Categorically Not A Couple
Remus and Sirius were categorically not a couple. They had made that very clear to Remus’ ex-boyfriend, James, and Lily, and Pete, and The Weasleys, and Remus’ mum, and The Potters, and Marlene and Dorcas, and the very sweet old lady outside Tesco who had told them that it was beautiful to see two young men so in love. She was the one who had taken it the hardest, honestly. They were just best friends. That was all, and that was fine.
Lily had tried to pry from Remus whether he had feelings for Sirius for years at this point. His response to her hadn’t changed (‘Of course not, give me some credit.’) but he’d only be lying to himself if he didn’t acknowledge that there was at least a tiny flicker of something there, and there probably always had been. Not that he’d ever act on it and risk losing his favourite person and fracturing their friendship group forever. James had tried exactly once to bring up the possibility of him liking Sirius and learned his lesson swiftly when Remus blocked him on everything for ten days.
At 31, Remus had been in several long-term relationships but had been single since a week before his birthday that year, after a calamitous break-up with Benjy-Fucking-Fenwick. He knew that James and Lily meant well but there was no way in hell anything would ever happen with him and Sirius. He imagined they were also having these conversations with Sirius, but the two of them had never discussed it. James was getting less and less subtle when they met for video games and cocktails (an honoured Saturday evening tradition) and Lily just shrugged whenever Remus stared daggers at her.
But they most definitely were not a couple. Never had been a couple. Never would be a couple.
“What are you drinking tonight, Moons?” Sirius threw his arm around Remus’ waist and rested his head on his shoulder. “I can’t decide between some cider or risking James’ cocktail-making skills.”
Remus hummed in thought as he instinctively wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “He said he was aiming for ‘Sex on the Beach’ and ‘Woo Woo’s. So if you’re feeling fruity I—”
“I’m always feeling fruity, Moons,” Sirius smirked up at him as Remus threw his head back and laughed. “You’re right, it’s cocktails and games, not cider and games.”
“But what about fruity cider?” Remus chuckled. “Is that not a cocktail?”
“Shut up.” He said, “Stop making things more difficult than they need to be.”
“But that’s where I excel. You know me.”
“Unfortunately.” He huffed, “So, vodka and juice?”
“And Grenadine if they have some.”
“That sweet tooth of yours is going to fuck you up one day.” Sirius suddenly turned to face Remus and spoke quietly. “Don’t look now, but Ben is over there.”
Remus, to his credit, didn’t look but sighed. “Let’s grab what we need and go.”
“Or…” Sirius had a look on his face that Remus didn’t like at all.
“Or?”
“Or we let him know how much better you are without him.”
“I’m not— How? I’m not exactly thriving.” He narrowed his eyes at Sirius, who was beaming at him in a very disconcerting way.
“Well, I heard that you’re enjoying your new job, you’re very close to finishing your book and that you have a hot new boyfriend.”
Remus snorted, “Yeah, sure. I also won the lottery and I’m flying home in my private jet.”
“Remus, the things that man-child did to you made me so fucking angry. I’m still angry! Furious!” He looked up at Remus, his tone sharper, “Just tell him we’re dating, he’ll be jealous, trust me. You know he never trusted me around you. Not like I’ve known you since you were a tiny eleven-year-old or anything.”
“You were a tinier eleven-year-old, and that just feels like opening an unnecessary can of worms, Pads.” Remus chewed on his bottom lip. “He probably wouldn’t care anyway.”
“Oh, he will.” Sirius extricated himself from Remus’ arm. “Trust me?”
“Of course I do.” Remus smiled softly at him.
“Hold my hand.”
“I don’t want to hold your hand.” Remus stared at him, blankly.
“Just suck it up and hold my hand. You have to.” Sirius grabbed his hand, roughly interlacing their fingers. “It’s not like we’ve never held hands before.”
“I hate you so much.”
“That’s fine, hate me all you want, just hold my fucking hand.” Sirius said through a very toothy smile as he saw Benjy spot them.
“Well hello, strangers!” Remus stiffened slightly as he turned to face his ex-boyfriend.
“Ben.” Remus nodded.
“How are you? It’s been so long!” Benjy asked, then looked down and clocked their hands. “Wait, are you…”
“Oh, yeah!” Sirius grinned. “Have been for a while.”
“Oh,” Benjy tried to fake a smile but he wasn’t particularly convincing. “I’m so happy for you both.”
“Thank you,” Remus said quietly before shooting an affectionate glance down at Sirius. “We’re very happy.”
“Honestly, you breaking up with Re was probably the best thing that ever happened, for both of us.” Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand. “So, thank you.”
Benjy looked flustered now, this was clearly not how he had envisioned this conversation going. "We’re having a get-together for Gilderoy’s 40th next Friday, all the old gang will be there. It would be lovely if the two of you would come. Invite James and Lily if you want. Pete too!”
Remus’ mind was imploding, but luckily Sirius had remained cool. “We’d love to! It’ll be good to see everyone again.” He smiled at Benjy, “Thanks so much for the invite.”
“Right, yes, of course.” Benjy looked down the aisle, “I better go grab this vodka or Gil will think I got lost.” He paused, “It was good seeing you, Remus. I’m glad you’re happy.”
“Thanks,” Remus said softly. “I am.”
Benjy nodded before heading back up the aisle towards the fancy vodka. Remus turned to his friend who was holding in laughter.
