do it. Kiss me deeply. Give me all your love.”
And Remus did. In that cold, wet, dark night they finally kissed..