self-indulgent… self-insert reality
Neither of them were expecting visitors, so when the doorbell rang mid-afternoon, Remus crept to the door and looked through the peephole. Oh. Fuck.
He took a moment to collect himself and then opened the door.
“Mum?” He said in what he hoped was a happily surprised tone.
“Remus!” Hope opened her arms and her son leant down to hug her. “Sorry for dropping in unannounced.”
“That’s the kind of thing you say when you live in the same area.” He raised an eyebrow, “It took you at least two and a half hours to get here.” He stepped to the side, ushering her into the flat. “Is everything alright? Shit! Is dad ok?”
“You tell me, sweetness.” She perched on the edge of the sofa. “Your dad is fine, I imagine he’s watching the rugby and shouting at the telly right now.” She paused, “I had an interesting chat with Effie Potter yesterday.”
Of all the things Remus was prepared for coming out of her mouth, that was not one of them. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck.
“She seemed to think that you and Sirius finally got together, but I’m sure you would have told me if that were the case, right, my love?”
Right on cue, Sirius poked his head into the living room. “Hope! I thought I sensed an angel on the premises!”
Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius hugged his mum, then perched on the arm of Remus’ armchair. He wished in a way that his mum could have come round a week ago, it would be considerably less awkward to explain the situation to her when it hadn’t ended in a big jumble of unresolved feelings.
“I was just telling Remus that your mum called me yesterday.” Her eyes glinted as she took in the way Sirius looked at her son. “It’s about time the two of you figured it out.”
After trying to find the right words to explain and coming up with nothing, he looked at Sirius.
“We were planning on telling you the next time we saw you,” Sirius repeated the words Remus had said to Monty a few weeks ago as Remus stared at him in disbelief. “It seemed more like an in-person conversation. My parents only found out because they accidentally crashed the end of a date.” Hope chuckled, it sounded a lot like Remus’ chuckle and Sirius smiled instinctively.
“Sorry, mum. Do you want a cuppa?” Remus suddenly remembered his manners.
“I thought you’d never ask! Who raised you?” She shuffled back on the sofa a little to get comfy, “Earl Grey if you have it, please. You get on with that, I’m going to gently interrogate your boyfriend.”
“Mum, you’ve known him for twenty years, I don’t think that’s necessary,” Remus looked at Sirius, eyes pure panic.
“It’s fine, Moons.” He kissed the top of Remus’ head. “I’ll have coffee please, love.”
Remus, somewhat bewildered, got to his feet and headed to the kitchen.
“So,” she looked closely at Sirius. “Am I going to get the story you fed your parents, or am I going to get the truth?” Sirius blinked at her. “I know my son, Sirius.” She shrugged, “If the two of you were together, he’d have told me.”
Sirius knew she was right. He was the one with the trust issues. A very thoughtful gift from Orion and Walburga that just kept on giving even into his thirties. Not for the first time, he wished he could be more like Remus. He wondered what would happen if he stopped faking it and just… let his feelings do their thing. It was Remus, after all. If he could trust anyone with his vulnerabilities, Remus would be top of the list in every timeline. Apparently, the silence between them had gone on for too long because Hope looked concerned.
“Sirius?”
He sighed, “We ran into Benjy in Tesco a while ago.” Hope’s face contorted when she heard his name, “I know, believe me, I feel the same, the man’s a bellend. I thought it would be… funny, maybe, or fun, I don’t really know. I thought it would be a good idea to tell him that Remus and I were dating and mess with him a bit.” Hope smiled and shook her head fondly, “That led to him inviting us to his boyfriend’s 40th birthday party. So we attended that, for the free booze… and to torment the guy, because ugh. As we were leaving, we bumped into my parents, and Benjy was right there, and they were so happy for us, and the story just kind of spiralled from there. We went to trivia night as a couple, a house party, my parents’ Halloween party and things got more and more complicated, up here.” He tapped his head. “I don’t really know what we are now.”
Hope took all of this information in with a small smile, “What would you like the two of you to be? In here?” She tapped her chest, over her heart.
Sirius felt his cheeks heat up, he could do this, he could be honest. “I want all the things that we did to be real.” He said quietly.
She nodded, non-fazed, “and Remus?”
“He told me that he loves me, yesterday.” That was the first time he’d said it aloud properly and he couldn’t help but smile.