“‘Thanks, I am.’? Fucking brutal!” Sirius whispered.
“My brain just rainbow wheel of death-ed.” He said, wide-eyed. “I had no idea what I was meant to say to him!” He paused before poking Sirius in the chest with his free hand, “But I probably wouldn’t have accepted the fucking party invite, Sirius!”
“We can always cancel. We never get invited to parties anymore, I figured we could go and drink their fancy alcohol and rub in their faces how happy we are.”
“So we keep this up until next week?” Remus sounded incredulous. “You think this is a good idea?”
Sirius shrugged, “Could be fun.”
“Let’s just get what we came for.” Remus sighed and squeezed Sirius’ hand, but he didn’t let go.
“You know, I never really noticed it before, but if you squint, Ben kind of looks like me.” Sirius barked out a laugh.
“Firstly, shut the fuck up, he does not. Secondly, he wishes.” Remus smiled at him, and Sirius suddenly felt like maybe this wasn’t the amazing idea he thought it was. “But just so you know, I intend on being as confusing and annoying as possible the whole time. You brought this on yourself. The full Remus Lupin boyfriend experience.”
🌙✨🌙✨🌙
“You did what?” Lily gawped at the two of them, entwined on the sofa, as they always were at this time on a Saturday after several cocktails. “Are you ok with this, Re?”
Remus did his best to shrug, “Maybe a party could be fun. Gilderoy will have some ridiculous alcohol behind the bar.” His brain was screaming at him that this was a bad idea, but the thought of people thinking he was dating Sirius, even just for one evening, was appealing to him. He knew it was selfish, but it wasn’t like he’d suggested it, was it?
“Plus we get to rub how happy we are in all those posh wankers’ faces.”
“Sirius, you’re a posh wanker,” Sirius snorted, “And you’re aware that you’re not actually a happy couple, right?”
“I am aware of that, yes.” Sirius snuggled even closer to Remus. “But they don’t have to know that, do they?”
“And you think the two of you can pass as a couple for a whole night?” Said Lily, to which James gestured at their friends on the sofa. “Ok, point taken. But people are going to ask you all those stupid questions.”
“How long have you been together? Is it serious?” James stopped to throw a glare in Sirius’ direction before he could make a joke. “Do I hear wedding bells? When are you moving in together?”
“We already live together,” Remus said. “I’ve lived with this prick for twenty years pretty much.”
“Oh, yeah.” James frowned. “I guess that makes it more believable. Though why anyone who has lived with Sirius would want to date him is beyond me.”
“They’re not actually dating, babe.” Lily reminded him.
“He’s just getting into his role as supportive bestie.” Sirius shrugged. “So we need to get our story straight.”
“Ugh, no thanks. Nothing straight about this story.” Remus laughed as Sirius swatted at his shoulder. “Ok, so how long have we been together, smartarse?”
“Well, you guys broke up in March.” He paused, “So we got together after Mary’s Eurovision party in May. No, during Mary’s Eurovision party.” He said lasciviously.
“Is it serious?” Lily asked.
“Oh, I’d say it’s very serious.” Remus deadpanned as Sirius squirmed between his thighs. “Comfy there, sweetheart?”
Sirius settled and grinned up at him, “Yes, thank you, darling.”
Remus choked on his saliva and stared at Lily. “This is going to convince no one.”
“I’m pretty convinced.” James chuckled awkwardly.
“You thought I was going to marry McKinnon like two years ago, Potter.” Sirius shot back.
“You were close!”
“We’re both gay.”
“Yeah, well.”
“The pair of you are hopeless.” Lily smiled at Remus, who nodded.
“Wait, which pair? I hope you mean those two idiots.” He said, narrowing his eyes at her. She held her hands up and shrugged.
“If the shoe fits, bitch.”
“Excuse me, nobody talks to my Moony like that. Apologise please.” Sirius lifted his head off Remus’ chest, pointing a demanding finger at Lily.
“Yeah, ok, it’s pretty convincing,” Lily muttered to James.
Remus was conscious that other than the strange-feeling pet names, nothing had really changed. They weren’t doing or saying anything that they wouldn’t ordinarily. On the one hand, it meant that nobody would suspect they were faking at this fucking awful party, but on the other hand… Had they always acted like a couple? Had Benjy been right not to trust him and Sirius? Was Sirius aware that they acted like a couple?
“You ok, Moons?” Sirius said softly.
Remus snapped back to reality, not realising he’d zoned out. He nodded, “Mmhmm, you?”
“Yeah, it’s not too weird? We don’t have to go. Just thought it might be fun to show that prick up, y’know. But if you don’t want to, it’s fine.”
Remus thought for a moment, of all the parties Ben had wanted to leave early because Sirius was there. Of all the snide comments about how close they were. Of all the times he’d made Remus explain messages that Sirius had sent him because ‘You must know how it looks!’. “No, let’s go to the party. Let’s live our best fakey boyfriend life.”
“Fakey?” Sirius tilted his head.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of Office Ladies at work, leave me alone.” Remus smiled down at his friend.
James and Lily watched this from the opposite sofa. They were used to their friends dancing around each other, but this was new. James leaned over and whispered into his fiancée’s ear. “Friends don’t look at each other like that, right?”
She shook her head, “Nope. They don’t. How long before they figure it out, you reckon?”
“At this rate, could still be fucking years.” James rolled his eyes affectionately. “I think they actually might do it this time though. Eventually.”