Hope's eyes widened for a second before she reigned herself back in. “And you feel the same?”
“Yeah. Very much so!” He nodded emphatically. “I just don’t think either of us were prepared for this. We’d both convinced ourselves that it was one-sided. Moony’s been better than me at figuring it all out for himself. Probably due to being raised in a stable, supportive family where he wasn’t discouraged from expressing any emotion that wasn’t hatred.” He grinned at Hope, “I struggled with it a bit more. I’m still struggling a little. I’m getting there, I think.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence in our parenting.” Hope laughed, “Sirius, what do you have to lose by going for it? You’ve been inseparable for two decades, and you said yourself that you love each other. Seems like a pretty solid foundation for a relationship to me.”
“I suppose I—”
Remus, carrying a tray of mugs and a plate of biscuits, emerged from the kitchen looking worried.
“Are you done with him, Mum?” Remus asked warily.
“Yes, I’m satisfied.” She said accepting the cup of tea that he handed to her. “I think you make a fine pair.”
“Thank you.” Sirius smiled at her as Remus sat back down. He rested his hand around the back of Remus’ neck, his thumb tracing gentle lines through the bottom of his curls.
Remus looked up at him questioningly. Something had changed, he could sense it. Maybe Sirius was just better at faking it now that they’d talked about it, but that didn’t feel right. This felt intimate and deliberate, and Remus never wanted it to stop.
He didn’t want to be angry with his mum for dropping in like this. He hadn’t seen her in over a month, and he missed her, but this was just awful timing. Also, Effie, of course, she’d called his mum. Probably wanted to discuss wedding centrepieces or something equally ridiculous and terrifying. He was spiralling, he realised. He leaned into Sirius’ touch, partly to ground himself, and partly because fuck it felt nice to have Sirius’ hand in his hair.
Hope took in the soft smile on her son’s face, and the one looking back at him. They looked so content. They were going to work this out, she was sure of it. But it would be remiss of her not to have a little fun at their expense first.
“Effie said you were spending time with Benjy again, Remus.” She narrowed her eyes at him.
Remus froze, how was he supposed to explain that without exposing the fake relationship? “Once or twice.” He said slowly, “He’s still a prick, though, so it won’t be happening again.”
“He wasn’t a fan of our relationship, let’s just say that.” Sirius’ eyes sparkled at Hope as he sipped his coffee and she nodded, knowingly. What the fuck had Remus missed while he was in the kitchen?
“Good.” Hope said tersely, “I hope you rubbed it in the fucker’s face.”
“Mum!” Remus almost choked on his tea.
“Remus!” She shot back, smirking into her coffee. Where Lyall was studious and serious, Remus definitely got his mischievous streak from Hope. “How did you leave things with him?”
“Moony told him to have the life he deserves. It was beautiful.” Remus was so confused at the looks that were passing between Sirius and his mother. He wasn’t expecting Sirius to lean down and whisper into his ear, “It was.”
“That was after Sirius threatened to hit him, in all fairness.”
“Well I’m not normally one for condoning violence, Sirius,” She chuckled, “But thank you. I’m sure he had it coming.”
“What the fuck… is happening?” Remus muttered to himself.
“He did. I don’t threaten violence lightly.” Sirius squeezed the back of Remus’ neck gently with his thumb, before kissing the top of his head. “I got…protective, I guess.”
Hope was smiling at Remus again, with that look in her eyes, like she could see into his soul. “I can see that I don’t have anything to worry about, here.” She set her mug down. “I promised Lily I’d pop in before I went home, so I won’t keep you.”
“You drove all this way for a twenty-minute conversation?” Remus frowned.
“Like Sirius said, it was one we needed to have in person. I’m very glad that I did.” She stood up. “Plus, if I leave your dad alone too long he eats all the ice cream.”
“Like father, like son,” Sirius said, earning him a look from Remus. “You think I don’t notice you replacing the tubs?”
“Well, I didn’t until now.” Remus stood up, instantly missing Sirius’ hand in his hair. “I’ll have to be sneakier.”
“Or, we can just buy more ice cream when we get groceries.” Sirius looked over at Hope. “Thank you, for coming over. It was really nice to see you.”
“You too, Sirius. I’m so happy for you both.” She pulled her son into a bone-crushing hug, ruffled his hair, and did the same to Sirius. It was nice, domestic, Sirius thought.
Once she left, Remus asked him what they’d talked about when he was in the kitchen. Sirius didn’t quite tell the truth but told him that she was happy for them and that he’d received the classic ‘hurt him and I’ll hurt you’ speech. He realised in that moment, that Hope hadn’t given him that speech. She trusted him. It was probably time to trust himself too.
“I need to do something,” He said, squeezing Remus’ hand gently. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Alright.” Remus nodded as Sirius disappeared into his room and shut the door.
🌙✨🌙✨🌙
“I meant what I said to Benjy,” Sirius said outside Remus’ door a couple of hours later. He heard movement from inside and Remus opened his door.
He looked at Sirius warily, “Which part?”
“All of it.” He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, “I knew that there was something there. That I felt different towards you than I did other friends. Always have, I think. But this year, and this past month, fuck. I think I fell in love with you longer ago than feels ok to admit.”
“Yeah?” Remus was smiling, “I don’t have a problem with that if that’s what you’re worried about. So maybe it took me longer to figure out, it is what it is.”
Sirius nodded, “This whole thing has felt like some self-indulgent… self-insert reality.”
“Oh, you do listen to me!”
“Shut up, you know I do.” He leaned against the door frame. “I got scared, Moons. I thought maybe I pressured you into this whole thing so that I could live out some fantasy that would never—”
“Hey, you didn’t pressure me into anything, love.” He brushed a few strands of hair back off Sirius’ face. “Did I think it was a stupid idea to start with? Yes. But I never said no. I never did anything I didn’t want to do, and I never felt like I couldn’t say no.”
“Are you sure?”
Remus nodded, “Positive. I have been a very willing participant in this whole… shebang.”
“Good to know.”
“What were you doing? Just now?” Remus tilted his head slightly as Sirius’ cheeks grew pinker.
“I cleared out the other bedside table in my room.” He said quietly. “I thought, maybe—”
He was cut off by Remus kissing him. As his hands moved from Remus’ hair to his arms, to his lower back, Sirius felt the last of his doubts falling away. As he sucked on Remus’ lower lip, eliciting a throaty noise that he needed to hear more of, he fought the urge to laugh. Remus must have felt it because he pulled away slightly.
“What?” He asked, “Why are you… smiling?”
“I love you.” Sirius said, kissing the tip of his nose. “I. Love. You.” He punctuated each word with a kiss to Remus’ forehead, cheek and finally his lips. “Moons, I love you. I’m all in.”
“Yeah?” Remus took a step back and studied his face. “What changed?”
“Your mum.” He rolled his eyes, “She knew we were faking, she knew that if we’d started dating you’d have told her.”
“Nothing gets past her, huh.”
“I told her pretty much everything, well, not everything, but the gist.” Sirius drew his thumb in between Remus’ eyebrows to smooth them out. “Hey, it’s fine. She pointed out that a twenty-year friendship and, you know, being in love with each other, is a pretty strong foundation for a relationship.” He added quickly. “If that’s what you want.”
“For real?” Remus’ eyes were glossy as Sirius nodded, “Of course, that’s what I want. I didn’t know if you—”
“I do. I want to turn this room into a library-slash-studio, or my room, I’m not fussy. I want to take you out on dates, and hold your hand without worrying that it might be the last time.” Remus’ face softened, “I want you, I want us.”
“For someone who couldn’t string a sentence about his feelings together yesterday—”
“Oh, shut up, Remus. Let a man have a moment.” He laughed as Remus pulled him close and kissed his forehead. “Well, ok then. So, what now?”
“I suppose we… go on a date?” He smiled shyly. “I don’t know why I’m nervous about that.”
“Right? I’m glad it’s not just me.” Sirius reached out and joined their hands. “Where do you want to go?”
“With you, Pads? Anywhere.”
🌙✨🌙✨🌙
Remus
When are you free to get murdered?
Dorcas
Tell me it didn’t help.
Tell me you didn’t wake up in his bed this morning.
Or yours. I don’t know what you freaky two-bed people do.
Remus
Did a student really write the one about the fake dating?
Dorcas
HAHAHAHAHAHA
No, that was Marly’s best effort.
I told her not to quit her day job.
Remus
Ffs.
As he was reading it, I was like… this is too on the nose.
Both of you are the worst.
Dorcas
Again, tell me it didn’t help.
You’re welcome, Lupin.